Chapter 1: Prologue
The Alphas are the more aggressive ones out of everyone. They are the larger and stronger ones, the dominate ones in bed. They are the males or females pumped full of testosterone. There is also they separation of Dominate Alphas and Recessive Alphas. Dominate Alphas are more affected by scents and are usually taller, more masculine, and attractive. They are more dominate and aggressive/protective and don't handle stressful situations very well.
Betas are almost like recessive Alphas. They can still breed with other Betas, and can still breed with Omegas depending on their gene. With a female and male Beta, they can reproduce that way. Sometimes even a female Alpha and a female Beta would be able to reproduce. There are still the Dominate and Recessive types.
Omegas are the softer and more gentle of these roles. They are the nurturing parents who raise their children and they are the only ones in here who can get pregnant besides Beta females. The female Omegas use their systems as normal, getting pregnant that way and then nurturing the child like they should. But for the males, it is very different. All Omegas go through heats, depending on their genes it can be worse than others. During this time, they are most fertile. But the pre-heat is what the males have to go through. Since they only have one hole, their rectum, that is also doubling as protection for the female parts. During pre-heat, the parts start to grow after they empty their rectum completely. The reason they do it is so nothing gets stuck in the uterus. But Omegas are the smaller ones with less muscle and smaller penises if they are male. Recessive omegas have a much harder time during their cycles. Recessive Omegas were built exactly to attract alphas and sometimes betas. Their chromosomes of cute and sexy matching up very nicely. They usually have lithe and hourglass body figures with curves in all the right places. They had softer features and skin enough to attract alphas. Recessive Omegas are more rare than Dominate Omegas, especially males. Their heat scent is much, much stronger, the scent usually very desirable. These Omegas are more prone to rape. These Omegas have to carry around syringes for their heat since pills hardly ever work. Shouyou Hinata was a victim of multiple rape incidences. His mother putting him in self-defense classes and getting him back into volleyball to prevent her son from spiraling (which he still did). Hinata lost all trust in people and shielded himself with thick walls and barriers. Joining a new volleyball team built with mostly alphas, he's never felt more terrified. From being ridiculed to lusted after, being an Omega of an Alpha team had its pros and cons. After everything he's been through, he'd never believe one of them would break a wall.
Chapter 2: I
Hinata meets the team but they get off on the wrong foot. Hinata and Kageyama practice hitting to each other.
It's that day of drowning, here again, the cold wash only I can feel. I don't want to get up. I don't want to move at all. And in that moment it takes all the strength I have to make a good choice, to reach for an oxygen tank and take a breath - that's my good mood music playlist. It gives me the thoughts I need, that I am someone worthy of love and joy. The first tracks aren't easy. They show the tears in my soul, but without that how would the soul stay alive? So I let them call to me and bring the salty rivers. This is how I stay alive. This is how the universe reaches me and tells me good things are coming.
We only ever see blue while the sun shines; so while it's there, the blue, take heart, for in these moments you are far closer to being healed than those who take comfort in the coldness of a void. I stood on the brink of something I couldn't describe. The weight of everything seemed to press down on my shoulders and I struggled to take even a single step forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, I kept moving. But every step cost me. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it seemed to only grow in strength and I began to wonder if things could ever get better.
But I never said a word. Sometimes I wonder if that smile- the horribly fake smile- is ever seen through. If someone ever notices that sad, broken look in my eyes that I see in the mirror. If they see beauty where I see porcelain, fake, plastic. And then I laugh, a bitter, sarcastic laugh, at myself. Nobody cares. No one notices. They never seem to, do they?
I've fought for years. I just march on.
These thoughts swirled inside my mind until I reached the gym. Standing from the outside. What’s to become of me once I join. I didn’t want to, but my mom still somehow forced me into this sport to get me out there. She knows all of my motivation has been swept from underneath my feet. The days are going by too fast.
Sliding the door open I was met with a dominate gaze, all too familiar. A gaze of a boy my age with deep ocean eyes. Hurricanes and storms deep inside his evening skies.
His eyes were fire in water, if you can imagine such a thing. They were passion in ice. His eyes were the ocean, so full of life yet so uncertain. The deep midnight waters’ hue carried his emotional currents, and before I could breathe I was drowning.
I said nothing. What was there to say? Memories upon memories stacked as the Alphas presence brought back those scars. Scars that bruised my brain and scarred my heart. Before I could even value the word trust, it left me as if it was never there. I was too young. Too young. Until his deep, dominating voice brought me back to life — drowning me, suffocating me in a new fashion.
His eyes only slightly raising as pink settled only so strongly on his cheekbones.
“What are you doing here?” As if almost a growl, he spoke. Footsteps nearing, my eyelids rested against my vision. “The same as you.” I responded, the memories of our last encounter flooding back.
“You? But you’re an-“
“Omega.” I finished for him as my eyebrows scrunched together with irritation. “A Recessive Omega, even.” I almost sneered in annoyance as a knowing smirk curved across my cheeks. “Go ahead. Say it. I’m short, un-muscular, submissive.”
“I never said that!” He shouted, immediately getting defensive, proving my point further. Realizing his mistake, my smirk grew into a grin. “But you were thinking it.”
“But don’t mind me. How dare I assume your thoughts about me? The world doesn’t revolve around me so I should just submit like a good little Omega and quit while I’m at it. They won’t accept me for my rank and stature, so what’s the point?” I snarled in a fury aflame.
“Then why are you even here?” He snarled back, not liking my retort. “You’re asking me that like I want to be here.” His eyes narrowed, glancing away the pink dust settled on his cheeks softened. Closing his eyes, his eyebrows scrunched together in annoyance.
“I met you last year, didn’t I? What’s you’re name.” I let out a huff of seriously? “Hinata.” I responded coolly. “You?” I asked, pretending to not know his name. He shot me a glare before lifting his chin to cast a downwards glare that I met with my own.
“Kageyama.” The silent tension creeped its way into the room before I broke it with a big, innocent, closed-eye smile. “Ahh...” “I see!” The taller boy’s expression changed, the pink returning back to his cheeks.
“Kageyama! I remember you.” “We went up against your team last year, right? You were really good y’know?” I faked my smiles and faked my attitude. The silence was getting to me, anyway.
I stepped forward to the flushing Alpha. “I’m glad we’re on the same team now. So I guess we should at least try to get along, eh?” I joked with a raised eyebrow and a mischievous grin. “So excuse my hostility. I’ll try my hardest to be respectful.”
I stuck my hand out to the dumbfounded boy. “I’m Hinata, Hinata Shoyo.” I smiled a shiny smile. The boys lips were agape in a small ‘o’, letting out a surprised and short noise. He took my hand and softly shook it. “Eh... Kageyama Tobio.” I smiled and giggled before returning my hand to my side.
I let out an awkward chuckle, scratching the back of my neck. “I really am so much smaller than you. But I can jump! I’ve improved over the past year so don’t look down on me!... mentally speaking.” I pouted as I stared through long and dark eyelashes and at the stiff teen who met my gaze.
I let my pout replace itself with another innocent smile. “Can I ask you a question, Kageyama-kun?” I asked through a curious glint. “Eh? S-sure.” Weirdo.
“You were extremely talented last year...” I cocked my head as his cheeks flushed, obviously flattered, he darted his eyes in another direction. “But shouldn’t you be with another team with stronger players? Why didn’t you go there?” I asked out of curiosity. His cheeks lost color as he returned my gaze once more.
He darted his eyes away as his nose scrunched in annoyance. “They... reflected me.” He admitted through a growl. “Eh? Even if you’re the King of the Court? Surely you’d-“
“Don’t...” his expression turned dark, his glare unfazed. “Call me that!” He boomed with a snarl. I stood dumbfounded and blinked at him only fazed with more curiosity.
“Oh! My bad.” I awkwardly laughed. “Sorry if I was being nosy. It’s a habit.” I muttered, dropping my hand back to my side.
Voices from outside soon entered my hearing. “Hello.” Kageyama greeted, reminding me to put in my happy face. “Eh?... Who said you guys could...” the Alpha with ruffled hair snatched the guy by his jacket.
“You’re Kageyama.” Kageyama nodded as I stood behind him, waiting patiently for the introduction. “Glad you came.” “You’re quite tall.” A silver-haired beta commented.
“He needs initiation, Suga-san!” The Recessive Alpha demanded. The third-year had said something else as I examined the older high schoolers. They seemed decent enough. The only problem was the dominate phenomenons I was receiving.
Memories reentered as my body quickly got into a defensive mode.
My face pushed to the ground, he whispered disgusting words into my ear. I always forgot the faces of those men and their words. It was only their actions. Screams, thrashing, blood, tears, sweat. I tried to forget it all but it only stayed ebbed in my mind I couldn’t shake. Pain. He forced upon me. All of them. Blood, cum, spit. I couldn’t erase.
“And who are you?” The shaved teen asked me through wide eyes and a flushing face. Completely lost in my trance I soon realized I was giving off frightened pheromones. “Huh?” I looked up, completely caught off guard. Everyone turned my way. Each of their gazes were different.
Surprised, curious, sympathetic, and confused. “Hinata.” I responded, my mind continuing to flash back as I tried turning them off. My therapist had helped me practice but at times like these it was a little difficult.
“Eh? An Omega?” I almost growled. Anger and fear flaring in my belly.
“Well what else would I be doing here than play? Sit and watch?” I placed my hands on my hips and pouted.
“I may not be tall or intimidating, but I can still play.” I narrowed my eyes before continuing. “So mind your own business. I can take care of myself.”
“Well were very glad to hear than, Hinata-san!” Suga interrupted the awkward tension with his own uncomfortable smile. “I’m sure you’ll make a great addition to our team. Still in defense mode I only scowled at the friendly man. “I didn’t need your input or your pity. Let’s just get on with it.” I spat, my passive aggression quickly disappearing.
The group seemed stunned by my hostility. “I can sense your enthusiasm on team spirit.” The recessive muttered with dusted cheeks. “Did you expect me to be nice?” I growled lowly. “Hey! Why don’t we begin practice, eh?” The man’s warm hazel eyes met mine before I stared back, the anger dying down. “Fine.”
Kageyama started with a jump serve. As the ball came barreling towards me, I responded by fully extending my arms and cuffing my fist together. Curving my wrists upwards, I tossed the ball back to him.
I shot him a surprised and impressed smile once he hit the ball back towards me in which I served back. “That was amazing Kageyama-san!” The King’s eyebrows raises as he caught the ball in his hands.
I just realized the shift in my mood quickly changed and had probably caught some attention since I had only greeted everyone with aggression. But it’s not like I had no right to be. I wasn’t just going to let the “better” ranks walk all over me and think they could just say anything they wanted. Maybe I was a little rude to Suga, I’ll admit.
Leaving the gymnasium I started home. The shadows were now twice as long as themselves, the air was damp and cool, the sun dipped lower in the sky until the trees that lines the lane stood as black statues silhouetted against the darkening sky, slowly their shadows melted away into the blackness of night. I sighed, I knew I had gotten off on the wrong foot with my team today. I wondered if I left a bad impression.
“Kageyama-san!” I called after the perplexed boy. His cheeks coloring as I rushed towards him. “Let’s practice tomorrow, ‘kay?” “H-hai!”
Hey-o! This was a quick update because I didn’t expect so many hits in just a few hours, so thank you everyone who viewed my story! (*^▽^*)
Chapter 3: SS
Haha! I know I use Roman numerals for my chapters. This is kind of like a one-in-a-half. This is how Kageyama sees Hinata. I may or may not have just written this to describe what Hinata looks like in this AU. But I still wanted Kageyama’s perspective on him. Or every Alpha’s view on him.
He's not usually the kind of guy I fantasise about. For starters, I was always interested in tall and sexy Alpha females. But by nature, I caught myself lusting after the cute and still sexy Omega. His eyes were big and round. They weren’t crystal blue or leafy-green yet amber with a golden hue.
His amber eyes shone brightly, reflecting the warmth of the sun. They were such a unique colour, a mix of light and dark. They were big and beautiful, so much emotion held inside. They smiled constantly, those sunny eyes. Long and dark eyelashes only making them stand out more.
I could tell that he could never understand the beauty he is made of, because he obviously doesn't see himself as I do, as anyone does. But in my opinion, it’s what made him more beautiful.
His chromosomes of sexy and cute matched up very nicely. Because of his recessive omega genes, he was built to be extremely attractive. He had very soft facial features that ranged from soft and rounded-and-pink cheeks to plump and defined, soft lips. He smelled so sweetly of fall rain yet sweet and warm. Or rather, the ozone in the air before a thunderstorm. It's an electric, exciting smell, and I've been known to just stand outside smelling the air, even with tornado watches in effect, just to catch that wonderful clean moist smell. The smell that comes up with the first rain of the season. After the harsh summers, when the sky gets all cloudy, light cold breeze starts, birds flutter hither and thither. Entire nature just anticipates those first droplets of water after the dry spell. And then that magical smell seeps from deep inside the earth. Like pine trees in the winter. There's something about that astringent green smell in cold air that's just amazing. His smell was unique, sweet, warm, and inviting. The smell that makes me go weak in the knees. His scent was laced with coffee. Can’t explain how wonderful the aroma coffee brewing is to me. With a hint of honeysuckle. Faint sweet honey scent, to me the smell of honeysuckle is the very heart and soul of summer.
His nose was small and narrow, light freckles scattered across the bridge of his nose to his cheeks. His hair was loose and ruffled against his head. Peeking through thick hair were eyes almost the same shade of his deep saffron curls, and all the while the smallest of smiles played on his dusky lips.
His neck was skinny just like his shoulders. And I could tell from just how loose the jacket seemed, he was a lithe build. His pants weren’t tight but even without I could see how when he walked, his thighs touched together and his rear would bounce. It got me excited and I didn’t like it. The way he swayed his hips when he walked and the sound of his voice sent waves of indescribable emotions up my spine.
His voice was soft even when he was angry. Soft and higher pitched but low and suggestive when upset. It made butterflies in my stomach and I could tell just by the other third year that he was probably experiencing the same feelings. The thought made me feel jealous.
He was cute and giggly but if words or actions offended him the wrong way, he would let you know. He wasn’t a doormat and he made sure you were aware. It saddened me knowing that before he was high-spirited and always sweet. I could tell that something had happened to make him that way. The way he scowled and spat when he didn’t like your choice of words.
In his eyes swam great emotion. He blinked and the beauty was momentarily covered by the shield of his eyelashes; naturally long and soft looking. By the time the boy's eyes opened again, I had still not recovered from his intense stare. It was a stare that communicated the boy's former pain, and his wish for me to let go and to move on. But I could not move on, just as I could not forget those glaring eyes whose light never faded even in death.
I knew he was a sweet angel. But I also knew that I should try to stay on his good side. And that was what scared me. I knew that from the time he snarled at me and shot icy daggers at Suga and Tanaka that I was going to have a hard time getting him to like me. Even though he seemed inviting afterwards, he was a gamble. He had walls that I wanted to break. And I knew that if I put to much force in breaking them that it would be his heart on the line. I had to be careful. And I wasn’t.
Hehe. I know this is the third post this week but a prologue isn’t technically a chapter per se. And this is a one in a half. Shut up! I can do what I want! Lol. Anyway, thanks for reading and I’ll probably most more this week.ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ
Chapter 4: III
Kageyama likes Hinata and dreams about him. Hinata engages in behaviors and memories come back.
WARNING: This chapter contains eating disorder/self harm/and mentions of sexual harassment.
“Ah! More Tobio-kun! Right there!” I shot up from my bed, the dream still fizzing in-and-out I’d my mind. The image of the Omega underneath me, our fingers intertwined. The image of his pink lips and small mouth wrapped around my length played over-and-over like a broken record on repeat. The way his nose nuzzled against my hairs, his big amber eyes glazed over, casing into mine. Tears running down his pink cheeks as he deep throated me.
My little problem has brought me back to reality. I suddenly realized my situation and how I needed to solve my problem. Standing up, I made my way to my bathroom. This wasn’t my first wet dream about Hinata, or my first in general. He was just so captivating and it drove me insane. The thought of him with some other Alpha made me want to hit something. I couldn’t imagine him with anyone else but me and me only.
The smiling and pouting boy’s face stayed glued to my mind everyday. It was exhausting but so pleasurable at the same time. Sometimes I wondered what made him so emotional. I’ve seen him cry on multiple occasions, quickly finding out how the name “crybaby” stuck to him. But his crying face was so attractive. His eyes would be slightly up turnt or casted down in he was angry. His cheeks and nose would get all pink and his shiny eyes would turn glossy. His crystal clear tears would stream down his face as his lips would pout and pucker. I loved it and hated it so much. I had the need to protect him and was shot with guilt if I was the one who gave him that expression.
Hinata was bubbling so bright with emotions. He would wave and shoot you with that soft smile and you could tell something was goin on. Though he never spilled, never caved. It made me wonder. Why was I so attracted to him? Was it his captivating scent? His face? Body? Or was it just him being an Omega? No matter how hard I tried, the Hinata in my dreams was always sexy. I couldn’t shake it. I wondered if I was the only one. I couldn’t be. I wondered if maybe he was dreaming about me too.
“Please! No more! It hurts! Hurts!” Facing myself in the mirror, I wish I didn’t. I hated my reflection as much as I hated those men. I felt dirty. I felt like a slut. Why couldn’t I shake these feelings? I hated the fact that one day I’d get older. What would become use of my body then? Who would want me: No one. Would my future mate leave me once I started growing gray hairs? I sprinkled water in my hair before pushing it down to tame it.
The way those Alphas stared at me, I couldn’t get rid of. There’s only one thing I’m use for. Pleasure is what brings desire. Who will desire me if I’m no longer pleasurable? Desirable? We only want what we can’t have. We want what others want because that’s our definition of beauty, of what’s desirable. Am I really attractive? Seems like it. But then why am I not attracted to myself? Nor am I attracted to the dominates. I should die young. Just so there isn’t a point in my life where I feel thrown away. Thrown away for someone even more desirable.
The pain brings back memories. Feels good though. I wiped off the vomit from my chin after I erased the calories and the weight. I need to stay wanted; lusted after. Desirable. The word is getting old. I can’t stand it anymore. This is my purpose. I need to feel full of an Alphas cum, their child. I’ll bare their mark, their scent, their lust. And when my children grow older, so will I. My Alpha’s scent will leave as their mark; our bond. They will leave me for someone younger and prettier. Can’t help but feel broken.
The world is corrupted, sick, evil. Yet I’m still the sick one. I’m so tired and so angry, but someone should be. I’m tired of punching in the wind and just letting it consume me. Why can’t I just let things go?
There are days the world comes to full colour from the night, from the greys under the moon to every colour of the rainbow and more. Today we have the fog, and so as it warms up the world will be born from this whiteness, as if it were art appearing on a three dimensional canvass. I step outside and make my way down the mountain and to the gymnasium. I wish I could stay in bed and forget it all. I push myself every day just so I don’t worry everyone else.
If I miss a day, come to school moody and quiet. Everyone will start to worry. I can’t burden anyone with my pheromones nor my problems. I must be happy. Happy.
The day was as normal as any other. On my way home from school I was catcalled. It made me feel happy and my ego was boosted. The shiver of pleasure up my spine. I was still desired. I was still wanted. I ignored those boys but I still felt happy. I am wanted. I came to the conclusion that I needed to find a mate soon. He will want me. He will protect me from those who still want me. I will make sure other omegas don’t want him. He will like me for the time being. He will mark me with his bite and his scent. We’ll be one for now.
Chapter 5: IV
Kageyama is struggling for confessions and Hinata is finding some sort of satisfaction with himself.
There is something in the way he laughs that reminds me of my better self. There is something pure in the way he struggles to do what is right, it's an honesty, right? He has that kind of creative brain that brings such magic and interest to life, one that enjoys the sparking of ideas. This lust he has stirred in my belly has turned into something far more worse. One that could last as such gentle admiration does.
I knew if I confessed of how I felt, I surely would be heartbroken. I have always taken my frustrations out on the poor boy. The one that means most to me as of now. Making him cry, yell, insult me. I’m aware of my... lack of empathy. He hates me and I know he does. There isn’t a day that goes by where we don’t get into stupid arguments that result in a hurting heart.
I like to think he’s hurt most because he likes me. That he takes my words to heart because he fears of my hate towards him. Although I could never hate him. I love him. I’m aware he has me wrapped around his little fingers. Because when I see rivals from another team flirt with him after every game, I seethe with rage. I can feel myself fuming as dark energy takes over. When I see them touch him or when he touches them. I can only stand so much of it.
I just want to claim him, mark him, scent him. Let everyone knows he’s mine and let them know he’s unavailable. But I knew if I confessed my feelings, he’d laugh at me. Why couldn’t I just tell him without telling him?
I felt like I had failed. I thought I could go through high school only focusing on volleyball without having this internal struggle of love. My performance has become week with distraction. Watching Hinata move and play, watching his smile and determined smirk. I couldn’t tell if my world was spinning to quickly or turning too slowly.
I know Omegas were uncommon in this world and finding one would be an Alpha’s greatest find. But I knew I would be a bad Alpha. I would break him if not already broken. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me but I could see him off better with another Alpha. Someone gentle and loving. He wouldn’t be happy with me and I pretended to be okay with it. I needed advice because I wasn’t sure how long I could last with these feelings inside me.
“Yachi San.” I called to the blonde beta , hands quivering ever-so-slightly. “Hey Kageyama Kun. What’s up?” Once I made my way towards her, I felt a drip of sweat on my forehead. “I need advice...” I started off. Avoiding her gaze. “Hinata advice?” She guessed with a tilted head and mischievous grin. I slowly nodded but refused my words clawing at my throat.
“Knew it.” She giggled, stepping closer as a blush took form across my entire body, setting me aflame. “Yeah Yeah. Shut up.” I growled, staring to the side. “You still haven’t told him how to felt?” She asked as we slumped on the stone wall. “You knew?” I could feel myself heating up even more at the thought. Just how many people knew?
She giggled and turned to me. “Well you know how popular he is. And besides, anyone would expect an Alpha to like an Omega. You’re also not that good at hiding it.” She rambled with amusement. “Lucky for you, he’s so dense he probably has no idea. Or maybe he does and-“
“And what?” “Never mind. The point is, is that your volleyball performance is lacking because of you’re feelings, right?” She smirked at my irritated growl. “You should probably let him know how you feel.” “Not saying he won’t reject you.” She shrugged nonchalantly. “But if you like him that much than it’d be best to claim him before some other Alpha swoops him up.”
“That’s the thing I’m worried about.” I grumbled through gritted teeth. “What if I’m a bad Alpha? Treat him badly.” I folded my arms in embarrassment. “Isn’t that for him to decide, though?” “What if he likes you back?” She pressed.
“As if!” He said a little to loudly. “I mean— we argue all the time and he’s always hurt because of me.”
“How do you know he doesn’t feel the way you do?” She smiled to me once I raised my head in thought. “You won’t know unless you shoot your shot.” There were so many what-ifs dancing in my brain that it was too hard to focus on one. “Well I gotta go Kageyama. Good luck.” She winked before walking off.
I spot Hinata walking to his house, chocolate popsicle sitting in his mouth. “Oi! Hinata!” I called as the cutie- I mean Omega turned his head in my direction, big eyes reflecting the golden sunset. I gulped, stepping back one as he stopped in his tracks.
He slipped the tip of the popsicle out from between his plump, cherry-pink lips. Glossy and shiny, his kissable lips. His lips parted, the popsicle popping off his a tiny pop, a string of saliva connecting them together before he ran his tongue against his lips.
“Kageyama Kun? Can I help you?” He asked, cocking his head to the side with a raised eyebrow. I didn’t realize that my hand was over my mouth as heat set my body on fire and my heart beating so hard against my chest. “I-I-I...” I mentally cursed myself for stuttering. But after that whole scene I couldn’t get my mind out of the gutter. A soft snicker came from the boy in front of me as his lips curved into a genuine smile.
“What? Cats got your tongue?” He blinked his long lashes as if inviting me to speak. “Kaaaaageeeeeyaaaama...?” He drew out my name and suddenly we were inches apart. His giant, reflecting eyes staring into mine as he blinked through dark lashes. I looked down and noticed he was one his tip-toes. “G-get away from me, b-baka!” I shouted as I shoved him away from me, causing him to fall straight on his ass.
“Shit! Hinata I didn’t mean to!” I scrambled down and forced his wrist in my hand to force him against my chest. I didn’t even realize he was struggling and squirming in my grasp, the popsicle forgotten onto the concrete. “Let me go!” I immediately let go of his wrist once I noticed tears streaming down his face.
The said boy held his wrist in his own hand, rubbing over it as he stared at the ground. I can’t do this. I thought to myself. “I’m sorry, Kageyama.” He sniffled, wiping his knuckles underneath his eyes. “I just get scared when people... Y’know.” I sighed, nodding slowly in understanding.
I knew Hinata didn’t like being touched, it was something that concerned our teammates and our captain. Like a slap on the back to even raising your arm a little to fast that caused a small wince from the boy. I should’ve known better than to go for a sudden grab.
“No... I should be apologizing... I just wanted to um... let you know about uh... something.” I tried focusing on my words but my mouth felt so dry. “I just... Y’know when I say things that I don’t mean and I can’t take them back... like when we argue and stuff...” I almost mumbled. “I don’t mean to make you upset... I guess...”
“You’re... apologizing?” Hinata asked with curiosity lacing in his voice. “You? Apologizing? So at least you’re a self-aware meanie.” He giggled sadly, obviously still shaken with previous events.
“Oi! I... whatever.” I grumbled. “Sooo... that’s it?” The ginger asked with a tilted gaze. He seemed almost disappointed and confused. “I’m trying my hardest to be sincere and this is what I get?” I growled half-jokingly. He merely shrugged in response, making my eye twitch.
“You seem like you’re leading up to something.” He shrugged again. I felt irritation flare within myself. “Oh yeah... I was um.” Another giggle came from the shaking boy still rubbing his wrist. “I should... go.” Hinata started. “And you owe me a popsicle.”
“Wait! Hinata... um...” I looked up into his eyes that stared back at me. “Well hurry it up, I have to get home.” He placed his hands in his hips. “I... I know I’m not the nicest person but...” just ask him on a date. “Would you maybe wanna hang out sometime?” The other boy blinked in confusion. “We hang out everyday?”
“Dumbass! I mean like... movies or something...” I muttered. “You wanna go to the movies?” “I mean sure I guess...” he scratched his neck. “I don’t understand why you couldn’t just text me.” He admitted. “I-I... I like you dumbass!” He shouted at the taken aback ginger.
He started bursting out in laughter. I knew it. “H-hey! I’m trying to be!-“ “I’m sorry! I know! I know!” He gasped out between horribly stifled giggles. “I’m sorry!” He laughed out as tears streamed down his face with hands on his knees. “Quit laughing!” He commanded which only caused more laughs to emit from the boy.
“It’s not a joke, Dumbass! I’m being serious!” I tried challenging the roaring of laughter only to feel my skin crawl like sparks ablaze. “I know! I’m sorry!” He wheezed. “I just never took you for the romantic type.” He snickered. “R-romantic?” To be honest, this was anything but romantic. More award than anything.
“Don’t worry about it, genius.” He stuck his tongue out. “I’ll go out with you, sure. But I’m not paying.” Thats when my heart skipped a beat. He said yes! “Anyway, I need to be heading home. I’ll text you when I get there.” He smiled a soft smile that almost looked sympathetic when his eyebrows upturned. “O-okay.” I tried buying back an awkward grin but it slipped past my efforts anyway.
Hinata snorted, “cya weirdo.” before heading off in the direction of his house. I heaved a heavy sigh and watched him walk away, my face and heart melting in a dopey-love stricken smile.
Watching him walk away could’ve been the best sight. His hips swaying as he ruffled his unruly adorable bangs back against his head. I remember the feeling of how soft his hair is. It made me wonder what kinds of products he uses. How can someone’s face and hair me that silky soft? It made me wonder how soft his body was.
As an omega he naturally had little hair but when he changed you could tell he shaved pretty frequently. Maybe waxed. I couldn’t find a strand under his arms any of his limbs. Not that I was looking (obviously not).
He asked me out! I couldn’t believe it. As much as I hated the Alpha’s guts. As much as I couldn’t stand him, it made me unbelievably happy to know he’s attracted to me. As much as I know he doesn’t like me as a person, he still watches me when I change and when I walk. I know he does and Yachi reminds me of it.
I remember during lunch when she came up to me grinning all mischievous and complaining how I get all the Alphas. Kageyama must’ve talked to her. Does he want to sleep with me? I was imagining more of a confession. But this was good too. Ever since Volleyball has been defining my shape, I never had to concern as much about dieting.
My pudgy stomach flattened with muscle and defined my thighs. I was worried about becoming too masculine but it worked in my favor. Getting rid of the extra fat on my arms and slimming my shoulders. It brought out the curves in my hips and I’ve never been more excited. I found myself exercising and practicing from dawn till dusk. But making sure not to over due it so I could keep my slim physique.
But this was so much better than throwing up! Of coarse I still did when I binged a little too much but exercise was so much better. I found myself latching onto this for a source of happiness. I even created my own routines and stacking beauty products in my bathroom. I waxed and moisturized my skin when I could, even down there too. Now that I have a boyfriend, there was more reasons to be perfect.
I splashed to makeup from around my eyes that revealed my lack of sleep. And taking makeup remover for my blush and concealer. Concealer would work with hickeys too. It’d me no time until Kageyama and I got into bed. And then it struck me. The cuts from the area around my groin, the only layer of clothing no one could see under. My self-inflicted cuts. What would I tell him?
That I was shaving? Maybe? But why just the layer no one except him would see? My therapist new about the cutting and tried getting me into drawing or coloring as a new way to cope. You could still see the old white scars on my thighs and along my arms from my previous self-harm. What was I gonna do? I could blame it on my cat. He wouldn’t believe me though.
Right! I have to text him!
Hey Kageyama! (^-^*)/
Where do you wanna go for the date?? (*´꒳`*)
Wherever you want
We could go to the movies and get something to eat afterwards!
I can pay for the popcorn and soda
Anything in particular
you wanna see?
When are you free?
You wanna go then?
Sure!( T_T)＼(^-^ )
Afterwards, we texted all night. I found myself springing up from a text and enthusiastically typing back. My stomach would flutter and I had to keep reminding myself to shower before sleep so I didn’t forget. I felt excited at the fact that if we fell in love he’d protect me forever and he’d want to have more sex with me. I couldn’t believe it. I had finally found an Alpha. Maybe he’d stay with me for longer than I predicted. Maybe I could grow up still looking good. The longer I’d stay good looking, the longer he’d love me.
Okay, don’t get me wrong I know that Hinata is still struggling without realizing it and I know this doesn’t mean he’s getting better (worse in my opinion).
Chapter 6: IIV
Hinata has a panic attack
WARNING: This chapter has triggering messages.
The panic starts out as thin cellophane, something my fingers can pierce breathing holes in. In another minute the panic is a deluge of ice water surrounding every limb, creeping higher until it passes my mouth and nose. That's when the attack becomes absolute, shutting my body down as fast as punching a biochemical reset button.
The thoughts are accelerating inside my head. I want them to slow so I can breathe but they won't. My breaths come in gasps and I feel like I will black out. My heart is hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spins and I squat on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. I feel so sick. I want to call an ambulance but the phone is too far away, it's too far away, it's too far away. I don't know who to call, what's their number, who too call, too far away, he's gone, he went, breathe, gone, what number, too far away... blackness... creeping blackness... I'm on the floor in a ball- the foetal position. Where is he, what's my name, who to call, what's the number, the stairs are too steep, the room is spinning...blackness...he's gone...
I felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in my abdomen. Tension grew in in my face and limbs, my mind replaying the last attack. My breathing became more rapid, more shallow. In these moments before my personal hurricane, I understood the drug addict, the alcoholic... anything to stop the primal surge to flee. I hit speed-dial for Kageyama, no answer. I called again, my heart racing faster - no answer. Again - no answer. Again -no answer. No Kageyama.
I scanned my other contacts and the panic grew. In seconds I was curled tight in my bed, the only movements are the trembling of my limbs and salty tears darkening my sleeves. There I stayed, unaware of the passing afternoon until I found the feelings had passed.
Opening my eyes to the softening sun I gazed at the clouds, brilliant white against the blue. Though I could still hear each of my breaths, rasping just the same as when I had the flu - I'd made it. No Tobio. No help. Just me. With the slightest of smiles and pink puffed eyes, I rose. Next time would be easier, and the time after and the time after, until it all went away.
Tobio was a horrible boyfriend. Never there for me when I need him most. When Alpha’s show interest in me, I stare at Kageyama with hopeful eyes, hoping he’d come to save me. He never does. He shares my glance with a glare and I know he’s mad at me. He yells at me, asking why I would flirt with another Alpha in front of him. My Alpha never protects me. I expected when I accepted his feelings that I would have someone who took care of me when I couldn’t. But it’s always my fault. My fault.
I can only protect myself. I’m only here for myself. When will he see the damage he’s done? You can’t break what’s already broken. And when I break I try to piece myself back together. Each time I break. I expected him to comfort me when the darkness comes. Encouraging me to pick up my shards with kisses, hugs, and sweet nothings. You’re never fully dressed without a smile. So I draw on my happy face.
I know I shouldn’t expect things from people unless you want a broken heart. Because I’ve known Kageyama. I laughed when he confessed because I already knew. Knew the feelings he always kept within. Knew his flaws and insecurities the littered his face. He was insecure. Insecure I’d find someone better. He thinks he doesn’t deserve me. He lashes out because he’s scared. He ignores my calls because he believes I’m calling to apologize. Beg him to love me.
I can’t tell if it’s because he doesn’t want to hear he messed up. Knowing he should be the one to apologize and hearing me say what he should say — he shuts down with shame. Or if he feels he’s too good to hear my sincere and genuine apology. He’s too full of himself. This is Kageyama’s world and we live in it. He found an Omega he loves. He sees my flaws as perfections, as much as he hates to admit it. He tells me I’m beautiful and pretty when other Alphas say I’m cute and have a nice face.
Kageyama sees the beauty past the surface. He knows when I don’t want to smile, he won’t tell me to. He makes me smile without lifting a finger. He turns my life upside down. Kageyama is the happiness I cling to. He is the pill I take to stay happy. He makes me happy. And when the time comes when he leaves me, I will erase myself and hopes he feels terrible.
But I don’t want to make assumptions. I don’t want to tell myself he will leave me and push him away. I don’t want to hate him for this fantasy my creature has created for me. My insecurities and emotions and traumas all form into my evil creature. It tells me he will leave me. He doesn’t think I also get jealous of the pretty pretty Betas he encounters. That flirt with him. But they know that they’ll never compare to an Alpha’s Omega. Or an Omega in general.
I will always be prettier and sexier than a Beta. I will always be more innocent and kinder than a Beta. I will always smell better than the perfume they scent themselves with. I will always be more. Because Recessive Omegas age slower. So I’ll still be pretty and sexy when they get older. I’ll be an evergreen tree that will someday wilt. But he’ll wilt with me. Because he loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He hates me.
He hates me.
He hates me.
He sees me nothing but a slut. Someone who feeds off of attention, needing people to tell me that they like my face. He yells at me because he doesn’t like me. He hates that I want him to stand up for me. No matter how hard I try, the people I cling to, that I love the most, end up hating me.
Why can’t we be immortal? Never aging. Our faces never flawed. But then who would we consider beautiful? We all want to be beautiful but only some get that chance. Those good genes. I believe I have good genes. I examine myself in the mirror and run my fingers over my important features.
Big eyes, long lashes, pink and round cheeks, plump, pink, and glossy lips. I have white teeth, a symmetrical face, nice jaw, a small-pink nose, straights brows, nice-fluffy hair, dotted and starry freckles twinkling across my face. With just some makeup I can be beautiful.
I stripped from my clothes and examined my body. I ran it across my neck that was nice an thin. Across my slim and freckles shoulders and down to my chest—my small cups and pink nipples. I traced my small waist that curved into larger hips. I squeezed the skin the protected my tummy. I traced the muscles that lined to my v-line. Was I too masculine? The thigh gap between my thighs seemed to wide.
My thighs were round and soft from the intense amount of waxing. I looked back up to my waxed face. So my hair that lined past my ears didn’t exist. So the hair between my brows and under my nose pretended it was never there. I traced my thin eyebrows that seemed somewhat over-plucked. I took some cream and rubbed it wear I could see red dots forming to ruin my face.
I’ll be beautiful for Kageyama. I had to buy more girly clothes, like a red plaid skirt or a nice blouse. Some lip gloss or maybe some knee highs. I’ll buy adult products like lube and condoms that I hope he already had. Which reminded me to try practicing a sucking. I had bananas and popsicles to help me get good so I wouldn’t disappoint when he asked me to service him. I had to be perfect. Like a porcelain doll or a cardboard cut out. I’ll let him use me. So he’ll be happy. I was always only used. This is my purpose. To satisfy the insecure until the feel whole. I’ll be the trash test dummy until he’s satisfied.
I was made for older men to look at me when I know they shouldn’t be looking. I’ll be the bottom and submissive boyfriend for him. I’ll be the Omega for Alpha’s to look at but never touch. The punching bag for a Tobio to let out the parts he hates about himself that I love so much. I’ll be his everything until I drive myself insane.