“You know, if Jerry asked me to marry him, I’d say yes.”
George choked on his tea and began coughing dramatically at the same time Elaine mumbled an “excuse me” through a mouthful of sandwich.
“We practically live together. We share groceries, George!”
“I think that’s called mooching,” said Elaine. “Kramer, I’ve never seen you commit to anything, much less a relationship. Especially one with...”
“A man,” George interjected.
“...Jerry,” finished Elaine.
“Hold the phone.” George grabbed Elaine’s sandwich as she raised it to her mouth. “You’re not at all concerned that Kramer just said he wants to marry a man? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
“He did kiss Jerry that one time. I thought it was kind of obvious.”
“You knew about that?” George stuttered, his voice squeaking up an octave.
“Jerry told me. Why do you care so much? It’s not like Kramer kissed YOU.” Elaine swiped at George, who cradled her sandwich like it was a physical manifestation of his fragile masculinity. A glob of mayonnaise leaked onto his shirt.
“It was a very uncomfortable moment to witness,” he mumbled. George set the now dilapidated sandwich down on Elaine’s plate.
“Hey now, I’m feeling a little insulted here. I like women. I like men. I like being around Jerry and ‘mooching’” - Kramer glared at Elaine - “off his stuff. It’s all very simple. And it’s not like you two haven’t thought about it,” he added, lowering his voice and wagging his finger.
“I did dream about kissing a woman on the subway once,” said Elaine.
Kramer did his full-body shiver thing followed by a ‘giggity’. “Me too Laney, me too,” he said. George considered asking if Kramer meant that he dreamt about kissing men on the subway, kissing women on the subway, or kissing Elaine on the subway, and immediately regretted formulating the question. “But I was talking about marrying Jerry. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about what your life would’ve been as Mrs. Elaine Seinfeld.”
“Okay. I haven’t thought about what my life would’ve been as...Mrs. Elaine Seinfeld. Ugh, even the name makes me cringe.”
“What about when Jerry asked you to marry him last week?” Kramer asked.
George buried his balding head in his hands as he recalled Jerry’s proposal to Elaine. At first, the “New Jerry”’s emotional vulnerability had been insufferable. But then George had done something he couldn’t remember doing in...well, ever. He had opened up. And now the New Jerry was reduced to a bit in his routines, and the Old George was left with the sobering fact that he was a pathetic, loveless little man.
“He wasn’t being serious! And I was having a really bad week! How do you know about that anyway? Never mind, I guess your dream husband told you.” Elaine stood up and rummaged through her purse. A tube of lipstick and a condom fell out, which she didn’t bother picking up. Kramer slipped them both into his pocket. “I just remembered, I gotta head to a meeting, in, uh. Well. I’ll see you guys later.” She yanked some bills out of her wallet and put them on the table.
After Elaine left, Kramer turned back to George. “So have you ever thought about marrying Jerry?”
“Oh for heaven’s sake Kramer! I am a heterosexual. And I am no longer interested in marriage.”
“Think about it, George. You never really connect with women, even your fiancée. You had a girlfriend that looked exactly like Jerry. You’re always at Jerry’s apartment. For most of your life he’s been the person you’re closest to. It reeks of unrequited love!”
George sat there for a beat. And then he sat there for another. And then he couldn’t take another moment of Kramer’s bizarrely all-knowing gaze, so he scrambled out of the coffee shop screaming, “Elaine! Wait for me!”
George came home to find Elaine and Kramer making out on his bed.
Before he could muster a “what the hell are you two doing?!”, Kramer removed his mouth from Elaine’s and waved at George. “Hey buddy, care to join us?”
“Susan’s here too,” added a chipper Elaine. “She has really nice tits.”
“Agreed,” said Kramer.
George screamed and ran into the kitchen to find Susan sitting on the dinner table in a plaid flannel and lingerie. “It’s okay, sweetie,” she said, stroking behind his ear. “I know you’re confused, but it’s okay to love both men and women. It’s what I did.”
“Really? But didn’t it make you feel...”
“It made me feel happy to be in whatever relationship I wanted at the time.” She gave him an earnest smile, and suddenly George regretted all the time he wasted not appreciating her.
“Sure. Right. I’m...bisexual, said George, trying the word out. “I’m a bisexual man!” he shouted. “A-ha! I’m bi! This is huge!” he said, pulling Susan into a long kiss.
Then Susan broke apart for air. “What’s the deal with heterosexuality anyway? It’s hard enough to find someone of the opposite sex, so why limit ourselves?” said Susan, except it wasn’t Susan. George’s eyes flew open, and Jerry’s face was millimeters from his own. He stumbled back, but Jerry caught him. He leaned down…
“Oh my GOD! FRANK!”
George awoke drenched in sweat. The guilt from the Susan dream crashed over him like a bucket of muck from the East River. Now he’d feel too guilty to even attempt to go back to sleep. And - oh God, he remembered the other part of his dream now. The tightness in his boxer briefs suddenly caught his attention. A cold shower was what he needed.
While he was in the shower, George thought. He thought long and hard. Then he jerked off, because dammit that thing was distracting, and thought some more.
He decided he was going to do it. We live in a society, but what had society ever done for him except screw him over? To hell with society!
George Costanza was coming out of the closet.
The door to Jerry’s apartment was open, as always. Elaine and Kramer were there, but that didn’t matter. He wanted them to know, but he didn’t want to go through the uncomfortable business of talking about his desires. He’d always had a bit of an exhibitionist streak anyway.
George marched right up to Kramer, grabbed him by the shoulders, and pressed their mouths together.
“It’s official. I’m bisexual. I’m out of the closet baby!” George exclaimed after - funny, he didn’t even remember letting Kramer go.
Jerry and Elaine stared back at them, then at each other, with their mouths hanging open. “What, is my coming out of the closet not even worth the time of day?” George huffed.
“No, it’s not that. Sit down, George,” Jerry said, gesturing to the couch. “You see, before you arrived, the three of us were in the middle of a very enlightening conversation. Elaine confessed that she’s been in love with me since our breakup, but we don’t work well as a couple regardless of our feelings. On the other hand, Kramer has brought to our attention the fact that he and I are more or less in a functional cohabiting relationship. And now you cut your heterosexuality in half. This is all…”
“A lot?” offered Elaine.
“I have a suggestion,” said Kramer, who was now drinking Jerry’s milk straight from the jug. “We’ve known each other a long time. We’re all comfortable with each other.”
“Kramer saw me naked,” said Elaine.
“So have I,” Jerry added.
“My point exactly. Anyway, we’re in our 40's and at this point it’s more likely we’ll die than find a lasting relationship. So why don’t we all just make out on Jerry’s couch for awhile?”
Elaine looked to Jerry. Jerry hesitated, then nodded. Kramer gave them both a thumbs up. The three of them looked to George, who, despite his proud declaration only moments earlier, was now frozen with doubt.
George knew he cared about Jerry. Probably was attracted to him. Maybe even loved him. Kissing Kramer had been more of a test than anything, but it wasn’t half bad. Quite the opposite, actually. And he had felt a pang of envy upon realizing he was the only one in the room who hadn’t seen Elaine naked.
Oh, what the hell. “Coffee afterwards?”