- Book burning
Kakashi was late. This wasn't unusual. Kakashi was always late. It was his thing.
The reason he was late, though?
Kakashi didn't care if the goose was technically a comrade. He was going to feed his dogs goose liver tonight.
- Acquire genin
Sasuke had expected weird. Jounin were weird. This was not the weird Sasuke had expected.
"HONK," their new sensei said loudly, spreading her wings threateningly.
"I think she wants us to meet her on the roof," Sakura said hesitantly when the goose waddled confidently back out.
"That's our sensei?" Naruto asked.
Sasuke hadn't ever thought he'd be on the same page as the dead last.
"We have—" Naruto's eyes shone with some strange emotion. "—the coolest possible sensei! We're going to be awesome!"
Of course he still wasn't.
- No take-backs
"I'm not saying you can't teach them anything," Hiruzen said in a reasonable voice as Kakashi showed subtle signs of stress despite all the students he'd failed. "I'm simply telling you that you'll have to get their jounin-sensei's permission first."
"You're not serious," Kakashi said in a dead voice.
"Sorry, Kakashi-kun," though Hiruzen knew the cheer in his voice confirmed his complete lack of regret, "but it was first come, first serve. You're too late."
- Make the children make the small child cry
"Can you fail a D-rank?" Sakura wondered.
"Sensei is counting on us," Naruto said excitedly. Also, he was pretty sure if you failed enough of them, they started sending you on C-ranks instead. Surely that was Sensei's masterful master plan.
Sasuke was quietly sulking, because he'd already failed at his attempt, the child enamored with his stupid duck butt hair. Who was Sensei's favorite now? Sure, Sasuke had claimed that this was beneath his dignity as a shinobi, but that was what he'd said about the team training in the pond, too.
"We're going to be the best worst babysitters ever," Naruto proudly proclaimed.
And they were.
- Go fishing
Tazuna had thought his goose was cooked when the ninja goose pulled the missing nin from the puddles, but after a single, fearful, "HONK!" she'd thrown them to the genin like they were a good training opportunity.
Not for the first time and not for the last, Tazuna thought that there was something seriously wrong with Konoha.
- Take the present
It was a goose.
It was just a goose.
Zabuza had faced so much worse than a goose.
The goose hissed at him as she held the sword in her beak in a shockingly skillful manner.
Then again, Zabuza was from Kiri. He knew exactly what a goose could do. And there were six other swords. Kisame had gone rogue. Maybe his could be parted from him. A shark, even one who was one of the seven swordsman, was much less terrifying than a terrible goose in full terror mode.
- Bring down an empire
Sakura watched as Gatou fell before Sensei, his thugs defeated, his gang in full retreat.
"Sensei is … kind of cool," Sakura said thoughtfully.
"Right?" Naruto said.
"Hn," Sasuke said, which almost approached agreement.
Sakura clenched her fists. That was it. She wasn't going to be shown up by some waterfowl, even if that waterfowl was her extremely cool sensei. Sakura wasn't going to settle for gliding along anymore. She was going to soar.
- Catch a snake
Orochimaru looked at the goose. The goose looked back at him. It was a goose, not a mongoose.
Sarutobi-sensei had a smile that said he was just a moment away from laughing.
Orochimaru hadn't gotten this far without taking any risks—but he also hadn't gotten this far by being stupid. He broke the barrier and ran the fuck away.
- Acquire a weasel
"What do you mean it's not his fault?" Sasuke snarled. His eyes burned red. Itachi had never wanted to see that look on his brother's face, but at least he was alive to hate him. "He killed them all!"
The goose's Konoha hand sign was atrocious, but not actually that bad for someone with two wings and flappy feet. Itachi would be impressed if not for Sasuke's inconvenient sensei's determination to ruin everything.
"What's taking so long?" Kisame complained, wandering down the street unconcernedly as he came to check on Itachi—until he saw the goose. He froze. Right. Kisame was from Kiri.
There would be no help from that quarter. Itachi was going to have to do everything himself, as always.
This time, it wasn't enough.
- Take the shark, too
"Why are you letting a goose bully you?" Itachi asked with what appeared to be forced calm.
"You shut the fuck up," Kisame said, but he didn't make a single threatening move. He stood as calmly as was possible with a goose perched on his shoulders, using him as a steed. "You want to have a go? Because I will laugh—laugh—when she wrecks you."
"Sensei is very cool!" the Kyuubi's container crowed. Kisame wanted to cut off his legs.
The goose gave a low hiss, and Kisame shivered. He muttered, "I wasn't going to do it."
Honestly, it was a relief when Jiraiya of the Sannin showed.
- Needs more eyes
What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.
It was a goose.
No wonder Madara left Konoha when the geese moved in.
- To the moon
"Sensei, we can't let you take that on alone," Sakura said like the good girl she was on the surface. Her fists clenched. Like the bloodthirsty hellion that lurked beneath and which the goose had nurtured assiduously, she continued, "We'll destroy anyone that tries to hurt you."
"We can definitely help!" Naruto said like the good boy he actually was. With all the bravado her wings had failed to beat out of him, he continued, "I'll never abandon one of my precious people!"
"She'll be fine," Sasuke scoffed, because he was an ungrateful child. He was loyal enough to say, "But it wouldn't hurt to have a little extra help."
The goose had gathered others. She had a whole nation behind her and those allied to it. She had a plan, and all the pieces were in play.
Her bunny big sister was never going to know what hit her.