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I Would Totally Kick Jiraiya's Butt

Chapter Text

The village was devastated. So many of the buildings were smashed, and so many people had lost their lives to the Kyubi. Entire squads of ninja were needed to sift through the wreckage for any survivors. It is with two of these ninja that our story starts. "This destruction..." one ninja said. "It's unreal... How could this happen?"

"The nine-tailed demon fox," the other ninja replied brusquely. "That damned fox killed people by stepping on them. What else would happen when it went on a rampage? Now come on, we need to clear this whole sector in an hour."

"Do you hear that?" the first ninja asked. The second ninja stopped talking and listened for a bit.

"Is that... a baby crying?" he said. They both hurried to where the sound seemed to be coming from. A ray of light pierced the clouds to fall down on a blanket on top of a large piece of rubble. One of the ninja lifted up the blanket to reveal... a log. The other ninja rolled his eyes and picked up the baby lying on another piece of rubble. The child, a boy, couldn't have been more than a few months old. He had a thick head of brown hair and dark marks under his eyes. The ninja rocked the baby, and he stopped crying. He opened his hazel eyes and cooed at the sight of the man. "Found the baby. Let's take him to the other survivors. Hopefully one of the survivors is looking for him."

"And if not?"

"Then the kid's going to be in for a rough childhood."

"Well just in case, let's give him a name."

"Kouki." (Koh-key. Has kanji for either light or happiness and either light or hope)


"If he needs the name, then he's gonna need what it means more."


I plopped down on my bed and groaned. One moment I was writing the assignment thinking about how I would totally beat up Jiraiya if I was in Naruto and in the next three years had passed and I was a small child in a Konohagakure orphanage. I immediately recognized this as the start of a self-insert fanfiction because I know myself. "Really, Me?" I asked. "You just had to write an SI." If I'm going to be doing this, I'm sooo going to fourth-wall break. "You'd better give me a good reason for knowing the future so I don't get thrown in an insane asylum." I paused. "Does Konoha even have insane asylums? Thinking about it, they don't really seem to have any form of psychological therapy, what with how nobody helped any of the various orphans in Naruto. Or Hinata, for that matter. Where was I again? Oh, right! I could also use a way to refresh myself on the timing of things, Me." I licked my lips. "Well," I said, "seems that habit followed me here. I should probably cut down on it or people might think I'm the secret child of Orochimaru and... I don't know, Tsuyu Asui?" I thought about that for a moment and groaned again. "Thanks for that mental image, brain. That was almost as bad as that one horrible dream I had where Naruto and Jiraiya were..." I trailed off, screamed, stood up, and walked to the nearest wall, which I immediately started banging my head on. As I did that, an older orphan came in the room.

"What are you doing?" he asked me.

"Punishing my brain," I stopped to answer.


"Because it needs to be punished."

"O...kay... just... don't hurt yourself?" He walked away, muttering, "Weirdo."

Once I decided that my brain had been punished enough (I took the headache as a sign of surrender), I plopped back down on my bed. "What now?" I said to myself. A leaf drifted through an open window and landed on my forehead. It was at this moment that I realized that I somehow knew how to mold and use chakra to some degree as if it was instinctual. "Plus ultra, I guess." I started channeling chakra into the leaf on my forehead, hoping that I was doing the chakra exercise right.


I collapsed, water splashing slightly as I fell on its surface. It had been a little over a month and my complete and utter lack of a life had served me well in my quest for power. I'd managed to slip off to a secluded area of woods with a lazy and shallow river where I'd spent a great deal of time mercilessly training myself in the ways of sticking leaves to myself, only stopping for a rest and snack break when I started to get tired. At first, I couldn't do too much because, as a child of a little over three years, my chakra reserves were limited (though I think that my reserves were also higher than they should have been due to me having the mental energy of a teenager). Of course, practice makes perfect, so I soon found myself able to use more chakra at once. Once I could hold multiple leaves on multiple parts of my body simultaneously for a few seconds, I upgraded to tree climbing. While I didn't have any kunai to mark my progress, I'd figured out how to channel chakra through my fingernails to leave small scratches in the bark without harming my nails, which I ended up calling Cat Claws Jutsu. Once I was able to walk up trees like I was walking on the ground and also stick leaves to myself while doing it, I took a day for rest (chakra exhaustion sucks) and then started on water walking. That... that involved much more getting wet than I'd like to admit... Eventually, however, I'd managed to get water walking down pat and included leaves in it as well, which is what I had just finished at that point. I got up, figuring that laying down on the water is probably a bad idea, and got to solid ground before plopping down on the grass. As I did, the leaves that had been clinging to my skin fell off. I pulled out the apple I'd brought as a snack. Mmm, fuji apples. When I was done devouring the fruit, I licked my lips, wrapped the core in the napkin I'd stored it in, and lay there for a bit. I breathed in the nice, Springy air. So far as I knew, the Land of Fire was constantly warm, which is how it got its name. I certainly wasn't complaining; I like it hot. Once I'd caught my breath and had time to rest, I picked up one of the leaves I'd been using for training. "Time for some advanced training," I said. I sandwiched the leaf between my palms, closed my eyes, and focused. "Two fronts grinding against each other," I thought. Snip. I opened my hands, revealing that the leaf had developed a small cut on it, as if someone had cut it with a pair of scissors. "It's a start," I said.


When I started with wind chakra, I decided to start doing light exercise not related to chakra. I didn't want to do too much because I had once heard something about lifting weights as a child stunting growth or something. It probably wasn't as big of a problem in a world where Rock friggin Lee can exist, but I still wanted to be careful. I just did some light jogging (while collecting and attempting to cut leaves), sit-ups (while attempting to cut leaves), and push-ups (fun fact: it is very hard to cut leaves with wind chakra while doing push-ups, but not impossible). It was on a jog around the playground near the orphanage that everyone played in that I saw him. A blonde boy with markings on his cheeks sitting alone by a tree. All of the other kids were ignoring him. I distantly remembered a time when one of the adults from the orphanage took us all aside and told us that he was a demon and we shouldn't play with him. It was before my past life memories came in... or however that worked... but now it made it all the more real what Naruto went through. I was already going to try to befriend Naruto, but now I really wanted to do something. I walked over to the other side of the tree Naruto was sitting at and looked around to see if anyone was looking. When I saw that nobody was, I muttered "Cat Claws Jutsu" and started using my claws to get a good grip on the tree. I could have just used the regular tree walking, but I was trying to be discreet so as to not have people asking why I knew ninja techniques. I did, however, use the tree walking to grip with my feet. Once I was situated on a branch above Naruto, I looked around to see if anyone was looking. It seemed not. Apparently, tree-climbing in a ninja village full of trees that was founded by a tree-man is a very uninteresting sight. Who knew? I licked my lips, took a deep breath, and said, "Hi, there," to him. When he looked up, I gave a small but friendly smile and waved. "My name's Kouki, what's yours?" I mean, I already knew his name, but it's not like I could tell him that.

He sniffed and said "Naruto." I noticed that his eyes were all red (not Kyuubi red, irritated red) and puffy. "Why are you here?"

I jumped down, using a light burst of wind chakra to cushion my fall, and said, "Everybody avoids you, so I felt like you might want somebody to play with." I sat down next to him. "People avoid me, too. I think it's because I don't talk to people much, look like I'm really bored most of the time, and have really freaky eye markings." For whatever reason, I had black markings with a white dot under and offset to the outer side of each eye, which in real life was just permanent dark shadows under my eyes and... what were they, freckles? Beauty marks? I had dot markings under each eye. I guess author me's basis for that was the fact that several people in Naruto had what appeared to be biological, and in some cases hereditary, markings not directly related to being the prison for a demonic monster. For example, the Inuzukas, the Akimichi, Jiraiyass, Orochimaru, and the second and third Hokages. "I'm fine with being alone, but I had a feeling you aren't. Wanna be friends?"

He gasped, then gave me a bright smile. His eyes began to water and he gave me a hug. I patted him on the back and just let him hug it out. When he was done, he asked, "What do friends do?"

"I... don't know. I guess maybe I show you something cool?"

"Like what?" I pulled a leaf from my pocket and cut it in half. He gasped. "Cool! How'd you do that?"

"When I grow up, I wanna be a ninja. I managed to find out how to do some stuff with chakra. That's apparently an advanced technique that grants you wind powers."

He looked confused at that. "How does cutting a leaf give you wind powers?"

"It's more like it's the easiest use of wind chakra or something. Doing it lets you practice wind chakra so you can do more advanced stuff."

He beamed at me. "Can you teach me?"

I smiled and said, "There were a lot of steps involved in learning how to do it. I had to do a bunch of other special exercises before I could do it." He pouted. "Buuut, if you do exactly what I tell you and don't question it, I can teach you some cool stuff." He nodded vigorously.

"I'm gonna be Hokage someday! Knowing how to use chakra stuff would be great!" I smiled. The was no doubt in his words. It was as if he already knew he would be Hokage, and the world just had to catch up.

I bowed. "Very well, then, Hokage-sama. Let the training montage begin."


"Whoa!" Naruto said. He was staring at the small tree that I had just felled with a few quick swipes.

"That's what I can teach you," I said with a smug grin as I put my hands in my pockets. "Before that, though, I have some rules that I have for you. First, I don't think that non-ninja are supposed to use jutsu in public, so please don't do stuff like this until you're in the academy at least. Second, even when you do use chakra, please be careful with it." I kicked the tree that I'd just killed. "You can do some serious damage. Third, if you start to feel tired, stop using your chakra unless you absolutely have to. It's a combination of mental and physical energy, meaning it uses your life force. You do the math. Got that?" He nodded eagerly. "Good. Now, for your first task," I picked a leaf off of the tree and gave it to him, "use chakra to stick this leaf to your body."

Naruto groaned. "That's so boring!"

I narrowed my eyes and said, "I told you to do exactly what I say. This is a chakra exercise. It lets you practice in the use of chakra. It's just the first step in what I have to teach you." I walked up a nearby tree. "Get good enough with it and I get to teach you the next trick." I looked at him expectantly. He stared at the leaf, then placed it on the palm of his hand. He then channeled enough chakra into it that it started glowing blue slightly. He flipped his palm over so that the leaf should've fallen over, but it didn't. I dropped to the ground and inspected the leaf. It was a little unsteady, but holding. I guess he was having an easier time controlling his chakra because he hadn't yet developed stupid amounts of it. "Rein it in slightly. Other than that, it seems fine. I'm going to do my stuff. Once you think you're good with one, add another. Do that until I say you're ready."


"You're ready," I told him with a laugh a few days later. His arms were covered in leaves. "Take a little break and I'll teach you the next step."


It continued like that for a while. I don't know how long it lasted for, but by the time Naruto started with leaf cutting, I saw... was he the Raikage? The one guy who Hiashi Hyuuga called the head ninja of Kumogakure when he was talking about the incident with Hinata's kidnapping. I saw that jerk walking down the streets. I managed to find out from a nearby villager that it was December 27th, Hinata's birthday, and he was going to sign the peace treaty with Konoha. I decided that I would help stop the incident in whatever way I could, seeing as that was pretty much where everything started to go wrong in Hinata's life and I could hopefully stop it. I was thinking about how I could sneak my way into the Hyuuga compound when I got a splitting headache and a tingly feeling in my eyeballs. When I opened my eyes, I could see... myself sneaking into the compound and finding the Raikage in Hinata's room. It was like that one hint stone in Skyward Sword, where you could see a cutscene of what you had to do, except really trippy because it was in real life. I looked in the general direction of the fourth wall and said, "Well that's a deus ex machina and a half, Me. Thanks, I'll make good use of the intel." I quickly found Naruto, told him that I had to do something and that he should continue with the leaf-cutting practice until I got back. He was making decent progress with it. His leaves were already cut almost halfway through. I then began with the path that I'd seen. When I finally managed to sneak in, it was already dark. I went to the spot on the fence I'd seen myself brooding in the vision when I saw the enemy in my vision. Thankfully, I was just in time to see the man dressed in all black sneak up to Hinata's room. I licked my lips as I thought for a second about what I could do, but quickly decided with a silent "Screw it." "HYUUGA HIASHI!" I screamed. "A MASKED MAN IS TRYING TO KIDNAP YOUR DAUGHTER! MAKE SURE TO CAPTURE HIM ALIVE, THOUGH, OR HIS VILLAGE WILL DEMAND YOUR HEAD OR START A WAR!"

"WHAT!?" a man who I assume was Hiashi screamed.

"I SAID THAT A MAN IS TRYING TO KIDNAP YOUR DAUGHTER! PROBABLY FOR HER EYES! AND IF YOU KILL HIM HIS VILLAGE WILL DEMAND YOUR CORPSE FOR YOUR EYES! PLEASE HURRY! I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S ABOUT TO KILL ME FOR RUINING HIS PLANS AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE DYING SO SOON!" As I was shouting at him, the masked man came out and started making a few hand seals. I jumped off of the fence and made a single seal of my own (dragon seal, the only one I knew) and started molding wind chakra.

"Lightning Release: Lightning Shot!" He shot a bolt of lightning chakra out of his hand at me.

"Wind Release: Mini Air Slashes!" I countered by making small slashing motions with my index fingers. Small blades of air spawned from my fingers and rammed straight into the lightning. After most of the slashes dissipated while expending some of the lightning, the remaining one cut straight through the weakened jutsu and cut slightly into his chest. I breathed a sigh of relief and licked my lips. That wouldn't have worked if he hadn't underestimated me, though to be fair not many small children can make air slashes, whatever the size. I dashed in close to him and activated my other wind jutsu. "Wind Release: Dragon Claws." Before I could attack him, I saw him punch me in the chest, but... he hadn't punched me yet. His fist came at me and I ducked away from it. As I dodged I swiped at his leg, hoping that I could distract him if I made enough cuts. What really happened... it was both better and worse than I was hoping for...

Squelch. "GYAAAAH!" the man screamed as blood spouted everywhere. I stopped in my tracks. Even in the dim light, I definitely saw his leg fall off.

"What?" I turned around to see several Hyuuga ninja staring at me. I made to answer but was suddenly overtaken by a wave of fatigue and dizziness. Chakra exhaustion. "How did you get here? How did you do that?" The ninja in the lead, Hiashi, asked me.

I just barely managed to grin and say, "I don't suppose you'd believe me if I said I could see the future?" before my eyes rolled back in my head and I passed out.

I guess the first chapter ends with a cliffhanger...