I woke up dazed and confused.
That could be the title of my biography honestly.
I rustled in the sheets, and damn, not a bad way to start with a severe hangover. Jesus, what time did I stay up until last night? I must have been drinking pretty hard if I hardly remembered anything. All I could think of was a faint flashing light and...
My breath hitched. James.
I rolled over in my bed, my heart dropping in my chest. Did I really see him last night? Or was I still drunk? And my god, I have never missed anyone as much as I missed James, but I had kissed him. And I had probably repulsed him for centuries to come, and now my mother would find out that I kissed a guy. Great. So, recap, I was falling head over heels for a guy to get a confession from the love of his life so he could stop throwing up flowers. I chuckled bitterly, my eyes not yet open. What a situation.
But I didn't regret kissing James. That's one thing in my life I didn't regret, one thing that I didn't lie awake at night and wish I could change everything.
What if James hated me now? I knew he was in love with someone else, damn it, and I kissed him anyway! I was such a horrible person, ruining people I care about left and right, then trying to drink myself into oblivion. I didn't want James to hate me, I was such a damn prick, kissing and then running from him? What was I thinking? My mother would be so disappointed with me, disgusted by what I had done. I was a cheater, ruining other relationships, and I kissed a boy, all in the same ten seconds. To my family, nothing was worse.
"Thomas?" A soft, angelic voice interrupted my thoughts. Had I actually drank myself into the afterlife? "Thomas, you up?"
"Am I dead?" I groaned out loud, rubbing my eyes.
"Nah, I made sure that you're alright, and still breathing." A small laugh. "I won't charge you extra."
I finally opened my eyes, immediately landing on the chuckling angel the pretty voice belonged to. James was sitting on the edge of my bed, a grin on his lips as I slowly came to. The room spun as I tried to sit up in bed, only to be ushered back down by James' surprising strength.
"Nope," he said, that same smile on his face. Damn, here he was. The adorable little man that had seen the absolute worst of me, and was still sitting here, and I knew he was real. I felt his hand, so at least I wasn't hallucinating. I had so much to say to him, so much to apologize for, and then thank him even more. I tried to speak, only to let out gasping words, my tongue feeling heavy and misplaced in my mouth. "Thomas, no, it's alright. I've got you, you don't gotta get up. Here, I have a glass of water and aspirin..."
"James," I finally managed as his warm eyes rested on me as if he wasn't angry for everything I've fucked up. I felt like I should be getting yelled at right now, should be being threatened. Why wasn't I being scolded right now? "J-James, why aren't you mad at me? I fucked up."
His gaze fell to the floor, but then back up to my own. "We all do that sometimes Thomas." My heart thumped in my chest as he smiled sheepishly. "I really couldn't be mad at you. Well actually-"
I managed a weak grin. "Even if I fuck up even bigger than I already have?"
"Come on, Thomas," he smiled, giving me gentle nudge. "You know I don't get mad easily. Don't press those limits though."
I laughed, even though it turned into an angry cough as James frowned. "But James- I've been really wanting to talk to you. And f-fuck, I'm so sorry. I know, I shouldn't have avoided you or anything like that, I shouldn't have kissed you either. It was s-stupid of me, and I'm sorry. It won't happen again, and I'm sorry, seriously Jems. I suck. I hope I didn't make you feel weird or anythin' and I feel like I can't apologize enough, or often enough either, so I'm sorry."
I ducked my head down, ashamed. I couldn't believe I had been that reckless. Sure, I'm an impulsive guy, but damn, kissing people who were dating someone to save their life? I didn't know if James had told Aaron about it, I was crossing my fingers that he didn't say anything. But I was forever in debt to James, he could tell the world and I'd be okay with it. I took in a heavy breath, sitting up on my pillow, still unable to meet James' eyes. He hated me now, I was sure of it.
But instead, I was greeted by warm arms wrapping around me. James was hugging me. A real live person was hugging me, and it was so oddly intimate- I basically melted into it. Was I touch-starved? Oh yes, absolutely. But heat flooded into my heart, and I leaned into him.
"I don't like seeing you like this Thomas," he said gently. When had he gotten so sweet? Nevertheless, he was the best. I needed to stop thinking like this, it was a bad idea. For both of us. "Here, it's Sunday and both of us could use a day off."
I chuckled softly as he pulled away, and my body immediately protested from lack of... Him. "Damn right." He watched me with a calculating gaze, and I cracked a smirk to avoid talking about my stupid feelings anymore. "Now, where's that aspirin you were talkin' about?"
"There he is!" He chuckled, reaching for the medicine with a small grin. "You should shower this morning, I think you'd feel better Thomas."
"Are you saying that I smell?" I laughed, sliding out from between the sheets as I realized I had been sleeping in James' bed all along. Burr would not like that- damn it! I told myself, no more thoughts like that.
"Not denyin' it!" He exclaimed, helping me get to the bathroom so I didn't face-plant into the ground. "I feel like a housemaid to an old man, do you need a cane?"
"With the state I'm in? Yep! But I'll use your shortness instead, plus it's free," I teased, James, swatting at my shoulder as he gently set me down on the rim of the bathtub.
"I'll be outside if you need anything, I'll let you take the aspirin after in case you throw up or anythin' Thomas," he said, taking a step away before I found myself calling out for him.
"Hmm?" James spun, my face on fire. Fantastic, there are those good old abandonment issues. How was I supposed to ask him to stay with me? I was about to shower for God's sake! "You okay Thomas?"
"Oh, er, sorry. Thought you had somethin' on your back, that's all. You're good, go get some rest Jems." I turned away from him, hoping he wasn't seeing right through my awkward lie to distract the fact that I wanted him to stay. While I was showering? God, I was so creepy, wasn't I? "I'm good. Thank you Jems, for everything."
"Of course Thomas," he murmured, a small smile sat on his features as he shut the door. He was in such a good mood, and it was quite cute to see.
I turned the water on, letting it heat up as I stared down the reflection in the mirror. Yuck. My eyes were tired and bloodshot from wailing my eyes out for the past few days. A hot shower was what I needed. Thankfully I had been drunk so much in my life, nausea and throwing up wasn't as bad. Was that a good thing, really? Even so, that doesn't mean I didn't throw the contents of my stomach up before getting in the shower.
I shivered as I stripped off my clothes, then disappeared into the warm water. Finally, I'd feel clean again. My throat felt raw from throwing up just once, I couldn't imagine what James was going through with those damn flowers. Poor thing, Burr should confess already! Who wouldn't love James? I didn't want him to be in so much pain anymore, sure the entire thing would break my heart, but damn! James! I wanted him to be okay. He deserved that.
I scrubbed the dried sweat off my skin, debating whether or not to do a full treatment of my extra curly hair again. I hadn't done it in a bit, and it's Sunday too. Free day! I chuckled, stepping completely under the water that was burning hot to some, to clean my hair. I wondered what temperatures James took in his showers. Goddamn! The thoughts were back, of course, they were!
I sighed loudly, stepping out of the shower after a lengthy shower, my skin soft for once. I took in a sharp breath, a small smile appearing on my lips. This was always great. I pulled on a pair of jeans- the weather was getting cold- and hesitated as I ran my fingers over the scar from my childhood.
My heart dropped, glaring at it with venom. Hatred bloomed from the wound besides pain, I should have never let my guard down for this to be done to me. But James' fingers were so nice along my skin, gah, I was truly the worst wasn't I? I stretched, yawning as I decided against the shirt and washed my face again.
"James!" I exclaimed, already opening the cabinet for our weekly routines. "Can you do my hair?"
I heard a loud sudden laugh, and I opened the door to a curious- and grinning- James. "We haven't done this in almost two weeks, dang, do you got all the products?"
I smirked, grabbing multiple tubes of moisturizer from the top shelf, anti-frizz cans, all that jazz. "Always. I've missed this, and you Jems." It was completely true, no flirty undertone. What a surprise. "Seriously, I've missed-" I took a seat on the edge of the tub, James grabbing my products- "all of this."
"Dork," he chuckled softly, and I closed my eyes as he gently cleaned up my hair. "Can't believe you and your big hair take up seventy-five percent of the bathroom cabinet. There's no way I rather have it honestly, cause then it's pretty easy to steal moisturizer from you."
"Hey!" I exclaimed, spinning my head around but then turned around by James' warm hand. "Do you do that Jems? 'Cause if you do, we're going to have some issues."
"Thomas," James chuckled, giving the back of my neck a brief squeeze and I let out a surprised yelp. That was one of his little quirks, lots of poking in my most sensitive spots. Also, that's what she said. "That's what you get! Next time I'll poke you in the side, and then you'll really pay."
I laughed, grinning from ear to ear. James never poked me in my side with the scar, always keeping a close eye on it ever since he found out. He was such a sweetheart, gah! He's claimed my heart by doing my hair perfectly every single time and poking me in the side. I smiled to myself, everything he did seemed to drag me deeper.
"Speaking of your side," James murmured, focused on my hair. Having curly hair had its perks, but damn, the stuff I had to buy to deal with it. "How's your... Scar doing, Thomas?"
"Feelin' better actually," I said. It was the truth. I found out that putting a bandage on it so I don't scratch it actually helped! Wow! "Thanks for the bandaid, you're the best."
"I kind of am, aren't I?" He teased softly, petting my hair in that way he did when he taunted me. God, he was so cute.
"And you know what would make you the best-est?"
"If you bought pizza later."
He poked my side and I let out a startled shout, glaring up at the grinning man. "What was that for Jems? I thought you were the best."
"I already know that I am, you dork!" He laughed, even harder like I had seen before.
His eyes shown with the light in the bathroom, my face warm as he teased me. His playful banter that I loved so much. I hadn't even thought about the message that I received yesterday that sent me into my drunken spiral, the one that made me feel hopeless. James was the one who helped, every single time. And you know what? He really was the best. Maybe he would never like me in the way I wanted, maybe he'd love Burr forever, but you know what?
I inhaled a shuddering breath.
As long as he was happy, that would be enough.