Chapter 1: The first encounter.
Beelzebub groaned. Zey had to go up top side to tempt Adam and Eve into eating the Apple. Why did zey? Because while allllll the other demons were getting fancy titles, Beelzebub was stuck with the drags. Hell, the demon to get the title zey wanted- prince of hell- didn’t even want the title, he just got it because he was an Archangel. Annoying prick.
Beelzebub sighed, before turning into one big-ass fly to talk Eve into stealing the Apple.
Beelz had succeeded, and was watching Adam and Eve leave the garden, with growing boredom.
‘Well there goes the only interesting part.’
However, the Angel who was guarding the guardian seemed to have lost something.
‘Where’s that wank-wings sword?’
Beelz flew up to where the Angel was fretting over the humans.
the Angel was startled by the Demon and jumped up a little, appearing to wish to say something, before deciding not to. They settled down and got comfy again.
“Ah hello there, erm, if I may ask, what’s your name?” The Angel asked nervously. “I’m Aziraphale”
Beelz considered Aziraphales long-ass name, and then shook zer head. “Azzzira then, I’m not choking on zzat mouthful. I’m Beelzzlebub but you can call me Beelzzz, everyone else does at least.”
Aziraphale nodded, before looking out silently at the humans for a while longer
Beelzebub wasn’t a big fan of silence.
“Oi, wank-wingz, didn’t you have a flaming sword?”
Aziraphale jumped up at the question “um well- you see- I uh-“
“What did you bloody looze it?” Beelzebub said with a wheezy chuckle.
“Er. Gave it away.” Aziraphale admits, looking a little ashamedly to the side.
Beelzebub was impressed, but also very, very curious. “Why did you go do a thing like that?”
Aziraphale sighed overdramatically, “Oh,, those poor humans just looked so cold. I couldn’t leave them out in the open with nothing! So.. I gave them the sword. I hope I didn’t do the wrong thing.”
“Your an Angel, I highly doubt you can do the wrong thing” Beelzebub said snarkily, voice dripping with sarcasm.
Aziraphale, completely oblivious to the sarcasm, sighs in relief. “Oh thank you that has been bothering me.”
A distant rumble was heard over the horizon, and fat droplets of water started to fall down.
Aziraphale, without even thinking, lifted his wing to protect Beelzebub.
‘Well this is quite odd.’
When was the last time an angel tried to protect zem? Not for a very long time at least.
Chapter 2: Journey through fucking time.
A bit of their travels through time.
backstory time! It’s same soup, just reheated. I shortened all of them a bit, except for my favorites ‘cause I like those scenes a lot. I write my fanfics depending on how much mental energy I’m able to spend on them >:p also it’s partly ‘cause I wanted Beelz in a braid. Also Aziraphale meets Crowley this chapter! Not sure what they get up to completely, but *wolf whistles*
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Beelzebub glared about, seeing all the smelly humans scurry about this ship they were building. Really, zey could care less about that, zey really only came because a small child asked zem if it was ok to braid zer hair, since it was getting so long. Beelzebub agreed, since zey had a soft spot for children. Not for too many of the full grown adults though.
Beelz felt the long plate of hair swish down zer back, enjoying much more than the rats nest of hair zey had before. A little while after Beelzebubs hair got finished, zey heard a bit of yelling from the direction of the ship, so zey might as well check it out.
In the crowd, Beelz saw a familiar shock of white hair.
Aziraphale turned around and saw Beelzebub.
“Ah hello there!” Azira said nervously. “How are you doing?”
“Az well as a demon can I suppose,” Beelz said moodily. “How’d the flaming sword thingy go over?”
“Ah well She’s never actually mentioned it again.” Aziraphale muttered.
“That’s better for your sorry hide I guezz. What’s with the big old tub?”
“Oh, well from what I hear, God’s a bit tetchy at the moment, wiping out humanity, big storm.”
“... all of them?” Beelzebub said incredulously.
“Just the locals… I don’t think She’s upset with the Native Americans, or the Chinese, or the Australians.” Aziraphale says. Although it sounds awfully like making an excuse.
“And She’s not going to wipe out all the locals, I mean Noah, his sons, and their wives… they’re all going to be fine.”
Beelzebub thought about it for a bit. “But She’s drowning everyone else… including the kids?” Zey said, stressing the last word, sounding very stressed.
Aziraphale mumbles something under his breath, something that vaguely sounded like. “‘Fraid so”
“That’s something you’d expect us slimy gross types to do!” Beelz shouted shoutingly as loud as zey could without alerting the humans.
“Oh your not slimy or gross,” Aziraphale said kindly to Beelz, “but when this is all said and done, the Almighty will put up something called a rainbow as a promise not to drown people again.”
“You even sound doubtful of it.”
“You can’t doubt Her plan, it’s-“
Beelz cut him off. “If you say ineffable I’m going to gut you like a fish.” zey muttered angrily.
Crucifixion was a nasty business, and Beelzebub winced as zey saw Christ die upon the cross. Zey knew he’d come back, thanks to Aziraphale, but it was still gross to watch. Zey we’re getting soft from being away from hell for so long.
In Rome, Aziraphale taught Beelz all about the delicious foods and alcohols that exist, and they got mistaken for siblings so often that they stopped denying it.
Maybe earth wasn’t so bad after all.
“Beelz? Is that you under there?” Aziraphale questioned.
“Zzahh… it’z me..”
“Oh dear, it seems like we’ve been canceling each other out little sibling.”
‘Still using that nickname from Rome?’
“Oh I do wish Hamlet would become popular! Gabriel doesn’t want me using non-work related miracles for at least a year though.” Aziraphale fretted.
Beelzebub shrugged “Eh. Whatever. Might as well make up for Rome”
“Oh thank you little sibling” and he really did look grateful.
“No problem big brother”
“You nearly died- and for what? A mediocre pastry??” Beelzebub shouted, clearly upset.
“Well they are the best when they come from France” Azira mumbled quietly, looking guilty.
“Who fucking cares! I’m not gonna lose my brother to some spongy-ass pastry!” Beelzebub grumbled angrily, grabbing Aziraphale from the wrist and dragging him out.
“Can I at least get the pastry I came for?”
“Yeah. Sure. Whatever.”
Beelzebub passed the note to Aziraphale.
“Holy water?? Do you think I’m a fool? It would kill you!! Completely!” Aziraphale whisper-shouted, “I’m not giving you a suicide pill!
“Look, it’s not for me. It’s just for insurance-“
Aziraphale cut zem off. “Absolutely not! I’m not going to let you die! Do you know what Heaven would do to me, would do to you, if they found out we have been... fraternizing?”
“Fraternizing? Is that what you call us going out for lunch? Hanging out? Our whole sibling talk??” Beezlebub said, a glare in zer tone, carefully crafted to hide the anxiety.
‘What if he only deals with me because I’m the only other person on earth who’s as old as him?’
“Of course not! But in the eyes of Heaven-“
“Oh fuck Heaven! Fuck you! I got plenty of other people to ‘FrAteRnIzE’ with!” Beelz said angrily, zer voice wobbling.
Aziraphale was surrounded by Nazis, and was in a bit of a pickle, that he couldn’t get out of.
‘Oh Beelz I’m so sorry I never apologized.’
And then, the ouches, and little hops with the singed smell and sound.
Aziraphale turned his head around, hoping, somewhat, to see Beelzebub. Who he saw instead was definitely not Beelzebub.
‘Hello handsome stranger.’
“Anthony J Crowley, your game proceeds you.” The Nazi said smoothly.
Wondering aloud, Aziraphale asks the question that all of us want to know the answer to. “What does the J stand for?”
The handsome stranger- Crowley- just sorta muttered.. “um.. just a J really.” Hopping around on one foot, he took in a deep, pained breath. “Your Aziraphale right? Beelzebub asked me to check in on you, something about zer ‘dumbass older brother’” -at this point he did air quotations with his fingers- “‘fucking shit up for himself while I’m discorperated.’” Crowley gave Aziraphale a once over, making Aziraphale wish he put a bit more attention into today’s outfit.
“Er yes that’s me.” A warm fuzzy feeling swooped over him when he realized Beelz called him zer older brother. “Beelz is still calling me zer older brother?”
“Ngk yeah. What’s that about anyways? Isn’t some kinda kink thing is it?” Crowley looked vaguely annoyed at this idea.
“Oh God no, we just started calling ourselves siblings and it hasn’t stopped.” Aziraphale said.
Crowley nodded with satisfaction, although satisfaction at what, Aziraphale didn’t know.
The Nazi grumbled. “Oh shut up, this isn’t a social call. Kill them both.”
“You know, in about a minute, a German bomb will drop down on here, if you run, very very fast, you might not die. You won’t enjoy dying, especially with what comes after.”
The Natzi groaned. “You expect us to believe that? The bombs tonight will fall in East End.”
“Well yes, but last minute demonic intervention could derail them from their course, your all wasting precious running away time. It would honestly take a real miracle, for me and Aziraphale to live it through.”
Aziraphale blinked in confusion, before realization dawned over his face, and he prepared the miracle.
The Nazis eye twitched, “kill them both. They’re annoying.”
“Oh dear! The books!” Aziraphale fretted. “They’ll be blown to bits!”
Crowley pulled out a bag from the wreckage, and placed it into Aziraphales hands. “Little demonic miracle of my own.
“Thank you Crowley, would you like to come over to my place for some tea or something?” Aziraphale asked, fluttering his eyelashes.
Beezlebub held the thermos with the holy water gently, as if it was a baby, or a bomb. Bright, multicolored lights filter through the windows of the Baby Blue Bug.
“After everything you said?” Beezlebub said softly.
“Yes, I’m afraid it took me a bit to realize that you weren’t going to hurt yourself with it.” Aziraphale said quietly “just… be careful alright? Don’t use it unless necessary little sibling.”
Beelz nodded. “You got it big brother.”