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Do you know who you are

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The minute I opened my eyes I knew I will regret it, I hated that day already, it was one of my regular boring day, where I do nothing except going to my class, meet my boys, seeing my girlfriend and come back to sleep. Boring.


I looked beside at the empty bed, of course my roommate was not here, he is the most active morning person I have ever met, and he is also my best friend, my childhood friend, and my partner in the crime. I love him no matter what and we support each other during everything.


I looked at my phone that was lying beside me and I found a new text message from my girlfriend z I didn’t have to open it because I already knew what was in it. She was reminding me of the birthday of her best friend who happened to be my friend’s girlfriend. So of course I had no other choices and I had to go.

The door was opened and my roommate entered all sweat and was still hyperventilating, he walked to the fridge at the corner of the room and took a water bottle. He didn’t notice I was awake yet. I was watching him and wondering where he got all that power although of all the things he was going through and he still find the power to do all the morning jogging, all the studies, and the shifts at the vet clinic he love and find time to hang out with us.


“ you are awake? “ he asked sitting on his bed and opening the drawer and put out his medicine

“ I am awake” I was used to watch him having his medication, actually it was a relief to know he always remembers it no matter what, well.. He wasn’t always remembering, but no need to remember what happened last time he forgot.

He took one and put it back and waited few seconds to gain his regular breathing back.

“ do you have classes? “ I asked, and he nodded and then rested on the back of the bed, he put out his phone from his pocket

“ Niall is picking me in fifteen minutes... I have to run”
He jumped on his feet and he walked to the bathroom

“ Louis.. “ he called from inside

“yeah? “ I answered while leaving my bed

Then I heard a thud and I froze

“ Harry? “

When I got no answer I rushed to the bathroom and he was kneeling and picking the cream he dropped, he was shaking and when I got closer I found that he was laughing

“ what the heck?” I almost yelled

He straightened up and looked at me still laughing “ I slipped ... I am sorry”

I sighed in a relief, although I was trying my best not show him how I worry about him all the time, but it’s not like he was giving me other choices. He is the most clumsy person I ever saw, always trips, always falls, always finds a way or another to hurt himself

“ anyway... What about this birthday you all talking about on the group? “

I raised my brow “ you didn’t read any message? “

He took off his shirt “ no... They were like 60, I have no time”

I sighed when I saw his ugly scar across his chest and then I said “ it’s gigi’s birthday “

He looked at me and slightly nodded, I asked “ are you coming? “

He shrugged and took off his pants “ I don’t know.. I mean.. Zayn would be there and last time we met he made it clear he doesn’t wanna see me again”

“Hazzaa.. “

He pushed me outside the bathroom “ I don’t wanna talk about it”

I groaned when I heard the running water “ will you grow up? “

“me? “ he yelled

I smiled “ you and him both... You are acting stupid and to be honest I can’t take it anymore... You are both my friend “

“I am your best friend “

“ so as he”
And that was true, Zayn was my best friend, I knew him the year I put my leg at the campus, a year before Harry joined us. We became friends right away but some how Harry and Zayn didn't get long.

“you know me since forever “

I gritted my teeth “ Harry”

But I got no answer, I walked and sat on my bed and took my phone that was ringing , then the water stopped.

“yes Liam”

Liam was also our friend, we met him during our second year in the dorm, he is at my age and a year older than Harry, but he was a good man

“ did you hear what happened? “

I frowned “ good morning to you too"

“ Ben Wenslet is dead”

I almost gasped when I saw Harry looking at me with concern “are you sure? “

“ yes... Everyone knows.. His body was found behind the building “

“what? What building? “

“ his building... Where is Harry? “

I looked ay Harry who was dressing his shirt “ why? “

“ because he was the last one who saw Ben”

And my heart accelerated to the double “ and? “

“ and I am sure the police would love to talk to him, since he was his partner “

Then the door was knocked and I gasped again, was that the police? Are they already here?
Harry looked at me and then he walked and opened the door, it was Niall

Niall was Harry's friend, he shared all classes with him, they were very close and everyone loved Niall

“thanks God are you okay? “

Harry frowned “ what? “

I said “ Liam.. I will call you back”

Liam said “ fine see you later “

Niall looked between me and Harry, but Harry said “ Niall? What is going on? “

Niall was pale and I could see his trembling hands from my seat,

“ you didn’t hear the news? “

“ what news? “ asked Harry

“ Ben Wenslet”

“ what about him? “

Niall looked at me again, he was scared to tell Harry the news, well I was scared too

“ he is dead Harry.. “

I looked at Harry and he didn’t blink, he was just looking at Niall

“ what do you mean dead? He was just with me.. What are you talking about? “

Niall sighed “ his body was found this morning Harry... I am sorry”

Harry then looked at me and I didn’t know what to do, okay they weren’t friend, they shared couple of classes together and they worked at the same vet clinic

Harry slowly sat on his bed

“ are you okay? “ I asked because I have to know

Harry still didn’t answer, he was looking down and the Naill said

“ police was asking about you”

Harry snapped his head up “ what? Why? “

Niall said “ he was killed Harry, it was a murder “

Harry gasped and he put his hand on his face , and then there was banging on the door, Harry snapped his head up to me. We both scared were and confused. Niall was the one who opened and there was two police officers in their uniform.

“ Harry styles? “

Harry took a deep breath and stood up, one of the police men noticed him, they entered the room and looked at Louis first and then around them

One of the said “You are Styles? “

Harry nodded his head, the officer said “ okay... Did you heard about Ben Wenslet? “

Harry again nodded, then the officer said “ okay.. You will join us to the station, we need to talk to you”

I could see how harry was trembling and that made me panic “ can I come with you too? “

I asked the question and the two officers looked at me, I said “ he is... I... Can I just come with him please “

One of the officers said “ trust me kid... There is no need, they are couple of questions and he will be back in no time.. "

“but I...” but Harry interrupted me this time “ it’s okay Lou.. I will be okay”

Then he walked with the officers and I just had to watch him go, I didn’t know what to think of or how to think, I mean okay I know he is absolutely innocent, I know they will ask him regular questions but I also didn’t k ow why I was this scared. Why my heart was dropping and I found it so hard to breath.

For the next five hours I didn’t leave my room, I was just sitting there holding the two phones in my hand, mine and Harry’s and was just waiting for him.
Ignoring all the phone calls from my girlfriend, and from any other people than my three closest friends. My mind went to the worst scenarios. What if they accused him? What if he hadn’t a good alibi.. But harry had, he was here with me right? I started to remember every single detail about what happened last night, he came before me, and he called me at exactly 10 o’clock asking where I was, I was with Eleanor she can confirm my words, and I...


My phone rang and I picked up immediately

“yes.. Hello Zayn” he was Zayn, I sighed and waited for my heart yo calm down

“no Zayn nothing yet” he was asking about Harry, although they had a big fight last time they met, although their relation was full of ups and downs, but Zayn really cared for Harry. And Harry did the same

“okay, I will call you if anything happened “

Once I put the phone down, I decided to fill my time with anything, waiting was killing me and I couldn’t go anywhere he might come back and I wouldn’t be here.
I left the bed and I sat on my desk, maybe I will occupy my mind and study. But it never happened, my mind was somewhere else, so I left it again and I lied my body and his bed and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to sleep, just close my eyes to rest my mind.

I felt some one was shaking my body and I opened my eyes. Harry was staring back at me

“ what are you doing on my bed? “

I jumped on my feet in a second and I was going to fall but he grasped my shoulders “ are you okay? What happened? “

He helped me to my bed and he sat on his bed across me, he took off his shoes and I saw how he looked, exhausted, pale, and his eyes were red so he was crying

“how did it go Harry? “ I asked and I looked at the phone, he spent eight hours out there

“it went okay” he said and he rested his back at the back of the bed, he looked tired and obviously his body needed some rest. He opened the drawer beside him and he took one of his bills. The one I see him taking when he feels so tired. And that scared me although I know his condition since it started, and although I know how many drugs he takes, 3 including this one. But I never asked any questions, and I know he didn’t like to answer too.

When he put the bills back it fell on the ground. He didn’t move from his bed so I picked it up and put it back and sat beside him

“ talk to me? “

He opened his eyes and it was fill with tears “he was killed Louis. Someone killed him. Why would someone kill Ben? What did he do? “

I swallowed thickly, and I hugged him between my arms. He rested his head and he sighed. I felt how hot he was and I knew he was crying all along.

I patted his head softly “it’s gonna be alright “

He nodded and he sighed “ I fainted” and I froze
“ during the questioning, it was embarrassing “

“it wasn’t.. “

“it was” then he looked at me “ and it was stupid but I was so stressed out and they kept asking question after another, then asking again.. It was exhausting”

I slowly nodded, I couldn’t picture how it was, I never been there so did he

“ they believed me at the end of the day, the janitor here confirmed my words.. He saw Ben giving me the ride and then I went inside the building and never get out till this morning “

Again I just nod my head, but Harry was staring at a spot and didn’t move his eyes, his mind was racing thoughts and I just wanted him to calm down

“have you eaten anything”

He just sighed and pressed his eyes with his fingers “ I am not hungry”

“Harry... You need to eat”

My phone went off again and I moved to pick up, this time it was Eleanor

“ yes El... Er.. No I didn’t get dressed”

Then I saw Harry lying down on the bed and covering himself.

“ I know.. I know.. But I... I don’t think I can make it” the I saw Harry opening his eyes wide and looking at me

“ el.. Can I call you later” and I turned the call off
without hearing her answer

“ you should go” he said

“ I can’t leave you”

He huffed “ you don’t have to babysit me I will be alright, I will sleep anyway “

I tried not to lose my temper, i know what he was doing, he was shutting down and closed. He was trying to protect himself by isolating himself from the surrounding including me, he always did that when he feels sad or angry. It happened when his beloved step dad died, it happened when he fought with Zayn last year that big fight when they hit each other and Zayn called him Fag, it happened first year in college when people knew his sexuality.

And I never let him do it, and I won’t let him do it now
“ I am not baby sitting you Harry, I am being a good person who cares for his friend “

“ you still can care and go to that party. EL was eating your mind by it for the last week, you can’t just drop her because of me”

“i won’t be enjoying it without you”

“ I wasn’t going anyway and you knew it, Gigi didn’t even call me. Besides you won’t be enjoying no matter what” then he giggled

I sighed, at least he was smiling “ will you be okay? “

He shrugged “ I am always okay Lou... No need to worry about me. I feel good. And you know this drug knocks me out in no time. You will still find me sleeping when you come back... You won’t hear my voice till tomorrow afternoon.. That’s a promise”

I smiled too, and then I walked and sat beside him on the bed “ you know you can talk to me right? “

He flipped on his back and looked at me “ I know.. You are my best friend “

I smiled “ okay... Everything is going to be alright”


He smiled too, and he nodded his head. We both believed that night that everything was going to be okay, we didn’t know it was just the start of the worst days in our lives, the start of the end of everything. The start of the story of how I lost him in few months.

Chapter Text

I don’t know he is sleeping right now”

I said to Liam who was asking me about Harry
“ what did they ask him? Do they know who did it? “

Liam kept asking me question after another, and I had no answer, I had no idea what exactly happened with him, we didn’t talk, he was tired, he cried and then he slept

“ we did not talk Liam” I answered trying not to sound bored, I knew he was worried, I was worried too.

No one knew what was wrong with Harry, Niall only saw him once very tired and almost faint on him, he saw him taking his medicines but he never asked, we never said a word, Harry didn’t like to talk about it and so did I, but I am sure Niall told Liam and Zayn what he saw but also they didn’t talk.

“that’s so fucked up, I mean they are putting security everywhere now, they say they will question everyone was in contact with Ben”

That was expected. I looked around me and then I saw Zayn was dancing freely like nothing just happened to Harry and that pissed me off

“ I will leave” I said walking away

“what now? “ Liam asked and then I saw Niall walking towards us, his smile died and he wasn’t even drinking like always

“ where are you going? “ he asked with concern

I sighed “ home.. I am tired”

Niall nodded but he didn’t say a word, then he looked at me “ is he gonna be okay? “

I nodded my head and I tried to smile “Harry is always okay”

He sighed and said “ I know, he told me that too”

“you talked? “ that was weird, when I left Harry was sleeping

“he called me”, “when? “, he shrugged “ before I came here, I was calling him but he didn’t answer”

I nodded, yeah that was Harry, he was just trying to calm everyone about him.

The Eleanor came and she wrapped her hands around me, she kissed my lips and said “ are you okay? “

I nodded, she said “ how is he? You are obviously worried about him”

I shrugged “ I mean he was so scared.. And he didn’t say a word about it”

She nodded understanding, then she said “ you need to go”

I looked at her she nodded he head and looked at where Gigi and Zayn were dancing “ go, I know you need to be with him, they will understand “

I didn’t talk, I was just staring at the dancing couple, and I felt so lucky, the best thing about Eleanor was how she understood the relationship between me and Harry, she knew how he meant to me and she never interfered between us.

“ they are worried too, I mean despite the way Zayn acts but I heard him interrogate Niall and showering him with questions.. So he cares too.. They will understand “

I looked at her again and smiled “ what about you? “

She smiled back “ I understand too, I love Harry and I just need him to be okay too”

I kissed her lips “ okay”

“ I will call you in the morning “

“okay” and I then left without talking to anyone.


Inside the room, Harry was sleeping, how long high breathing was enough to make me sure. I stayed watching him for few minutes then I decided to lie down too and try to sleep.

When I was on my bed I started to wonder, was I overreacting, did I need to worry this much? But the answer was yes, of course yes. There was a murder, and the killer was obviously free, he killed someone we knew, he killed Harry’s partner who Harry was with few hours before the murder, so yes I had to worry, not just about Harry, about all of us.

When I opened my eyes, it was morning, the sun rise was everywhere, I looked beside me and Harry’s bed was empty. Where the hell was he now?

I took my phone and I panicked, how did I missed the alarm. I was late.. Too late and I couldn’t skip again.

I jumped on my feet and wondered, what took Harry so long, he was still on his morning jog, since his bag was still here.

After dressing I called Niall just to make sure everything was alright and no need to panic

“ morning Lou? “

I frowned “ you are sleeping? What about classes? “

He sighed “ we have none... What is it? “

I hesitated at first, trying to remember what day was today, and where was Harry

“ nothing, sorry to wake you up”

“what is it? “ Niall said with concern, I sighed “ I don’t know where Harry is.. I know I am overreacting but.. He wasn’t there when I woke up and I am trying to call him... But his phone is in the room”

Some silence then “ he must be on his way, don’t worry “

And I was sure Niall was hiding something “yeah, yeah sure.. Anywya, sorry to wake you up.. Go back to sleep”

I ended the call and stayed there on my bed. When it took so long I wrote a note for him to call me once he arrive and I left it on his bed and went to my classes.


Harry didn’t call me, and I was losing my mind literally, after the class I had my football training and I couldn’t skip it, so I sent there with a half mind and zero power and tried to act as normal as I can. The coach noticed but he said nothing, maybe because half of us was the same as I was, we were all confused and maybe a little bit scared. When the practice was ended and we were in the changing room. I heard the guys were talking about the murder again, they never stopped to be honest

“ he will definitely do it again” Zack said

I was dressing my shoes when Zayn came and sat by me. He was half naked but he decided to dress his shoes first

“ that would be amazing, who do you think will be his next victim... His roomy? “ someone said I couldn’t recognise who

“ shut up.. Will you.. No one is going to be killed.. Okay? “ and that was Liam.

Zack said “ why is that? He is free”

Then Luke who was talking said “ yeah.. I can feel it, he will do it again.. So everyone should watch his back..”

Zayn snorted and dressed his shirt

“ maybe his girlfriend? “ said Luke

“ God luke” Liam yelled, Luke laughed and then Zack said “ he doesn’t have a girlfriend Luke.. It’s a boyfriend remember “

And that was new, was Ben gay? I had no idea and Harry never said a word

“yeah.. Yeah.. Hay Tommo. Wasn’t your roomy is his friend “

I looked at Zack and said “ they are just partners”

Luke laughed “ sure about that? Just partners”

Liam yelled “ alright... Cut the bullshit and now leave us”

The boy were going to talk but Zayn was the one who took a step towards them and then they walked away.


I looked between Zayn and Liam “ what was that? “

Liam sighed “ that was nothing, now let’s go”

When I opened the room door, I saw Harry was sleeping on his bed and the blood boiled in my veins, I stormed inside slammed the door too hard to wake him up. I saw him startling and he jumped on his bed looking at me with wide eyes, okay... Maybe I felt sorry when I saw his eyes and how panicked he looked.

“what the..? “ he put his hand on his chest to calm his heart, okay I was officially guilty

But also angry

“ where the hell were you? Why didn’t you call me? “

He dropped on his bed and he sighed “ I did”

“no.. You didn’t “

He looked atَ me, and then back at the ceiling “ I did I called you”

Why was he lying?

“ stop lying Harry”

He looked at me, and he was angry, he left his bed “ I called you.. Three times. You didn’t fucking answer so I left you a text... Check your fucking phone”

And he headed to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.

Okay, I was surprised, why was he this angry? I sat on the bed and I looked for my phone in my pockets, then I remembered it was still in my bag. I opened the bag and fished it out, and when I looked at it I groaned.

He did, three missed calls and a text saying
(I am home, I will sleep)

I walked to the bathroom and knocked

“ Harry.. I am sorry I was worried.. Sorry”

I got no answer

“ Harry... Come on, everyone is stressed out about Ben.. You know, I was worried”

Then the door was opened and he didn’t talk, he walked to the door

“ where are you going? “

He stopped before opening the door “ out”

I took a deep breath “ why are you running away? What is it? “

He looked at me with tears in his eyes, I asked again but I couldn’t hide my concerns “ what is it? “

He looked down and then he said “ I won’t be late”

He left the room, leaving me alone to my thoughts and concerns.

I stayed with Eleanor till midnight, I didn’t call Harry I was angry and I needed him to call and explain. I decided I wouldn’t run after him anymore

Eleanor told me about what was being told about Ben, I’m fact I had never heard those things about him. He was gay, he was a good guy and everyone loved him. He cared about everyone.. So why someone would kill him?

When I entered my room I didn’t expect to see Harry awake, and never expected to see someone was with him.

He was a guy I have never seen before, tall with brown hair, large brown eyes and a pointed look.

I looked between him and Harry and then looked at Harry waiting for an introduction

“ Louis this is Jesse Bradford... He is Ben.. I mean he was Ben’s roommate “

I slightly nodded my head then I walked closer and extended my hand “ Louis Tomlinson “

He took my hand shake and then he stood up, ignored me and looked at Harry “ I have to go”

Harry nodded “ you will be okay right? “

Jesse tried to smile and then he said “ see you tomorrow? “

Harry nodded and walked by him to the door. Jesse left and Harry closed the door. He walked back to his bed and sat there silently.

I ignored him this time and walked to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and took my long warm shower, and then brushed my teeth. When I left the room I saw Harry was still the same.

Again i ignored how he looked I lied my body on the bed “ if you don’t want the light... Would you turn it off.. I have to wake up early tomorrow “

It took him few seconds to stand up and turning off the light. I heard his footsteps coming back to his bed and he lied down too.

I was fighting not to talk to him, I was trying to sleep, then I heard sniffles. And my heart dropped.

I waited few minutes then I heard this time sobs.
I left my bed and I turned on the lights, I looked at him and his shoulders were shaking. I sat beside him and put my hands on his shoulders

“ what is wrong? “

He shook his head but the sobs turned louder
“ Harry? Why are you crying? “

I saw tears were cascading his face and his eyes were squeezed shut.

“ Harry? Is it about Ben? Are you scared? “

He kept crying,

“ don’t be scared I will protect you idiot.. Nothing will happen to you”

He opened his eyes, and he looked at me

I smiled and said “ you will be okay”

Then he sat on his bed and he looked at me, he let me wipe his tears away

“ I know you were partners.. I am sorry “

He nodded but he cried again, I did not know why was he crying mess about Ben? They were just partners.. So why?

Then I remembered Zack and Luck comments about their friendship

“Harry.. Talk to me”

He looked at me again and then he shook his head “ he wasn’t just a partner”


“what? “

He wiped his tears and said “ he wasn’t just a partner Louis.. “

I gasped “ oh God... You liked him? “

He looked at me and said with more tears “ we were in love”

And that was like a bomb, okay first why didn’t he tell me before? And how come my best friend was in love and I had no idea

“ I wanted to tell you.. But he was worried... He didn’t come out and he was scared.. So... And then.. “ he looked at me eyes and then I saw pain filled his eyes “ he was killed Louis, someone killed him”

I nodded and I just hugged him, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t have words left in my head so I just hugged him tight and I let him sob on my shoulder. His full body was shaking, and for a minute I thought he couldn’t breath

I was rubbing his back and kissing his hair whispering “ sorry... I am so sorry”

Then he wrapped his hands around me and he cried harder. Was it true love? Was this why he was panicking? Was this why the pain was filling his eyes and his heart too?

He then looked at me “ Louis... “

I saw panic in his eyes

“what? “

“I... I think... I... “ then he clutched his chest and tried to have a full breath

“ shit.. Shit... Calm down... Harry.. Please “ I sat on my knees watching him trying to breath, he was having a panic attack, it happened before several times and I always could help him.

He was still trying to breath “ I can’t.... Lou”

I nodded hysterically “ I know.. I know.. Just try to calm down Harry.. Calm down please. Okay? “

He was looking at me still panicking, I took his hands and connect our eyes together “ Harry... Deep breaths... Okay... Deep”

He nodded and tried, I nodded encouraging him “ good.. Good.. Again”

He was trying to take deep breaths and gradually he was calming down.

We stayed this way for maybe ten minutes and when he finally gained his regular breath back I was still watching him

“better? “

He nodded slowly, I took his hand and said “ I am so sorry Harry... I am. I had no idea and I feel awful about it”

“no” he frowned but I stopped him “ I should have known... I should.. I mean you were in love and I had no idea”

He shrugged “ you are not angry? “

“angry? “

“ because I kept it as a secret? “

I smiled “ you were going to tell me sooner or later right? How long any way? “

He sighed “ three months now... We were going to tell everyone next week... He will... I mean he was... “ then he stopped

I patted his knee and I looked at his eyes “ you will be okay Harry.. I know it hurts now.. But you will be fine”

He sighed “ I don’t know how... I thought... I finally found him, I finally found my soul mate lou. He was the one.. Definitely the one”

I bit my inner cheek, how could I miss that? And why I was feeling a little angry

“why would someone try to hurt him.. Why? “

I shrugged because I had no idea, he took a deep breath and said “ the funeral is tomorrow... I have to go.. Can you come with me? I would go alone... But I don’t think I will be okay”

I nodded several times before saying “ yeah.. Sure.. I will come with you”

He took few minutes just looking down and then he said “ thank you Louis”

I smiled and patted his knee again “now... Get some sleep”

He lied his back on the bed and I tugged him under his cover just like a caring parent and then I sat on my bed watching him, just watching him sleeping. Once he closed his eyes he slept and I stayed. My mind was trying to follow all the new information I just learned, he was in love with someone who was killed, Harry was never in love, okay he had few crushes before, and a not long relationship, but he was never in love, and why I was feeling weird? I had no idea.
Finally I lied my body too and stared at the ceiling till I slept.

Chapter Text

We went to the funeral together, and I never expected to cry over someone I only met couple of times without even talk to him once, but I did. Not because I was sorry for Ben, well... Of course I was sorry for him he didn’t deserve to die this awful way but I mean I was crying because of my friend Harry. He didn’t stop crying silently beside me, and I was helpless standing by him watching. Seeing him crying this much broke my heart, and I imagined myself in his place crying over someone i loved, and my mind chose Harry to be the one who I loved and I cried from the bottom of my heart.

After the burial, everyone walked away except for Harry, he asked me for few minutes with Ben and I stepped away. I was too scared for him too, and I did not know how more he can stand so I didn’t leave his side and kept my eyes on him.

He was standing there just looking at the ground that was hugging his love between her arms and he did not do anything, just stared, and I stared at him.

I looked around me trying to gather my strength to talk him to leave when I saw him.

We weren’t alone, someone else was there, someone was there staring at Harry. Jesse Bradford the roommate. He was standing few feets away looking at Harry. At the start he didn’t recognize I was there and he kept looking at Harry. But when I felt there was something wrong, and staring at Harry made me suspicious and overprotective, I walked and stood by Harry. I looked at him and he looked back at me. Then he stared at Harry for more five minutes and then he left. And so did we .

“ Harry.. Would you like to leave now? “

And to my relief, he approved.

We were in my car, and the ride was silent. He stopped crying but he did not talk. He rested his head on the window and he watched the road.

“Louis... Will the pain go away? “ he asked without facing me, and my heart literally stopped. I knew why he asked. I lost people I loved too, I lost my mother and my sister and no, the pain never goes away

I answered

Then I said “ but it won’t hurt the same”

He looked at me and said “ I am sorry... Shit I did not mean to” then he covered his eyes

“’s okay”

He nodded and it took his a minute and he said “ thanks for coming with me”

I smiled and nodded “ we are in this together “

He smiled back, cause that was his words when he stood by me during my two family members loss. He stayed and never left my side, he cried as I did, he was hurt as I was, and he stayed.

“ I don’t wanna come back”

I frowned “ what do you mean? “

He sighed “ I don’t wanna see anyone now... Can you take my anywhere far? “

I just nod my head, I didn’t know where to go but I knew I wouldn’t take him back.

I parked the car at nowhere, and he opened the door and he left, he stopped at the edge of the cliff and he looked in front of him, I was following him and I stopped by him

“ he loved you” he started, I looked at Harry and I had no idea Ben did

“ although you didn’t talk much, but he loved you because the way you are treating me” he smiled and said “ he said if you weren’t straight he would say we were a couple”

I gave a nervous laugh and didn’t talk

“ he loved me too” then he closed his eyes “ I knew he did, he loved everything about me. He was the only one who gave me that feeling, that I am needed, that someone accept me as I am and love me from deeply inside.. He even loved my songs”

And I sighed, Harry did loved him, cause he didn’t sing in front anyone else except me, even the boys he never sang in front of them. So singing to Ben must meant something big.

I slowly touched his hand, and he intertwined our fingers and said

“ I never thought I will fall in love Louis. I never thought it will be like this. I saw you falling in love and I saw how happy you were and I wanted something like that.. Ben gave me that and now he is gone”

“ I know.. But remember Jaky” I asked

He looked at me with a smirk “ how can anyone knows you forget her”

I laughed “ okay, that is the point. When I was with her I thought she was the one, the only true love... I write her songs and I almost proposed... Remember? “

He smiled and looked down, I sighed “ I know that’s different, we broke up, not like she was taken away from me... But what I am trying to say is... You will love again. Maybe not now.. Or next year.. But you will, and he will always be here in your heart in his place. But your heart will beat again for someone else. This pain you feel you will gradually be able to control , and you will surround it and keep it and try to heal the wound in your heart. It will leave a scare that’s a sure thing. But maybe that scare is actually a reminder of the good memories you shared with him”

He finally raised his head up and the tears were again filling his eyes, but he gave me a smile and he nodded his head, then he hugged my hand and said

“ I love you lou “

I embraced him and he put his head on my shoulder “ I love you too curly”

He giggled “ you stopped calling me that since long time”

I smiled “ you asked me not to”

“I didn’t “

“ you did, said it made you feel embarrassed “

He giggled again “ well that’s because it was going to be my nickname, Zayn and the others started to call me that”

I nodded “ yeah.. But you are my curly”

He nodded “ I am your curly”


Harry didn’t sleep that night I knew because I heard him crying all the night, I didn’t disturb him either because I knew how it was a relief to cry your heart out. Crying was a cure somehow, at least he wasn’t holding his pain inside.

When I wake up the next morning he wasn’t there, but before I left my bed the door was opened and he entered in his sport clothes and headed to the fridge. He put out a water bottle and he lied on the bed beside me

“ you are up early? “ I asked with my awful scratchy voice, he flinched he didn’t know I was awake
He looked at me and I smiled, he nodded and took his phone from the table, he frowned then he immediately called someone

I left my bed trying not to look very worried

“ yes Jesse.. What happened? Are you sure.. “

I hated this Jesse already and I didn’t know how to tell him, or whether to tell him or not

“ alright... I will be there”

Then he put his phone down, and no I wasn’t going to leave him go there no matter what

“ what happened? “ I asked with concern

He looked at me “ that was Jesse... BEN’s roommate.. He is having a bad day I guess”

I frowned “ what do you mean bad day, what happened? “

He shrugged and left his bed “ he broke down.. He is alone and need someone”

He walked to the bathroom and I couldn’t move, for some reason I didn’t believe that Jesse, and I didn’t want Harry near him

“and you will go” I followed him to the bathroom, he already took off his shirt

He looked at me and nodded

“why you? Why not his friends? “

“Ben was his only friend “

Then he pushed out of the bathroom

“ but Harry what about your classes? This is the third fourth day in the row”

I heard the water running and he said “ I will be okay”

I huffed and rested my back at the wall beside the bathroom, then I walked and sat at my bed

“ I will give you the ride then”

Maybe if Jesse saw me with him, he will understand that Harry wasn’t alone... What was I thinking about? Maybe Jesse was really hurt and I was overreacting? Right?

Minutes and the door was opened, he walked and sat on his bed, only in his boxer. I left the bed saying “ I will give you the ride, don’t go without me”

** ***
When I left the bathroom, he was waiting for me full dressed, he looked more pale and blackness was surrounding his eyes and I hate how he looked.

“ how do you feel? “ I asked while dressing my clothes
He sighed “ tired”

I looked at him, but didn’t ask anything, I finished dressing and then asked while coming my hair “ don’t you think you should stop your early jogging these days? “

I saw him through the mirror, he left his bed taking his jacket “ why? “

I looked at him face to face “ I know you don’t sleep “

“ i will be okay Louis.. “

He walked to the door and then he stopped “ I promise I will be fine”

Finally I nodded and we left together.

I stopped my car under the building but Harry didn’t move, I looked at him and he was looking down.

“we are here? “

He didn’t move then he whispered “ I can’t go up there”

I frowned and then I realised what he meant, that was his lover place right? They used to meet here.. Maybe a lot had happened here and he wasn’t ready for this now
I nodded then said

“ maybe call him and tell him to come down...”

He shook his head and rubbed his eyes and then my phone went off

I answered because I had to “ yes El... Yeah I am on my way okay”

Then I saw him opening the door “ Harry wait”

But he ran inside the building and I groaned angrily, then I shook my head “ no baby we are not fighting.. Yes I am okay, he is okay too... I will see you in five”


I couldn’t put him out of my mind for the rest of the day, I wasn’t suppose to go to the room till the night, I was having number of classes and then training, then I had to meet Eleanor to study together.

I tried to call him only twice, and he didn’t answer but he sent me texts telling me everything was okay.
I was with Eleanor at the library studying when I put my phone down, I called him the third time an hour ago and he didn’t answer or text

“ what is it? “ Eleanor asked

I looked at her and said “ nothing.. “

“Harry again? “ she asked maybe a little angry, but not of Harry, of me.. She always believed I was treating Harry as my son, not my friend

I shrugged “ he is with BEN’s roommate “

She frowned and looked at me as if shocked “ Bradford? “

“you know Bradford? “

She sighed and put her book down “ why they are talking together? “

“he is BEN’s roommate “

“so? “

Then I remembered, Eleanor didn’t have any idea about the live story between Harry and Ben, she wouldn’t understand how Harry felt obligated around everything belonged to Ben.

“they met couple of times..”

She crossed her arms “ I don’t like him”, I didn’t too, but that wasn’t enough

“ why? Did he do anything? “

She shrugged “ he never did anything, but he is creepy, the way he is staring at people like watching them. Gigi could swear he was stalking her for three months. He didn’t stop till Zayn talked to him and he never said what”

I nodded my head and said nothing

“ Niall says he is still skipping his classes”

I looked at her “he was going today but Jesse called and... “ okay maybe I had to stop because I was too scared to hear something else. Not that I was afraid of Jesse, but I didn’t want to act somehow and piss harry off

She looked at her books again and said “ the police suspects him”

I looked at her shocked “ how did you know? “

She shrugged “ everyone knows.. He is the roommate, Ben was found behind his building, there was no janitor that night, no one saw Jesse the whole day... He is number one suspect”

“ well if he is accused he wouldn’t be here with us”

She looked at me “ they just need a proof”

“god you believe he is the one? “

She shrugged “who else? Have you met Ben? He was like an angel on the earth. Everyone loved Ben... He never hurt anyone”

“so why would his roommate hurt him El? “

She said louder “ I don’t know... “

Then we both stopped talking. I gathered my book, okay at that moment I had to see Harry

“ I have to go”

She sighed and said “ I am sorry “

I looked at her and shook my head “ no baby, not you... But I really need some rest”

She smiled “ when is the game? “

“next week... Aren’t you leaving? “

She shook her head “ no, I need to finish this first”

I put my bag on my shoulder “ okay. Wish me luck. Call me when you are home”

She nodded and I left the library trying my best not to run.


When I opened my room, I was surprised, Harry wasn’t there. It was after midnight and he was still not here, I called him and he did not answer.

I changed my clothes and my mind was taken, I sat on the bed and send to the lads group

( anyone see Harry?)

Liam: no
Niall: what do you mean?
Niall: it’s 1 am
Niall: should we look for him
Zayn: saw him few hours ago

I phoned Zayn right away

“yes... When? “ I said once I heard his hello

“maybe five hours ago, i thought he was going back”

“have you talked? Did you ask him that? “

He sighed and I knew the answer was no
“ was he alone? “ I asked

“I guess... Listen Louis stop being paranoid here, he is not a kid he is 21, maybe he is having a walk”

I didn’t answer him, I just ended the call and decide to look for him.

Was he still with Jesse? Why wasn’t he answering if so. I tried to call him again, and at the third ring he answered

“ Harry what the hell? “ I think I was yelling, but I heard a different voice talking to me

“er.. I am no Harry. He is.. Sleeping? “

I frowned “ sleeping? What do you mean sleeping? Wake him up, who is this? “

“I am jesse..i am trying to wake him up but obviously he is deep sleeping”

I groaned “wake him up now”

I heard the man Jesse was calling Harry’s name but I didn’t hear any answer “ I am telling you man, he is not waking up”

“I am coming”

I stopped my car at the building, I had no idea which floor so I called Harry again, and again Jesse answered and told me it was third floor.

When I reached the floor he was opening the door looking at me scared

“ he is still sleeping “

I ignored him and rushed inside, Harry was really sleeping on the bed, snoring and hugging a pillow. I figured it was ben’s bed and it hurt again.

I sat by him and shook his shoulder “ Harry.. Wake up”

He didn’t move at the start, I wanted to check his pulse but i didn’t want to make a scene, I tried again and looked at Jesse. He was so nervous and watching me with big eyes

“ since when? “

He shrugged and said with hesitation “ about three hours ago”

I tried to wake him up again and he whimpered “ hay... Come on Harry wake up”

But he didn’t open his eyes

“he can stay here... That’s really okay”

I looked back at Jesse and no, never, I wasn’t leaving Harry with him.

Again I shook Harry’s body and finally he opened his eyes. He looked at me and he was struggling to keep his eyes opened.

“ are you okay? “

I asked, he looked around him and then at the bed he was on, he looked puzzled and I said “ you are at Ben’s room, do you remember? “

Then he slowly sat on the bed, obviously dizzy and he looked at Jesse “ I am sorry... I was supposed to leave sorry”

Jesse shrugged and smiled “ it’s okay, you can sleep here if you want? “

He shook his head and pressed his fingers on his eyes “ the world is spinning “ he groaned

I bit my inner cheek then I supported him to stand up, his whole weight was literally on me but I didn’t care, i just wanted him out of here, he wanted to be out of here too

“ are you okay? “ Jesse asked with concern

I looked at him and said “ he is fine.. Thanks for... Whatever, thank you”

He shrugged and opened the door for us, he looked at Harry “ call me tomorrow “

Harry nodded but didn’t talk.

When I put him on the car he slept right away, I sighed and wondered how he was, he turns this way when he takes his drug, the one for anxiety, the one he should be careful using it due to his condition.

I parked the car and looked at him I patted his thigh and he slowly moved his head towards me

“ I am awake”

I nodded “ okay, let’s go up”

He sighed “ I am so dizzy”

“what happened? Is it your drugs? “

He opened his eyes “ I forgot them today”

I didn’t yell at hi m but I wanted to “wh... But why? Or how? You take them you always do”

He shrugged “maybe that’s why I feel this way”

I tried to control my anger “ what do you feel, beside being dizzy? “

He shook his head “tired... All my body is very weak”

I nodded “no chest pain? Shortness of breath? “


I then took his hand and checked his pulse and he let me. It sounded okay, but again I can barely understand his condition, although Ann made sure that I know how to perform CPR if he fainted on me and his heart stopped, although I learnt how to do it while he was watching me laughing, I never did it. Even the last time he had some major complications I called the ambulance right away and his heart didn’t stop.

Anne tried to explain it to me, heart problems lead to Ventricular tachycardia, she explained the reasons as it was a birth defect, he was born this way, although the signs appeared when he was thirteen. He had to do some surgeries and it ended with planting some small device in his heart to control his heart beat. I struggled to understand, and I came to conclusion. All I had to do was making sure he was having his medications in time. Watching his health, making sure he never faint and if he does making sure he wakes up again with a regular heartbeat. He assured me there was no need for more, he told me he himself didn't understand his disease, although I knew it was a lie but we didn’t want to talk about it. And that was okay for me.

“shall we go to the hospital? “

He shook his head “ no, I just need some sleep”

“ are you sure? Should I call Ann? “

Again he shook his head “ I will be okay.. Don’t worry I didn’t receive any shocks”

That was his key word to calm my nerves, Ann told me to make sure to know when he receives the shocks that small device sends him.

I left the car and helped him to our room, I was scared and I didn’t know what to do. I put him on his bed and helped him changing his clothes.

He lied on bed and he closed his eyes

“ Harry.. “

“umm.. “

“should you take your meds or what? “

He looked at me “ I think so.. I don’t know” he was going to close his eyes again.

I sighed and then I took his phone from the table between our beds. And I Looked for his doctors number. I sent him a text and then he called me.

Although it was late he seemed worry, I told him everything that happened, he told me which drugs he needed and I asked him not to tell Anne. He told me to keep an eye on him and if anything wrong happens I should take him to the hospital.

I gave him his medicine and waited, nothing happened he slept right away and I didn’t, I could not. I spent all the night checking on him, checking his pulse and his breath. It was horrible night.

At the morning, his alarm went off as usual, he slowly turned it off and stretched his body.


He looked at me and frowned “ please tell me you slept”

I was reading my books trying to study. The only thing i gained from staying awake was finishing all my late assignments.

I looked at him with a smile “ I slept, but I had to wake up early”

He was watching me, then he sighed “ shit that wasn’t a dream”

“what? “

“you spent the night checking on me right? “

I frowned “no”

But he didn’t say a word, he just left his bed and he walked to the bathroom. His doctor told me last night not to let him do his morning jogging till he rest
I followed him to the bathroom, he looked at me with a raised brow

“ how do you feel? “ I ignored him

He washed his face and then he pushed me away saying “ better”

He closed the door and I said “ you can’t go running today”

“why not? “

“you were too tired last night, you didn’t take your medicine, so you can’t, you need rest”

“says who? “

“your doctor “

Then the door was opened, he was looking at me with big eyes “ you called mom? “

I shook my head “ I called your doctor “

He groaned “God”

I frowned “ God what, we didn’t know what we should do”

“well I knew” he almost yelled

“no you didn’t... You could barely open your eyes... Do you even know what was wrong with you? “

He looked away from me, I continued “ how many anxiety pills you took Harry last night? “

He looked at me “none”

“none? You were like drugged Harry, you could barely walk or talk.. You can’t do this”

He sighed and sat back on his bed “ I hate when you do This” he groaned

And he could piss me off “ hate? What, you hate when I am worried about you”

“no, I hate when you do things behind my back”

“you were fucking lying in front of me, you had no clue what I was doing Harry”

He took a deep breath and rubbed his face “ he is gonna call mom"

“no” I said, I tried to calm down and then said “I asked him not to “

Harry didn’t look at me, he was angry and I was angry
“ what were you doing with him? With Jesse? “

He looked at me narrowing his brows “what? “

“you were sleeping at ben’s bed”

He didn’t answer me, I added “ I was trying to call you and you never answered and don’t tell me not to worry you have no idea how did you looked yesterday.. So yes I was worried. I called you but he answered.. What was happening? “

He looked again at me “ what do you mean? “

I shrugged “ Zayn said he saw you at campus alone.. Why did you go back to him? “

He left his bed “ what? Are you stalking me now? “

“what are you even saying? “

“what else did he tell you? Zayn.. What else? “ he yelled

“nothing.. What is wrong with you”

He shook his head and then he started to change his clothes

“Harry, you can’t go anywhere... Not now”

He huffed “I can’t stay alone”

“what? “

He said louder but with anger “ I can’t stay alone... It makes me think... I don’t want to think”

I took a deep breath and walked closer to him “ is that why you didn’t go back here last night? “

He sighed and looked down “ I knew you would be late... And I... I couldn't stay alone”

“why didn’t you call Niall or Liam? “

He shook his head “they would ask questions...”

I put my hand on his shoulder “ Harry.. They are your friends.. Why are you hiding this? Everyone knows about Ben being gay.. “

He looked at me “ no one knows he was gay”

He shrugged “well... There were rumours”

He shook his head in frustration and huffed, I said “ call me Harry, when you feel alone call me”

“ you were busy. So Jesse was the only one”

I bit my inner cheek before asking “does Jesse know about you and Ben?”

He nodded “ I didn’t know he did, but obviously Ben told him”

I nodded again and then I said “ what do you want to do now? “

He shook his head “ you have classes”

“I can skip my first one”

He shook his head, but I said “ let’s have breakfast.. Come on”

He looked at me “ are you sure? “

I nodded “give me five”

We were having breakfast, he was doing better, he was eating and talking, not about Ben but he was talking. He promised me to go to classes today and he confessed he had missed a lot.

“ he is an idiot” he said

I smiled “well.... He has a point”

“a point? How exactly he has a point.. Some times I wonder how you are his friend “ he took one fries in front of me

“hay.. Zayn is not that bad”

He chuckled “ yeah.. He is not, he is a jerk"


He shrugged and took another fries and he didn’t comment. And then he took his coffee

“Louis.. “

“yes? “ I looked at him and he was thinking

“ do you think he will do it again? I mean the one who killed Ben? Cause obviously he knew what he was doing .. Ben was just his first victim “

I was watching him, I didn’t know what to say because I had no clue “ I think they will find him Harry”

He looked at me “ listen.. I know something “

I looked at him with big eyes and fast beating heart
He continued “ two days before his death... He told me about letters..”


He nodded “I didn’t see them, I don’t know how do they look, we didn’t pay attention.. Cause we thought it was stupid prank”

“what was on them? “

He shrugged “ threads? “

“Fuck? Are you serious? Have you told the police? “

He nodded “ I did... And Jesse said they searched all his stuff and there was no sign for those letters”

“what does that mean? “

He sighed “ I have no idea.. Either someone took them or Ben got rid of them, we didn’t pay them much attention “

Now I was scared “ what kind of threads Harry do you know? “

He didn’t talk, I pressed “ Harry? “

He looked at me “I don’t know.. Like... Homophobic threads”

I could not talk, I was just looking at him, that meant one thing, Harry was in danger himself. Few people knew about Ben’s sexuality, but Harry... Everyone knew

“Harry.. Have you received any? “

He looked at me and didn’t talk, “Harry”

“no.. Do you think? “

I sighed “ we should tell that police”

“well I did, but they found nothing, they know nothing”

I was going to talk but I saw Jesse was walking towards us and he stopped in front of us, he looked at Harry

“Harry, I was trying to call you”

Harry looked at him, he hesitated for a second “I am sorry... “

Then he put out his phone “it’s on silent”

Jesse said “ I was worried”

Harry tried to smile “ I am sorry, i know I scared you last night”

I was watching Jesse looking at Harry angry, and I didn’t know why I felt like that “ excuse me... How did you know he was here? “

It was like Jesse finally recognised me, he looked at me and said “ I didn’t... It is where I have my regular breakfast “

Then he looked again at Harry “ anyway, I am glad you are okay”

And he left.

Harry looked at me and crossed his arms

“what? “ I asked

He shrugged but still looking at me, I sighed “ okay.. I hate him”

He shook his head “ you heard what people are saying about him, they are accusing him Louis.. He is innocent who lost his best friend and people not the police are accusing him”

I did not talk, he added “ don’t do this”

I sighed “ I am not doing anything, do you think if I believe he was the one I would let you hang out with him? “

He raised his brow, I smiled and added “ you know what I mean. I am not trying to be possessive but if I believed the rumours I would stop you”

He sighed and took his coffee again “ he is innocent, I feel sorry for him”

I didn’t add anything. I just look at where he was sitting by himself, drinking his coffee looking at the table and nit trying to make any eye contact with anyone.
Then I looked at Harry and said

“ yeah.. You are
probably right”

But I still hated him.

Chapter Text

For the next week, I was so busy with my classes and training, the game was at the end of the week and I had no time to do anything. Just study and practice all the time, I could barely saw Eleanor and of course I had no long direct contact with Harry.

I asked the girls to take good care of him, he didn’t want to be alone and I made sure he wasn’t alone at all. So Eleanor, Perrie and even Gigi tried to surround him when he wasn’t with Niall. He returned to his classes and although they all told me he was doing okay, it was only me who felt he wasn’t. Even if we had little talks when we woke up or before we slept, I knew he wasn’t okay.

I entered my room at end of the day,the game was the next day and I needed to have some rest and clear my mind, but Harry wasn’t alone again, Jesse again was there.

Once Harry saw me he yelled my name and he walked to me and hugged me “ I missed you lou”

At the start I smiled at that, then I frowned, cause what the hell

I pulled him away and looked at his face “ are you drunk? “

He laughed “ no”

I dropped my bag and looked at Jesse who was smiling too, and then I saw two empty bottles of I don’t know what exactly, I felt furious and looked again at Harry

“you are fucking drunk Harry? What the fuck? “

Harry frowned and I noticed he was swaying, then he walked away and sat beside Jesse and tried to hide behind him

“don’t yell at me lou”

I looked at Jesse with fire in my eyes “ what did you do to him? “ I yelled and he stood up and shrugged coldly “ I did nothing.. What is wrong with you”

“he is drunk” I yelled again

“ yeah, I know.. So what? I see you getting drunk every time after your match, what is wrong with that? “

I was glaring at him, what wrong with that? Well of course Jesse didn’t know what was the wrong, but Harry did.

Anne made sure to let us know no alcohol for Harry, not even small amount, he was very sensitive to alcohol and with his ICD it could cause it to deliver a shock when it should not.

“get out”

Jesse looked at me with big eyes “ what? “

“get the fuck out of here now... “ I yelled again and he looked at Harry

“are you letting him do this? “ he asked Harry who was swaying and looked at me “ lou.. I don’t feel okay”

I ignored harry for few seconds although my mind was racing and looked back at Jesse

“ what the hell are you doing here? Get the fuck out of here... And don’t you ever get near him again”

He looked at me challenging “or what? “

I could not understand that man, but I needed him out of our lives, I took few steps closer and said

“ you don’t need to try me... Now get out”

Finally he walked to the door but he stopped and looked at me “ you can’t control him forever you know”

I frowned but couldn’t answer, I wasn’t controlling him, that idiot had no idea what he was saying

“ just remember my words” and then he left.

I walked and slammed the door behind him and looked at Harry.

He was staring at nothing. And his body stopped swaying then he looked at me and stood up. I was sure he had no control over his body I walked closer to him and then he said

“ I don’t feel okay”

I nodded “I know.. Cause you are drunk you idiot”

He didn’t talk, I took his hand and walked with him to the bathroom, I entered the shower cabin and opened the cold water with my clothes on, and then I put him under the water.

After staying there for more the ten minutes, he was just standing by me and supporting his body by leaning on me.

“ how do you feel? “

He looked at me and said “ cold” his whole body was trembling

“good” I closed the water and said to him “ wait here”

I rushed inside the room, changed my clothes very fast and got h new clean clothes. And then I went back. I tried to help him to change but he looked at me and then I nodded. He was always shy about his body so I left the bathroom and waited for him on my bed.

When he left the bathroom he was still swaying, I helped him and was going to put him on his bed when he suddenly collapsed on the floor, I didn’t have the time to help him.

He lied flat on his back and didn’t move. I was calling his name but he did not respond, and then suddenly his body jerked and I felt my heart stopped beating.

I only saw him once, I saw that once and I promised myself never again.

He just received a shock and I panicked, I only saw him receiving one four years ago. We were playing football together and suddenly he collapsed and had a shock and wake up again as nothing happened.

I froze at my place watching him, waiting for him to wake up again. Slowly he looked at me with opened eyes and I suddenly became to my senses and heard Anne’s instructions in my head.

Made him sit in a reclined position. I out one hand on his belly under his navel and the other on his chest

“ breath Harry” I asked and he did. He made sure to calm himself, and I made sure that the hand on his belly moved higher than that on his chest.

He slowly looked again at me “ I don’t think it.... “

“shut up and breath.. “

He looked in front again and did, for long ten minutes, I didn’t let him move, or do anything but breathing.

Finally I helped him to his bed and I took his phone
“what are you doing? “

I didn’t look at his face “ I am calling your doctor “

Then suddenly the phone was taken away from my hand and he was on his feet looking at me

I said worried and nervous, I knew I yelled but I was so shocked

“you just received a shock.. We need to call your doctor “

“no” he was so calm

“Harry... Listen.. Don’t.. I... You just received a shock”

“I am okay”

I shook my head and closed my eyes, I saw him again on the floor and his body jerked and I couldn’t..

He put his hand on my hand and he was the one who helped my to sit on my bed “ I am okay... My heart is okay. I did received a shock but not because of the heart, I mean... My heart is fine. It is the alcohol “

I was still staring at him, I was very angry at him right now

“ I am sorry”

I shook my head and closed my eyes again “ why did you do this? You know about your device and alcohol so why? “

He shrugged “ I don’t know... I mean.. I didn’t think it will lead to this.. I didn’t think I drank too much but obviously I had no control “

I was still watching him, then I looked in front again “ why did he bring it anyway? “

He shrugged again “ I think I looked sad this morning and he wanted to cheer me up”

I huffed in frustration and rubbed my hair “ you scared the shut out of me”

“I am sorry... I am so sorry. But I am really okay.. Although my head is killing me”

“you deserve it”

He smiled “ I know... But.. Anyway.. You should have some sleep”

I nodded and then I looked at him, his hair was still wet and messy over his head, but other than that he looked really fine.

He moved and turned off the light and I lied my back on the bed, I heard him lying on his bed. And I heard him taking another deep breathes, and I knew he was nervous himself.

I left my bed and I lied beside him, I felt him smiling and he gave me a room, I cuddled him and made sure that he was breathing, and his heart was still beating. I closed my eyes and buried my face In his still wet hair but I didn’t care. As long as he was okay I didn’t care.


We lost the game and I was the reason.

We played awful, no I played awful and I wasn’t focusing on the game, my mind was still with Harry and what happened the day before. He told me he would be here at the games but the first half of it and he hadn’t showed up. I was losing my mind and I felt something awfully wrong happened to him.

I was supposed to score the penalty, I was their best. But because of my mind and the lack of sleep I missed it and we lost the game.

When the match was over I rushed inside to the changing room ignoring everyone and everything.
I locked myself at one stall and although the rest of my team chatted beside me, no one blames me or anything, even when the coach came he said we played good but we weren’t lucky, he told them if anyone saw me he wanted to have a talk with me.

Then gradually the team was leaving the room, and when I thought no one was there I came out.
Once I was in front of my lockers I saw Zayn and Liam were waiting for me.

“what was the wrong with you? “ Zayn asked

I didn’t answer him, I opened my locker and put my stuff there, he walked closer “ why did you fucking disappear? We were worried about you”

I ignored him, and maybe that pissed him off because he walked closer and slammed my locker shut. I looked at him and said

“ what do you want me to say? I lost the match”

Liam “ we lost the match”

“it was my fault “

Zayn chuckled sarcastically “ in case you didn’t know, it’s a group team, there are another eleven players who played the same game and we all played good”

“I didn’t... We lost” I yelled

Liam “ is it because of the penalty? “

I ground and hit the locker with my fist, Liam added “ that happens.. No one blames you”

“well I do.. It was out dream.. We wanted to win this match it will make the difference, but I lost it... I made you all lose your dream”I was still yelling

Zayn yelled back at me “ no one blames me, we all did our best”

“not me”

“then why? What was in your mind? “

I stopped talking and looked between the two of them and left the room.

When I was outside I saw Eleanor with couple of girls waiting for me there, once she saw me she ran to my direction but I ignored and said aggressively

“go home”

“baby.. That’s okay.. “ she was running after me
I turned my back to her and she froze “ I said... Go away. I don’t need your words, I don’t need your touch I don’t need you right now.. So fucking go home”

And then I gave her my back again and I rushed to where my car was.

And he was there leaning on my car. Once he saw me jumped on his legs and said

“I am sorry lou”

I ignored him, it was his fault anyway. I opened the door and tossed my bag there and then entered my car “ where are you going? “

I ignored him but he ran and got inside the car, he pissed me off, I didn’t need anyone specially him

“get out”


“I said get out”

I was yelling but he was calm “no”

I groaned louder and started the car, I drove as fast as I could ignoring his words for me to calm down and to watch out.

But when he said “you don’t have to kill us for a stupid game”

I felt the blood boiled in my head, and I could see fumes coming out of it, I pressed the breaks and I saw h hitting the front window but I didn’t give a shit.

I left the car so I don’t hurt him anymore, but I heard him coming after me

“that was not your fault “

I looked at him glaring “ I know... Cause it was yours””

He frowned but he looked shocked, I added “ I couldn’t play because as always I was fucking worried about you... Where were you? “

“you shouldn’t “

I was yelling “ i shouldn’t? Really? After what I saw last night? I thought you were fucking dying styles.. God I am so sick of this, I am so sick of watching you and worrying about you I am so sick of you paying no attention to how miserable you are making me feel”

I could see the pain was written all over his face “no one asked anything from you”

“Well no, your mom asked, she told me to watch over you”

“I am not a kid anymore, I don’t need your... “

I yelled “ stop talking Harry, you don’t know anything. You need me, you fucking can’t live without me you won’t survive”

I started to see tears filling his eyes, but I didn’t know what was my wrong this time “ but I am tired.. I am so fucking tired. You are killing me.. You are wasting my time, my life. You made me lose my only dream Harry”

“it wasn’t my fault”

“but it was” I yelled and then held him from his collar and yelled at his face “ this is your fault” then I pushed him and his back hit my car.

I let him and I was completely shaking, what did I just do? I had no idea what possessed me but I knew I had to leave because I might really hurt him.

I jumped in my car again but this time he didn’t move. He was frozen I drove fast but my eyes didn’t leave the rear window watching him looking at the car going away.

I returned home at three am, he wasn’t there and I didn’t expect to see him there. I took my phone from my bag and I called Niall, I didn’t care if he was asleep or not

“yes Tommo” his voice was alerted so he wasn’t sleeping

“Harry is with you? “

He waited for few seconds then he said “I thought he was with you”

I frowned but I then sighed and sat on my bed, Niall asked “ what happened? “

“we had a fight”

“how bad? “


I heard him sighing “ okay, I will look for him”

“Niall, I left him at the middle of no where”

“I will find him”

And he ended the call, but I froze, I literally left him at the middle of no where. So I jumped on my feet and I ran outside to my car. I drove to where we had our fight trying to call him , I thought he would be there, but thankfully he wasn’t, OK maybe my heart relieved a little but I still didn’t find him. I tried to call him again but his phone was still out of service.

I groaned angrily and I hit the rock underneath me, I should stop doing that I knew, I should stop worrying this much about him, right?

When I returned back to the room, he still wasn’t there. I lied on my bed and I closed my eyes. This day needed to end. And I slept.

When I wake up few hours later I heard noises coming from the bathroom, I jumped on my feet and called his name


But he didn’t show up, I waited and I prepared the apology speech in my head over and over again.
Finally the door was opened and he came out of the bathroom, eyes and nose red and From where I was sitting, I could see his body was shaking.

He looked down and said “ I am sorry if I wake you up”

And he sat in front of me to wear his shoes, I was watching him, I knew he was crying maybe he spent the whole night crying. And I couldn’t blame him for doing this.

He finished tying his shoes and then he looked at me “I am sorry”

I frowned, I was the one who supposed to apologise

“I didn’t mean any of this to happen.. I am sorry that you had to take care of me.. And I am so sorry that I ruined your life.. Your dream”

“Harry.. “ I whispered, did I tell him that last night? I knew I said awful things but were these my words. He jumped on his feet and he shook his head

“no don’t, don’t say a word Lou.. It’s really... It is my fault and I know there is nothing to do to fix it and I... “

I left my bed and walked towards him

“it’s not that, I was angry Harry and I lost the game... I needed someone to blame.. I am so sorry, it was not your fault, of course it wasn’t “

He was watching me silently, then he slowly nodded his head and walked to take his bag

“ Harry, let’s sit and talk, can we? “

He shook his head “no”

“Harry... Don’t be stubborn, let me explain “

“you just did Louis.. You were angry”

I sighed “ Harry I didn’t mean what I said “ I was still seeing the pain in his eyes. His hands were trembling and he was struggling not to cry

He didn’t talk at first then he looked at me and said “ but you were right though”


Again he shook his head “ yes. Ever since I was thirteen... Since the day I collapsed while playing football with you and you were stuck with me”

“I was not... I wanted to be there”

“ all the surgeries.. All the complications and the worries.. I mean we were kids.. That was my problem I don’t understand why I made you suffer with me?” he chuckled in sarcasm “ and when you moved to college. I followed you and to add more pressure I chose to be your roommate, I didn’t even ask if you want me or not”

“Harry shut up, stop thinking this way... What are you talking about”

He looked down “ all our friends keep telling that you worry so much, that you overreacting.. But I didn’t see it that way... I loved to think that you were caring about me”

“i am”

“no you are not, I am a burden Louis. I always have been. You don’t need this in your life.. You don’t need to live your life worrying about me.. Fuck now I can see I can see everything “

I sighed because he wasn’t listening to me, he wanted to speak his heart up and so I let him “ see what? “

He looked at my eyes and said “ that I am ruining your life”

I frowned because the way he said it, the look in his eyes said that he actually believed that. I was already angry of losing the game, depressed and felt no energy to discuss him, so I didn’t talk. He was wrong, he was absolutely wrong but I was angry that he thought that of me

“where have you been? “

He looked at me wondering “what? “

I asked again “ at the match, where have you been? Were you okay? “

He shrugged and didn’t talk, I yelled “ what happened? “

He flinched and looked at me “I was okay, I was with Jesse”

And that was enough “with whom? Jesse? I was worried sick about you and you were hanging the fuck out with Jesse” I was telling and very very angry

“what is wrong with him anyway... Why are you yelling at me, he was apologising for what he did, he told me what you did that night"

I shook my head in frustration and I wish I didn’t say what I said next

“get out”

He didn’t move, and I yelled again “ I want you out of my face right now... So get the fuck out”

He was still looking at me

“now Harry”

And he left, I didn’t see how he looked when he left but I didn’t need to.

I didn’t know how I slept, but I did. I woke up on my door room banging. I looked around me and the place was empty. And it was already night.

“open the fucking door “ it was Zayn and he was obviously angry

I walked and once I opened he pushed me away, “where the hell were you? “

My head was killing me and i could barely open my eyes

“the coach needs you” he said while sitting on Harry’s bed

“and where is Harry? Why his phone is out of service “

I sighed and I sat on my bed, I looked at him “ I have no idea where he is”

Zayn was watching me and his didn’t talk, then he sighed too “ so you fought with him too.. What is the matter? Us? Then Eleanor? And your Harry”

“he is not my Harry. Stop saying this”

He just smiled “ but he is your Harry”

“not anymore”

He giggled “ not anymore? I will never believe that.. But tell me what happened? “

I looked at him and then I said it “ he received a shock the day before the game”

Zayn was staring at me, and then he raised a brow “ what does a shock mean? An orgasm? “

“what the fuck” I threw a pillow on him

I yelled “ I am serious here”

He was laughing “ I have no idea what you are talking about? “

I knew I would regret it later but i needed someone to help me

“ Harry is sick”

His smiled died and he frowned “ I know.. But.. Er... Is it serious? Like is it a bad thing, not just an asthma or something? “

I shook my head “no, it’s not like asthma.. He has a major heart disease “

Zayn opened his mouth but no words was said, I continued “ it started when he was thirteen.. He had lots of surgeries and eventually his doctors implanted a small device in his heart to control his rhythm... Do you understand anything? “

He finally closed his mouth, he looked down trying to absorb what he heard “are you serious? “

Then he looked at me “ do you mean.. There is a device inside Harry? “

I nodded

“ shit.. Shit” he left the bed and said while pacing the room “ I know what that device mean.. My grandpa had one... I damn... He is too young for this, is he gonna die? Is he sick? Is he in hospital now? “

I jumped on my feet “ hay, hay...stop. None of this”

The I asked him to sit and I told him everything that happened ever since Ben death till this morning.

He was staring at me “ so he is hanging out with Bradford? “

I groaned “ is that all you got? I am telling you about our fight”

He huffed “I know... But Bradford? He is the major suspect”

“he doesn’t believe that, he thinks he is innocent “

Zayn sighed “ is Harry with Niall? “

I shrugged, I had no idea where he was

Zayn stood up “ we need to find Harry”

I looked at him confused “ why”

He walked to the door “cause I have something to tell him”

Chapter Text

We were sitting I Zayn’s car, he was behind the wheel while I was phoning everyone Harry knew. I found him nowhere and I was getting anxious


I huffed “ where is he? Not with Niall, or Liam. Not with the girls. Nit even with Bradford, where the hello is he? “

But Zayn was staring at his wheel silently
“are you okay? “

But he didn’t move then he said “Louis.. Was he hurt? The day we fight was he hurt? “

I said “no”

He looked at me “ we hit each other, I called him names.. I didn’t know”

“stop it, he is not made of glass Zayn. He can fight, he plays football with us, he is running everyday... Stop thinking this way”

He looked in front again “ he was okay? “

I nodded, I didn’t tell him what really happened, how anxious Harry was that he took his pills that knocked his down for the next day. There was no need to tell him.

“ I don’t want you to mention it to anyone”

He looked at me with wide eyes “ are you kidding? They need to know”

“no.. They don’t. He doesn’t want them to know... Don’t make me regret telling you please “

Finally he sighed and rubbed his face. I looked in front again and then asked

“what do you wanna tell him? “

He didn’t look at me but he said “ do you ever know where we got the rumours? About Ben being gay? “

I shook my head, because I had no idea till he died
“it was two weeks ago, we were leaving the training, Zack, luke and I.. And then we heard someone was yelling. He was saying you don’t love him, you can’t do this to me. I took a closer look and I could see Ben.. He was the one that was yelling at. But I couldn’t figure out who was yelling. Then we heard a thread I will kill you and I will kill him”

Then he sighed “we thought it was juts out of anger you know. We knew that night that Ben was gay... And we thought the boyfriend was... Harry”

“Harry? “

He shrugged “he is the only one who Ben hanged out with, they were together all the time.. Harry was the only one Ben was talking too. When I heard the guys started to talk about it, I fought with them I told them we know nothing.. All we knew that Ben was gay, and that was not a problem for us. I told them not to mention harry... “

“you started the rumours? “

He shrugged again “it was Zack... But once you say this.. It stucks. But they guys are worried about Harry, they believe Bradford was the one who was yelling that night”

“but you didn’t see him”

“no one saw... We had no idea who was he”

“have you told the police? “

He shook his head “ I mean.. “ he sighed “one day before Ben’s death he came to talk to me”

almost gasped “why? “

He but his lip “he was crying, and he told me he knew that I started the rumours... He said I ruined his life.. He was scared shit and he begged me to fix it, to come and say that I made everything up, he told me it was the only way to save it. But I felt there was ore to tell me but he could not. He was protective about Harry and told me that the rumours started to get to him”

“I know nothing about that”

He nodded “I guess his dearth made people stop. And I don’t think those rumours would affect Harry, I mean everyone knows he is gays... So maybe it was when Ben knew the threads were real? “

I frowned “ do you mean he knew he was going to die? “

He shrugged “ I asked him if he was in trouble, if he needed help. I asked who was the man who was threatening him... But he didn’t answer, he left that night with Harry and the next morning.. I knew he was killed. First thing caught my mind was Harry.. So I came to you but I saw him returning to your building from his daily jog”

I sighed deeply trying not to panic, I was scared and angry. How could the police leave walk freely with us. Who ever killed Ben was supposed to get arrested the day of the murder.

“I need to find him” I groaned

Zayn stopped the car at our building, he looked at me “ maybe he is back? “

I shook my head “I don’t think so.. He was so sad. I should call Ann but I don’t know what to do if he wasn’t there”

Zayn opened the door “let’s go and have a look. I mean even if he wants to leave.. He had no clothes with him. All his stuff is still up there”

I nodded, he had a point.

Once I opened the door I found two bags above his bed filled with his clothes. I looked at Zayn with opened mouth then I called “Harry? “

But he didn’t answer, I stepped inside looking for him, then I noticed the bathroom light was turned on. I looked at Zayn who nodded for me and the I moved inside

I didn’t call him again, cause he was there sitting on the ground of the shower cabin, hugging his knees.

I walked closer and then I sat in front of him

“are you okay? “

He didn’t answer, I chewed my inner cheek “ Harry are you...”

“I am fine” he groaned still burying his face between his knees. But I knew he was crying

“okay.. What are you doing here? “

He shook his head and said “I can’t “

I sighed “ Harry, please look at me”

He took a deep shaky breath and looked at me, I tried to smile to reassure him, I wanted to tell him I wasn’t mad. I was okay, I didn’t mean to blame him

“ I want to leave... But I can’t “

I frowned “leave where? “

He shrugged “anywhere... Far. Far from you” and his voice cracked

“you want to leave me? “

He nodded “is that what you want? “

I shook my head “ of course not. What are you talking about”

He shook his head “I am a burden... You won’t have to deal with me anymore”

“Harry shut up” then I rested my back beside him
He looked at me “ I know it’s the truth.. And.. When I left this morning I was sure that I can make it without you, that I don’t need you... But when I was ready to leave I couldn’t “

“”good... Cause I would look for you and bring you back”

“why? “

I looked at him with bug eyes “why? Do you wanna know why? “

He nodded, I took his hand and sighed “ I don’t care about your heart Harry. No I don’t mean it this way... I mean.. I am with you not because I am just worried about you. You are my best friend, not Zayn not Liam you... You know everything about me.. Living with you makes my life easier”

He shook his head and the tears filled his eyes again “no, you are lying”

“I am not lying” I was trying to convince him and for some reason it was hard

“ do you remember when they implanted that device in your heart? You were angry.. All that mattered to you at that day was that will peep when you pass any portal, and you will have to explain yourself” I giggled “ actually I was very excited.. Iَ mean that was new right? But that day... When we tried it and you explained to the security man... I saw that look in your eyes. You were not angry.. You were embarrassed.. And you cried the whole night”

He laughed and wiped his tears “ I was stupid”

“yeah you were. You still are. But.. When I was trying to calm you down.. I promised you we won’t have to think about it. The point is you are okay and we don’t have to think about it”

He nodded

“then I saw you trying to be good. Taking your meds, doing your daily exercise. Hearing your doctors saying you were doing better made me feel relived. And with time... I stopped thinking about it. I never think about it. But sometimes.. When you are not okay.. I got the right to worry. Because it scared me Harry.. I didn’t want to think about it before because I couldn’t think of losing you... I will not survive if anything happened to you... You fucking can’t leave me. So when I saw you on the ground and your body jerked that way”

I swallowed my tears because it was hard to remember “ I panicked, because that is exactly why I never wanted to think there was something wrong with you.. I thought you were dying. For few seconds I thought you were dead... The minute you opened your eyes again I didn’t know how I did what I did... But it was like Ann was standing by my side telling me what to do”

He pressed my hand tight and said “ I am sorry “

J shook my head “ no you idiot.. Don’t apologise. Just promise me you won’t do it again”

He nodded

I said “ I can’t survive without you Harry... I just can’t. I panicked and still actually panicking... And when I panic I become angry and anxious and furious “

“you lost the game because of me”

I frowned “ it’s twelve players game in case you haven’t noticed Harry”

He shrugged “ you weren’t yourself”

I nodded “ I was worried about you... But that was my best worrying playing version.. I don’t think I could make it better. It’s game Harry. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. And I was stupid to blame you... I was scared and angry... And then you said you were with Ben.. It drove me crazy”

He sighed and rubbed his eyes to dry all his tears “ what is the matter between the two of you? Why do you hate each other”

“wait what? He told you he hates me”

He smiled and looked at me “don’t look hurt, you hate him and you made it clear”

“I don’t “

Then I remembered Zayn and what he told me, and that made me remember Zayn was outside waiting
“come on let’s get out of here.. We need to unpack”

I stood up but he didn’t, I looked at him and he said while looking down “ promise me something lou”

Anything for you”

He looked at me and said “promise me you will stay by my side no matter what”

I frowned because of course I would, what did he say made no sense

But I nodded anyway and smiled “ that is a sure thing Harry, you are stuck with me.. “

He smiled and nodded. And together we left the bathroom, no Zayn was there and then my phone peeped in my pocket I looked and it was a text from Zayn " hope you are doing good"

Chapter Text

Next morning when I opened my eyes to turn off the alarm I heard light snoring, I looked at Harry’s bed and it was the first time to wake up and find him here. For few seconds I got worried but again I remembered what his doctor said about his morning jogging and he needed some rest.

I left my bed and headed to the bathroom, but once I was there I heard banging on the door. I ran out to open and I saw Harry sitting at his bed with wide eyes looking at the door.

I opened it expecting to see Niall or Zayn, but he was Jesse.

He looked at me “where is he? “

I frowned and looked at him confused, he asked again “ what did you do? What did you say to him? “

Then I heard Harry calling his name from behind, Jesse ignored me and then he pushed me and got inside, he rushed to Harry and hugged him so tight. When I looked at Harry his face was confused, he didn’t wrap his hand around Jesse and he looked extremely uncomfortable

“where have you been I waited for you” he asked with huge concern, then he cupped his face “ what happened? "

Harry slowly put Jesse’s hand down and took few steps backwards, he was obviously irritated but he kept his calm “I was here.. “

Jesse was looking at his own hands, then he looked at Harry with maybe anger in his eyes “ I waited for you”

Harry asked “ why? “

Jesse “I thought you would come.. I mean you told me you had that fight with Tomlinson I thought you would finally leave him”

And that was enough, I stepped closer and stood by Harry “ leave where exactly? To come and live with you? “

Jesse was still staring at Harry and his look scared me, again he ignored me “ you are not coming? “

Harry shook his head “no... I mean I was angry, but we fixed things.. He is my brother”

Jesse still staring at Harry, he whispered “brother? “

Then he chuckled “ he blamed you for ruining his life and then you say he is your brother”

“hay” i yelled but Harry held my hand to calm me down, he then looked at Jesse and took few steps closer to him

“ I am sorry if I made you think I was coming, but i live here... Not just this room I live with Louis. We are not just roommate.. He is my brother I will never leave him”

Jesse was looking down but at Harry’s last words he looked at Harry and said “ what about me? “

Harry frowned “what about you? “ I look looking between them trying to understand what was going on, trying to understand why he was looking at Harry this way, like lovers way.

But Jesse looked down again, when Harry saw the pain in his eyes he said “Jesse... We are friends “

But Jesse didn’t raise his head up, then harry took a step closer but he stepped back and then he walked to the door. But before leaving he turned to face us but he looked at me not at Harry and then he left.

I walked and slammed the door shit “what the hell was that? “

I turned to Harry and he was completely shocked, he shook his head and sat on his bed

I walked and sat by him “ what is going on between the two of you”


“that doesn’t look like nothing”

He sighed “ I know.. I don’t understand “

He wasn’t understanding, the look on his face said everything. He was shocked and also hurt. He didn’t want to hurt Jesse but also didn’t want to give him fake hope, the phrase he said “we are friends “ was the end of the story. Or that at least what i thought at that time.

“Harry.. I need to tell you something about Jesse”

He looked at me “you will tell me he killed Ben? “

I shrugged “I got my reasons to believe.. “

He shook his head “ don’t tell me what Zayn heard”

I was shocked “ did Zayn told you that? “

He shook his head “no, Luke did”

“okay, isn’t that enough “

“it was not Jesse”

“how did you know? “

He sighed “ because Ben told me... “

Then silence

“Harry.. Do you hide things from me? “

Harry looked at me narrowing his eyes “ I told you about the threats”

“you told me there were some letters, you didn’t tell me anything about this”

“because I know nothing about this... “ he took a deep breath “ All Ben told me that the night of his death... He was talking to someone who was threatening him, he was trying to make him understand, he was the one who start the rumours about him.. “


because he was obviously talking about Zayn

“yes. Ben talked to him, he didn’t tell me who.. He didn’t want me to get involved. He was scared that I might git hurt... I didn’t know what he meant at that time. And I didn’t actually care about what people were saying about me... So it was him who didn’t want to be called gay at least not now. So he talked to him and two hours later he was dead”

I shook my head “ that’s not the true story Harry”

He looked at me confused, so I added “ okay he did talked to someone, the one Ben thought he started the rumour but... Zack was the one who did”

“it was zack? “ he gasped

I shook my head again “ no, zack only said what he heard at the locker room, someone was threatening Ben.. “

“I know.. And Ben was trying to fix things”

I shook my head again “no"

“how do you know” he started to get worried and anxious, he left the bed trying to control his nervousness

“because it was Zayn”

He froze, so I explained “Ben was talking to Zayn, he knew Zayn was there the night he was threatened, he knew Zayn heard him and that’s why he thought Zayn was the one who started the rumour “

He gasped “fuck.. It was Zayn”

“it wasn’t, it was zack. Ben thought it was Zayn and he talked to him to fix thing, Zayn says he Was so nervous and like scared of something, he was trying to protect you... Zayn wasn’t threatening him Ben lied to you”

Harry was looking down trying to understand. Then he said “ so Zayn saw him that night, when he was threatened? “

“he did”

“and he told you it was Jesse? “ he asked witn venom in his tune that surprised me

“ he thinks so”

“what do you mean thinks so? Did he see him? “

“no. He could not, he just saw Ben, but the other guy was telling him he will kill him and kill his boyfriend “

Again Harry kept silent for few seconds, then he sat again beside me “it wasn’t Jesse”

“why do you keep defending him? “

“because I know why Zayn is accusing him, it’s about Gigi”

Okay, he remembered something like that, Eleanor said Zayn talked to Jesse when Gigi believed he was stalking her

“he hit him, Zayn hit Jesse. He thought.. Or Gigi thought he was stalking her”

“and he wasn’t? “

Harry looked at him and shook his head “no”

“and you just believe him? “ I was getting angry, Harry trusted Jesse so much that it was irritating regardless everything he heard about him

“ I believe him, because he is gay.. You just saw it your eyes”

And that was right, Harry sighed and rubbed his face

"it’s a nightmare and I can’t take it anymore”

I looked at him and I understood how pain he was feeling, I put me hand in his thigh “ they will find him.. Who ever did it, they will find him”

Harry closed his eyes “it won’t bring him back though, he is dead” he looked at me with tears in his eyes “ someone strangled him, he was gasping for air and trying to run the tight hold around his neck... Do you think Jesse can do that? Ben was taller and stronger.. Look at Jesse and remember how Ben was”

And Harry was right, Ben was tall and strong, Ben could defend himself. I knew nothing about the way he died, I knew nothing about what the police said about it.

I just hugged him, he needed that hug, he was
trembling and obviously confused and scared.

“everything will be alright Harry”

Harry just nodded and he didn’t say anything, he wrapped his hands around me and he rested his head on my shoulder.

“ I am scared” he whispered

I hugged him tight “ don’t be.. I am here, okay”

But he said nothing.

I was leaving the campus when I heard someone calling my name, Liam and Zayn were walking towards me

“ where are you going, we are having a training” Liam said

I sighed “ I know... I am just feeling tired”

Zayn said “ no you are not”

And I wasn’t, I was actually feeling ashamed, feeling guilty, I hadn’t met the couch since the last match, I hadn’t talk to anyone of the team, and I was trying my best to avoid them.

“ let’s go, everyone is waiting “

Liam took me from my hand and he dragged me to the locker room.

The coach was there talking to Mike one of the players and then he noticed me, “Tomlinson” he called my name and all the team was looking at me
The coach walked closer “ you finally decided to show up”

I tried to apologise “I am sorry, i had personal stuff”

He nodded and then he said “ okay... “ he looked at the rest of the boys “okay guys... Let’s go, we may have lost the season but we still have games to win”

The team yelled in excitement and they left, I did not, I knew he wanted to tall to me, or I wanted to talk to him.
“ I am sorry coach” I started

He nodded and he said “ I know”

I sighed “I feel so guilty... I am sorry I didn’t talk to you before”

He was watching me “ what happened to you? Because that one who was playing that night wasn’t you”

I nodded “my mind was taken... I know.. I should have
told you to replace me... I was selfish I thought I could control myself ”

Be nodded and then he looked down, he was obviously angry but was trying to contain his anger “was it about a girl? “

“what? “

He looked at me “ was it a girl that caused you to play this bad”

I frowned because what exactly was he thinking of me?

“no... My friend wasn’t feeling okay”

He nodded and looked down “ is he okay now? “

I looked at him and shrugged, he frowned “ who is your friend? Is he one of the team? “ he looked really concerned

I shook my head “no, no... My roommate is the friend”

He nodded “ they curly one”

I smiled and nodded “yup him”

Then I took a moment before saying “coach.. Can I tell you something? “

And I told him all about Ben, Jesse and how I thought Harry might be in danger. I didn’t know why I did that, but all I knew that I needed any possible help, I needed someone to help me and to guide and to tell me what to do. I could trust my coach, he was a good young man, he was a caring person and I wanted to talk to an adult.

After finishing everything and the coach was listening carefully and asking questions, he looked really concerned and then he asked me

“where is he now? “

“Jesse? “


I shrugged “ with Niall I guess, Niall is a friend... They are studying “

“good... He must not be alone”

“do you think he might hurt him? “

The coach shook his head “ just in case. Who ever threatened Ben killed him, and he might think to hurt Harry.. “

I rubbed my hair angrily “ what can I do? We should tell the police”

“police are everywhere Louis... They are trying their best”

“then they should protect Harry”

“according to what exactly... Zayn didn’t tell the police about what he heard, and even if he tried he isn’t sure it was Jesse. And the police already know there were threats, so if you go there and told them anything they wouldn’t take it into consideration “

“so you are saying we protect him”

He sighed “ we don’t have to protect him... We don’t know anything.. But you should surround him with friends all the time. So who ever is trying to hurt him can’t.. That’s if he wants to hurt him”

i slowly nodded “thanks coach”

He only smiled and said “ whenever you need me, you know where to find me”

I returned to the room once the training ended, I opened the room and I found him there lying on his bed staring at the ceiling

“how are you? “ I asked putting my bag down

He looked at me and he didn’t talk, I frowned and walked closer “something happened? “

He sat on the bed “ Jesse happened”

“what? “

He sighed “ he came to talk to me again”


He closed his eyes “ he apologised.. I don’t know what he wants from me. He thought there was something between us... I mean how could he? I was Ben’s boyfriend... How could he think I had any feelings for him”

I sighed and sat beside him “what did you tell him? “

He shrugged “ I didn’t know what to say lou... I mean I told him there was nothing.. But he said.. I should give him a chance.. He begged me.. He cried” harry was lost, looking at me shocked and in tears

“ it’s okay, you told him right? "

He wiped his tears and said “ yeah.. I did.. “

“so he will eventually understand... Don’t worry ”

“but why? What did I do? I was just being there for him, we both were mourning ben”

“I know”

“I don’t think you do.. “

He was angry, but he was angry at himself and that hurt me.

I huffed “don’t do that, don’t get angry”

“but I am angry”

He left his bed “ everything is crashing around me. Like it was not enough to lose the love of my life, not enough that he was killed... Now I have to deal with this”

I was watching him, he was pacing the room extremely anxious and angry, I knew he was blaming himself for breaking Jesse’s heart. But Ben was the love of his life was making me angry, But to be honest I was happy he told Jesse that, I thought maybe he would leave him alone

“Harry, come back here... Have a seat”I said when I saw him squeezing his shirt, he used to do this when he was feeling his heart was beating fast.

“come on... You know what do you need? “

“what? “ he said looking at me

“some fun... Listen the boys are playing tomorrow... What if you come and play with us”

He sighed “ I don’t think I can”

“just join us, if you feel tired then stop”

He finally nodded and sat beside me “ I want mom”

I frowned, he added “ I need to stay at mom’s home, I need her to cook us all the food we like, and I need to lie on my bed watching movies enjoy the warmth of the house, I need Gemma and the girls to join us, that’s exactly what I need”

The fact that he mentioned me with him and my sisters made me smile wide “soon, next month I promise.. It is Christmas anyway”

He lied on the bed “ I can’t wait”

I lied beside him and out hand interlocked

“ do you think it will be over by then? “ he asked looking at our hands

“you mean the case? “

He nodded, I said “of course... I am sure it will end soon very soon”

He didn’t talk anymore, he just kept looking at out hands and then he said

“how is Eleanor? “

I looked at him with questions on my face, he smiled “ she called me this morning asking about you”

i nodded, i didn’t call her since the match, i sent her some texts to apologise but i didn’t meet her or even called her

“ she is worried about you. She told me you have changed and she wants to know why, she thinks you were cheating on her”

I giggled so did he, “I wanted to tell her yeah with me... But I know how her mind works and she would not understand the joke”

I tried to smile, it touched my heart somehow but I didn’t think about it for long, I wasn’t gay, but I know if I was, Harry would be my number one. Harry would be my only one

“call her Lou. Talk to her”

I nodded, cause I had to. Then he wrapped his hands around me and rested his head on my chest “ do you think she is the one? “

I looked at his hair, and I enjoined his warmth, I played with his hair it was not like it was the first time, but that was Harry so cuddly person.

I sighed “I don’t know”

Because no, I didn’t think k she was the one, I loved her, so much, but I never felt she was the one.

“ you don’t? “ he seemed surprised

“do you...think she is the one? “

He didn’t answer that, he just stayed silent.

Then I said “ I like her, she is cool, funny and smart, she likes me and, she laughs at my Jokes, she helps me, she likes my sisters”

“she loves you” he said

I shrugged “maybe... I thought I love her too... But it is not love.. I don’t know what is it, I like staying with her... I like how she understands me... But I don’t think there is more.. I don’t think anything more is gonna happen between us”

He sighed deeply and then he “ then what will you do? “

“nothing .. Maybe something will happen I don’t know”

Then he left my lap and he stood up “where are you going? “

He refused to meet my eyes but he said with weak voice “I need to use the loo”

Then he walked away.

I left his bed and changed my clothes waiting for him to come out, and when he finally opened the door he headed directly to his bed, he lied on it

“good night Lou”

I was surprised and confused, but I didn’t say any word, it always happened when we talk about Eleanor, I knew he was feeling sad about himself so I didn’t talk.

“Night Hazza”


We were playing the game, everything was okay, he looked okay and having fun, he was running and enjoying the game. The game was at the middle and my team was winning, of course he was in my team, Harry was miserable at football and no one wanted him in the team, no one but me of course.

He was playing with Liam and Niall between the two match and I headed to bring him water, when I saw Jesse was staring at him from the inside, no one could see him, and if I didn’t look closer I wouldn’t notice him.
I was fuming and I headed directly to him “ what are you doing here? “

He looked at me surprised, but he did not talk

“are you stalking him now, I guess he told how he feels about you last night. So why are you here”

Jesse looked again at Harry and said “ he plays awful”

“excuse me? “

“but you watch over him all the time.. The way your eyes shined when he scored that goal” he smiled and then he looked at me “ the way your eyes sparkle every time you look at him...”

“what are you even talking about”

He shrugged “it’s okay... He doesn’t know anything, he thinks you are only brothers”

I groaned and I hated how he talked this way with me, he was too cold and too sure about himself, and maybe I yelled at him because he could read me right

“what the hell is wrong with you.. “

He frowned “why are you this angry? “

“I am angry because I hate seeing you watching my friend this way, you are stalking him, you are claiming there is something between the two of you”

He looked again at Harry ignoring me, I stepped closer
“ leave”

He looked at me “why? Are you his guardian? “

I huffed “ leave Jesse you don’t want to try me”

“Well actually I do” then he crossed his arms challenging me.

And what I did next was the stupidest thing I had ever done, I did something that caused a disaster later, a disaster to Harry

“I know what you did Jesse, I know you threatened Ben.. I know you told him you will kill him and his boyfriend.. Is that because he didn’t love you? Because he loved and chose Harry instead “

I expected him to laugh at me, to yell and say bullshits but he frowned deep and then he looked at Harry and then he stepped away and left.

I was shocked because I had no idea what did this mean.

When I returned back the second half started, and we were losing the game, I was still with Jesse in my head and my team was losing. The ball was with Harry when Zayn pushed him while trying to take the ball from him and Harry fell on the ground and flipped two times before lying on his side. He didn’t move. At the start he didn’t move.

I ran to him and Zayn was on the ground shaking him to wake him up.

When I arrived Harry opened his eyes and he groaned “ why did you do that? “

Niall was by his side too and he flipped to be on his back,

“did you break anything? “ Niall asked

I sat beside him and I took his hand, I used to check his pulse without getting noticed but this time Zayn was watching with panic in his eyes, Harry pulled his hand away and he let Niall help him to stand up. I looked at him shocked but Harry was looking at me with anger in his eyes.

Liam yelled “okay Styles? “

Harry raised his finger and we restarted the play again, but this time Harry was avoiding me and avoiding Zayn.

We lost the game. And while we were getting ready to leave, Harry was talking with Niall. But I saw Zayn was walking towards him so I joined them

“are you okay Styles? “

Harry looked at him and nodded, Zayn “are you sure? “

Harry sighed and he noticed me coming towards them, Niall said “okay guys I have to go”

And then he left.

I looked at Harry and he was looking down, Zayn was still worried obviously and he was watching Harry

“stop” Harry whispered

Zayn looked at me with wide eyes, and then he looked down

“is everything okay? “ I asked looking between them
Harry snapped his head up “ I think you know louis”

“what? “

“you told him.. You fucking told him”

I looked at Zayn and he was looking down, then I sighed “Harry”

“no... You promised”

“I know... I am sorry. I was fucking scared Harry, I needed to tell anyone”

Harry shook his head in disbelief and he didn’t talk
Zayn tried “Harry. I am sorry I... “

But Harry glared at him and Zayn stopped “Just don’t tell anyone”

And he walked away.

The ride to our dorm was in silent, he was mad at me but he didn’t talk, I knew why he was made and I knew how he always wanted to keep it as a secret

I stopped the car and turned it off, but he didn’t leave
“Harry.. I am sorry “

He didn’t talk

“Zayn won’t tell anyone, you know Zayn.. He.. “

“will worry all the fucking time “ then he looked at me
“just why? “

I bit my lip and then said “ it happened the next day.. After the game. After you had that shock”

He was staring at me and then he relaxed and rubbed his face, he opened the door and then he walked to the room.

When he was inside the room, I saw him picking his phone and calling someone. He sat on his bed

“yes Doctor, no I am okay “ he was calling his doctor and he was avoiding me, so I walked to the bathroom and pretended being busy, I was washing my face so I didn’t hear what he said, but when I was wiping my face with a towel I heard him saying

“ yeah it hurt, and was directly at the middle of my chest... No I didn’t pass out and I was feeling normal”

My heart raced, because he was describing his fall, and that never happened before, he falls all the time and that was the first time he called his doctor about it

“ yes... Okay I will do that in the morning, thanks doctor bye”

I took few seconds to control my heartbeat and then I went out of the bathroom, he looked at me and then he looked down

“everything okay? “ okay I couldn’t help it

He nodded “but I have to go to the hospital “

I stared at him “ do you feel anything? “

He shook his head “ no, but Zayn knocked me hard... It even left a bruise so I was scared that something could happen to the ICD, so my doctor told me to go to the hospital to check everything “

I nodded and sat on the bed “ so.. Let’s go”

He huffed “I will go in the morning Louis”

Then he left his bed and walked to the bathroom, fifteen minutes later and he was out in his boxer. He dressed his pijama and he lied on the bed

Obviously was still avoiding me

“are you still mad? “


“are you sure? “


I sighed “ you are avoiding me”

He looked at me “ I am not.. I am angry but not at you”

I was watching him, he did looked angry “what is it”

But he gave me his back and said “ good night louis”
I didn’t insist, I didn’t say anything, I just walked and turned the light off.

There was banging on the door, Harry and I woke up gasping, and terrified. I ran and opened the door and there was three police officer, they pushed me inside and they the looked directly at Harry

“Harry Styles? “ one of them asked

Harry nodded his head looking at them panicking, then the same one helped Harry to stand up saying

“ you are under arrest for killing Ben Winslet”

What was said next I didn’t hear, I was looking at Harry who was being handcuffed. He was looking at me with eyes full of dread.

When the officer pushed him to walk he started to cry and call my name, I couldn’t talk, I was just watching. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion. And then they all disappeared. I ran after them and Harry was not talking now, he was looking down and the he was out in the car

“don’t be scared” I finally found my voice, he looked at me from the car crying, I said

“ I will help don’t be scared”

And then the two police cars moved away leaving me toy panic.

Chapter Text

“I just want to see him” I was telling in the police station, in front of me was an officer who was looking at me sadly

“I told you son, I can’t let you do that”

I huffed and rubbed my face “okay, come with me then.. Hear us, he needs his meds”


“give me the meds I will give it to them”

Then I begged “ please, please.. I need to see him.. He needs me he is.. “ I didn’t want to show his weakness, I didn’t want to say he was sick that much, but again he was supposed to see the doctor this morning and my kind was literally going crazy

The officer sighed and she said “ when his mother comes I am gonna let her in, she can tell you how he is”

“please... “

“son, I don’t wanna put you out of the station, but if you didn’t stop what you are doing I am gonna let them out you out and you won’t be able to step in”

I looked at her and I felt helpless, I felt suffocating and suddenly tears formed in my eyes, I let her and I walked to sit at the nearest chair. I was crying because I didn’t know what to do, Harry was accused of killing Ben, we all knew he didn’t do it even the officers knew he wasn’t who did it, he had an alibi didn’t he? I just wanted to know had changed.

I felt hand on my shoulder, I looked and she was the same officer from earlier. She gave me a cup of Coffee and she sat by me

“you didn’t give me his meds”

I shook my head in defeat and put his bottles from my pocket “ he needs them like two hours ago”

She was looking at the drugs and then she looked at Louis “that bad? “

I shrugged and didn’t talk,
"my dad used to have those" I didn't talk, she then put them in her pockets and said “ he looks innocent... But we have a video of him fighting with Ben”

I opened my mouth and couldn’t speak, what was she talking about

“it was the day of the fight but we still looking a t the exact time”

“what video, what are you talking about? He had an alibi.. Our janitor saw him getting in, he didn’t leave”

She sighed and said looking around her first “ the janitor left the building he didn’t know if he stayed or not “

“he stayed... When I returned back he was there sleeping “

“when did you return? “

“around ten.. I guess”

“the murder happened around nine Louis.. He could do it and get home and sleep too”

“he didn’t do it” I was losing my mind

“I know, I know... But we need an evidence “

I took a moment to calm down then I looked at her “I need to tell you something, but first we need to call my friend Zayn.. He saw something “

I was on my bed, very exhausted and tired but my mind was still working, although we told the officers everything we know me and Zayn, and although they promised us Harry will get home soon, although his mom came and assured me he was okay but I still couldn’t see him, I was worried sick about him and somehow I felt guilty.

I heard footsteps outside the room and then when I heard the door was opening I jumped on my feet.
He entered the room, eyes red and glossy, face pale as a white sheet, hands trembling so hard
When he saw me on my feet he ran to me and he hugged me so tight and buried his face in my neck and cried.
I cried with him, because I was so scared, I was so scared that my mind froze and I couldn’t think. I was scared because I knew how scared he was.

I gathered my shit and then cupped his face “ you are okay? “

He shook his head and then closed his eyes
“it’s okay”, he shook his head again “ it’s Jesse.. He did that”

I frowned and looked at him confused, he sighed and said “ he was there, he was with us. I didn’t know he took that video but he was there”

I was still shocked “but why? “

“he wants to sit me up Louis... What did I do to him? What did I miss? “

And I didn’t talk, he didn’t do anything it was me. When I threatened him this morning he wanted to tell me he can hurt us, he can hurt Harry. And he did.
Harry then walked away but he took his handbag, and put it on the bed

“what are you doing? “

He sighed “I going home Louis.. I can’t “

I was still staring at him, he sat on his bed “I don’t feel okay, I need to see my doctor. Mom is waiting down there”

“for how long? “ it was all I could say, but he shrugged “I don’t know. I don’t really know. I can’t do it Lou, I need some rest”

I sat beside him “yeah.. Take all the rest you need”

He closed his eyes and shook his head “what is happening to me? Why? I thought falling in love would be easier “

“you were not in love” I didn’t know how I said it, but he looked at me with wide eyes, but I had to explain myself since I said it

“ I mean.. If you were in love then.. I would know right? I know you... How come I never felt it”

“well maybe because you never felt me” he snapped at me

“what does it mean? “

He huffed and then stood up to pack his needs, but i wasn’t going to let him run this word

“what does it mean? “

“Louis.. Not now”

But i was already angry, “now Harry” I yelled

But he ignored me, I grasped his forearm and made him face me “what does it mean? I never felt you.. How could you say this”

He yanked his hand away “ you said it yourself... You never knew I was in love”

I groaned “ stop saying you were in weren’t “

He chuckled sarcastically “ yeah. And you know”

“I do”.

“cause you always know right? Cause you know everything about me. You know how I feel and I what I feel right? “

Then he shook his head in frustration zipping the bag “you know nothing Louis”

He took his bag and he was leaving but I said “ don’t you fucking say this about me.. Not after what I have done for you. I fucking saved your life today”

He looked at me, I added “ I was the one who brought Zayn to say what he heard “

“because he was fucking coward and he kept his mouth shut”

“because the one you thought was your boyfriend didn’t want to come out, he was the coward one Harry”

But he pushed me yelling “ don’t say that, don’t you dare.. “

I was on the ground and I looked at him with wide eyes, then I jumped on my feet “ really? Are you going hit me now for him? “

“he is dead Louis... Show him some respect “

“well he didn’t give you any.. He didn’t want to come out, he didn’t want to be seen with you.. He didn’t want you to tell me about you... This is not how love works? “

“oh and you know how love works? You are the expert now? You are with your girlfriend for years and you still don’t know when your next step would be”

“what?! What is my next step.. Why do you even care about my next step? At least I know I love her.. I don’t think you know you loved that Ben except after his death”

“shut the fuck up, you know nothing “

“because there is nothing... You knew him for three months and suddenly he is the love of your life? What? Were you that desperate for love? You make it look like he was the one who saved you from your loneliness... That’s funny because I never heard you complaining about it before “

“because you never felt me you fool” he yelled hard

“what exactly you want me to feel? “I yelled back

“you don’t understand.. You will never understand “ but there were tears in his eyes

“understand what? Why are you making everything difficult? Understand what? “

“that I am fucking in love with you” he yelled and then silence

I felt like a bomb exploded in my chest, I looked at him and he was looking down

“what?! What are you saying Harry... But... You? I am not gay”

“he huffed and wiped his eyes “I know... And that was driving me crazy, I kept telling myself that it will never happen... But the more we are together the more pain I feel in my heart.. So yes.. I was desperate to find someone who loves me.. Yes I was lonely because I was the fool who fell in love with his straight best friend”

Then he groaned “damn, I am so stupid.. I shouldn’t have said that... “

He looked at me and I was still in shock, I love him, of course I did and will always do, but not this way, I wasn’t gay

“Harry I.. “

He shook his head “no, no... Don’t say a word. Don’t say anything I... I am not expecting anything from you“

Then he wiped his tears again and said “ I should go”

And he literally ran away, I didn’t stop him I couldn’t because I had no idea what to tell him.

I sat on my bed and then I cried. Because I knew after that moment nothing between us would be the same again, nothing.

I was lying on my bed looking at the ceiling when my phone went off, she was Anne, for a minute I was going to ignore her call, I knew she was calling to ask me what happened. Maybe Harry was angry or very sad, i didn’t know how he was but I was sure he wasn’t okay

“hello Anne”

“Louis.. Help” she was crying and I jumped on my be d

“what happened? “

“Harry is in the hospital.. He fainted Louis and he didn’t wake up.. I don’t know what is happening and no one is telling me anything. Please... “

The world was spinning, I felt dizzy and I could not breath

“they are not telling me anything Lou”

“where are you.. I am on my way”

I was looking for my car keys, and my phone.. Where was that damn phone?

“I will send you the address”

We ended the call and suddenly I noticed the phone in my hand I took my wallet and I rushed outside. I saw Zayn in front of me, when he saw my face he frowned

“Harry is in the hospital “

Chapter Text

“he is okay” Anne said while hugging me tightly
Then she looked ag Zayn and hugged him too.

“what happened? “I asked while trying my best not to cry

“he fainted, they say he was so stressed and was too weak to wake up by himself. He is sleeping right now”

“are you sure he is okay? “ Zayn was the one who asked “i mean I shoved him really hard last night while playing footy I am so sorry”

Zayn was so nervous and Anne must noticed because she took his hand that was trembling and she said “ he is okay, the doctor had checked everything.. I promise “

“I am so sorry” Zayn said and i never expected to see him crying like ever, but here he was crying and not even trying to stop himself

Anne hugged him again “ Zayn it’s okay” then she looked at his face “ how did you know? “

He didn’t answer, “I told him, few days ago”

Anne looked at me, then she frowned “ what happened? “

I sighed “ he received a shock Anne.. “ I heard her gasping but I continued “I am so sorry I know I should have told you. But harry said he knew the reason”

“what? What was the reason” she asked hastily

“he got drunk.. “

“what the hell? What was the wrong with him? “

And I couldn’t answer, because what was the wrong with Harry? I had no idea, why was he acting this way? Was he grieving Ben? Or was he mad at me? Was he even in real love with me? Why did he said that?.

“come on, I will tell you everything “

I had to leave the hospital in the morning, I had to. Zayn literally dragged me out of there, I had a quiz and I couldn’t pass it. Harry was still sleeping and Anne promised she would call if anything happened. And I promised to be there once i finished.

I was walking in the campus to the class when I heard a familiar voice, Niall

I looked at him and he was running towards me, pale and like in a shock

“what happened? “

“don’t worry he is fine. Doctors say he was just stressed”

His eyes became bigger “doctors? What are you talking about? “

I frowned, I was already late and my mind was busy “ aren’t we talking about Harry? “

“yeah.. Who was arrested? “

I sighed, Niall had no idea he left “he was, but they set him free, he was going home with his mom when he fainted and she took him to the hospital “

“oh God” Niall gasped

“Niall, I just told you he is fine. Don’t worry. I am going to him after my quiz”

Niall shook his head “no, I am going now.. What hospital? “

Niall was extremely worried that I thought he might know something. I gave him the address and left immediately for my quiz.

When I returned to the hospital, I saw Anne was sitting outside Harry’s room. I walked to her and when she saw me she smiled and welcomed me

“is he still sleeping? “ I asked looking at the closed room, but she shook her head “no Niall is with him, they obviously wanna talk alone.. So I gave them their privacy.. How did your quiz go? “

I looked at her and pretended smiling, cause I had no idea how my quiz went, I just prayed that I would pass.
“I am gonna see him”

She smiled and I walked to the room, I knocked and I entered. I saw him lying on his bed. My heart squeezed inside of me. He looked weak, I always hated to see him this way, wires were connected to his chest, a clip in his finger, a nasal cannula under his nose. His face was pale, his eyes were like dead, his hair was in a pun but it was messy and his curls were covering his forehead randomly.

He looked at me, our eyes interlocked together for few seconds and then he looked down and he didn’t talk

“Tommo, finally you are here”it was Niall. He was sitting by him on the bed

I tried to smile and walked closer to them “ how are you Harry? “

He nodded his head “I am okay”

I sat on the chair beside the bed, he was still avoiding meeting my eyes and that hurt so bad

“the doctor says he can leave tomorrow “ Niall said

I was still looking at Harry “ is that so? That’s great”

He slightly nodded, Niall looked between us “ are you okay guys? “

I looked at Niall “sure”

Then he looked at Naill “you should leave. You haven’t slept and u know you need some sleep”

Niall stretched his body “ yeah I will, since Louis is here I can go” then he stood up *I will see you at night”

He smiled and nodded, then Niall left.

Once the door was closed I looked at him “are you sure you are okay? “

He sighed deeply “ why are you here? “

And that felt like I was the one who received a shock, I looked at him with wide eyes “what do you mean? “

He huffed “okay, mom called she was scared. I am fine now so you can go”

“go where? Why..” then I sighed “ Harry don’t do that”

He looked at me and didn’t talk, I added “ don’t close in yourself.. Please don’t “

He shook his head and closed his eyes, I sighed and sat by him on the bed

“Harry. Listen about last night, we...” he snapped his head up at him and said “don’t”

I stopped, he said but looked down “ have you told mom? Does she know? “

I shook my head “no, no... I didn’t say anything.. I...”

“good, keep it this way” then he whispered “please”

I was feeling weird, like he was slipping away and I didn’t know how to fix it.

“Harry.. I don’t know what to do”

“don’t do anything “ his eyes were closed, but tears fell down

“Harry. “

“I need to sleep”


“I am tired and I need to sleep”, I was going to talk, but I heard the machine that measuring his heartbeat started to peep fast and I felt my heart dropped.

He didn’t look again at me and I said “okay, you get your sleep and I will come at night”

“don’t “

I bit my lower lip and I hated that things came to this way between us. Till this moment I didn’t think about what he said, I did not have time to think, I didn’t have my mind to think.

I heard what he said but I ignored him and I left the room.

I was trying to study in the library when I saw Eleanor sitting by Gigi few tables away from me, I knew she saw me because our eyes met and then she ignored me.

I walked to her, I owned her the biggest apology ever. When she saw me she took her book and was about to leave

“El.. Stop”

But she ignored me and she walked out of the library. I followed her and I grasped his hand, she looked at me and didn’t talk

“I am sorry” I started, but she shook her head

“I am so sorry. I know I was a jerk, and I know you can barely forgive me but.. Things have been turning into shit around me”

She finally looked at me “and you decided to avoid me really? “

I sighed “ Eleanor.. Please “

“you please, what was that? You fought with me and you didn’t even try to fix it, you fixed your shit with everyone, with your coach, with your team, with Harry... But you didn’t coast your self to talk to me, to answer my phones.. You weren’t going to talk to me Louis, face it you are talking to me cause you saw me.. Not because you needed to” and she started to cry

“El... “

“no... I am not gonna listen to you, I am not. You don’t care about us... What happened? “ she wiped her tears waiting

“nothing happened, you do not know what is happening around me”

“because you are not telling me anything. I am trying to know Louis, you don’t give me a chance”

I sighed “ because I can’t... It is not that easy, it’s complicated “

“it’s about Harry, so why it’s complicated? “

I shook my head “ because I don’t want you to get hurt”

and I didn’t know where did that come from. But her eyes sparkled so I went on

“Harry’s boyfriend was killed, the killer is free and he might hurt Harry, then last night he was arrested.. The killer sent a video of Harry fighting with Ben... Then Zayn and I talked to police about what he heard... Fuck they not him but he collapsed and he is in the hospital now”

She was watching, then I said “ I didn’t called you because I didn’t want you to get attached right now” I was lying but I wasn’t ready for a fight.

She wiped her tears “how is he? Why he is in the hospital? “

I sighed “ he was stressed out, you know Harry and his condition “

“no I don’t.. But is he okay? “

I nodded and didn’t talk, she then hugged me and that felt wrong. But I let her. Then she kissed my lips and said “ I was worried about you”

I nodded “ I know”

“don’t do this to me again” she said

I nodded again and then I looked at my watch “I think I should go, he was tired this morning and we couldn’t talk”

She nodded and then hugged me for the last time, and for the first time in my life I felt there was something wrong, no everything was wrong and I just needed her to go. She kissed me and the she left while I also walked back to Harry believing I was doing something wrong.

I was walking in the hospital corridors heading to Harry’s room, but once I got closer i felt there was something wrong, Anne wasn’t waiting at the chair in front of the room, and the door was opened. I entered but I didn’t find Harry, instead I found a nurse was cleaning the room. When she noticed she asked

“how can I help you? “

“Harry Styles? “

She smiled “oh sweat heart he left like two hours ago”

Left? Wasn’t he leaving the next day? I was shocked and also confused, I thanked her and walked away dialling his mother, but she didn’t answer.

Then I phoned Niall “yes Tommo”

“did you know he was leaving tonight? “ I asked right away, I was angry because I knew he was running away from me

“who? HARRY? No he left? “

I sighed while getting into my car “yeah, two hours ago”

“shit.. No I had no idea Anne didn’t tell me, he didn’t tell me. I am in my way anyway..”

“no, don’t come he is not here, see you later Niall”

I needed the call and sat I side my car staring at the steering wheel. I didn’t know what did that mean? He left without telling me? He didn’t want to see me?
When I was in my room, I tried calling Anne again but she didn’t listen again. I was furious so I decided to take a long warm shower to calm myself down.

When I was under the water it was like everything was clearer, I could think better. I started to remember those moments when Harry was trying to tell me something, when he was trying to show me his true feelings. I always thought he was just being comfortable with me, I thought I was like a brother, I thought I was the one who had different and not understandable feeling for him, feelings I never knew how to identify them so I kept them inside me and Jo one knew. Who was I kidding, I loved Harry, I always did. He was more than a friend, more than a brother, but I didn’t know what he was, I didn’t know he was a lover.

When I returned to my bed, I lied down and stared into the ceiling, my mind was still racing the thoughts and memories, my kind was still trying to fix things, still denying the fact that I might had lost Harry forever.

My phone went off, she was Anne, I answered immediately

“Anne... You left? “

“yes sweaty, you didn’t know? “ she seemed Confused “Harry told me you knew, he told me you couldn’t come because you were trapped in your training”

I didn’t talk, he was really running away from me and that idea was literally knocking the air out of my lungs
“lou.. Are you there baby? Are you two okay? “

I swallowed my pain and tried to sound normally “ yeah, yeah... It just. I... I cancelled my training.. I.. Is he okay? “

“he is sleeping right now, he is very exhausted and he insisted to leave today, you know how much he hates hospital “

“I do”

“I have to go Lou.. Are you sure you are okay? “

I nodded and I didn’t realised I was crying till i felt wetness on my Cheek, I wiped my tears away “yeah, yeah.. I will try to visit you as soon as I can”

“you are very welcome Louis... Now I will have to go, bye sweaty”


I ended the call and I started at nothing, I looked at the phone in my hand and then I called him. He didn’t answer and I tried again, I tried for five times but he didn’t answer. And then I cried.
I always heard people said there were feeling empty, and i never understood what that feeling was. But that day I experienced that feeling for the first time in my life and i couple explain it perfectly.

I wake up the next morning with an ache in my heart, I could swore there was an imaginary elephant sleeping on my chest, I felt I was suffocating and my mind was buzzing. I looked at the bed beside me and I imagined him sitting there scrolling his phone as he just came from his early jogging. I stared at the empty bed and then took my phone it was still early, my alarm hadn’t even went off yet. I sighed and then left my bed. He still didn’t call me, I was going to call him but I am sure he was sleeping and I was sure he wasn’t feeling okay too.

When I left my room I felt nothing, I didn’t care the cold, the people who were smiling at me, I didn’t mind people looking at me and saying shits which I didn’t know what. Then I heard my name was called. Again I didn’t care

Then Zayn stopped me “are you okay? “

I nodded without looking at him, then I walked away, he followed me “is Harry okay? “

I didn’t answer

“ have you seen him? Did you tell him about zack? “

I stopped walking and looked at him “ what about Zack? “

Zayn sighed “ he was arrested last night”

“was he? “

Zayn frowned “you don’t know? Everyone saw him last night”

I nodded “but why, what does this mean ? ‘

Zayn sighed “ I don’t know, it’s something Harry said ”


“yeah, he said Luke was the one who started the rumour, he said Zack was always bothering Ben. I mean man I can’t believe Harry is still defending that idiot, he ignored Jesse and accused zack”

I shook my head because there was something wrong “ are you sure it was Harry? “

Zayn shrugged “yeah, Harry was arrested and when he was free next thing zack was arrested “

“but Harry knew about Zack when he was out. I told him myself, he had no ide who did it”

Zayn frowned “are you sure? “

I nodded surely “yeah.. That was not Harry. I am sure”

Zayn shook his head in disbelief “I can’t believe he is that smart.. I mean he doesn’t look like that, and why does the police let him... I mean first he sent that video of Harry fighting with Ben, and now Zack. You gotta be careful man”

I didn’t talk, I knew he was talking about Jesse, and I was scared to be honest but he gotta stop what he was doing, someone need to arrest him.

I was in the coffee shop next to the campus, I was with Liam and Luke. Luke told us that they were setting Zack free and he was going back next morning. There was something off about Luke but he was a closed person so I didn’t push it. He was close only to Zack.

Zack was his best friend and maybe that was why he seemed distracted.

When Luke left Liam looked at me “ how is Harry? He was at the hospital? “

I nodded but I didn’t talk, Liam said “is it serious? Is it because of the hit Zayn gave him the other night”

I shrugged “I don’t know Liam, he was stressed out that what the doctor said”

Liam was watching me, he knew I was hiding something but he didn’t pressed. He instead sighed

“Why is Zayn late? “while looking at his watch

I was looking at the door waiting for Zayn too when I saw Jesse getting inside like nothing happened, like he didn’t send the video or accused Harry, like he wasn’t the reason Harry was in the hospital, okay I light be the reason but I wanted to believe it was Jesse’s fault
I jumped on my feet and I rushed to him, I pushed him and the Ln grabbed him from his collar

“I knew it was you”

I took him by surprise at the start but then he looked at me and smirked “ what are you talking about? “

“you know what I am talking about? “ I yelled, I felt people were gathering around me and then I felt Liam was calling me name

“you started it” he like whispered to me, and that drove me crazy. He smirked again and said “ I don’t know what are you talking about” then he raised his hands beside him, but kept his smirk. I didn’t understand what he was doing but then it hit me. He was making a scene, or was I making a scene but it was for his advantage .

I put my hands down and I felt Liam was pulling me away but I was still looking at him, and what I saw in his eyes scared the shut out of me, I saw evil. I saw hate. And for a second I felt worried about Harry. Because I knew it wasn’t over.

“this isn’t over” I yelled at him and then Liam pulled me away from him and out of the coffee shop. I was still angry and all my body was shaking.

I took a few steps away from the shop and them I felt my legs couldn’t stand me, I sat on the pavement
“are you okay? “

It was Zayn, I looked in front of me and Zayn, Niall and Liam were looking at me concerned

I sighed and shook my head “I wanna go home”


I was trying to call Harry, I couldn’t sleep that night without hearing his voice, I was worried, scared and angry. But most important I was missing him.
He didn’t answer of course so I called Anne, I begged her to wake h up for me and finally she said she will make him call me.

I waited on my bed my whole body was shaking, never imagined things might be this way between us, between me and Harry. We were inseparable.. He was my Harry.

When my phone went off I answered immediately “Harry”

“what do you want” he said dryly

“you are not answering me”

“I don’t want to talk to you”

I froze in my place and then I covered my mouth, I was crying and I didn’t want him know that

“what do you want so you can stop annoying me? “

I swallowed my tears “ Zack.. Got arrested. We think Jesse did something “

He didn’t talk, “ we don’t think he will stop Harry... Be might..”

“I don’t care” he said to cut me

I frowned and wiped my tears “what? “

“I don’t care anymore. I stopped worrying and you should too. The police will do what they have to do”

I couldn’t find words to say, he added “is there anything else? “

“please, Harry... Don’t do that”

He huffed in the phone “ I need you to stop calling mom.. And stop calling me Louis. We are over”

And then he ended the call.

I literally collapsed on my bed and I did nothing. I didn’t cry or think, I just lied there till I feel asleep.

Next two days, I didn’t wake up. I mean I didn’t want to wake up. I lied on my bed doing nothing. I ignored all my phones. I had a match at this evening and I knew disappearing was bad specially with the absence of Zack. So when the time came I dressed and I went to the match.

When I entered the locker room, I heard Liam saying “ thanks God. “

Then coach looked at me, he didn’t talk he just nodded his head and I walked to him

“are you okay? “ he asked

I nodded “ yeah, fine.. “

“can you play tonight? Give me the truth”

“yes, yes I can”

He smiled and patted my shoulder “good. Now go and get ready”

But before I walked away I saw Zack was talking to Luke “Zack is here? “

The coach looked behind him at where Zack was sitting “yeah.. He is here, but he is not playing tonight”
I nodded and I walked to Zayn and Liam

“They set Zack free” I said

Zayn nodded and Liam said “two days ago, he is innocent, they were asking him about the rumours and if Ben ever talked to him”

I shook my head in frustration and I slammed my closet shut “ why they just don’t arrest him and we get over with”

Zayn said “ because it is not easy. He had a good alibi, he was in his room, the janitor saw him, his neighbour confirmed that. He didn’t leave his room”

I shook my head “it’s him.. It has to be him”

Then the coach said yelling “come on.. Come on.. Let’s go”

We played good, we won but not thanks to me. I did my best but I didn’t score anything. But I wasn’t distracted, I just felt tired and my body was weak.

I was having my shower when I heard the boys were leaving the room. Then I heard

“Louis... We have to go” it was Zayn

I said “then go... I will leave to my room anyway “

“no I will wait for you”

“just go Zayn.. Take Liam with you. I will be fine”

Then I heard Liam saying “ alright.. Call us if anything happened “

Then I heard them leaving.

I was drying myself, wrapping the towel around me when I heard like foot steps at the locker room.
“who is it? “ I said loud but no one answered
I left the bathroom, the locker room was dark, I could barely see anything. But I still heard the foot steps

“hello? Who is it? “

Again I got no answer, I walked to where the lights. And then I turned it on.

I searched the place with my eyes but I didn’t see anyone. Then I walked to my locker and there I froze. There was a paper in it says “ you are next”

I took the paper and looked around me, then I ran to see outside the room. There was no one. I returned hastily and dressed my clothes and then I left to my car.

I stayed inside looking around, maybe I could find anything. I stayed for ten minutes but i lost hope. Who ever out this paper left. I shook my head angrily and then my phone went off.

I picked the phone, I thought it was Zayn or Liam making sure I was okay, I was awful earlier and I still didn’t have the talk with them.

But she was Anne.

“hello Anne? “

She was crying “ I am sorry Louis... But I don’t know what to do”

I turned into worried mode “what is it? “

“it’s Harry. He is locking himself in his room ever since we returned from the hospital, he doesn’t eat and he pretend sleeping all the time. I am worried”

I nodded and closed my eyes “ he is sad Anne and scared give him some time”

She sighed and said “ I know... But I have never seen him like this. He is crying all the time Louis. He is pushing everyone away even Gemma, she came this morning and he didn’t talk to her or even let her see him”

I was biting my lower lip “ how can I help Anne? “

“can you please come.. You are the only one who can talk to him”

Not anymore, but I didn’t say it, I needed to see him badly so I just said “ I will be there as fast as I can”

“thanks Louis”

When I arrived it was 1 AM, I parked the car and looked at the house that I used to spend most of my times when we were younger, when everything was better. When he was still loving me.

I knew he stopped loving me, I knew he probably was gating me for what I did. But I believed that I still had a chance to make everything right. But how? I didn’t know.

I didn’t want to tell him I loved him too, I was still not sure, not ready, not brave.

I knocked the door and Gemma was the one who opened, she hugged me tightly and she let me in. Anne was in the kitchen and they were obviously waiting for me.

Anne hugged me and said “ he is the same”

I nodded and asked “ he is in his room?”

Anne nodded and I was going up when Gemma said “ he is bit himself.. He is somehow very angry”

She was warning me, but I gave her a smile to reassure her. And then I climbed up to his room. I knocked on his door and said “Harry, open up it’s Louis”

I got nothing. I saw Anne and Gemma by the corner of my eyes waiting at the stairs.

I knocked again “ Harry we need to talk”

Again nothing, I knocked again and I was going to talk when the door was opened and he was glaring at me with fire in his eyes

“what the hell are you doing here? “ he was yelling

“I need to talk to you”

He yelled again “ and I don’t need to talk to you... Why don’t you get it”

He walked inside his room, but I entered and closed the door behind me ignoring Gemma and Anne who were still watching us.

“what is the wrong with you? “

He turned to face me “ don’t you dare fucking asking me this”

“what do you want me to do Harry? Is this the answer? Pushing me away is the answer”

“yes “ he yelled again “ it might move the pain away”

“what pain? “

He shook his head angry “ you will never understand Louis.. Just leave me the fuck alone.. Forget about me, forget what I said and just leave”

I hated how he talked to me, I hated how he was determined that I should leave

“well I can’t just forget... We need to sit and talk, “

“and say what exactly? “ he looked at me with tears in his eyes “I shouldn’t have said that to you... I spoiled everything.. “

“you didn’t “ I walked closer to touch him but he yanked my hand away “ I did. I can’t.. We can’t be friends anymore”

“why? “ I was panicking

“because I will always want more Louis.. Because I always wanted more, and I was like addicted to get hurt by you all the time but I just can’t.. I had enough. Let the end be the end”

Now I yelled “ it’s not the fucking end Harry... Don’t say it’s the end”

He groaned and he stormed and opened the door “leave me alone”

But I didn’t move “no”

But he pulled me stronger and pushed me out of the room, Anne and Gemma were there waiting once they saw me trembling outside his room, Anne yelled his name

He looked at her “ I told you i am fine, I told you not to call him mom, what the fuck is wrong with you”

Anne “ baby he is your friend “

“was.. He was my friend... This fucking friendship has come to an end... Why are you so stupid.?”

It was Gemma who yelled his name, he looked between the three of us and he stormed inside his room and slammed the door shut “ leave me the hell alone”

We all stared at the closed door. Tears were filling me eyes, I had never seen him like this, not ever. And what hurt the most was I knew I was the reason for all this pain that I saw in his eyes.

I felt Gemma taking my hand and we all went down stairs where we sat in the kitchen. Anne gave me a cup of tea and her eyes were red. She was worried about her son, we all were worried

“okay, who is Ben? “ Gemma asked

“he told me about him last month but I didn’t know it was that serious “ she added

I sighed and looked at the vapour that was coming out of my cup, they thought his tantrum was about Ben. It was about me

“his boyfriend? “ I said

She frowned “ you seem not sure “

I shrugged “ he told me about it when Ben was dead”

“you mean killed” Anne said, then she rubbed her face “ this is a nightmare Louis. What is happening to him”
I couldn’t talk, Gemma asked “ I heard the killer is still free”

I nodded, “ does Harry have any clue who could be the killer? “

I shook my head “ I don’t think so.. Listen guys. He is very scared right now. I mean he was arrested last week and then his condition wasn’t very good”

“that’s why he needs to calm down.. That’s why we called you, we thought you could help. What happened between you two? “

I only shrugged and looked again at my cup. Anne sighed “I have to sleep. I have work early morning.. I made the spare room for you just in case”

I shook my head and stood up “no I need to leave”

Anne frowned “I can’t let you drive in this way, you just arrived”

I smiled “ I am okay, I have an assignment tomorrow morning. I need to be there I can’t stay” okay I lied, but I couldn't stay


“trust me Anne I will be okay “ I hugged her and then I hugged Gemma and walked to the door.

I was in front of my car when Gemma who was walking behind me said “ what happened? “

I looked at her, she said “ with you? He never talked to you this way”

I nodded “ I guess he is made at the universe”

She nodded but obviously she did not believe me, I entered my car and then she said “ what did you do to him Louis? “

I looked at her shocked, what did I do? Me?

I shook my head “nothing “

But I did something, I broke his heart, he was heartbroken and he was in a mess because of me. I did that, I was the reason for all that. But I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even believed it. So as always I denied it and I left away.

Chapter Text

Two days later after meeting Harry, I entered my room after my football training and gasped. It felt like someone had stolen it. Or stole him. All his stuff were gone. His clothes, his boots, his books.

I was frozen for a moment then I nearly knew what happened but needed to make sure.

I put my bag on the ground and called Niall


Just Hello, not a hello Tommo

“Harry is with you? “ I asked pacing the room

“yes” he said hesitated, I nodded and sighed.

For a second I felt dizzy and sat on my bed “ you don’t want him to know you are talking to me? “

I heard Niall sighing “I will call you later okay? “


Then we ended the call.

I lied on my bed and I didn’t do anything. Just lied there watching the ceiling like I used to do recently. And then it hit me. I couldn’t stay at my room this way. I felt suffocating and I needed to breath.


Once I opened the door I saw Eleanor in front of me, and no I wasn’t ready

“where are you going? “ she asked while entering the room, I didn’t ask her to get in

“out” I said

She looked at me after looking at the half empty room, she asked with her eyes

“ he moved out”

“are you kidding me? Harry moved out? “


“what could possibly happen between the two of you? “

I huffed “ what do you want El? “

She frowned but gladly she didn’t pressed on it she walked closer to me “ I missed you” she hugged me but I put her hands down and said “listen... I am not in a good mood”

She got closer again and she kissed me, she was trying to touch me but I stepped away and snapped at her “I said I am not in the fucking mood”

She looked at me with wide eyes, she felt embarrassed and she swallowed her insult and walked to the door.
She stopped at the door and said “when you are ready, I need to talk to you”

And then she left. I groaned angrily, and waited till i made sure she left.

I went out of the building and I started running. I ran and kept running till I felt fire in my lungs. But I wanted to run. I wanted from everything, from everybody. From my feelings and my anger. From my pain and hurt. My heart was hurting and my head was killing me. And I wanted just to hug him. Just that.

I found myself standing outside Niall’s building. I knew seeing him at that moment would make it worse so I just waited outside. I didn’t know for how long, but when I was about to leave. I saw him.

He Was getting out with Niall, he was laughing with him. He looked better in fact and I felt again pain. They didn’t see me I hid well and I watched them passing me. It was bad feeling. And I just didn’t want to see anymore so I left.
I didn’t see Harry again, for the next three days I didn’t. I also didn’t call him. I knew he might was expecting a call, but when Niall told me what happened I didn’t want to talk to him. He didn’t tell Niall anything, just he wanted to leave because I was controlling him? That was his say. And I knew it wasn’t true but at least it was enough for Niall and the boys to shut them up.

I was leaving the locker room, I didn’t tell anyone about the threat I had. I didn’t have time at the start and then i forgot. I was walking to my way to the room. When I felt a sudden pain in my head. Someone hit me. I collapsed on the ground and then I felt a sting in my neck

“Hay you... What are you doing? “

I heard that, someone yelled. Luke yelled I guess that was him. And then I closed my eyes. And dark was everywhere.

I felt someone was shaking me strongly, patting my cheeks I opened my eyes and I saw Harry above me. He was looking at me with panic written all over his face. But what was happening? What was I doing here? And why couldn’t I feel anything?

“are you okay lou? Look at me... Hay hay.. Don’t close your eyes again please “

I opened my eyes again and he was crying, why was he crying? Why couldn’t I move a muscle.

I tried to talk but I was too weak, I tried to raise my hand to stop him from crying but I couldn’t. He was yelling at someone asking him to call an ambulance.

He looked at me again and said crying

“please... Please baby.. LOUIS.. don’t close your eyes”

I really tried, I wanted to assure him, I didn’t want to scare him but I could not open my eyes anymore. Then darkness again.

When I opened my eyes next thing, I didn’t know where I was. I was lying on a bed. Not so comfortable one though. I heard peeping sounds and then I looked beside me and there was hair at me hand. Brown long curls. Someone was sleeping by me. Not anyone I knew that hair.

I moved my hand to shake that hair but I felt so so weak like I could barely control it, I tried to move my leg but I felt the same and I panicked

My heart started to peep louder and I was hyperventilating. The hair moved and Harry looked at the machine. Then at me. In a second he turned into alert state. He jumped on his feet and he out his hand on my chest

“hay, hay calm down. You are okay.. LOU.. you are okay? “

I tried to calm but I couldn’t. He looked around him, he didn’t want to leave me but I was scaring him so he ran outside the room. And few seconds then I saw two men in white Coates and two in blue scrubs walking towards me. An oxygen mask on my nose and then again I welcomed the darkness.
When I opened my eyes again. It was morning. I was more calm, first thing I did was Tring to moved my hand. It did moved.

“you are awake? “ I heard a raspy voice. I looked beside me and a Harry was sitting at the chair looking at me with big eyes

“what happened? “

I asked.

He stood up and walked closer to me “ how do you feel? Are you okay? “

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, I felt the nasal cannula under my nose, then I said “ my head hurts”

I touched my head and I felt there was a bandage around it

“you were hit on your head”

I frowned and looked at him, he sat in the chair and he looked so pale.

“someone attacked you. Then he shut you with some paralysing drug”

I didn’t talk, he sighed “ propofol to be accurate”

“I can’t remember anything “

Harry looked down and I noticed his hand were shaking, I asked “ do we know who did it? “

He shook his head but he did not look at me, “are you okay? “ I asked him.

He was going to ask when the door was opened, Zayn and Liam entered.

Liam was the first who talked “ thanks God you are okay”

He hugged me tight, and when Zayn was hugging me Harry left the chair and walked to the bathroom
Zayn looked at me “how do you feel? “

I shook my head “ I was attacked? “

Zayn nodded and then they sat at the chairs next to the bed, they liked extremely pale, shaking, something else was happening

“guys I am okay, really”

“yeah, yeah.. “Liam said looking at anything but me, zayn was looking down

“okay what’s wrong? “I asked, and when I got no answer I groaned “ guys”

“something happened “ Zayn finally looked at me and said, I knew right away there was something bad happened. And my heart skipped a beat

“Luke was found dead at the bathroom of the locker room” Zayn said

I felt the world was spinning around me

“what? “ it was Harry who said, leaning on the wall. I looked at his face and i knew what was happening, he was going to pass out

“guys.. Help him” I said to the boys but still looking at Harry who was swaying and looking down.

I saw Liam was supporting him, I he put him on the chair he was sitting at few minutes before while Zayn was staring at him very nervous

“Harry, are you okay? “I asked

But he looked at Liam “Luke is dead? “

Liam looked at me for instructions but I said “ yes.. Harry.. Are you okay? “

He put his hand on his chest and I freaked out, he said “that was him? “ he was talking to himself

Liam then asked “ did you see anything Harry? Last night when you found Louis? “

And wait!! What!! He found me.

Harry’s face contoured in pain and then he tried to take a deep breath

“I didn’t know it was him. I heard someone yelling but I couldn’t recognise the voice”

“Harry? Why did you come? “ I asked him still watching his hand squeezing his shirt

He looked back at me and then he closed his eyes, he was trying to calm down and take some deep breathes.

“I came to see you. I know I was rude last time and I wanted to apologise “

I nodded

“but I was obviously late, there was no one in the locker room, but I knew you were still here since your car was still outside. So I headed to the car, but I heard a scream, and someone was yelling then a thud. I didn’t know what was that but I ran to the voices, and I found you... Lying on the ground barely conscious.. I tried to call anyone to help.. But there was no one. Then i called the ambulance and waited by you”

Then silence

Liam was the one who talked first “ you didn’t see anything.. Or anyone.. “

He was trying to remember “no.. I don’t think I did. I mean I was just trying to keep Louis awake with me... And I totally forgot about the one who yelled.. Was it Luke? “

Liam shrugged and then I felt three pairs of eyes were looking at me

“what?! I don’t remember anything “

Liam and Zayn sighed while Harry got abstracted, I looked at him “ what is it? “

He looked between us “ what about Jesse? “

Zayn shook his head “ he is in the hospital since Thursday “

“that’s two days ago why? “

“food poisoning” Zayn said

“so it wasn’t him? “ I asked, “are you sure? “

Zayn shrugged “ he was in the hospital.. We don’t know anything else “

Liam looked at his watch “ okay, we have to go.. Coach wants to see us all”

“he came while you were sleeping “ l Harry said
Liam continued “ he is very devastating, Like is dead, Zack is losing his kind, you are in hospital... He is thinking of cancelling the next game”

Zayn said “of course he will, one of his players is dead and the other was attacked”

Then silence.

I looked down, and then I realised what Zayn said, Luke was dead, no Luke was killed. And his body was found at the locker room. Maybe the coach himself was the one who found it. Luke.. The calm and the kindest one if the team, the one who would barely feel his presence but also his presence made us feel comfortable.

Luke... The best one at scoring, Luke the guy who never lost his smile.

“let’s go” Liam finally said and Zayn stood up. They both patted my shoulder and I could see in their eyes how grateful they were to see me alive.

When they left the room, I looked at Harry, he was still sitting on the chair looking down.

“ how do you feel? “I asked

He looked at me “ how do you feel? “

I smiled “ at least I feel my body now”

He nodded then he said “ Louis.. “


“it’s Jesse”

I was watching him “ they just said he is in the hospital “

He shook his head “ remember that day, when I was sleeping at their room. When you thought I took my anxiety pills” I nodded, he then added “ I think he did something to me that night”

Then he looked at me “I mean.. Now I can remember. I saw something that night. Drugs.. Large number of drugs and I had no idea what were they for, he told me he gets sick easily.. But I saw that Propofol. I didn’t know what was it for..but when the doctors say what happened to you... I remembered”

“shit “

He looked at me as shocked as I was “ it’s him”

Then the door was opened and Eleanor entered rapidly, she jumped on my bed and she hugged me tightly, I hugged her back and then looked at Harry, and I saw pain in his eyes. He looked down when our eyes met, and then he stood up.

“where are you going? “ I asked

He refused to look at me “ I will bring some coffee”

Eleanor said “ OK bring me some Harry”

He looked at her and he struggled to give her his fake smile and then he left the room.

Eleanor looked at him “are you okay baby? I was so worried about you”

I nodded but I couldn’t talk, I was still thinking of how Harry looked hurt. Then I started to remember every time we met while he was there. I never looked at his face and even if I did, I would never understand.
“Louis.. Are you okay? Does it hurt? Do you know what happened? “

I finally sighed and put her hand away from me, she frowned and looked at me confused, but I didn’t talk, I didn’t know what to say but i wanted her to leave.
She looked at me with a frown all over her face then she said “ Did you hear about Luke? “

I nodded, she asked “ do you have any idea if what might happen? “

I shook my head because I wasn’t ready to talk to her about what I was thinking. Then the door was opened I thought it was Harry but it was Zack

“Tommo, thanks god”

He moved closer and patted my thigh then sat on the chair

“how do you feel? “ he asked

I nodded “ how do you feel? “

He shook his head and said “ angry.. I mean luke is dead, he was killed and your friend is the reason “

I was confused “what friend? “

“Harry fucking styles “ it was when Harry entered the room Carring two coffee cups, he froze in his place and said “ what did I do? “

But it happened too fast, Zack left his seat and jumped on Harry, he grasped him from his collar and trapped him on the wall yelling at his face, the coffee was on the floor

“it was your fault "

I was surprised, even Eleanor who left the bed and tried to stop Zack,

“he is dead because of you.. First you told them I started the rumour and now you killed Luke”

“what? “ Harry was completely shocked, I wanted to leave the bed to stop Zack but I couldn’t, I felt dizzy and I fell back on the bed, Eleanor rushed to help me and to lie me down

“Zack... Stop” I said but Zack didn’t

“you will pay for it Harry, they will know”

But Harry yanked Zack’s hand away “what the fuck are you saying? Do you think I killed him? He was my friend for God sake, I knew him since I was ten”

And that was true. HARRY used to know Luke when he was visiting his father here in London when he was a child. They weren’t close but they were okay.

“then why did you killed him? “ Zack said PUSHING harry again

Harry yelled “ I didn’t... What is the wrong with you”

“you accused me.. You killed Ben and you were trying to accuse anyone. Luke knew it, he threatened you and you killed him”

“what????” Harry was so confused

“he called you Harry, don’t you dare lie to me”

“he did... But I didn’t answer, I thought he wanted to apologise for what he did... I was angry at you.. At the two of you Zack you said things you weren’t suppose to say”

“and that’s why you killed him”

“stop saying I killed him, I didn’t kill anyone... “

“he was going to meet you, I was on the phone with him and he said he had to tell you something”

Harry was crying “i never saw him that night”

Zack was yelling and crying too “ he wanted to tell you something “

Harry wiped his tears and calmed a little “ and you just assume I killed him.. Why would I kill him Zack? Please... You know I didn’t “

Then Zack didn’t talk again, maybe the tune Harry used, maybe the innocence and the honesty his eyes carried convinced Zack. But Zack just whispered sorry and he left the room.

Harry then took a shaking breath and he sat on the chair shaking

Eleanor finally said “ I am gonna get someone to clean that” and she left the room too.

Harry hid his eyes with his hands and his whole body was shaking strongly

“ stop crying Harry” I said

He looked at me “ I have to do something “

I frowned “why you? “

“because everything is somehow related to me. I have to talk to him.. I have to ask him to stop”

My heart literally skipped a beat “ didn’t you dare Harry. Don’t you dare do this.. “

He shook his head “ I have to”

“no.. No you don’t “

He jumped on his feet “ he attacked you.. He was going to kill you Louis. He knew what he was doing. He chose a spot where there was no cameras.. If it was Luke who saw you and yelled at him... Then Luke saved your life and list his.. He killed Ben, Luke. He attacked you and almost killed you.. Who is next”

I was crying because I was so scared “ I don’t care but not you”

He loves you looked at me, I said “promise me.. You won’t go, you won’t talk to him, if you see him you will run away.. Harry promise me”

But he looked down, I said with a cracking voice “ Harry, promise me I can’t leave this bed to stop you.. You are scaring me”

He shook his head still looking down “ don’t talk to me like this”

“what? “

“that’s why I can’t... That’s why I always wanted more”

I understood what he meant, but I loved him, and I was too scared that he might get hurt or worse

“Harry. We will talk.. “

He shook his head again “no, no we don’t have to”

“but I want to, i need to tell you things Harry. But I need to get out of the hospital first”

He didn’t talk, I reached my hand for him, he looked at my hand and then he interlocked our hands together
I looked at his face, he was crying but looking at our hands “promise me.. You won’t do anything “

He slowly nodded, I said “ promise me Harry”

“I promise “

I finally closed my eyes and squeezed his hand softly.
“i have to go” he said, I looked at him then he said “I need my meds.. I didn’t take them”

I nodded “yeah, yeah.. And stay with Niall okay? “

He nodded again.

He left my hand and I missed the touch already, I said “ be careful please “

And then he nodded and walked away.
I was sleeping, but I felt a sting in my neck, I opened my eyes and I saw Jesse staring back at me, I tried to move but I couldn’t move a muscle


He was watching me then he smirked “ don’t.. You won’t be able to move for more than four hours.. Thats enough time for me to do what I want”

I was trying to talk, to move, but I felt trapped at my body I tried to yell at him but nothing.

He was watching me, then he said “that’s very funny Louis. The two of you.. I never noticed before but you are too interesting. Two in love and both insist to deny it. You love him he lives you but you know what... If you were together I will never get to meet him. I mean he is so different, attractive and lovely”

Then he sat on the chair while I was still fighting to move.

“Ben didn’t deserve him.. You don’t deserve him”

He then sighed “ anyway.. I gotta go. And when you wake up.. You will never find me... You will never find us”

And then he left. I was too scared, I knew if I closed my eyes I will never remember we had this conversation. I needed to remember, I needed to save Harry, I shouldn’t have closed my eyes. But I did.

Chapter Text

I woke up next morning feeling banging in my head, i could barely open my eyes but I heard some noises. I heard someone talking. Harry was talking on the phone.

I looked beside me with struggle and I saw Harry sitting beside me on the chair, a phone in his hand and he was talking.

“Hazza.. “ I nearly whispered, and he looked at me right away, except he wasn’t harry, he was Zayn.

He ended his call “ morning Tommo... Finally”

I squeezed my eyes shut, my head hurt badly and my eyes were sensitive to the light, “what is wrong! “ Zayn asked

“my head is killing me”

“OK, I will call a nurse”, I heard him walking away and then he returned. He sat back and then said “that was your grandma. She was asking about you. Harry told us they don’t need to know what happened “

I opened my eyes again and nodded. That was better for all of us. I couldn’t stand worrying them about me, not after everything they were through.

Then the nurse showed up,

“good morning, sweaty, how do you feel today? “

I tried to talk “ my head.. “

She frowned and then she rubbed my hair softly, then she examined my blood pressure, and then my blood sugar. My heart beat. But her face was mixed with confusion and worry.

She looked at me “ have you slept well last night? My friend was checking on you, she says you didn’t wake up at all”

I shrugged but didn’t talk, she sighed “ okay, I will give you something for you headache.. You will be okay”

She did, and then she walked with a frown all over her face.

Zayn said after few minutes “ feeling better? “

The meds was getting in to me, I could open my eyes but the headache was still there “yeah”

He smiled, then he asked “ what happened last night with Zack? “

It took me a minute to remember, he said “ Gigi told me he was thinking it was Harry? “

I nodded and sighed, I remembered “yeah.. He attacked him”

Zayn shook his head “ he is an idiot”

“where is he? “ I asked

“i haven’t seen him since two days... “

“Harry.. Where is he? “

Zayn shrugged “ I don’t know. He wasn’t here when I came. And that was two hours ago”

I frowned but then said “ call him “, I remembered what he told me last night, I remembered how he wanted to have a talk with Jesse. But he promised, and he always kept his promises.

Zayn tried but he got no answer, so he shrugged “ he must be sleeping Tommo, he is not answering”

I nodded, but I felt there was something wrong. Then the door was knocked and opened and my coach entered looking at me with huge concern

“how are you doing Tommo? “ he asked while standing in front of me

“better” I said

He smiled and sat by my side on the chair that Zayn left for him, he looked at Zayn “ how are you Malik now? “

And I frowned looking at Zayn. He hesitantly nodded and then he said “ I am gonna bring me something to drink”

Then he disappeared.

I looked back at the coach, he was still looking at the space where Zayn was standing

“what’s wrong with him? “ I asked

He looked back at me with a weird look, then he sighed “ they didn’t tell you? “

And my heart stopped, I couldn’t ask because I wasn’t ready to hear anything else

“about Luke? “ he asked

I was still holding my breath but I nodded, the coach added “ he was the one who found the body”

And I gasped. That was a lot, but also explained a lot, he wasn’t okay, he wasn’t himself.

The coach then put his hand on my thigh “ he was screaming non stop, had a huge panic attack. He was hanging on me like his life depended on me”

I couldn’t imagine, I could never imagined seeing Zayn this way, that was scary, and was too much.

“how is Harry? “ the coach asked

I looked at him “he is OK....”
then it hit me, I remembered, I remembered everything. Jesse’s visit, his talk about Harry.. I remembered and I started hyperventilating

“what? What’s wrong” the coach asked me panicking, he was trying to touch me to calm me down, but I was panicking, I knew something bad happened to Harry
“tell me what hurts” he said shouting, but I couldn’t talk yet. Then I heard Zayn’s voice “Louis.. Just talk to us”

I looked at Zayn with panic and out of breath “ Harry... “ I gasped

“what.. What’s wrong with him? “

Then I looked at the wires connected to me, then I started to remove them with Zayn and the coach protesting

Zayn put his hand on mine “what are you doing.. Please “

I looked again at Zayn, while all the wires were out of my body now “Harry.. Something is wrong with Harry”

He asked panicking too “ what? Is it his heart? “

And I froze. His heart. I forgot about his heart. What if Jesse did something lead to disaster. What if his heart couldn’t take it. What if he... Died too?

I jumped on my feet although I was swaying and Zayn was supporting me, but I couldn’t stay here. The coach entered the room I didn’t know when did he left, then he rushed to me “what are you doing? “

“Harry.. “ I said again.

The coach shook his head “ you can’t leave now... You just can’t Louis.. I will go and check on him myslef”

I shook my head, but I cried begging him “ please.. Please “

He looked at Zayn who was also with tears in his eyes “ what is he talking about? “

Zayn shrugged “ I don’t know.. But I think something is wrong with Harry, I am trying to call him ever since morning, and Niall just called me saying he hadn’t show up since last night”

And that was it, I was still leaning on Zayn but I felt my knees couldn’t stand anymore, then the coach said to Zayn “ bring him his clothes.. We are leaving. I couldn’t find any doctor around”

I could barely remember how the trip outside the hospital went, but I remembered there was talking, a lot of talking, and then I was suddenly in the car moving away with only Zayn.

When I started to gain my awareness I looked at Zayn “where are we? “

He looked at me and he was shaking “ to the way to the dorm. Niall says he can’t find him anywhere.. What happened Louis? “

I tried to calm down “ Jesse... He came last night, he again injected me with something and I couldn’t move. He said he will do something to him.. I have no idea what exactly but I am sure it’s not Okay” I was struggling to finish my words

Zayn stopped the car “ he is not with Niall, he is not with Liam, the girls haven’t seen him. I asked Liam to go to Jesse’s room and no one was there actually the janitor of the building said he hadn’t showed up last night”

I rubbed my still aching head “ it’s true, it is happening “

Zayn sighed “ I am sure Harry is okay, he is strong.. Jesse will have no chance “

“he will drug him..” I said, then I added “ he will feel paralyzed.. He won’t be able to move.. He doesn’t have a chance”

Then I looked at Zayn “ take me to my room Zayn... I think I will pass out”
In my room, I had to try the least thing in my kind although I knew the result but I had to do it to make sure.

I called Anne. I asked her about Harry’s condition and what the doctor said, I didn’t want to scare her and tell her Harry was missing, she said he was stable but he needed rest and to take his meds regularly and in time, then she said he called her five hours ago and told her he was doing okay but feeling a little tired, And I suddenly jumped on my feet

“called you? “ I almost gasped

I saw Zayn was looking at me with big eyes
Anne said “ yes... But he wasn’t okay though. He was so sad or something”

I was trying to keep calm “what did he tell you Anne? “

“the regular Louis, he always calls me at the same time, that was the deal.. “ then she sighed “ Louis.. What is it? Are you still angry at each other? Aren’t you together? “

Together where?

I sighed “no, no.. Okay.. I will call you later”

“okay and Louis.. “ she said before I ended the call “ don’t let him swim for long, you know how he gest around water and the doctor told me not hard work”

“water? “

“aren’t you having a camp by the sea? “

And the hell “what? “

“he told me that the football team was going into a camp by the sea.. I heard loud waves and I didn’t get it. So aren’t you with him? “

I didn’t know how to answer that, but I had to give her a convincing answer “yeah... Yeah.. I am gonna be there soon, he is with Liam and the other. I am still in London.. “

“okay... I have to go” and thanks God she ended the call without any other question.

I was frowning and trying to think deep, a camp by the sea? Was Harry trying to tell us where he was

“what did she say? “ Zayn asked me

I looked at him “ he called Ann.. He told her he was in a camp with the football team.. By the sea”

“the sea? “

I nodded but my heart was racing, that was a code message, it was a code message for me. He knew I would call his mom to ask her, he knew I might understand.. But what sea?

“do you think he needs us to know something? “, Zayn asked

I took a deep breath and then I said “we need to tell the police”

Zayn said “ the coach has already done that, he is on his way”

I shook my head and stood up again, I was still dizzy but I also couldn’t just stay there doing nothing.
“where to? “

“I can’t stay here doing nothing Zayn I just can’t “ the tears formed in my eyes

Zayn walked and stood up me “ he will be okay Tommo”

“ how Zayn... How? He killed two people.. Two fucking healthy people. I can’t just imagine what he is doing to him.. I am too scared Zayn and I keep thinking something bad is going to happen”

Zayn was watching me helpless. All he did was just patting me shoulder and then he took his jacket “let’s try looking again”

When we got inside the car the back door was opened and then Niall jumped in, we looked at him and we saw how panicked he was

“ are you okay? “ asked Zayn

But Niall didn’t say a word, I looked at Zayn and my eyes told him to move. We wandered in the street and Zayn drove to every possible pace where Harry could be. We asked everyone who could possibly knew him. No one had seen him, no one heard from him.. We got nothing.

Finally Zayn parked his car at a random place, and we all remained silent.

“I will kill him” Niall finally said

We didn’t talk but Niall said “ that fucking bastard I should have known he was after something, the was Harry acted I should have known .. “

I looked at him “ what? “

Niall looked at me with wide eyes then he said “ when Jesse came to take him last night, I thought he was just scared, he just had left the hospital said he had a food poisoning and Harry went to stay with him a little. He asked about you ... “

“Niall he was the one who attacked him” Zayn said
Niall looked between us with big eyes “ what? “

I sighed “ Harry didn’t tell you? “

“tell me what? What is going on? “

“where do you think Harry is? “

Niall again looked between us “ he is with Jesse”


“cause he wants something from him... Obviously he is obsessed with him.. What is going on lads? “

“do you know Jesse is a suspect for killing Ben? “
He nodded “but he didn’t do it”

“why are you so sure? “ I asked angry, he just shrugged but his eyes were full of dread “ they were roommates, they were best friends.. Why would he kill Ben? “

Zayn groaned “and Luke”

“he killed Luke? “ he gasped, I nodded “ that what we think, Niall why are you here with us? “

Niall frowned “ because we can’t find Harry, Jesse is hiding him? “

I huffed and rubbed my face, he had no idea what was going on

“Jesse wants him Niall, he is obsessed you are right, but we are scared he might hurt him”

“are we sure it was him who killed the lads? “

“yes Niall we are?”

I looked again at Niall “ you said he came to pick Harry last night? “


“and Harry just went with him? “

Again nodded said “yeah..

“did you heard anything Niall, anything could really help us”

Niall shrugged “no.. I didn’t I am sorry, i would mention it if I did”

I sighed and looked in front again, Zayn was looking at me “is he gonna be okay? I mean with his heart? “

I shook my head “ I don’t know Zayn, stop scaring me would you? “

“what’s wrong with his heart? “

We both Looked at Niall and we didn’t talk.
Niall was crying ever since we told him about Harry’s condition, he didn’t stop crying and we couldn’t stop him.

When Zayn finally stopped the car at his building Naill didn’t move, I looked at h and I rubbed his knee “ he will be okay, he is strong we know Harry”

Niall didn’t look at me, he didn’t even listen.
Zayn “ it’s getting late Niall, you need to go”

Again nothing, then Zayn sighed “ come on man, don’t do this”

Niall finally looked at us, he then opened the door and he was leaving, then he stopped and looked at us

“ have you talked to Jesse's sister? “

Chapter Text

“I don’t know where he is? “ said the lady who was sitting in front of me. She was weird, like too weird.
With so long black hair, so deep black eyes. Not smiling at all. Yeah she was the female copy from her brother

“what do you mean? You are his sister? “ Zayn said angrily

She looked at him and she didn’t talk. We were sitting in the cafe near our campus. Both were so tired and exhausted I could barely open my eyes

“ please. We really need him. Didn’t he call you? “ I asked

She said not looking at me, she was still staring at Zayn

“ he did... Two hours ago”

And we almost gasped, “two hours? “ Zayn said

And she nodded “ two hours”

“ and he didn’t tell you where he was? “ I asked

She shook her head, “did he tell you if he was alone? “

She looked at us frowning “ what? Why? “

I sighed “ do you know Harry styles? “

She was still frowning “ I do.. Of course I know him he is his boyfriend “

Oh my God, was what gong on

I asked as calm as I could “so. They are together? “

She then stared at me “you are Louis Tomlinson aren’t you? The abusive roommate? “

“I am what? “ I felt the world was spinning around me
She then huffed and stood up “ he knew that was going to happen, he warned me.. Damn it.. I should haven known thanks God I didn’t tell you anything “

She was leaving while I was still stuck in her words.
“do you know Ben Wenslet ? “ Zayn said and she froze, then she looked at us “what? “

“Ben Wenselt? “ Zayn said again

She looked between us “ I know him, he was Jesse’s roommate”

“do you know of course he was killed? “ Zayn continued

She nodded, he said “ and you know about Luke Morgan? “

She again nodded “ what are you trying to say? “

Zayn sighed “ you know Harry is not his boyfriend, and you know Louis is not abusive... Tell us where is your brother because we believe our friend is in danger”

She didn’t move or talk, Zayn said “ I know who you are Suzan... Gigi told me about you. But she never mentioned you were jesse’s brother”

I was lost, I was looking at Zayn with mouth opened and I had no idea what he meant

And suddenly she started to cry and she returned back and sat in her place

“ he didn’t do it” she said begging Zayn

Zayn only sighed “ tell us where he is”

She swallowed her tears but that didn’t stop them from falling “he didn’t kill them”

“he almost killed your boyfriend.. He has severe anger issues so... What makes you so sure? “

She then sobbed and covered her face “oh my god”

I was watching Zayn with question mark all above me and he just gave me a quick look then he said “ he has our friend. Harry is not his boyfriend he was Ben’s. He has harry and we are sure as you are that there is something bad”

She wiped her tears and then she said “ I swear I don’t know where he is... I tried to know but.. I have no clue, he didn’t want to yell me. All he said that Louis tomlinson will try to know where he is, and if that happened I must give him a call”

“does he go alot around the sea? “I had to ask because I believed her, she looked at me with panic in her eyes

“what? “

I swallowed my fears and said “ last time harry called his mom he said something about the sea? “

She then looked down at the table “oh my god.. He will kill him”

“what? “

She looked between us then said “Jesse is sick.. I mean mentally sick. He used to see a shrink but lately he stopped, I tried my best to convince to go, I mean he still needs help but I failed.. And last time he.. “ she looked at Zayn “he hit me really hard, my boyfriend was there so when he tried to stop him... Jesse was this close from killing him” she wiped her tears “ when we were kids.. My parents died. My father killed my mom and then killed himself. He was deeply in love with her but he was also sick.. There were voices in his head telling him mom was cheating... So that night when he killed her and killed himself... He thought he was alone in that house.. But Jesse was there and he saw everything.. “

Again she wiped her tears and so did I
“ he drugged her first.. So she can’t resist and then he er... “ she looked down “ he raped her... Then... Doctors said he used some drugs to gradually stop her heart. He watches her dying.. They watched her dying and then he hanged himself”

I couldn’t talk after what she said, I just couldn’t talk or breath, I was so scared to even think

“where are they? “ Zayn said nervously and he jumped on his feet


She looked at us “ at our old house... By the sea”

We called the coach, we told him what we knew. He said not to go alone but if course we couldn’t wait, suzan took us to her old home. We knew how awful she was feeling but we just wanted to save Harry.
When Zayn stopped the car we saw Jesse’s car was parking there. It was a big house standing alone, no houses were close . It was by the sea and it looked abandoned long time ago.

Zayn looked at me while we were getting inside, he wanted to ask are we really doing it but I just looked at Susan who was guiding us. I was scared shit myself, I didn’t know if he was alive or it was too late I didn’t know what to do if anything bad happened.

The place was so dark, all the furniture was covered with white linen. And dirt was everywhere. Everything was covered even the pictures that were hanging on the walls. The place smelled old and death. It filled my heart with fear and also panic.

“they are at the basement” she said in front of a small door leading to the basement.

She was in front of the door but she was crying, she looked at me “ I can’t.. I can’t... I am sorry. I can’t go there”

I understood how awful she was. Then Zayn walked ahead and started to go down

I followed him, it wasn’t dark lights were on and then we heard noises. When we reached down, I looked at where Jesse was. And there he was.

He was sitting on a chair looking in front of him, Harry was lying on the bed. Was he sleeping? Why wasn’t he moving.

Once I saw him I gasped and I was going to move but Zayn grasped my hand and I looked at him, Zayn shook his head but

“I was waiting for you... I know you will come to rescue”

Then both of us walked to him.

He was still staring at Harry and my heart dropped, Harry was breathing but I remembered what his sister told me about their father watching their mom dying
“ was is Suzan? “ he asked

I was still looking at Harry waiting for anything
“what did you do? “ Zayn asked

He finally looked at us then left his chair. He walked to us “ not all what I wanted... But I guess enough” he then looked at me “ I can’t believe he chose you over me. After all what I did for him”

I frowned and said “ what are you talking about? “

He yelled “ I loved him.. With all my heart”

“what did you do? “ I was pleading him.

“he deserved it.. He fucking cheated on me, after all I had done to him he chose you... He came with me so I won’t hurt you.. “ then he laughed manically “ he didn’t know I can hurt you through him”

I looked again at Harry, Jesse was crazy but what did he do. I took a step closer and to my surprise he let me. I ignored him but my heart dropped, I knew what did this meant, it meant everything was over now.
I shook Harry softly “ Harry. Wake up”

He didn’t move or even blink, I looked at Jesse he was watching me, “did you hurt him? “

Then he looked at Harry “ I did what I had to do”

We heard the sound of police cars, and we knew the help was there. Jesse didn’t move his eyes from Harry “ I had to this.. I had to kill them”

Zayn looked at me, then he said “you killed them? “

He nodded “ I killed Ben.. Because Harry loved him.. I mean.. He was supposed to love me. I was his one. We had history together “

“and luke? “

He sighed “ Luke saw something he wasn’t suppose to see” then he looked at me “ it was supposed to be you”

Then we heard the noises coming closer. He looked at the stairs and he sighed with tears in his eyes “ it’s gonna be over soon”

“police... Raise your hands? “ someone shouted, and we all did. Even Jesse

The officers came down, one of them cuffed Jesse and then our coach showed too, he looked between the three of us and said “ are you okay? “

Then one officer was checking Harry, he talked through his radio “ we ned an ambulance we have a not responding victim here”

I was checking Jesse who was so calm, but tears were filling his eyes and that scared me to the core.

It was ten minutes later when an ambulance came and took Harry, I stayed with him in the ambulance and while we was on our way I witnessed the most horrible moment in my life.

Harry’s heart stopped beating and it refused to respond.