Actions

Work Header

Heart of Ice: A Franklin Expedition Dating Sim

Chapter Text

Bird Lord:

WELCOME. Today is your first day of THE NAVY. You are a spritely young sailor excited about the prospects of your new career. Please input your SNAPPY LITTLE SAILOR NAME.

Player 1:

Robert

 

Bird Lord:

Your name is ROBERT. Is there a SURNAME you would like to include?

 

Player 2:

Fucks

 

Bird Lord:

Your name is now ROBERT FUCKS. Welcome, ROBERT FUCKS to the NAVY.

 

 


 

 

Bird Lord:

Before you leave for the docks, there are some ARTICLES on the bed in your shabby little sad London flat. There are CLOTHES, FOOD, and MISCELLANEOUS. What would you like to look at?

 

Player 1: 

Clothes

 

Bird Lord:

There is a SORRY EXCUSE FOR A SHIRT, a CUTE LITTLE HAT, a THREADBARE SWEATER, some MOTHBITTEN TROUSERS, some MUDSPLATTERED TROUSERS, a MINISKIRT, a SOU'WESTER HAT, some NICE LEATHER BOOTS, and a pair of FOAM FLIP-FLOPS. You will have access to more clothes later. What would you like to wear?

 

Player 1:

Threadbare sweater, Mudsplattered trousers, booties

(If ur not dressing, ur depressing)

 

Bird Lord: 

Nice. You put on these clothes and look at the other ARTICLES on your bed. You still have FOOD and MISCELLANEOUS. Would you like to look at anything else?

 

Player 1:

Miscellaneous

OOP cancel

 

Bird Lord: 

ACTION CANCELLED

You feel a sense of good fortune that the GREAT COSMIC WRITER can only type so fast, whoever that is.

 

Player 2:

Food and im getting breakfast as well

 

Bird Lord:

You look at your sorry assortment of FOOD. There is some WEEVILY HARDTACK, some POOR CRUST OF BREAD, a BOWL OF WATERY GRUEL, a FISH HEAD, and a PIECE OF ANCIENT HAM. You only wonder for a moment why all of this is on your bed.

 

Player 2:

Eat the fish head our boy needs protien

 

Bird Lord:

You eat the FISH HEAD. It is slightly smoked and surprisingly delicious. INCREASE FORTIFICATION and also VICTORIANNESS.

The other FOOD remains. Would you like to EAT MORE, DONATE TO THE POOR, DISPOSE, or RETURN TO BED ARTICLES.

 

Player 1:

Donate

 

Bird Lord:

You throw the remaining FOOD out the window to where the EAGER VICTORIAN POOR snap it up. Your CHARITY goes up. You have also earned the first RAT TOKEN from the eager and grateful rats. However, an old man chokes on the PIECE OF ANCIENT HAM and dies. Your HAPPINESS goes down.

 

Player 1:

Oh fuck

 

Bird Lord:

You still have MISCELLANEOUS ARTICLES on your bed. Would you like to look at them or go down to the docks?

 

Player 3:

Look at them

 

Bird Lord:

There is a CLAY PIPE INHERITED FROM YOUR LONG-DEAD GRANDFATHER, a SHINY PIECE OF GLASS, a SPARE BUTTON, a NICE LITTLE KNIFE, and a CUTE SILK RIBBON. You may take TWO ITEMS with you.

 

Player 1:

Knife has gotta be one of them

 

Bird Lord:

You put the KNIFE in your pocket. Its weight reassures you that you have a fighting chance against SMALL CHILDREN and OLD WOMEN. Great!

 

Player 1:

I’m being shaded aren’t I

 

Player 3:

Take clay pipe!

That seems the most useful out of the rest of them

 

Bird Lord:

You get the vibe you are being shaded. It somewhat pleases you. You take the CLAY PIPE and put it in your pocket. You feel like a SALTY OLD SAILOR. Your AESTHETIC goes up.

You now can look around the room or go down to the docks. In the room, there is a MIRROR and a CHAMBER POT. There is not much else.

 

Player 1:
Mirror

 

Bird Lord:

You look in the MIRROR. So handsome!

There is still the CHAMBER POT. You can also go down to the DOCKS.

 

Player 3: 

Docks!

Who wants to examine a chamber pot disgusting

 

Player 1: 

there was something in there I know it

 

Player 3: 

Other than shit? Surely you jest

Go to docks! See big ship!

 

Bird Lord:

You hold your water and decide to make for the DOCKS. Besides, it all goes back to the ocean anyway, right? There couldn't have possibly been any NEAT TREASURE in that CHAMBER POT. You walk down to the docks, enjoying the sea air, the yawp of eager sellers, the scuttle of sad orphans. On the way there, you run into a POOR MAN with THREE TEETH. He offers to TELL YOUR FORTUNE using the MOVEMENTS OF RATS. Will you HEAR YOUR FORTUNE?

 

Player 1:

OES

Yes

 

Bird Lord: 

You ask the old man for your FORTUNE. He nods and looks down at six rats that are currently devouring the remains of SOMETHING QUESTIONABLE. The old man hums to himself and runs his greasy thumb over his REMAINING THREE TEETH. He tells you that you will have a GREAT ADVENTURE and you will have a SAUCY LITTLE ROMANCE. Also, he tells you your hair looks good. Your SELF WORTH goes up.

 

Player 1:

Can I thank him

 

Player 3:

Yes thank the rat man

 

Bird Lord:

You THANK the old man. He says that you're welcome! You have earned another RAT TOKEN.

You take leave of the old man. Then, you notice a VERY STABBABLE ORPHAN. No one will see the crime and no one will miss them. Will you be a SICK FREAK and STAB THE ORPHAN?

 

Player 1:

NO

NO I WILL NOT

 

Bird Lord:

You do not stab the ORPHAN.

The ORPHAN scurries away on all fours. You pretend you didn't see that.

 


 

 

Bird Lord:

You are now at the DOCKS. There are many excited people milling around. Sailors load chests and crates of cargo onto the ships. The atmosphere of excitement is palpable. You look down at your CERTIFICATE to see which ship you are to go to. Your reading is just OKAY, and it is difficult to make out the exact letters.

 

Do you see EREBUS or TERROR?

 

Player 1:

TERROR

 

Bird Lord:

You think it says TERROR. You head toward a man on the side of the dock that is pointing to a ship and saying that it is the TERROR. Very kind of the Royal Navy to provide people like that! You head toward the ship and onto the deck. Once below, you give your CERTIFICATE to a fluffy triangle-haired man. He seems friendly. Do you TRY FOR CAMARADERIE with this TRIANGLE MAN?

 

Player 3: 

go see Jems on Erebus

Go see my husband

 

Bird Lord:

You will see the HANDSOME MAN on EREBUS later. There may be a time for that.

 

Player 4:

BEFRIEND HODGE

 

Bird Lord:

You decide to strike up a conversation with TRIANGLE MAN. You tell him you think his hair looks nice. FRIENDLINESS goes UP. CHARM goes UP. He is very pleased with you and tells you to head to the ORLOP DECK. Before he leaves, he discreetly hands you a SMALL MUSHROOM. Yay!

Will you go to the ORLOP deck, or somewhere else? There are other men on the ship as well, but HODGSON told you to go DOWNSTAIRS.

 

Player 3:

I've never been on a ship of this size before

Go to orlop

You can socialize later

 

Bird Lord:

You go to the ORLOP. On the way there, you see a NICE-LOOKING MAN in a LIEUTENANT'S OUTFIT. He seems busy, but you are eager to make friends. Will you talk to him?

 

Player 1:

YES

 

Bird Lord:

You walk up to the man and say HELLO. He says HELLO. You can say:

>I like your nice hair.

>You seem very kind. I would like to befriend you.

>Hail Satan.

>(Stare at him.)

 

Player 3:

You seem very kind

 

Bird Lord:

"You seem very kind," you say. He thanks you for the compliment. He says his name is LIEUTENANT JOHN IRVING and he is sorry but he is VERY BUSY. You can say:

>Oh, that's alright! Another time, then!

>Lucifer smiles open thou who art idle.

>Too busy for THIS? (Show him your hot ankles)

>(Breathe heavily)

 

Player 3:

Oh that's alright!

I mean the flashing ankles part will come later

You gotta set up a foundation first

 

Bird Lord:

"Oh, that's alright! Another time, then!" you say. IRVING likes that you respect his TIME and gives you a VERY NICE SMILE. 

IRVING RELATIONSHIP +1

You now can either LOOK AROUND MORE or go to the ORLOP.

 

Player 3:

Look around perhaps? Befriend more people?

 

Bird Lord:

You look around for more hapless people to BEFRIEND. There are TWO MEN talking about HOT ANKLES. There is also a BONY STEWARD who is trying to balance some PRECARIOUS PLATES. There is also A DOG.

 

Player 3:

DOG!

pet Neptune

 

Bird Lord:

You pet the FLUFFY DOG. He drools on you in delight. You have received a NEPTUNE'S BLESSING.

 

Player 3:

And then help poor Jopson with the plates

 

Bird Lord:

You run up to the BONY STEWARD who is NOT THE CAPTAIN'S STEWARD, DINGUS. He has very CURLY HAIR and a very STABBABLE BACK. You help him balance the plates and he thanks you for your help. You can say:

>Not a problem!

>I like your sharp cheekbones.

>I would like to have congress with your hand.

>(Stare and snort like a horse)

 

Player 3:

Not a problem!

 

Bird Lord:

You say, "Not a problem!" He admires your helpfulness and thinks you are PRETTY NICE. He introduces himself as WILLIAM GIBSON and says to call him BILLY.

 

GIBSON RELATIONSHIP +1

 

He says he is VERY BUSY as well, but you have a moment before you have to leave. You can:

>Say you hope to see him around later

>Ask him if he cuts his hands on those cheekbones when he shaves

>Pet the DOG again 

>(Breathe heavily and scuttle away like a crab on the shore)

 

Player 3:

Hope to see you around!

 

Player 5:

PET THE DOG

Neptune deserves alll the pets

 

Player 3: 

He does

Say goodbye and then pet doggo

 

Bird Lord:
"I hope I'll see you around later!" you tell BILLY. At the same time, NEPTUNE walks up to you and you simultaneously PET HIM. BILLY admires your LOVE OF ANIMALS and gives you a SMILE. You cherish this. 

GIBSON RELATIONSHIP +1

NEPTUNE'S BLESSING INCREASES

 

Bird Lord:

It is now time to go on deck to meet the OTHER OFFICERS. You did not go to the ORLOP so you are stuck carrying around your stuff and looking like a COMPLETE MORON. Your AESTHETIC goes DOWN. You go to the deck and stand with the other ABs while MISTER LANE takes muster.

You introduce yourself as ROBERT FUCKS. MISTER LANE says he likes that name and has a cousin named EDWIN FUCKS. Perhaps you're related?

There are other OFFICERS onboard. You see the GRIZZLED CAPTAIN, the COOL UNCLE ICE MASTER, and the THREE LIEUTENANTS. Who do you focus on?

 

Player 6:
ICE MASTER

 

Bird Lord:

You look at the ICE MASTER. His name is THOMAS BLANKY and when he sees you, he gives you a WINK that makes you feel like it's CHRISTMAS again and you are NINE YEARS OLD and your UNCLE sneaks you a sip of his QUESTIONABLE ALCOHOL. You feel that you could easily befriend this man.

Would you like to look at anyone else?

 

Player 3:

Grizzled captain!

 

Bird Lord:

You look at the GRIZZLED CAPTAIN. His name is FRANCIS RAWDON MOIRA CROZIER and he is TERRIBLY IRISH. You think he looks at you, but he could also be looking at the SCRAWNY MAN behind you. It's hard to tell. However, you think that CROZIER looks like an interesting man. Also, you think he has the mien of a man who NO ONE LISTENS TO DESPITE HIS GOOD IDEAS. Perhaps you will tell him this later.

 

Player 5:

Let’s hug him

 

Bird Lord:

You cannot HUG THE CAPTAIN. You are in muster right now and you will probably get lashed for that.

 

Player 6:

salute him

 

Bird Lord:

You SALUTE the CAPTAIN. He wonders why you're doing that in the middle of muster.

He thinks you have SPIRIT but are a little CONFUSED.

Muster finishes up and the ship gets ready to leave for REACHES UNKNOWN. You say your last goodbyes to the shores of England and hope to see it again someday, but as an experienced sailor rather than just little ROBERT FUCKS. What wonderful things does this journey have in store?

 

A snappy musical opening plays as the title HEART OF ICE: A FRANKLIN EXPEDITION DATING SIM fades in over shots of ICE and MORE ICE.

The SNAPPY ROMANTIC OPENING is still playing.

It's TERRIBLY LONG.

 

Player 3:

Fast forward a bit

 

Player 5:

Press start to pass

 

Bird Lord:

It may be because the GREAT COSMIC WRITER is getting their COFFEE.

Patch notes:

+Command list

+Dating candidate profiles

+Developer's notes

+Soundtrack in progress

-Removed herobrine

 

Player 3:

And put ketchup in the coffee

 

Bird Lord:

The GCW thinks that's PRETTY NASTY.

Please enjoy some more nice WAITING MUSIC while the GCW imbibes.