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Personal Log of Leonard McCoy, Stardate 2263.93

So apparently now I’m Jim’s boyfriend. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been wanting this for longer than I’d care to admit, but I never in a million years would have predicted this turn of events. We were down on Tiluria IV, and the alien princess, or ambassador, or maybe she was president, I’m not sure, anyway, she wanted to have sex with Jim to seal the deal on whatever treaty we’d been sent to negotiate. I mean, not like it hasn’t happened before, and Jim’s always been eager and willing to “perform his Captainly duties” as he puts it. But this time he just threw his arm around my shoulders and said, “Sorry, I totally would, but I’m taken.” The alien… whatever-she-was seemed confused as all get-out at his refusal. I guess his reputation precedes him, and she just couldn't believe he was turning down an offer of sex. I couldn't believe it either, actually. I looked at the kid to see what in hell he thought he was up to, but he just looked back at me all genuine and shit with those stupidly blue eyes of his and I just said, “Yeah?” and he smiled that goofy little smile that he only gets when he’s really happy, not just pretending, and he said, “Yeah.” So, that was that. I guess I’m Jim Kirk’s boyfriend. Lord help me.


Personal Log of James Kirk, Stardate 2263.93

Holy fuck, I finally did it! I got Bones! I’ve been planning this forever, and there’s been this whole softening-up process (I mean, softening him up) and then the tapering-off-sex-with-others process (for me, I mean), but finally, finally I got us there. I knew from the moment I set eyes on him on that shuttle that we were going to be an epic team, but even I had no idea that it was going to be this legendary. I have to give Uhura credit, she helped. She made it clear she was only doing it for Bones’ sake, and that I owe her, like, twenty million favors now, but whatever. When we were going to go down to Tiluria IV, I knew there was going to be this goodbye speech from the Prima Ministra, so Uhura tweaked the universal translator so the last sentence was, instead of, “May the guiding hand of Bayloss guide you on your way,” it came out, “And now you, Captain Kirk, must have sex with me to formalize the treaty.” I mean, not like it hasn’t happened before. The sex thing, not the changing the universal translator thing. So anyway, when that came out of the universal translator, I just slung my arm around Bones and told the Prima Ministra I was taken. She was pretty confused at my total non sequitur, but she probably just figured it was some weird cultural thing on our end. Bones was pretty confused too, but I gave him the look, flashed him the Kirk baby blues, and then he made that goofy little smile that he only gets when he’s really happy, which I’m planning to make happen much more often by the way, and then he said “Yeah?” and I said, “Yeah.” So, that was that! Bones is my boyfriend now. I am AWESOME.


Personal Log of Nyota Uhura, Stardate 2263.93

Kirk owes me eleventy bajillion favors. I know that’s not a real number; I don’t care. He will still be owing my grandchildren favors, is the point. I can’t believe he talked me into one of his harebrained schemes. Now I know how Leonard must have felt at the Academy since Kirk was always dragging him into trouble of one kind or another. Well, he still does, actually. Anyway. I did it for Leonard, because despite his constant grumbling, he’s actually a really good guy. Well, except when it comes to Spock, then he’s just kind of mean. But honestly, Spock drives me up the wall sometimes and Leonard keeps him humble. Insofar as that’s possible. I’m not sure if “overweening arrogance” counts as an emotion, but I’d think Spock would avoid it anyway. Nope. Sometimes I just want to smack that smug smirk off his face. Well, and other times I want to kiss it off. Anyway. Getting off track. The point is that with a small bit of tinkering to the universal translator, I was finally able to help those two get their heads out of their asses long enough for them to get together. They’ve been making moon eyes at each other since that shuttle ride to the Academy. It’s honestly embarrassing that it took them this long. Emotionally constipated, both of them, and with my boyfriend being the way he is, I’d know. I might have been just slightly influenced to help by the fact that if they got together this week I’d win the pool, which by the way has gotten ridiculously huge, but honestly it was a public service. The unresolved sexual tension between those two probably would have clogged the warp core reactor if it had gone on a second longer. So I made the universal translator say some stupid thing about the alien leader wanting to sleep with Kirk – I mean, some leaders actually have wanted to sleep with him, which in my opinion shows pretty bad taste, but whatever. Then Kirk just sort of slung his arm around Leonard and claimed him. And then they just both looked at each other with those sappy smiles that they only ever get around each other and Leonard said “Yeah?” and then Kirk said, “Yeah.” It was the least romantic finally-getting-together-moment I’ve ever heard of, and I’ve studied mating rituals of over twelve hundred cultures. Those two might be idiots, but they’re matching idiots. Boyfriend idiots now, I guess. So, that’s that. Well, I’m off to collect my winnings!