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Protons, Neurons, Electrons, and Morons

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Scientists are never off duty. Jennifer Hailey mused to herself as she dragged her tired ass into the lab at 5 AM. She had been doing a project with a classmate trying to find some workaround to eliminate the need for fossil fuels and nuclear reactors. They only needed a workable theory with some possible scenarios for implementation in order to fulfill the assignment, but her partner on this assignment - one Rodney McKay - was a real wackjob who was in some huge rush to get his name on an award-winning paper.

Rodney was more than just a wackjob though. He was a grade A stuck-up asshat. He was always whining about how people “stole his idea” and trying to stake a claim on everyone's projects. No one would work with him anymore. So Haley got stuck with him on projects because everyone around her was too soft to be told when they were being idiots. Which was most of the time. So now she had to deal with this misogynistic dick who acted like everything she said was pointless drabble, only to claim her ideas as his own and then wake her up at an ungodly hour because he’d made “a major breakthrough.” The idiot probably just figured out how to use the coffee pot.

“Alright McKay. What was so damn important I had to be woken up at the ass crack of dawn?” Jennifer asked, clutching her coffee close to her mouth.

“Sage!” Rodney exclaimed, eyes flicking between her face and the box of donuts she was carrying.

“Excuse me?”

“Okay hear me out, process out all the oils from sage, then make it into a working fuel!”

“Look Rodney, I know there’s a process to turn vegetable oil into a substitute for diesel, but that doesn’t solve the emissions problem. Not to mention that is actually more expensive than fossil fuels. Is this really what you woke me up for?”

“Well, yeah.”

Jennifer sighed. This was hell. She was actually in hell. She had to be, it was the only explanation. “Instead of waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me your dumbass ideas, why don’t you work on solar like-“

“Are those donuts?” Rodney interrupted.


“Donuts, are those donuts? I’ve been here for hours and I’m gonna go into hypoglycemic shock if I don’t eat something soon. I could really use some gluten. So are those donuts?”

“Yes Rodney, they’re donuts. For me.”

“You’re going to eat all of them? How is that fair!”

“I bought them! Hey!” Jennifer yelled as Rodney plucked the box from her tired hands. “Before you devour my fucking donuts you little asshole, maybe you should ask me what kind they are.”

He looked at her dubiously. “Maple?” He said hopefully, then when she shook her head he tried again. “Fig?”

“Eew Rodney, who would eat fig donuts?”

“What? They’re a very popular flavor in my-“

“Three of the six donuts in that box are lemon McKay.”

As Jennifer spoke the words, Rodney dropped the box onto the floor as though it was toxic and began backing away from it.

“Hey! McKay! What the hell, man!” Jennifer yelled as she picked up the box from the floor, examining the donuts inside.”

“Why would you knowingly bring lemon donuts into this lab! Well good job I won’t be eating any of those donuts since they’re all contaminated. You KNOW I’m deathly allergic to any kind of citrus.”

“Yeah, McKay. That’s why I got lemon for myself so you wouldn’t eat them, and maple for you-wrapped separately so it wouldn’t get contaminated. Good god, I try to be a nice person ONE time.”

“You wrapped them separately?” McKay perked up.

“Excuse me, do you think you’re actually going to get one of them after that tantrum? Hell no, I’ll go back and give the rest to my apartment manager. At least he can appreciate a donut without freaking out it might have some lemon on it.” She picked up her things and began making her way back out of the lab. “And I swear to god, if you ever call me in the middle of the night for a dumbass idea like that, I will personally drop you onto a landmine FILLED with citrus fruit, you understand?”


Jennifer made it back to the complex around 6am. She headed straight for Jack’s apartment to drop off a pile of donuts and was pleased to see Daniel babbling incoherently as he backed out of Jack’s apartment. The two made a cute couple in her opinion.

“Danny, please, can we talk about this at a normal hour? I dunno, say, noon?”

“I’m sorry Jack, it’s just that this is important.”

“I know Danny.” Jack replied soothingly. “How about this, you head on down to Jaffa Jive and pick up some coffee. Then maybe when you come back I’ll be conscious enough to understand a single word your saying.”

Daniel nodded solemnly and turned to head past Jennifer through the front door, smiling at her as he passed, he mumbled a quiet “morning Jenn,” as headed on his way.

“Jenny!” Jack said from his doorway as he noticed her. He was still leaning on the door jam as he’d been when Daniel was talking to him. He had clearly just been woken up as he was still in his Simpsons pajama bottoms and a t-shirt that said “the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.”

“Nice shirt, Jack.” She replied, very much in agreement with the sentiment.

“Oh this? Thanks! It was a gift. So what on earth are you doing heading home at this ungodly hour?”

“Asshat had a bad idea.” She said, closing the distance between them while wondering to herself who would have gotten him that specific shirt as a gift.

“McKay again?” He asked with a sparkle in his eye.

“Every time. I’m just glad he stopped coming by to ask for help just so he could ogle poor Sam. We all know she’s too smart for him.”

“Yes, well. I may have told him to stop bothering my tenants.”

“That’s why this place is the best complex in town Jack! Anyways, Asshat pissed me off so damn much, I wouldn’t let him have his share of the donuts. Maple, you want em?”

“Do I ever! Thanks Jenny!”

“On one condition!”

“What’s that?”

“You never tell Sam I called her smart. It would ruin my reputation, you know? Gotta keep the other idiots on their toes.”

Jack snickered as he took the box. “Sure thing, kiddo.” He replied, laughing again as he closed the door.

“Hey, who you callin’ a kiddo?!” She huffed at the closed door before she turned to stomp back upstairs. Before she reached the first landing however, she heard Jack holler and stopped, rolling her eyes.

“Hey, kiddo!”

“WHAT?” She turned around, glaring at him.

“New Years eve party in the gate room. I’ll even look the other way if you decide to drink champagne.”

“Thanks DAD.” She rolled her eyes, unable to hide her grin as she turned and walked away, not noticing the snickering blonde hiding from view in Jack’s apartment.