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Phobias of the Heart

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Phobias of the Heart

 

Scully cradled her glass of Reisling in one hand and the remote in the other, having settled on “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!” She smirks as she remembers watching it as a child before they all headed out for trick-or-tricking on whatever naval base they were living on, at the time. Her eyes slip shut as she remembers she and Charlie running on short legs after their bigger siblings, with their mom yelling in the distance for them to “watch Day and Charlie!” 

 

She tried not to let any sadness overtake her at the thought that she would never be the mom telling an older sibling to watch a younger one. 

 

Her melancholy was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door. She set her wine glass on the coffee table and grabbed her bowl of assorted candy bars. “Earlier and earlier every year…” she muttered, glancing at the clock and heading to the door. “It’s only 3…” She looked into the peephole to see a very large child standing in front of it. He backs up and gives her a megawatt smile.

 

“Hi, Mulder.” She said with a smirk after opening the door. 

 

“Trick,” he starts, holding up a deck of cards in his right hand. “Or Treat,” he says holding 2 cellophane-wrapped caramel apples in his left. 

 

“Definitely treat,” she stepped aside for him to come in. He throws his coat on her rack and plops down on the couch like he owns the place. He set the candy apples on the coffee table.  “Wine? Beer?”

 

“Either is fine, thanks. Whatcha watching?” 

 

“Linus extolling his ideas about the Great Pumpkin.” She walked back into the room with a glass for him and settled in about a foot away from him on the couch. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

 

“I just thought you’d like some company to battle the horde of children.”

 

“Admit it, you just came for my candy stash.” She treated him with a bright smile.

 

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” He waggled his eyebrows at her and chuckled at her quirked eyebrow. They settled into a comfortable silence as Linus and Charlie argued on the screen.

 

“Do you know what the fear of pumpkin is?”

 

“No, what?” She smiles.

 

“Pumpkinophobia.” He grinned wickedly and she feels a flutter deep in her stomach. 

 

“Liar,” she chuckled. 

 

“Alright - I don’t actually know what it is. However… sometimes when I’m around you I have Venustraphobia.” At her furrowed brows, he confessed “Fear of beautiful women.”

 

She snorted but he could see her cheeks flush. “It’s also good that I don’t suffer from Iatrophobia, fear of doctors, or I couldn’t be near you. It’s also also good that you don’t have hemophobia, being a doctor. What about you? Any coulrophobia?”

 

“I’m not afraid of clowns, Mulder. But I do know you have pyrophobia.” 

 

“That fear has died down a lot. I think Phoebe actually scared my fear of fire out of me. Among a lot of other things.” His eyes are wide and he has a vague look of horror on his face. “Judging by the impeccable state of your apartment, you clearly have mysophobia.”

 

“I’m not afraid of dirt… I just like things tidy. So, if anything I have ataxophobia. You’re one to talk with your chromophobia.”

 

“Hey! I just light neutral colors at my place.” He threw his hands up in defense. 

 

“Neutral… sure. Or, you know, boring. You also have a pretty severe cases of heliophobia because I can barely see 2 inches in front of my face when I come to visit.”

 

“Guilty as charged.” He chuckled. He glanced at her and was taken in by the small smile on her face. Her cheeks were rosy thanks to the wine and the fire burning in the heath. Just when he thought she couldn’t be more beautiful, she knocks it out of the park again. 

 

“I definitely don’t need to have any Cacophobia around you.” He gave her a soft smile. “Fear of ugliness.”

 

At that she laughed. “You certainly don’t have a fear of throwing flattery at me. Whatever that would be called.” 

 

“No idea.” He laughed. They both turned and absent-mindedly watched the tv for a bit before he spoke again. “I assumed you’re going to be bombarded by a lot of kids who definitely don’t suffer from Samhainophobia. And I just… I know kids can be overwhelming, sometimes.” He said tossing a small smile her way.

 

She narrowed her eyes and lowered her tone. “Mulder, why are you really here?”

 

“I just didn’t think you should go through this alone.” She caught the double-meaning and sighed. “The IVF was so recent…”

 

“I told you I’m fi-”

 

“Don’t say it! Don’t say it because it’s bullshit!” He barked out making her shoot her eyes up to meet his. “I am so sick of you acting like you’re alone in this. Like I didn’t want this too!”

 

Her eyes went from shock to welling up with tears and his voice softened. He leaned back against the sofa cushions, sighed and looked straight ahead. “I wanted this maybe just as much as you. I never really thought about being a father. What with my shitty childhood and dangerous job. Phoebe wasn’t cut out to be a mom by her own admission, and Diana wanted an established career before anything else. It was always something mentioned in passing but never seriously discussed. Until… you. You are just so undeniably good. You deserve all of the things you could ever want in life. The second I started seeing you as someone who wants kids, as a potential mother… I realized that I wanted desperately to be the father.”

 

“I never had any expectations for you… with the IVF. It was something I wanted and I didn’t want you to feel obligated or forced…” 

 

“Scully, just so you know, nothing you could ask of me will ever be an obligation. It’s not a chore for me to love you.”

 

She sucked in a breath as he realized what he said. “You really feel that way?”

 

He looked her straight in the eye, nods slowly, and continues. “The idea of having kids with anyone but you is absurd. But you have to know - you ARE enough. You and I are a family now, kids or no.”

 

She let a small smile creep to her lips as her eyes widened. “We are.” she croaked out. “We are a family.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “But… I can’t give you the chance to be a father. I would just disappoint you.” 

 

“Not possible.” He said firmly, shaking his head, moving closer to her on the couch. He took one of her hands and brought it to his lips. He then held both of her hands in his and gave them a squeeze. “There is no way in hell you could ever disappoint me. You are the one person who has never let me down and I know you never will. If you want kids, there are more ways - we could adopt. There are plenty of kids who need a home and they wouldn’t get a better mom than you.”

 

She sniffed and reached out to pull him into a hug. “You’re amazing,” she whispered into his ear.

 

“Nah, I’m just a man in love.” he said, then immediately froze stiff in her arms. “Uh…”

 

She pulled back to look into his eyes. “Did you mean that?” 

 

“Uh…” he stammered and then slumped his shoulders, sick of lying. “Yes… I meant it. Head over heels, baby.”

 

She barked out a wet laugh and sniffed again. “Me too.” 

 

He was on her in a split second pressing a fierce kiss to her lips. She gasped into his mouth and he took the opportunity to glide his tongue along her bottom lip. Her tongue shot out to touch his own and he took the hint, exploring her mouth and drinking her in. She wound her arms around his neck and slide further down under him on the couch. When her hips met his, he couldn’t hold in his groan. Her nails played lightly with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck, driving him wild. 

 

She could feel him growing hard against her belly and she felt a rush of arousal. She trailed her fingers down his sides across his ribs to scratch his back as she thrust her hips into his. “Jesus, Scully…” 

 

He had just started to move his fingers under the hem of her shirt when there was a knock at the door, followed by a multi-kid chorus of “Trick or treat!” 

 

“Oh you have GOT to be kidding me,” He said resting his forehead on hers as they both struggled to catch their breath. “Um - I think you need to get that… I’m in a bit of a condition here.” 

 

He caught her eye and they both started laughing. “Down boy.” She said, getting up to grab the candy bowl. 

 

“Don’t listen to her,” he muttered to his lap as she let out another laugh.

 

She swung open the door to a Spiderman, a Thor, and a Sanderson sister. “Wow - you guys look great! Very spooky.” She heard a snort from the couch behind her as she dropped some candy bars in each plastic pumpkin. “Happy Halloween!” she called after the chorus of thank-you’s. She shut the door and waited a second before turning around, taking the moment to contemplate what was about to happen. She turned to face her destiny, now leaning casually against the back of the couch. 

 

She looked at him through heavy lids as she made her way back to the couch. She paused in front of him and then lowered herself to his lap, straddling him. “Is this ok?” 

 

“Is it ok? It’s been a while - this might actually be more than ok.” He moved his face towards her and she lowered her mouth to his. She started grinding her hips into his as the kisses became frantic. “Oh my fuck…” he muttered in between kisses. He steadied her hips. “This is gonna be over way too quickly if you keep doing that.” 

 

Instead he started peppering her neck with kisses and nips as she threw her head back to give him as much access as possible. At a particularly sharp bite she let out a gasp and held his head to the space, letting him know that she was definitely not opposed to his ministrations. He started running his hands under the hem of her sweater again just as there was another knock. He let out a mock sob as she moved off of his lap with a sigh. 

 

She distributed candy again and then made her way back to the couch. “Mulder?” 

 

“Yeah?” as she lowered herself back onto his lap.

 

“I turned my hall light off.” She flashed him a wicked grin.

 

Incapable of words, he just pulled her into another deep kiss. “I’ve wanted this for so long.”

 

“Me too… I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want you or love you.” She whispered against his lips. She moved in for a kiss and this time he finally got to touch the soft skin under her shirt. She hummed into his mouth and he knew if she wasn’t ready, this had to stop now before the point of no return.

 

“Scully?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Are you ready for this… now? If you want to slow down just let me know.” He gave her his most sincere look. 

 

“Mulder, we have waited way too fucking long enough.” She bent down to nip and lick at the tendons in his neck, revelling in the burn of his five o’clock shadow against her lips. He groaned and couldn’t contain the jerk of his hips. 

 

“You are a goddess.” He picked her up and carried her off to the bedroom to prove just how much of a goddess she was. 

 

-----

 

Later, after they both came down from the best sex of their lives, Mulder pulled her sweaty and sated into his arms. “You know, with you, I never have Autophobia.”

 

“Not this again.” She laughed. “What is autophobia?”

 

“Fear of being alone.”

 

She pouted at him and moved up to give him a kiss. “I promise I will spend the rest of my life making sure you never have that fear again.”

 

“Me, too.” He kissed each of her eyelids. Before they both drifted off to sleep, she was glad to close the book on the best Halloween of her life.