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14 Reasons Why Richie Tozier and His Husband Are #relationshipgoals

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14 Reasons Why Richie Tozier and His Husband Are #relationshipgoals

Get yourself a man who looks at you like Richie Tozier looks at Eddie.

Robin H (Buzzfeed Staff), November 11, 2021

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1. We all want a husband that reminds us to pick up milk via Tweet. Let’s be real here. 

milk

 

2. They hold hands all. the. time. Run into Richie and Eddie at the grocery store? Handholding. The park? Holding hands. Hanging out at IKEA? Hand. Holding. 

[Picture of Richie and Eddie holding hands while standing in front of a few watermelons.]

3. Do we live for supportive husbands? Yes. Yes we do.

[Gifset of six images, Richie and Eddie at the 2020 Emmy’s. Dialogue transcribed]

(Offscreen) Interviewer: How does it feel, being with your husband at the Emmy’s?

Richie, an arm around Eddie’s waist: It’s, uh, it’s good. It’s great. I’m happy he’s here.

Interviewer: It’s your second nomination, do you think you’ve got a shot at winning?

Richie: I hope so! I’ve got my lucky charm with me!

[Third gif is Eddie laughing, and pressing a kiss to Richie’s cheek]

Interviewer, to Eddie: Do you think he’ll win?

Eddie: If he doesn’t, he’s sleeping on the couch. [Laughing] I’m kidding. I’m supposed to say something cheesy now, right?

Interviewer: If you want

Eddie: Well, [to Richie], baby, you’re always a winner in my heart

[They share another kiss]

Interviewer: Aw, that’s sweet. Good luck tonight, Richie!

Richie: Thank you! And thank you to my husband, of course. [he winks]

4. Their cat is the cutest. No competition. (Sorry Richie.) 

insta cat

5. We can’t leave out Richie’s coming out Tweet, because by now, it’s a classic. 

richie comes out

6. Eddie actually calls Richie Trashmouth. Apparently it’s a thing he used to do when they were kids. He does it affectionately, though. No hard feelings there. (Except for the ones that matter, of course ;))

7. We love supportive husbands 2.0: we didn’t know this until 2019, but apparently Eddie is a Rage Machine. Somebody take Twitter away from him. (Actually, don’t, this is far too entertaining, and if someone’s gotta defend the Trashmouth, it’s his husband.)

tape

8. If you haven’t seen this pic yet of Eddie carrying Richie bridal style – have you been living under a rock?

[Picture of Eddie carrying Richie, Richie with an arm around Eddie’s neck, whispering something in his ear]

9. Okay, okay, we know this technically isn’t a #relationshipgoals reason, but Eddie not knowing internet lingo is adorable, and you can’t tell us otherwise. 

eddie stan v2

10. We don’t want to toot our own horn, but this video of Eddie and Richie taking the Relationship Test is absurdly adorable

[VIDEO: RICHIE & EDDIE TOZIER TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP TEST 14:29]

TRANSCRIPT:

RICHIE: So we got roped into this—

EDDIE: You got roped into this and then blackmailed me—

RICHIE: With cuddles! Eds, what will they think?

EDDIE: I don’t even need to say anything to make them think shit—can I say shit? Fuck.

RICHIE: [snorts] You can now. Oh yeah, this the is love of my life, Eddie Tozier – I love saying that, you know?

EDDIE: I know.

RICHIE: And I’m Richie Tozier, comedian extraordinaire

EDDIE: I wouldn’t say that – do you know how ordinary dick jokes are? Because they are

RICHIE: Thanks for the vote of confidence, babe. Anyway, we’re here to do the relationship test! Because that’s what you do when you’re famous, apparently. You go on Buzzfeed and do quizzes live on camera that you’d otherwise do in bed with a bag of chips

EDDIE: You can’t eat in bed, that’s disgusting

RICHIE: [laughing] I think we’re supposed to stop wasting their time and actually do the test. [clears throat] So! Your birthday! I totally know that.

EDDIE: You totally don’t have it in your phone calendar

RICHIE: No! It’s in November! The eleventh, to be exact!

EDDIE: Congrats! [slow clap] Yours is March 7.

RICHIE: That was easy, my birthday was last week

EDDIE: Makes the next question easy, too: you’re 45 now, Tozier.

RICHIE: Yeah, yeah, rub it in. You know what they say, you’re only as old as you dress!

EDDIE: So, pre-teen?

RICHIE: Jesus. He’s 44, by the way, but he acts more like he’s 84. Dresses like it too.

EDDIE: Let’s not pretend you don’t think my old man clothes are hot.

RICHIE: I like to take them off

EDDIE: Is this video supposed to be family friendly?

RICHIE: If they’re old enough to watch my stand-up, they can watch this. Oh, I like this one! What’s your sign.

EDDIE: Can we skip this question?

RICHIE: Nope. You’re a Scorpio, by the way

EDDIE: How the hell do you know that?

RICHIE: And I’m a Pisces.

EDDIE: Jesus

RICHIE: No, Pisces

EDDIE: [laughing] Fuck off. Let’s do the next one. What’s my middle name?

RICHIE: Frank!

EDDIE: We both have our father’s first names as our middle names. His is Wentworth.

RICHIE: Works great in bed when you want to call me da—

EDDIE: [slaps hand over Richie’s mouth] Not going there. Parents names. Well, we already did two. Your mom is Mags. Maggie. Can we skip my mother?

RICHIE: I love your mother

EDDIE: You love to hate her

RICHIE: True. Eddie’s mother from henceforth shall be known as ‘She Who Will Not Be Named’ Kaspbrak.

EDDIE: I agree. Ha, we don’t even have to do the next question. We don’t have siblings.

RICHIE: Did you forget about my sister?

EDDIE: You don’t have a sister, Rich

RICHIE: But what if I did?

EDDIE: You don’t. Okay, skip next question, not relevant, and—[snorts] Name of first pet

RICHIE: Oh, that’s easy. We didn’t get our first pet until we started living together. Our cat, Pringle

EDDIE: She came with that name

RICHIE: She’s so cute – but not as cute as you

EDDIE: Okay. So, that’s our current pet—

RICHIE: You’re determined to go through this list as fast as you can, aren’t you?

EDDIE: That’s not a crime. Okay, your favorite movie—

RICHIE: If you don’t know this I’m breaking up with you

EDDIE: The Breakfast Club

RICHIE: I’m filing for divorce [he starts getting up, Eddie pulls him down] No, you’re right. It is. Your favorite is, uh—

EDDIE: You were just threatening to divorce me over not knowing!

RICHIE: Shut up, you have a different favorite every week

EDDIE: No I don’t.

RICHIE: Well in that case. Dirty Dancing. [smirks]

EDDIE: Patrick Swayze was hot, okay?

RICHIE: I’m not saying anything

EDDIE: I could hear you thinking it

RICHIE: And the rest of your favorite whatevers are The Office, Simple Minds, you love breakfast foods—

EDDIE: Can we do this in order?

RICHIE: Yeah, okay.

EDDIE: You like It’s Always Sunny

RICHIE: Yup

EDDIE: It’s because you’re a dick

RICHIE: You like my dick

EDDIE: That’s not what I said. [pause] You like The Clash

RICHIE: I do. Not my favorite, though

EDDIE: Uh. Really? [Richie nods] The Cure?

RICHIE: Same as before. Do you even know me, Eds?

EDDIE: Fine. Bowie.

RICHIE: Boom. Got it in three. What’s my favorite book, though?

EDDIE: Do you even read? [Richie looks offended, Eddie laughs] No, you like The Outsiders

RICHIE: It’s because they’re gay. Gay! Your favorite is Maurice

EDDIE: Also gay.

RICHIE: Surprisingly

EDDIE: Your favorite food is Doritos

RICHIE: Stop exposing me

EDDIE: Stop dragging me on weird quizzes then. Your least favorite food is broccoli. Unsurprisingly.

RICHIE: What’s that supposed to mean?

EDDIE: It’s a vegetable

RICHIE: Your least favorite is like, liver. Or something.

EDDIE: Liver is actually disgusting. I think you like pretty much anything on pizza. Except tuna. And broccoli.

RICHIE: I’ll eat anything if it’s on a pizza. You like pineapple. Weirdly enough.

EDDIE: It tastes good

RICHIE: Some people will cancel you now

EDDIE: I’m not married to ‘some people’ [he makes quotation marks with his fingers] I’m married to you [he leans over and kisses Richie; crew ‘aww’s in the background]

RICHIE: [clears throat] Yeah, so. Eddie is a weirdo that doesn’t drink soda.

EDDIE: That amount of sugar is bad for your teeth.

RICHIE: Yet your favorite alcoholic drink is sugary bullshit

EDDIE: [blushes] I don’t drink that often

RICHIE: We know what happens when you do

EDDIE: Let’s not talk about that. You drink too much soda. You’ll drink anything, probably. And you like whiskey. I don’t know what kind. I’m not good at that. [whispers] I always have to ask Ben for help.

RICHIE: [grinning] I know. This next question is too easy, though. We’re sitting next to each other. I can see his eyes are brown.

EDDIE: And yours are blue.

RICHIE: Let’s skip the next question

EDDIE: [glances at the screen] Yeah. I don’t want to talk about where we grew up.

RICHIE: All you need to know is that we grew up together. [he winks exaggeratedly]

EDDIE: What is it with these questions? Obviously people will already know we’re cat gays.

RICHIE: Did you seriously say cat gays?

EDDIE: Yeah. [clears throat] Your best friend is Stan.

RICHIE: No, it’s you

EDDIE: It’s Stan

RICHIE: Can’t it be both?

EDDIE: No.

RICHIE: Wait, does this mean I’m not your best friend?

EDDIE: It’s Bill.

RICHIE: I feel betrayed.

EDDIE: We’re married. I wouldn’t marry Bill. Get over it.

RICHIE: You take your coffee black. Like your soul.

EDDIE: Don’t be a drama queen. You know how I feel for about sugar—

RICHIE: Yeah, yeah, it’ll rot my teeth right out of my head

EDDIE: Exactly

RICHIE: Says the guy who loves pancakes for breakfast

EDDIE: Shut up. That shit you drink doesn’t even qualify as coffee anymore.

RICHIE: I’m skipping this question because it’s stupid

EDDIE: You just wanted to get to ‘what’s your favorite sexual position’

RICHIE: I am but a simple man

EDDIE: In bed and out

RICHIE: You can’t say that on camera

EDDIE: Not even when it’s true? [smiles] You like looking at me. Especially when I—[he leans over and whispers something in Richie’s ear, who blushes]

RICHIE: Uh, yeah, that’s—that’s true. You, um. [he grabs the laptop, and nearly throws it off the table] Ah, fuck

EDDIE: [laughs] Did I make you nervous?

RICHIE: [serious] Yes

EDDIE: Okay. How about you tell me later what my favorite position is. [he winks at the camera] Because the next question is easy. You’re already doing your dream job.

RICHIE: Yeah, yeah! It’s great.

EDDIE: You’re not very good at it, but you’re doing it

RICHIE: What’s that supposed to mean?

EDDIE: Well, you’re not John Mulaney

RICHIE: Obviously. Aren’t you supposed to support me, as my husband?

EDDIE: I support you in all your endeavours

RICHIE: But you think I suck?

EDDIE: No, you are good at it. It’s obvious it’s your dream job. Just don’t let other people write your material anymore. Then you suck.

RICHIE: Thanks babe. Uh, I don’t know about your dream job, but I’m pretty sure being a risk analyst is not it.

EDDIE: I like numbers

RICHIE: You’re a weirdo

EDDIE: But no, it’s not my dream job

RICHIE: I knew that. So. [he scratches his beard] I don’t know, you know what I always thought? That you were gonna be a doctor or some shit

EDDIE: I don’t like blood

RICHIE: Are you kidding me? You might not like it but you’re the first one on the scene. So to speak. Remember when I had that nosebleed in December?

EDDIE: Oh. Yeah. [grimaces] It looked like we murdered somebody in our bathroom

RICHIE: But you were a badass. Your hands were like, covered in blood, but you were still all over me, telling me what to do, holding up tissues to my nose. [he shrugs] I could see you as a doctor

EDDIE: [laughs] Okay. Oh, we’ve got worst job in common

RICHIE: Retail

EDDIE: [nods] Retail

RICHIE: [stares at list] I’m sorry if this is too stereotypical, but I know nothing about sports.

EDDIE: Next question?

RICHIE: Oh, that’s a good one. [smirks] You have zero allergies

EDDIE: Yeah, yeah. [rolls eyes] You’re allergic to some types of fabric softener.

RICHIE: Can we skip the next one too?

EDDIE: Why? Cause you don’t want the internet to know about your crush on Tom Selleck?

RICHIE: Oh my God

EDDIE: Yeah we can skip it. And yes, he can roll his tongue.

RICHIE: So can he. [glances at list] I swear this list was made to embarrass me

EDDIE: That’s because the answer is me. I was your first love. And your last, I hope.

RICHIE: Me too. [clears throat] Uh. Was I your first, too? Or is it like, Bill? I hope it’s not Bill

EDDIE: [laughs] It’s not Bill

RICHIE: Stan?

EDDIE: Are you going to list all our friends from middle school?

RICHIE: Mike?

EDDIE: No, it was you

RICHIE: Oh thank God. If you’d said Ben I would’ve died. At his hands. [to the camera] Ben is so hot it’s unfair.

EDDIE: Ben is hot. [nods] You technically don’t have any co-workers, so?

RICHIE: I don’t think you like any of yours

EDDIE: You can’t say that on the internet

RICHIE: Not even if it’s true? [smirks] Eddie is a leftie, by the way, but he’s pretty ambidextrous. By training.

EDDIE: You’re right-handed

RICHIE: That I am. Oh, man, you have so many nicknames. Do I have to list them all?

EDDIE: No.

RICHIE: I’m going to—

EDDIE: No! [to camera] We’re skipping this question

RICHIE: Okay, fine, fine. Eds.

EDDIE: Jesus Christ.

RICHIE: You call me that in bed sometimes. Does that count as a nickname?

EDDIE: [gets up] I’m leaving

RICHIE: I’ll stop! I promise!

EDDIE: I hate you

RICHIE: Great! Also, uh, both your parents are like… dead. So.

EDDIE: Yeah. Yours are retired.

RICHIE: My dad would still be peering into people’s mouths if it weren’t for my mother [to viewers] he used to be a dentist.

EDDIE: Never mine, thank God

RICHIE: Let’s not go into that. [peers at list] Can we skip the school questions?

EDDIE: I say aye. The one after that, too.

RICHIE: We both know your biggest fear is dirt

EDDIE: Not dirt. Bacteria. That’s also why I wouldn’t have made a good doctor

RICHIE: We both know you’re over it by now. I mean, you leave dishes in the sink sometimes!

EDDIE: That was once!

RICHIE: I’m proud of you

EDDIE: Thanks? [Richie pecks his cheek] Do you… I don’t have to answer for you, if you don’t want me to

RICHIE: [softly smiles] Go ahead

EDDIE: Cause you were… I mean, you were scared of coming out

RICHIE: Not anymore. [kisses Eddie again]

EDDIE: Does this mean your biggest fear is like, spiders now?

RICHIE: I hate spiders [they both shudder simultaneously] Also, we graduated high school together. In 94. God, we’re old.

EDDIE: [shrugs]

RICHIE: And you graduated college in 98.

EDDIE: So did you.

RICHIE: Surprise, I went to college!

EDDIE: That’s not that much of a surprise, when you think about it. You were the top of our class.

RICHIE: Don’t remind me.

EDDIE: You’re smart. Don’t undersell yourself

RICHIE: Says the business degree to the English lit degree

EDDIE: At least you enjoyed college. [they stare at each other for a moment, Eddie clears his throat] You, uh. Actually, I have no idea whether you like camping or not.

RICHIE: [shrugs] Ambivalent about it. You’d hate it though.

EDDIE: Probably

RICHIE: Your favorite ice cream flavor is, wait for it, mint

EDDIE: Mint chocolate chip

RICHIE: Same thing

EDDIE: Yours is like… cookies and cream

RICHIE: I’d say you hate cones, but you don’t

EDDIE: Cups are a waste of paper

RICHIE: Yowza

EDDIE: You like cones, too

RICHIE: That I do. [glances at list] Okay, hear me out: Eddie likes spicy food. He thinks he doesn’t, but he actually does

EDDIE: What?

RICHIE: You’re the one ordering Thai food, not me

EDDIE: I do that for you!

RICHIE: What?

EDDIE: What?

RICHIE: …so you don’t like spicy food?

EDDIE: Sometimes. But I know you do. [smiles]

RICHIE: [sighs deeply] I love my man

EDDIE: I hope so. We’re nearly done with the list!

RICHIE: That took a long time. Oh, this one’s easy, too: neither of us are vegetarian or vegan. We eat it, but not like, permanently

EDDIE: Next question: Richie likes both cake and pie.

RICHIE: So do you. I think you prefer pie?

EDDIE: Depends on the cake, I guess?

RICHIE: I like the next one: Eddie one hundred percent needs the sheets to be tucked in. He can’t sleep if they’re not. He does it every single night, too

EDDIE: You’re a messy sleeper. [to camera] He doesn’t care if it’s tucked in or not

RICHIE: By the way, I guess you can swear.

EDDIE: Fuck, really?

RICHIE: That’s his favorite swear, by the way

EDDIE: His, too

RICHIE: We should’ve named our cat fuck

EDDIE: No!

RICHIE: Think of how funny it’d be though!

EDDIE: You think putting chopsticks up your nose is funny

RICHIE: It is

EDDIE: I married a child

RICHIE: You love me

EDDIE: [pause] Yeah

RICHIE: Also, Eddie’s number is [censored]! He told me to memorize it!

EDDIE: That’s the final question? Richie’s is [censored]. [smiles] I hope we’re not getting prank called after this

RICHIE: It’d be funny

EDDIE: As funny as calling our cat fuck

RICHIE: FUCK, COME HERE

EDDIE: Oh my God

[END VIDEO]

11. If there’s anyone who can pull off wearing Richie Tozier’s merchandise unironically, it’s his husband.

[Picture of Eddie Tozier wearing a black t-shirt with trashmouth in white lettering.]

12. As comedians (apparently) do, they don’t announce a wedding date, no, they just announce when they get married. (We’re still hoping for cute wedding pictures, but alas!)

wedding

13. Richie Tozier has a billion nicknames for Eddie. The babe, above? Just the tip of the iceberg. In no particular order, we’ve seen Eds, Eddie Spaghetti, Spaghetti Man, Eduardo, Edward, even Edward Spaghedward (we asked Richie for the spelling, of course), and that’s just the variations on Eddie’s name. If we see Richie call Eddie honeybun in public one more time, we will melt. (PS. Eddie says he minds, but this tweet disputes it all.)

spaghetti

14. Richie talks about his husband very, very often during his routines, but according to us, this is the absolute cutest of them all

[Video: RICHIE TOZIER TALKS ABOUT MARRIAGE PROPOSAL 6:43]

Transcript:

RICHIE: And I had this whole plan, you know. Do something super romantic, including flower petals, lit candles, too many roses to fit into any vase we don’t have – surprisingly, no one’s ever gifted us a vase before. [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES] I know, isn’t that like, one of the first things you give a newly gay couple? A vase? Yeah, so, I planned this shit out. Ordered flowers, even got out the bunting – I had to borrow it from a neighbor and it spelled out ‘CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY’ but it’s the thought that counts, right?

RICHIE: So, I wait for Eddie to come home, doll myself up, cause that’s what you do before you propose to someone – look, it wasn’t as if I’d ever done it before, and the only guidelines I had were my friend Bev telling me to get over myself and about a hundred YouTube wedding proposals that all seem to insist on breaking out in dance. Those are cute and all, but Eds would probably have broken up with me if I tried that because I have two left feet and a propensity for destroying shit with my flailing arms when I dance. Although Eddie doesn’t call it dancing. He says it’s more of an… Imitation of a guy being electrocuted while trying to do the macarena at the same time. And I know you all just tried to imagine that. Not pretty, right? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] So, I skipped the dancing.

RICHIE: The thing is… You see, the thing with Eddie is that he’s unpredictable. You think you’ve got his rituals and habits down pat, and then, wham! He’ll do something completely unexpected. Such was the case here. You know where this is going, don’t you? [SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER] Yeah, yeah, I know. I totally should’ve seen it coming, too. After all, I’m the one that wanted to marry him. What do you guys know? [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES] Let’s not go into that.

RICHIE: So, Eddie comes in, dressed all fancy, and he’s like, “Baby, I’ve got a surprise for you.” And I was like, “Woah, babe, me too!” And he comes in, and he looks at all my beautifully arranged candles, and he’s suddenly frowning and going, “Richie, candles are a fire hazard! Do you know how many homes burn down every year because of unwatched candles?!” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I swear, if he didn’t do that all the time, I would’ve been so confused. Normal people are like ‘Wow, that’s so romantic!’ Eddie, though, he’s all ‘I’m going to blow out these candles because these curtains cost a fortune’. Very hot, let me tell you that.

RICHIE: By the time he’s done with the candles, he’s finally paying attention to me. I made a fancy dinner, and he’s looking at the table, and he looks at me, and I get this sense of dread in my stomach. Like he’s about to say something horrible. “Richie,” he says, “you know I had a work dinner today, right?” And me, being incapable of even remembering to take out the trash if Eddie hadn’t programmed the schedule into my phone, obviously did not know this. [MILD AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] So I said, of course, “No, Eds, this is a dinner for me and your mom,” because that’s a thing you say to your boyfriend right before you’re about to propose, that you want to wine and dine his very dead mother. [AUDIENCE GIGGLES]

RICHIE: So, as you can tell, my entire plan was a bit of a disaster. I had no more candles, I’d wasted the entire night cooking a dinner my fabulous partner wasn’t going to eat, and now I’d also upset him by implying I wanted to fuck his mom. But at least I still had the ring, right? I could still get down on one knee and ask anyway, because that’s the kind of stupid shit I am. So I’m about to do just that, go down on one knee, when the doorbell rings. At nine at night. Look, I don’t know about you guys, but when you’re past the age of forty, you tell people when you’re about to visit them at an ungodly hour. We have bedtimes now, people. So, the doorbell rings, and Eddie is like, “Aren’t you going to get that?” and I’m all annoyed, because this is ruining all of my plans. I stomp over to the door, open it and there’s this—this guy. I’d say the first thing I notice about him was his funky purple hat, but I didn’t, because as soon as I opened the door he thrust a bouquet of roses into my arms.

RICHIE: I’m not kidding when I say that bouquet was bigger than my torso. It was. So I sorta… held onto it, turned around and—remember how I said Eds completely takes me by surprise sometimes? Yeah. I turn around, and he was there on one knee, smiling at me. Obviously I was like, “What the fuck?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] No, I’m serious! I spent all this time preparing a romantic dinner, and he just one-ups me! In my own home! How dare he! [MORE LAUGHTER]

RICHIE: So, Eddie gives a speech, which I’m not going to repeat here because the last thing I want is to cry on stage and for it to end up on YouTube. We all know what happened the last time I had a breakdown in front of a live audience. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] So, yeah. Eddie asks, “Do you wanna marry me?” And I say, “I wanna marry you so bad I bought my own ring!”

[AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS]

RICHIE: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I ended up engaged.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]