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and i know you know that you're my soulmate and all that

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The Loser’s Club

Bev: Um. Question.

Bev: What is this?

[Image description: a paparazzi shot of Richie and Eddie leaving a hotel in New York City, hand-in-hand. Richie is wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap and has a lollipop sticking out of his mouth. Eddie is gazing up at him, tongue out, licking his own lollipop. They appear not to have spotted whoever is taking the photograph.]

Bill: Jesus Christ

Richie: Haha where’s that from???

Ben: I mean its a nice picture..

Mike: Hahahahahaaa

Eddie: What the FUCK?????????????

Stan has left the chat

It wasn’t like Eddie hadn’t been aware that Richie was famous. He wasn’t Beyoncé, obviously, but like - he was pretty well-known.

He’d been on the comedy circuit for nearly twenty years, he’d appeared on pretty much all the late-night talk shows, and he had just short of a million Twitter followers.

There was also the fact that he’d had an onstage breakdown during his last set in Chicago, fled the building, then disappeared from the public eye for a couple of months.

It hadn’t occurred to Eddie that people might have wanted to know what had happened to him - other than maybe a few die-hard fans and anyone who was financially invested in his career, like his manager and his agent and publicist - and yeah, he feels kind of dumb now for not thinking about it sooner, because Richie had told him he was famous, and had always put on those ridiculous goofy shades and sometimes a hoodie or a hat before leaving the house, but honestly, Eddie had a) thought Richie was messing him around like he always did and b) been too in love and happy to care much about anything other than Richie kissing him and hugging him and holding his hand and taking him to bed and asking him, officially, to move in with him.

So sue him. Eddie’s happy for the first time since he was least being teased by Richie. Whatever.

And maybe Eddie should have taken a leaf out of Richie’s book, and put on a hoodie or glasses or a fake moustache or something, and maybe he shouldn’t have expected to stroll out of the swanky hotel NBC had put them up in, holding hands with his boyfriend in one of the busiest cities on the planet the morning after said boyfriend reappeared in the public eye for the first time in months, hosted, and then came out on Saturday Night Live, but - still.

Eddie doesn’t think it’s too much to ask to be left alone to eat what is essentially pure sugar on a stick and make the twenty foot journey from the lobby of your hotel to a cab with your boyfriend after getting dicked down so well that morning he’d hardly been able to walk straight, but then again, he’s new to all this. So it’s whatever.

That doesn’t mean he’s happy about it.

Eds👨❤️💋👨💖😾💘 > Richie ❤️

Eds👨❤️💋👨💖😾💘 What the fuck

Richie ❤️ Is this about that picture??

Eds👨❤️💋👨💖😾💘 What else would it be about?!!!!!!

Richie ❤️ Awww babe its cute!

Richie ❤️ Your so cute

Eds👨❤️💋👨💖😾💘 It’s you’re

Richie ❤️ What is?

Eds👨❤️💋👨💖😾💘 You’re so cute

Richie ❤️ Awwwww thanks baby!!!

Richie fucking loves the picture, because of course he does. Any chance to make fun of Eddie and or call Eddie cute is something he cannot help but enthusiastically embrace. And the thing is, Eddie wouldn’t even be mad if it was just him and Richie who knew about the photo. He would still be mad if all the Losers had seen it, because he knows he’s gonna get shit for this next time they all meet up - he’s already getting ripped apart via text message - and Richie won’t be any fucking help, of course, he’ll just be staring at Eddie with that dumb, lovestruck look he gets sometimes when he’s not busy yapping - but it would have been bearable. Sooner or later Ben would’ve done something embarrassing in relation to Bev and they would all have made whipping noises at him, or Bill would publish another book with a shitty ending and they could have all quoted their favourite reviews panning it to each other, or Richie would’ve gotten blocked by yet another politician on social media and they could all have had a good laugh at that.

But it’s not just him and Richie, and it’s not just the Losers.

The reason, it turns out, that Bev had found that fucking embarassing picture in the first place is because it had ended up trending on Twitter.

vibe Queen @guccigay yall seen this pic of @trashmouth and his bf eye -

Beans @fjk_a get u a man who looks at u like @trashmouth ‘s bf looks at him.

cgi baby from twilight @magtweet i just knew @trashmouth had a monster dong i just KNEW it if everybody would look back at everything ive been saying and preaching and praying and saying

Phoebe🍑 @phooobe never in my life have i been dicked down as well as @trashmouth ‘s mystery man im so jealous

Jay @jayshittytweets yoooooooo who is the twink w/ @trashmouth 👀

zo 🏳️🌈 @zoe_bishop why do the gays stay winning!!!! Thank u 4 your service @trashmouth and ur cute bottom

“I’m going to murder you,” Eddie tells Richie when he gets home from the grocery store. Eddie doesn’t think he can leave the house ever again.

Richie puts his bag of shopping down on the counter and says, “How is this my fault?” Which is a fair question, because Eddie can’t really think of an answer that isn’t just indirectly praising Richie for his admittedly sizeable dick or acknowledging that he is, in truth, at least somewhat famous and Eddie should have listened to his advice about hats and hoodies and sunglasses.

Eddie doesn’t say any of this. He just huffs and crosses his arms, pulling his legs in towards him on the sofa.

Richie just laughs at him. “Baby,” he says, and Eddie feels his lips get even thinner than they already are. “Babe, it’s funny. It’s cute. It’s not a big deal. Sooner or later Kanye will say something dumb and we’ll be old news.”

Eddie says, “Who’s Kanye?” because he feels like being an asshole.

But Richie knows what he’s doing, because of course he does, and so he just grins, and flops down on the sofa next to him, and pulls him in close against his shoulder.

Buzzfeed - Someone took the most adorable picture of Richie Tozier and his boyfriend and the internet is obsessed with it.

Eddie isn’t quite sure how he’s going to handle going back to work.

He’s only been with this new company in LA for a month now, and nobody there knows who his other half is.

Well, there probably is somebody in HR who knows - Richie is down as his emergency contact, after all, entered on the Personal Details form he’d been issued with on his first day as “Partner” under Relationship to Emergency Contact - but Eddie assumes whichever administrator handled the form on that day hadn’t really read it - just thrown it into a filing cabinet along with his signed contract and code of conduct and other boring legal stuff.

But still. None of his co-workers know, and he’s pretty certain his manager doesn’t know; he’s never mentioned it, and when he had to take the Friday off to fly to New York for SNL with Richie, they hadn’t asked about it; he’d just said he was going to New York with his partner, and that the trip was booked before he’d started the job, and they’d said okay, and given him the time off, and that was that.

But now his face is all over the internet, bedroom eyes and vaguely phallic-shaped object in his mouth and all, and statistically speaking, surely at least one person from the office has seen it.

Richie Tozier ✓ @trashmouth [Image description: the now infamous picture of Richie and Eddie outside their hotel in New York.] me looking at this big ass bucket of kfc wings im about to stuff in my face

John Mulaney ✓ @mulaney @trashmouth You looking at texts from your boyfriend all day instead of focusing on the writing we’re supposed to be doing #secretproject

Richie Tozier ✓ @trashmouth @mulaney yeah thats fair

“I can’t go back to work,” he tells Richie, the night of his last day of leave.

Richie is looking at something on his iPad, brow furrowed.

“Why not, babe?” he says.

“Because,” Eddie says, “because of the picture.”

Richie looks up at him. “The picture of -”

“You know which fucking picture I’m talking about, asshole.”

“Oh,” says Richie, and he looks back at his iPad. “I’ve told you, it’s not that bad, baby. I’ve done way worse stuff. There was a picture of me online a couple years back wearing a bandana as a headband and vomiting on the freeway.”

Eddie doesn’t ask. “Yes but that’s different. You’re a comedian. You’re a celebrity. You’re expected to do stupid things. I have a real job.”

Richie looks up, apparently somewhat offended at this. “My job is a real job!”

“You know what I mean,” Eddie says.

Richie says, “I make way more money than you.”

Eddie says, “People don’t care if they see some famous comedian ralphing on the Two.”

Richie looks amused. “Did you just say ralphing?”

“People don’t want to know what a Risk Analyst looks like after getting fucked six ways from Sunday by his boyfriend.”

Richie grins a little dopily at that. He’s still thrilled, it seems, by any acknowledgment of their official relationship status. He’d actually yelled out loud the first time Eddie had referred to himself as “Richie’s boyfriend.”

“Can you please focus! I’m saying I can’t go back to work. I’m going to have to cut my hair, or grow a beard. Beards are disgusting, Rich! Do you know how much fucking food has the potential to get stuck in a beard? I’m not ever gonna be able to go outside again!”

Richie sighs, sets his iPad down. “Babe, I think you’re blowing this a little out of proportion. Nobody’s gonna recognise you from some dumb pap shot. Besides, I bet none of the lamewads at your job ever go on the internet.”

Eddie isn’t sure about that, but he sighs, settles down onto the sofa at Richie’s side.

Richie puts an arm around his shoulder. “Anyway, if they do, and you really wanna give up work, I am more than willing to be a supportive sugar daddy and keep you in the lifestyle to which you have so quickly become accustomed.” He waves his free hand vaguely around the large living room.

It’s dumb, but it makes Eddie laugh. “Thanks, Rich.”

“You are welcome, sweetheart.” He looks thoughtful. Oh no, Eddie thinks. “You know, maybe giving up work wouldn’t be a bad idea. You could travel around with me, give me blowjobs under the desk during my meetings, sit on my dick at night after the show. You’d be like my personal orgasm dispenser.”

Eddie elbows him right in the gut.

The Loser’s Club

Mike: [Image description: the same photo of Richie and Eddie in New York.]

Mike: Me looking at this sexy dodge ram I’m about to purchase now I’ve finally sold my janky old truck

Bev: hahahahahaha

Richie: agressively heterosexual I have no idea what those words say

Ben: Woo hoo exciting Mike!

Bev: [Image description: the same image of Richie and Eddie.]

Bev: Me watching the waiter approaching my table carrying the rib eye i just ordered

Ben: [Image description: the same image of Richie and Eddie.]

Ben: Me watching somebody else in this group chat getting bullied for loving their significant other for once

Eddie: Can you all fucking STOP

Bill: [Image description: yet again, the same photograph of Richie and Eddie.]

Bill: Me refreshing Twitter every two minutes to look at new Richie and Eddie memes instead of writing.

Richie: The difference between that picture and bills writing is that in that picture eds had just experienced a good ending

Eddie: IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU

Bill: Me too

Stan: Me three.

The first thing Eddie’s coworker Amreena says when he sits down at his desk on his first day back is “So, Eddie. How does it feel to be Twitter famous?”

Eddie freezes. “That’s, uh, not me,” he says.

Someone behind him giggles.

Amreena swivels round on her chair, grinning. “So you’re not dating Richie Tozier, then?”

Eddie says, “I have - no idea who that is.”

“Interesting,” Amreena says, “because these were delivered for you literally five minutes before you walked through the door.” She reaches under her desk, and pulls out a huge bunch of what looks like two dozen red roses, wrapped in sparkly cellophane, a card marked Freida’s Flowers taped to the side.

“Um,” Eddie says.

Amreena passes him the flowers. On the card, it says When I look at you my heart feels the way your face looked in that paparazzi shot of Richie Tozier and his mysterious yet beautiful boyfriend eating lollipops in NYC. Lots of love and xxxxs forever and ever your secret admirer (who is actually your hot boyfriend Richie FYI xxx)

Weakly, Eddie says, “Er, that must be another Richie -”

“I’m jealous,” Amreena says, “he’s actually kind of hot. And sweet.” She gestures towards the roses.

Eddie doesn’t get much work done the rest of the day. His coworkers keep sidling up to him, asking him if it really is him in That Photo, if he really is dating The Richie Tozier.

They laugh at him when he reluctantly admits that yes, it is him, but to be honest - it isn’t that bad. They ask if the flowers on his desk are from Richie as well and he says yes, and they awww at that, and then one of them asks if he can get him early tickets for Richie’s next show, whenever that is, and Eddie says he guesses so, and someone else says he can’t believe Eddie never mentioned he not only grew up with Richie Tozier, but that he’s also dating him, that’s so cool -

Eddie wonders if the guy would think it was quite so cool if he knew that that other night Eddie had caught Richie biting his own toenails, but he doesn’t want to destroy the illusion. So he smiles, and shrugs. And when he gets home, he wraps his arms around Richie’s neck, roses abandoned on the table behind them, and kisses him full on the mouth.

Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiekaspbrak [Image description: the paparazzi shot of Richie and Eddie leaving a hotel in New York City, hand-in-hand.] Me whenever @trashmouth does something uncharacteristically nice.

Richie Tozier ✓ @trashmouth @eddiekaspbrak “uncharacteristically”???

Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiekaspbrak @trashmouth Sigh.

Eddie Kaspbrak @eddiekaspbrak [Image description: the paparazzi shot of Richie and Eddie.] Me whenever I look at my wonderful boyfriend @trashmouth whom I love more than anything else in the world.

Richie Tozier ✓ @trashmouth @eddiekaspbrak babe u know im so strong and tough but i have to admit i just cried a little bit

Richie Tozier ✓ @trashmouth @stanley_uris HAVE U BLOCKED ME