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Those Skeevy Ancients

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John stared as his cock started to lengthen. "Rodney! What the fuck?"

"It's okay, I tested it on myself. Look: this button makes it longer and this one shrinks it." Rodney laughed, a tad hysterically for John's liking. "It's Alice in Wonderland, but for dicks. You just wear the Ancient cock ring and hey presto."

"Those dudes were seriously fucked in the head," said John, supporting his now ten-inch cock in both hands. He was worried it might break off. "And when you downsize me I wanna be right back to normal. No shrinkage 'cause you're jealous of my manly proportions."

 

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"I found another one!" Rodney crowed, barging into John's room waving the extra cock ring and remote.

"Yeah?" John was dubious.

The device had made their cocks longer, sure, but with no muscles in them there was little control. Plus, Rodney had panicked and refused to go beyond twelve inches maximum: "Too much of my circulating blood volume will be in my dick, and my brain needs a lot of oxygen!" 

"There must be something we can do with two giant dicks, Colonel," huffed Rodney. He brightened, snapping his fingers: "Lightsaber battles!"

John grinned and began to strip. "Now you're talking."

 

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"Rodney, come to bed," John whined. Rodney'd been working on his laptop for hours.

Rodney waved vaguely. "Yes, yes, in a minute."

John pouted. He put on the cock ring and pressed the remote. If he lay flat he could stretch his dick out to five feet long, without fainting. Now if he could just...

"Get your dick out of my ear, John."

John spoke in a high, tinny voice. "Calling Dr McKay. Come in Dr McKay."

"Oh for fuck's sake." Rodney turned, long suffering, and spoke into the head of John's dick. "Yes? What d'you want."

John raised his eyebrows.

 

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Blow jobs from Rodney were less forthcoming than John had hoped.

"If you think I'm deep-throating your enormous dick you're seriously deluded, Sheppard. I'm not a goddam sword swallower!"

Motivation, that was what Rodney needed.

 

"Mmmmmm." Rodney was making blissfully pornographic noises as he licked along the massively elongated but still deliciously sensitive underside of John's cock. His hands were sticky and his face smeared, but he didn't seem to care.

John moaned and then pulled himself together, dribbling some more chocolate sauce on his three-foot length.

When it was his turn he was going to use whipped cream.

 

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"We’re idiots!" Rodney shouted, lurching into John's room.

"What?" John tensed, reaching for his P-90. "Is it the Wraith? The Genii?"

"No no no," gasped Rodney, hands on his knees as he caught his breath. "Think, Colonel! What can we do with the devices that we couldn't do before?"

John frowned. "I can hit you upside the head from over here now," he tried.

"No, and you need to quit doing that or I'm gonna confiscate your remote." John rolled his eyes. Rodney pulled off his pants. "We can suck ourselves off!"

"Oh, cool!" said John, hurrying to follow suit.

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