Uncertainty was the root of insecurity which Terushima Yuuji had with relationships.
It was fun to go all out when you date— to show the other person how it would be with the passion of going all out at 100%. Every moment brought about new surprises; it was always an adventure. After all, there was something new to be found out everyday! Something new to experience with someone! Terushima really liked the highs— the peaks of getting to know someone, to the teasing yet lingering touches, to the passion that would manifest in adventures, in physical encounters among other things.
The brand new, the unknown— it was something that terrified the fuck out of him yet it pushed him to go even further. Go beyond what was expected of him. Of course it would be terrifying yet he had to admit: it was fun.
He liked the rush. It was the best part. And this was precisely because no one could stay for too long. Unfortunately, not everyone could understand, much more keep up with the energy. Because of this, Terushima jumped from one person to the next, in hopes of keeping that thrill alive.
What the fuck was he supposed to do? Cry? Grieve? Fuck no; he wasn't going to stay sad over some temporary people. If they can't stay, then it's their loss. They were bound to leave anyway. Headfirst all the time; here's one person, another, and another and another— And yet he didn't want to admit it: the uncertainty was the root of all of this fear.
Going out with all this energy before being able to rebuild himself and recover? This was unhealthy. Maybe all he wanted was to settle? Maybe he wanted that security. Of course, who wouldn't want to have someone to be with who would support them and love them throughout the highs and lows, right?
Yes, his friends were there and he truly appreciated the platonic bonds—almost familial even— with them but there was this yearning he had for something of romance. Maybe he actually wanted to create a bond with someone and actually stand by this? Not run away when shit got rough? Not give up when an inconvenience presents itself? Maybe he just wanted a peaceful kind of love. Was he ready though? Especially with him working now, he wasn't able to go out and meet new people as much as he did in university.
Sure, the environment was one where he could network and meet people from a business standpoint but it didn't have the same level with how dynamics were when he was still a teenager up until his early twenties. The energy was different; he wasn't as sharp as he was before. University wasn't that long ago, but he had to admit, everything was getting a lot more tiring.
He never really talked much about this in detail with his friends since he never really thought of the need to but here he was, questioning himself in the middle of his break. He should be enjoying his lunch, the coffee, the company he had with him and yet he felt himself getting dragged by these insecurities. He could hear every little thing happening in this coffee shop: the sounds of the coffee machines, the chattering of different patrons, the clinking of glasses, of cutlery against plates, the typing on laptop keyboards, the laughter from different people— it was getting overwhelming.
On top of this, the voices of his insecurities were taunting him, they were whispering loudly into his ear saying You're going to die alone— Alone, Yuuji! No one will stay because you're too much— while pulling him lower and lower, until his breaths were shallower, his chest tightening. Help—
"Hey, Terushima, you there?" He felt someone's hand gently squeeze at his shoulder and he looked up to see a blurry figure of the officemate he was having lunch with—Misaki. Things were out of focus, so Terushima had to take a few deep breaths to re-center himself and for his vision to finally settle.
"Breathe—" He heard Misaki say in a soft tone. It caught him a little off guard; she wasn't normally this soft. Regardless, Terushima continued to catch his breath until he somewhat calmed down. "Sorry," he paused. "Was just a little tired, I guess. You know how it is." He then flashed a smile, which he hoped would cancel out how tired he was. Misaki noticed the glassed over look in Terushima's eyes. She scrunched her forehead for a second, before smiling gently at the blonde. She tried her best to give a few soft pats on his shoulder.
"If anything's on your mind, alright? Know I'll be here to listen."
"Mhm," he looked away from Misaki and stared at his half eaten pasta dish. He started to play with the tail end of the fork. "I appreciate it. Just— I don't know. Rough week."
"I get that," She decided not to comment on how different Terushima's energy was and continued to just sit quietly beside him. "Rest up, okay? You should take care of yourself. You know, I've known you for a really long time and I see that you keep giving things so much effort and energy. I know that's very you but don't forget to take care of yourself too, alright?" Misaki adjusted her posture. "Slowing down isn't bad, Terushima. It's okay not to have all the answers right away."
Misaki's words felt like a warm hug. Maybe reassurance was all he needed? Whatever it was, Misaki was right. It's fine to slow down. It's fine to figure things out as they happen and not rush headfirst into every single venture. Maybe he should do just that.