Nikki never cried. Well that’s not true, when he was little he used to cry a lot, but as soon as he stepped outside of his “house” and changed name, he also stopped crying.
The alcohol first and the drugs after helped him in that. Crying or feelings were the last things in his mind, for fuck sake he was the most badass bassist in the most badass band at the moment; he had everything anybody could ever want: booze, girls, money and drugs.
But somethings couldn’t simply change at all.
He could still feel all the hate for his family, for himself, he could still wake up in the middle of the night, panicking, due to nightmares or unpleasant memories. It didn’t matter how many fans would scream his name or claim to love him, he knew that he couldn’t be loved. He learned that the hard way when he was a kid and first his father then his mother turned their back on him, and also when everybody did that later in his life.
He hated how many times it would took only a single moment to go back to be Frankie again : painful memories flashing right in front of his eyes and he couldn’t stop them; seeing Deana after all these years only made them worse : her fake smile, that embarrassing hug and all the disappointment she brought. Why couldn’t she just leave him for good? Why his shitty childhood had to torment him even now that he was an adult? He wanted to scream, to destroy his room, hell the whole hotel, he wanted to punch Doc in his face because he brought there the only person in his world that could break his walls and made him remember that nobody will ever care about him.
And now he was in a hotel room, eyes closed and tears threatening to run down his cheeks while he tried to be as quiet as possible. There was no way in hell that he would had cry in that moment, fuck, emotions were for weak people and he was Nikki fucking Sixx.
“Hey dude are you okay” asked a familiar voice and Nikki almost jumped only to find Tommy’s brown eyes staring at him with confusion and a bit of concern.
“What the fuck are you doing in my bed?” Nikki asked totally clueless on why the drummer was there.
“Dude, last night I was so drunk that I couldn’t reach my room so I crashed into yours. Don’t you remember that, do you?” Nikki tried to remember and slowing flashes of the previous night resurfaced into his memory : a club, Tommy and him, many girls dancing around them and way too many bottles of alcohol. But something was missing, why did he ask to Tommy to get drunk with him? Well usually getting drunk was the most normal thing for them but he knew that in that occasion it was because of something in particular. And then again flash of the meeting with his mom came back; he must had asked Tommy to come with him to forget everything.
Suddenly the memories were too overwhelming and he felt like he was losing every bit of control he had. He was going to cry, in the best case scenario and maybe scream and wreck stuff in the worst one. He had to seem like a mess because Tommy gently tapped on his shoulder and asked him :“Nikki, is there something wrong?” Nikki was completely petrified, unable to react while he was concentrating to not cry right there in front of his drummer. Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Please don’t cry. He keep repeating to himself but a single tear rolled down his cheek.
As soon as Tommy saw it, he took the bassist in his arms and hugged him as tight as he could. Nikki’s first response was to push Tommy off him and storm out of the room, but there was something about the other man’s comforting arms, his beautiful smell and listening his heart beat that made the dark haired man completely relax and broke down.
He was absolutely quiet and still but now tears were streaming from his eyes, while Tommy simply held him without speaking, and Nikki loved that because words meant nothing, they were just vain and useless. Even if he was never going to admit it, that hug made him feel something that he thought he could never be able to feel again : being loved. He knew that an hug was not going to make years of shit disappear but it was calming down momentarily and that matter.
He didn’t know for how long they have stayed like that but Tommy broke the silent when he noticed that the bassist was definitely more calm.
“Would you like to eat breakfast, right now?” Nikki looked the alarm on his bedside, then he looked Tommy with a confused face.
“Tommy, it’s fucking five in the morning.” Nikki replied.
“So? I know a bar open right now and I haven’t eaten since yesterday.” Tommy said still hugging Nikki.
The last thing that the bassist wanted to do was to go outside, but something inside him was telling him that he had to show a little gratitude to Tommy. The younger man maybe had sensed that because he looked the dark hair man sympathetically. “Or we could eat it here, if you like it more Nik” he said smiling a bit. Nikki simply nodded.
“Great dude, let me just put on some clean clothes and I’m going.”
All of a sudden Nikki realized that Tommy would left him completely alone. He knew that Tommy would not leave him forever, he was only going to grab their breakfast, but his mind was tricking him into thinking that. “You better not show Tommy how pathetic you are. You look like a fucking clingy child.” he thought and maybe that was the truth because Nikki couldn’t be a child when he had the opportunity.
Distracted by his thoughts he barley registered Tommy saying a “see you soon” and the door closing, before he collapsed on the bed. He was exhausted but his mind was running so wild and nothing could stop it; so he just tried to lay there, not moving at all, hoping that at one point he would just pass out. He eventually did. --- Nikki had no idea how much time passed, but he woke up suddenly and Tommy was not there. He quickly looked at the alarm: 5.30. His drummer was gone for 20 minutes. The bassist started to bite nervously his nails, looking at the door every second; then again he started thinking that maybe he scared Tommy and he just decided to run away. Everyone always decided to run away. “He’s just another man in your life that you’re going to drive away, just like your did with your father” “It’s not true. It’s not true. It’s not…”
“ Hey dude, I’m back” Nikki vaguely heard Tommy saying. The drummer quickly entered in the bedroom, a big bag full of food in his hands, before he stopped in his track.
“Nikki man, are you okay?” Tommy asked for the second time that morning. The bassist had no idea how he must have looked like but it definitely was not calm and cool.
“I thought you were fucking gone” the dark haired man mumbled trying to sound as normal as possible. Tommy looked him in the eyes and then hugged him again; this time Nikki was not prepared so he stiffened at the suddenly contact.
“Dude, I’m so sorry. I kinda lost my way and the when I found the cafe they were taking forever to do the order, well maybe I should haven’t taken all that food but I’m fucking starving. But I swear I could never leave you Nikki. How could I If I’m totally in love with you.” As soon as those words exited Tommy’s mouth the curly drummer cursed quietly while Nikki just stared at him, shook on his face.
Nikki was not confused, hell no he was completely in another dimension, his mind incapable to processed everything, but damn if those words felt good, damn if a part of him hoped that Tommy would said those words to him. But he was too scared to react or to say anything; love simply was not something made for Nikki Sixx.
“I…uhm.. man… dude… look” Tommy tried to say but his voice died in his throat. The bassist looked at him, his mind full of so many thought, mostly bad, but there was also something inside him that was telling him to do it. Fucking do it man, what have you to lose?
In reality Nikki had a lot to lose like the respect of his other band mates, of the fans and maybe even a bit of his sanity, but as soon as his lip touched Tommy’s he didn’t care. Everything seemed to stop for a once his life and felt finally his heart beating not only to keep him barley alive, fuck maybe he could get used to feeling really alive.
When Nikki parted away he had a glimpse of the huge smile on Tommy’s face and he also cracked a little smile. Oh shit, somebody shoot him please, he was turning into a sappy bitch.
“That was… uhm.. unexpected. Good, fucking awesome don’t get me wrong but well… unexpected. I would love to do that all day but I’m fucking starving so can we eat first?” Tommy answered and Nikki knew that he’ll be stuck with basically a big child. Not that he complained.
“Since you took so long to bring it, I hope it’s at least good” Nikki said trying to recompose his “tough” facade.
Tommy only laughed and sat on the bed motioning Nikki to come next to him. When the bassist sat on it, the other man just pulled him into an hug with one hand, while with the other he searched for the food; this time Nikki tried to not tensed up or pull away and simply indulge himself into the sensation, enjoying the younger man’s smell.
“I hope you like blueberry pancakes, babe… uhm dude ‘cause I brought like 5 for each of us”. Nikki’s heart almost jumped at the nickname but Tommy’s change relaxed him: the drummer was not going to push things too far, giving Nikki the time to get use to.
“Well you fucker, you’re lucky that I’m actually hungry today” the bassist said and Tommy’s smile warmed a bit Nikki’s heart, even if he’s never going to admit it.
They just ate in the bed, Tommy occasionally rubbed circles on the older man’s tracing his tattoos and Nikki tried his best to not be too jumpy : don’t get him wrong he loved the sensation but he was not used to be taken care of and in the past usually people touched him roughly to beat him, certainly not softly with love. 20 minutes and three pancakes later( Nikki gave up after at half of the fourth and Tommy was more than happy to eat them), they just decided to stay in bed.
“Nikki, can I ask you why you were screaming yesterday in the lobby?”Tommy said. “ But if you don’t want that’s okay dude.” he quickly added, scared to upset the other man.
“ Doc made Deana come for Christmas but I didn’t know anything” he said biting his lips. Tommy simply nodded and slowly took the raven haired man’s hand in his.
“Thank you so much Tommy” Nikki blurted out after some minutes of silence.
“Uhm?” asked Tommy confused and surprised. Nikki Sixx doesn’t say stuff like thank you or I’m sorry.
“Thanks for the breakfast and for… earlier. I enjoy being with you.” Shit Nikki, let’s be more sappy, shall we? The drummer slowly kissed the other man on his cheek. He knew the it would take time for Nikki to say the L word.
“I love you too and I’ll do that again and again for you.” the drummer said.
Nikki maybe for the first time in years smiled for real. Maybe he wasn’t ready to said it out loud but that didn’t mean that he didn’t love Tommy and especially he will do anything to not drive this man away from his life.