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Actual Cannibal Versus Goose

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You’re walking in the woods and your phone is dead. Out of the corner of your eye you spot him.

Shia LaBeouf.

Elsewhere, an eldritch honk sounds, taking the ominous feel of the underbrush to another level. It starts following you, as does Shia LaBeouf. They’re gaining on you, run for your life!

There’s blood everywhere, my god there’s blood everywhere!

The honk turns into an unassuming goose, which follows Shia LaBeouf, honking angrily as they meet eye to eye, circling each other for the option to kill you and eat your remains. An angry honk sounds as the goose flogs Shia, stealing the knife from his hand as the ripple of feathers beat at his body.

You make use of the moment while the two are distracted to get to the underbrush, watching at the goose stabs Shia LaBeouf in the kidney, honking in satisfaction as he falls to the ground, flapping its wings as beady eyes turn on you.

You run.

There’s a small cabin in the distance, the lights on, and carefully you creep towards it, making sure to be quiet, even as a bear trap snaps over your leg, severing it, just as Shia Labeouf comes from the cabin, a sharpened axe in his hand.


The goose attacks, the knife swinging from its beak as it flaps its wings, a flurry of feathers and gleaming metal, Shia Labeouf screaming in rage as you limp away, dragging yourself backwards as they continue to fight, screams of anger and blood spurting into the air.

You can taste the iron in the air as something follows you into the underbrush, the sound of breathing heavy as it approaches.

It’s the goose, wielding Shia’s bloody axe in its beak, eyes craving murder as the red stains its pristing feathers. Somewhere from behind the axe, a honk sounds, and it chills you to the core.

There is no escape.

You will never beat the Goose.