Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warnings:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Collections:
Red + Blue = Purple
Stats:
Published:
2019-10-22
Completed:
2020-02-14
Words:
56,500
Chapters:
15/15
Comments:
120
Kudos:
371
Bookmarks:
92
Hits:
8,885

You Are You

Summary:

The leaves danced around like small children in a playground, a light breeze cutting through the air. The definition of ‘silence is deafening’ was rather apparent to Jungkook as he sat on a bench in the memorial garden, staring into space. The tears that rolled down his face, left streaks of guilt mixed with every other emotion, one contradicting the other, which is why his head was such a mess and why he cradled a bottle of whiskey.

Jungkook is trapped in the throws of grief when suddenly someone crashes into his life and turns his whole world upside down.

Notes:

Welcome to my new fic. I will be updating this every other week and in the week inbetween I will update 2U so you should get an update of one of the fics each week. I was going to wait to share this but I am so emotionally invested in this one that I couldn't wait any longer. I adore this story which was written after a prompt from my platonic soulmates Daughter. After experiencing a traumatic death myself, and previous not so healthy relationships, I have poured so many emotions into this. There will be a happy ending because I could never give Taekook anything else... I hope you enjoy the ride.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: Grief

Chapter Text

The leaves danced around like small children in a playground, a light breeze cutting through the air. The definition of ‘silence is deafening’ was rather apparent to Jungkook as he sat on a bench in the memorial garden, staring into space.

The tears that rolled down his face, left streaks of guilt mixed with every other emotion, one contradicting the other, which is why his head was such a mess and why he cradled a bottle of whiskey.

5 years ago on this day he’d met his partner, Minho but there wasn’t anything to celebrate now, he wasn’t sure if there ever had been anything to celebrate, but at one time he thought there had been.

It hadn’t been the best relationship, that much he was coming to terms with, slowly, yet here he was, sat in the memorial garden on his anniversary, crying into a bottle of whiskey because he can’t deal with his emotions.

Jungkook’s phone had rung a hundred times and he had a million frantic text messages from his best friends, wondering where he was, so he wasn’t surprised when the broad figure of Jin sat down beside him.

“That isn’t going to help, you know?” Jin said quietly, pointing at the bottle nestled in Jungkooks lap.

“I know but it helps me forget.”

“Which part are you trying to forget?”

“All of it.”

“It will still be there when you sober up.”

“Ugh! I know. More of a reason to hook it up to an IV drip then.”

If the situation had been any different, Jin might have laughed.

“Since that isn’t an option, why don’t we chuck it away and go home?”

Jungkook looked at Jin “I like being here.”

“No, you don’t Kook. You are here because you think it eases your guilt, but it doesn’t because you are just reminded that Minho is dead.”

Jungkook raised his eyebrows and took a big gulp of the honey coloured liquid.

“Subtle, Jin. Thanks”

“What do you want me to say? You are the only one who feels guilty for being slightly pleased that he died. I’d hoped therapy would have made a difference by now.”

“It’s okay for you lot, you ‘can’ be pleased that he’s dead but you didn’t see every side of him. You weren’t there when he brought me heart shaped toast and coffee in bed, just because I’d been up late studying. You weren’t there when he wrapped his arms around me in a room filled with candles for movie night. YOU were not there!”

Jungkook halted the sob that threatened to break out by taking another gulp of whiskey.

“No, and we aren’t saying he was bad all the time but we can’t ignore the bad times, Kook. The bad times that were ‘really’ bad are the reason that the car accident was the only way your relationship was going to end. You would never have finished with him and he would never have let you go.”

“Because I loved him. He loved me, you know?”

“I know, Kook.” Jin sighed, a big, deep, heavy sigh.

It had been 6 months since the car accident that turned Jungkooks world upside down and inside out. The day of the accident had been awful, Minho had woken Jungkook up by shouting in his face and a hand on his throat because Jungkook had got home later than planned from his games night with his friends. He thought Minho was asleep when he got in so hadn’t disturbed him, the game he was playing with Jimin had ended in a draw so they’d had a rematch, it had been a good evening until the next morning.

They had argued all morning, Jungkook apologising constantly and sobbing until Minho had let him go. He’d been late in the past and it had caused problems but he’d understood the issue was Minho’s jealousy if he’d been out in a bar or with other people from college or work. But the games night had been with his friends, most of whom he had grown up with and known most of his life so he didn’t understand the rage.

When Minho had left their apartment, Jungkook had phoned Jimin who rushed over to be with his friend. Not long after Jimin had arrived, Jin and Namjoon turned up as well, all 3 trying to get Jungkook to leave Minho, for good. Jin and Namjoon had been together for years and were the couple Jungkook looked up to, he wanted a relationship like theirs, so when they told him that his relationship with Minho was not a good thing, he started to listen.

Jimin just wanted a fight. He was a short guy with a big personality and an even bigger heart. He wouldn’t think twice about getting into trouble because he was defending his friends and had, had several arguments with Minho over the years, yet had always had to apologise so life was easier for his friend.

The decision to leave had been difficult but when Jungkook saw the marks on his neck in the mirror, he knew that he had no choice because it didn’t matter how much love there was if this was the evidence of their relationship.

He stood at his front door, flanked by his friends, he put his keys on the key holder and sent Minho a text to tell him that he would not be at the apartment when he got home. His phone had rang immediately and Minho was sobbing down the phone, begging him not to leave him. Jimin, Jin and Namjoon had urged Jungkook to remain strong through looks and sympathetic, supportive squeezes of the shoulders.

Jungkook had heard the crash, he heard Minho scream as his car hit another car and flipped over…

...he’d heard all this, seconds after Minho had said he was turning around and driving back to their apartment so they could talk about it.

The crash was Jungkooks fault.

The argument had been Jungkooks fault.

Minho’s death was Jungkooks fault.

**

He hadn’t realised he’d been staring into space for so long until his alarm had sounded on his phone, reminding him to cook dinner. The alarms had been Jimins idea and he’d set them all up so Jungkook didn’t have to.

The therapy session that afternoon had been draining, Jungkook had got home and sat on the balcony to his apartment, wrapped in a blanket, staring at nothing. He thought he’d only been there a few minutes until the annoying song played on his phone and he realised it had actually been a couple of hours.

He hated therapy.

He hated that he wasn’t allowed to feel guilty for being the cause of the accident. Everyone wanted to fix him, to make him see that it wasn’t his fault and could have happened anyway but the guilt kept him linked to Minho, the guilt came at him from all angles. The worst of it was the guilt he felt for being relieved that his relationship was over, he would have gone back to Minho unless his friends had locked him away and he knew it. These thoughts made him a bad person and he accepted that.

His therapist didn’t think he was a bad person. She said he was normal and everything he was feeling was to be expected given the circumstances.

Jungkook didn’t feel normal.

He didn’t even know why his friends bothered with him anymore.

Jungkook couldn’t wallow forever, he was well aware of that but he didn’t quite know how to kick himself out of it.

Jin had suggested running. Jimin had suggested going to visit his family. Namjoon had suggested learning a different language.

He didn’t fancy any of those so decided to join a new gym that had opened up nearby. He’d signed all the paperwork and looked around, liking the fact that it was new so it felt like a fresh start. The induction was in 30 minutes, so his alarm told him, he hadn’t eaten and knew Jimin would be mad but he promised himself he would grab something afterwards.

**

The gym was so new it practically sparkled and didn’t smell of body odour, yet. The personal trainer had left Jungkook to it after he’d realised that working out wasn’t anything new to him. He already started feeling that raise in mood as he lifted weights, sat at a machine, feeling that burn in his biceps and releasing some tension.

It was quite quiet and he noted the time so that he could return again whilst there weren’t many people around. He was a sociable person but since the crash, he just couldn’t speak to people because the conversation always ended up coming around to the accident and then it became awkward. People didn’t like talking about how Jungkook had sat by his boyfriend’s bedside in intensive care for 2 weeks and held his hand as they switched off the machines, watching his chest still for the last time. It made people uncomfortable when Jungkook replied that it was his fault so sympathy wasn’t necessary.

Jungkook was a conversation killer so he stopped conversing with people.

The sweat ran down his neck as he was halfway through his run on the treadmill. Running outside wasn’t as much fun as the treadmill because there were usually people in the way wanting to walk 3 or 4 across on the paths. Running around pedestrians was annoying and caused more frustration, so he’d stopped running outside a long time ago.

His pace was slowing as he neared the end of his workout, the machine going at a leisurely speed. A few more people entered the gym and hopped onto machines either side of him and he was pleased that he was about to head home in case anyone wanted to chat.

“Have you finished with this bottle?” a voice sounded from the space between machines to his right.

“Yes, thanks.” Jungkook replied, not looking up as he pressed a button on the machine to slow it even further.

When the treadmill halted completely he wiped his face and neck with a towel and stepped off, noting how much busier it had become and considering buying some ear phones for the next session, just in case.

They all seemed friendly enough as he walked out, a few people smiling at him as he made eye contact. He had a good feeling about the gym and perhaps a little hope that things would start looking up at some point.

**

“I think you should get laid”

The group all turned to look at Yoongi who had just walked into the lounge where everyone sat, handing out drinks.

“I’m not sure that’s the answer, babe.” Jimin stood, waiting for Yoongi to sit down so he could sit on his lap.

Yoongi was 2 years older than Jimin and they’d been together, officially for 18 months after finally giving in. They still like to complain within the group and claim it was peer pressure but they all knew the truth so there was mostly fake yawns and eye rolling when they started on about it.

Everyone could see the strong attraction between them, even at school and the sexual tension mounted as they hit puberty. Jimin was an insatiable flirt so Yoongi had convinced himself that he behaved the way he did, with everyone so it wasn’t anything new. He’d confided in Hobi and Namjoon, many times at how he struggled when Jimin lounged around in skimpy clothing or sat too close during a movie night.

A game of truth or dare had been a dreadful experience for Yoongi when of course he’d ended up kissing Jimin and his arousal was blatantly obvious, making them both blush like crazy. Hobi had practically bullied Yoongi every day after that telling him to make a move on Jimin because it was clear that Jimin felt the same way, but he hadn’t, fearing rejection.

Jimin was popular at school, everyone loved him. The girls wanted him and even when he eventually came out, they still wanted him. He held the group together with his extreme desire to care for them all and he was always the first to wrap himself around them when things weren’t going so well. Jin and Jungkook had told him for years that he had a thing for Yoongi and they could see it but Jimin always responded with how he was like that with everyone and that Yoongi wasn’t interested in him.

They were chalk and cheese, really. Jimin was a bundle of energy, wearing his heart on his sleeve and loving everyone openly and willingly. He put his heart and soul into everything he did but he had a feisty side and the group adored him for it. Yoongi was quite closed off most of the time, he had the classic ‘resting bitch face’ and appeared unapproachable. He was the silent type who sat and watched everything that went on around him, taking note and looking out for the group.

Yoongi and Jimin worked.

The day they finally got together, Jimin had been convinced that Yoongi needed cheering up so he decided to tickle him. Yoongi always let Jimin get away with murder compared to how he treated everyone else but being tickled crossed the line. He’d given in and they’d fallen off the sofa onto the floor, Jimin pinned underneath Yoongi who had his hands restrained to prevent him from tickling him any more. They were both out of breath, faces close and time had stood still as they stared into each others eyes.

Yoongi had taken a leap of faith and slowly moved his face closer, feeling butterflies in his stomach as he saw Jimins eyes close. Their first proper kiss was gentle and sweet, Jimin had kissed him back eagerly and they’d whimpered into each others mouths. At that point, the group had barged into the room, stopping in their tracks at the sight before them, then hollering and cheering as Yoongi quickly jumped up and looked as flustered as Jimin.

There was no going back after that. They didn’t have any excuses and had to admit the truth. They’d never been happier, they just didn’t like to admit the fact that everyone had been right for years.

“I think it’s the answer. Go and fuck the life out of some poor unsuspecting dude and see if you don’t feel better.” No one ever knew if Yoongi was serious because his face was usually always the same.

Jimin got comfortable on his lap and kissed him, then whispered in his ear “I’ll feel better if you fuck the life out of me later” he was shameless and great at distracting people.

No one paid any attention to the fact that Yoongi’s eyes opened wide and he gulped, giving Jimins thigh a squeeze in the process.

“I did actually feel a bit brighter after my workout. I’m going to stop therapy.”

It was like a bomb had been dropped with those words.

“Wait… you what?” Jin was the first to speak.

“I’m going to stop. You said yourself that you thought it would have worked by now. Do you know what I did after the session today? I sat on my balcony and lost hours to staring into space, lost in thought about shit I can’t do anything about.”

“He’s got a point” Namjoon added, looking at Jin.

“Can you at least discuss it with your therapist?” Jin said whilst elbowing Namjoon.

“I phoned her and explained, already. I told her to keep me on her books for the next 3 months.”

“What did she say? I don’t think it’s a good idea, JK.” Hobi said as he took a mouthful of his drink.

“She said it wasn’t advisable but that if I didn’t feel it was working then perhaps a break would be beneficial. Guys, all the sessions do is bring everything to the front of my mind. I relive it again and again at each session and I don’t know how I’m ever going to move forward if I have to keep going backwards.”

“Okay, you have a point.” Hobi agreed.

“If you think that is best for you then we support you, you know that. Just promise us that you will stop the drinking?” Jin looked around the room, hoping the others would back him up.

“Jin, I haven’t had a drink since the memorial garden, okay?” Jungkooks voice was quiet.

“We support you, JK.” Hobi nodded as he spoke.

“Definitely time to get laid”

Jungkook rolled his eyes and Jin threw a cushion in Yoongi’s direction, only to get a death stare off Jimin and everyone laughed.