Cas is… well, awesome. We’ve been friends since the sixth grade and it's hard to even remember who my best friend was before him. Benny and Charlie are great, don’t get me wrong, but what I have with Cas is next level. I don’t even have to say what I'm thinking, he always knows.
Cas is gay. I mean, he tried the bi thing and after some very awkward sexcapades with his ex girlfriend this past summer, he realized and accepted his homosexuality. Ever since then, his confidence has almost tripled.
The skinny, shy kid with messy hair I met has transformed into this tall, confident man, complete with the messy hair, that is suddenly sexy to pretty much every teenager in this den of hormones we call high school.
Don’t get me started on his fucking eyes. The shade of blue they are should be illegal and it doesn’t help that the dude is pretty intense. You know, eye contact, give you all of my attention kind of intense. This guy won’t even pull out his phone if someone is talking to him, and demands the same respect or he’ll snatch your phone and fuck with your contact names.
One time he changed my mom’s name to my girlfriend Lisa’s name, the thorough asshole even changed the photo. Let’s just say, I was grounded the next week for what I texted her.
I should say ex girlfriend Lisa, we broke up a few weeks ago. Once Cas broke up with Meg we started spending a lot more time together and Lisa started acting different, constantly wanting me to spend time with her and less with Cas. The breakup was amicable but today was still going to be awkward, maybe we’ll get lucky and have no classes together. As if, Lawrence High isn’t that big.
Cas and I made a pact, Senior year will be different. We won't be tied down by some chicks or dudes this year. We both turn eighteen in a few months and already started planning for the apartment we’re going to rent together. Sam wasn’t happy I planned on moving out soon but it had to happen one day.
Sam’s a freshmen this year and the only person to know about my feelings for Cas. I know I could talk to my friends about it but… come on, this was Cas! I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone and Sam only knew because of a drunken confession after a house party two weeks ago. By the way, I will never drink tequila again. Mistakes were made.
When I think back to the day I realized I loved my best friend, it feels more like damn chick flick then my actual life.
We were at the beach, typical. Summer just started, we ditched our girlfriends, jumped in my beautiful ‘67 Impala and drove until we hit water. We somehow decided it was a good idea to day drink. Just us. That was when Cas told me he was gay. Yeah, I already knew he liked dudes, he always had and never tried to deny it but this conversation was different.
“Dean, I’m gay.” Cas said, staring into my eyes as usual.
“Uh okay Cas. Didn’t we all know this? I mean your first kiss was that Nick kid in the sixth grade.” I really didn’t see how this was news.
“No, I mean gay. Like, my dick hates my girlfriend and won’t even give her the time of day, gay.” Cas laughed at himself. “She tried so hard this weekend, god it would have been embarrassing if I gave a fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair, “I admitted that I picture a dude when she sucks me off so I could come. Was that mean?”
I couldn’t hold back my laugh, “Fuck Cas, that’s brutal!” I always loved how the guy said what he felt and never held any punches. “Never change, Cas.”
“Fuck.” We laughed together for awhile before he continued, “Yeah, I think we broke up.” He shrugged. “It was bound to happen one day, at least all of my high school memories won't be me tied to some girl I don’t actually like. I’m retiring from vagina, Dean.”
Dude made a point. “Damn, all our high school memories are of us tied to some girl. First it was Cassie and April, not that those lasted long and now Lisa and Meg. We need to spread our wings Cas.” That was the moment I decided I would break up with Lisa.
“Spread our wings? And what of Lisa?” Cas had a knowing smile.
“I think I’m going to break up with her, I mean, I’ve wanted to for a while actually. And I can’t let you have all the damn fun this senior year, right?” Cas’ smile was contagious.
“Alright, Dean.” He held out his hand, “No relationships this year. Deal?”
I shook his hand with a nod, “Deal.”
We drank some more before I got the courage to ask. “So Cas, how did you know you liked dudes?”
Cas’ head tilt in confusion, I hated when he did that. He always looked so damn... cute. “Uh, well when I was seven Anna and I had a crush on the same guy from… never mind, I refuse to name the boy band. Stop laughing assbutt.”
His blush made it worse, “Please Cas, please name the boy band!”
“Fuck off, moving on. I just always knew Dean. I knew girls were pretty too but it never held the same merit. I dated girls because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. You know? I don’t know how else to explain it.” He turned his body towards me on the bench, “How did you know you liked girls?”
Good question. “I don’t know, I guess I can see why you struggle to explain it. You just kinda know.” Or did I?
Cas stared at me uncomfortably long, eyes squinting before he spoke up again. “Are you straight Dean?”
No way he didn’t feel my entire body tense at that question. Who the fuck says exactly what the they are thinking? Oh yeah, fucking Cas. “As far as I know.” Real fucking smooth.
We didn’t get very deep after that, he let it go and I wasn’t complaining. Cas did get a little too drunk and made some drunken confessions of his own. He told me how the day we met at school was the day he knew for a fact that he liked boys and how he had a crush on me most of sixth grade. He also said that when he kissed Nick behind the lunchroom he pretended it was me. He doesn’t remember telling me these things, but how could I forget.
When I met Cas, I remember specifically thinking about how beautiful his eyes were and wanting to run a hand through his messy hair. I remember wishing I could hold his hand more than once. When he told me he kissed a boy, I remember feeling jealous. Jealous of Nick but also jealous that Cas was comfortable enough in himself to go for it and talk about it like it wasn’t a big deal.
I thought about how my dad would flip shit of he thought one of his sons were gay. I gave Cas all the support I would want if I ever had the courage to admit my feelings out loud and we have been inseparable since. I watched him try out for both teams, knowing deep down that he preferred dicks. His stories about his time with dudes were always more enthusiastic.
Meg knew what she was getting into but she insisted she could turn him straight when instead she turned him fully gay. I wish I could have seen her face.
I had to give Cas a piggyback ride to Baby since his intoxicated ass kept stopping to try and build sand castles for bees, which of course made him pretend I was his own personal horse. Almost tossed him on his ass when he said giddy up. When we finally made it to the car, I laid Cas in the backseat and he fell asleep in seconds. I remember staring down at him, the way his mouth hung slightly open as he snored softly, curling himself into the leather seat, made me suddenly want nothing more than to kiss his beautiful soft plump lips. Not like he would remember right? I leaned in with my last bit of courage just as he turned towards me and whispered my name. I jumped so high I slammed my head into the roof which knocked me out of my daze. What the fuck was I thinking?
At least my moment of gay panic was alone, I slammed the car door and almost made a run for it. A run to where? Who the fuck knows. I just knew I couldn’t look at Cas right then. It took almost an hour for me to fight off the damn panic attack and join Cas in the car to sleep. The next morning, it was as if nothing happened. For him at least.
Breaking up with Lisa was much easier than I thought it would be, seeing as all I could think about was Cas. When I finally broke it off, we had been kissing and for a brief moment her eyes were blue. When I looked down again and her eyes were brown I felt completely detached. She wasn’t what I wanted anymore.
So, anyway, here we are now. Senior year, fresh start. No chicks to tie us down and I’m completely in love with my best friend. Sonofabitch!