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My hands are shaking and my knees are weak; today was crazy and I'm not sure if I can brush off the events of the afternoon just like that. I just saw someone die and afterwards this cop whose evol went berserk and now Gavin is in my apartment as if we just had a nice little date. I have to offer him tea! I'm such a bad hostess…
"Hey." His voice is soft and when I look up there's this crease between his brows and I want to smooth over it but catch my hand midway. I can't just touch him like that, can I?
“Listen, what happened today was scary and I understand that you are confused, but you have to listen to me now. I don’t want you to wander outside for any reason, got that? I want you to stay here, where you are safe.”
It’s even scarier because I can tell he’s serious. Nothing of the easy, comfortable way he usually talks to me is left in his tone; this is Gavin the police officer/evol agent, not the boy I spent so much time with.
“What - what about you?” My voice is feeble, whiny, and I hate it.
“It’s my job to go out there and find out what’s wrong. Don’t worry, I will protect you.” There it is, his reassuring smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“And who is going to protect you?”
His smile slips, he purses his lips and exhales deeply. He looks tired.
“Show me your hand,” he says, changing the topic, and motions towards my right arm. The bracelet dangles when I lift my arm, the lights glittering on the golden ginkgo leaf.
“Keep it on. As long as you got this, I will come running whenever you need me.” His thumb lightly brushes over my pulse point; I wonder if he can feel how my heartbeat speeds up. Before he pulls his hand back I stammer: “Can you let me see your wrist for a second?”
He’s hesitant, so I explain him what Eli told me earlier.
“Getting injured is part of going on missions,” he stubbornly insist but shows me his wrist anyway.
I trace the angry red scar with my fingertips, my throat is tight at the mere sight of it. It travels up his arm and so do my fingers, to the point where it vanishes in his sleeve and I can’t follow anymore.
“You promised you’d be careful.” My voice breaks and my eyes sting. “No more getting hurt.”
“I promise you. You won’t have to worry.”
But I do, I can't help it. I keep his hand between mine, as long as I hold on he can't just leave.
"Are you still scared?" His free hand rests on my head while I stare at our clasped hands.
“I have lost too many people important to me already,” I slowly confess. “And I’m afraid to lose you, too.”
He has to understand me; he, too, has lost loved ones before. Maybe he doesn’t feel for me what I feel for him, but I must mean something to him. Would he be so hell-bent on keeping me safe otherwise? Is it just his job, another obligation?
“You’re not losing me, don’t worry. I will take care, okay?”
Still, I can’t shake the feeling something horrible will happen, can’t get rid of that dread pooling in my stomach. And knowing my evol is premonition doesn’t help. How to tell evol and just a bad feeling apart?
“Gavin-” If I don’t tell him now, I might not have another chance. I squeeze his hand, gather all my courage. “Gavin, I’m so worried about you because I’m not sure I can just go on if you were to vanish from my life. I - you are more than just a friend to me. I’m in love with you.”
I summon enough strength to look up, see his eyes widen at my confession. His hand slips from my head, and just when my heart turns to lead and drops deep into my stomach, I feel his fingertips under my chin.
“Are you - serious? This is not a joke?”
I shake my head lightly, not enough for his touch to leave my skin.
“No joke.” Just me being a nervous wreck. What if he doesn’t feel the same? Did I just make a fool of myself?
“Ever since school… I mean, if you had read my letter… you’d know how much I liked you…”
Liked. Past tense.
“And now?”
He cups my cheek and a smile softens his expression. “Now I don’t like you anymore. I love you. Everything about you, from that determination when it comes to your job to the way you twirl your hair when you’re focusing on something. The more time I spend with you, the more adorable little things I notice.”
Despite everything that happened today I feel like floating.
“I - it’s the same for me. I used to be scared of you but now - I have no idea how I ever got that impression of you. You are so thoughtful and considerate and I really, really want to be more than friends.”
This might be a bad timing, but with all the strange things around us, it might be my last chance to tell him how I feel.
“Not sure if I’m just dreaming this, but in case it’s all real, I want us to be more, too.”
Holding his hand like this feels so intimate all of sudden, but I can’t let go of him. Never again.
I gnaw on my bottom lip, unsure what to do now. Gavin brushes his thumb over my lips, tugs my bottom lip from between my teeth this way. He is so tall, I have to tip my head back to look at him. When he leans in I close my eyes, anxiously await the touch of his lips on mine. It’s soft and short, he pulls back much too soon so I chase him, get on my tiptoes and kiss him even firmer. He makes a surprised sound but then his hand finds the back of my head, he keeps me in place to deepen the kiss and I’m glad I can cling to him or my weak knees would give out under me. He slips his tongue into my mouth, just enough to nudge mine before he retreats. My head spins, my heart races. This is the best first kiss ever. I don’t want it to end but I’m already melting and afraid I’ll faint if we don’t take a break soon. I pull back, just enough to whisper against his lips.
“Gavin… don’t leave tonight. Stay. Here with me.”
I don’t know what the morning will bring but I know I want to spend tonight with him.
He inhales sharply, his hold on me tightens. Just a fraction, but I can feel him bracing himself for what he has to say.
“Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want to rush things between us.”
His fingertips caress my hair, brush over the shell of my ear.
“I’m sure. And we don’t have to do anything. Just - stay with me. Please?”
I don’t want to play the scared damsel, fully aware it would trigger his protective instinct. I want him to stay because it’s the right thing, the thing he wants to do, too. And yes, if anything was to happen between us, I wouldn’t mind. Actually I would be disappointed if nothing would happen at all. At least some more kisses.
“If you really don’t mind…” he begins and I exhale, smile at him happily.
“How about we - I don’t know, have a drink? Today was crazy and I’m not sure I can sleep at all, even less right away.”
We settle for tea, alcohol is not a good idea and we both know it. I’m fiddling with the tea pot and the cups, to keyed up and giddy. At the same time I feel guilty; I watched someone die today. How can I be this happy only hours after? I’m a bad person, superficial and selfish.
But then I see Gavin sitting on my couch, browsing some magazines I have on my coffee table. How can I not be happy when I finally managed to confess my feelings to him?
With everything being a mess, I have to hold on to the good things in my life.
He takes the cup I offer him and I sit down next to him. It’s quiet, but pleasantly so. After I finish my tea I snuggle close to him, we trade lazy kisses while the TV plays some reality show in the background. I fall asleep before the show ends.
When I wake up it’s still dark outside.
“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Gavin’s hand soothingly strokes my hair.
“No… sorry, I didn’t want to doze off. Was I sleeping for long?” I sit up, stretch my neck, once left, once right.
“Maybe half an hour. I didn’t want to disturb you. It was a hard day and you need some rest. Maybe I should go now…”
“Nooooo,” I whine. “You promised to stay. Look, we are both adults here. Let’s just get washed up and go to bed. I have a spare toothbrush somewhere and you can have your own blanket if that makes you feel better.”
He’s hesitating so I make a decision for both of us. I get up, grab a spare blanket and pillow from my closet and throw them on my bed.
“Choose a side, I’m going to wash up real quick.”
Beauty routine is cancelled tonight, just the basics: I brush my teeth, wash my face and put some lotion on. A thought pops up in my mind, makes me freeze for a second.
He’s going to see me without makeup.
Usually I’m further into a relationship before I get to this point, but then again, it’s not that big of a deal. Just me being vulnerable and naked in more sense than one.
I leave the toothpaste and the spare toothbrush out for him, add an fresh towel, brace myself and go back into my living/bedroom.
Gavin has made the bed, two pillows side by side, but only one blanket. Somehow this calms me down, the thought of being able to cuddle with him during the night makes me smile.
“I’m ready,” I announce and wait until he’s in the bathroom to change into my nightgown. The only pretty one I own. I dim the lights and slip under the covers, wait for him with my heart fluttering and my stomach churning. He comes back after a while, some wet strands of hair sticking to his forehead.
“I - uhm, I don’t have pajamas here, so…”
It’s adorable how he shrugs and shuffles around.
“Boxershorts are fine with me. Or are you going commando?” I can’t help it, I have to tease him. He blushes, clears his throat and starts unbuttoning his shirt.
“Of course not. I was just wondering, maybe it bothers you.”
“No, I’m fine with you in underwear.” I watch him undress, although he turns his back to me.
Her hums and pauses, but doesn’t turn around.
“Are you comfortable staying over like this?”
He clears his throat again, but nods. “Sure. It’s a bit unexpected but I would lie if I said I’d never thought about it. Just - I always thought it would be a bit more romantic. Not after a day like today.”
This time it’s my turn to hum. I dreamed of candle lights and violins, too. Of a romantic confession, not just some desperate blurting out of feelings. But then again, we are both here now and I want to make the best of it. Whatever that is.
“Just so you know, I didn’t ask you to stay just because I’m scared or need comfort. I want you here, all the time. And today is as good of a day as any to start, don’t you think?”
He’s down to his boxers now, dark, tight boxer briefs to be exact. I lift the edge of the covers for him to join me. He settles in next to me, with a small distance between us. I snuggle up, wrap my arm around his waist and rest my head against his chest. He’s warm, firm. Restless.
“What’s wrong?”
“Sorry, it’s just - I need a moment to calm down.” I run my fingertips over his side until he jerks away.
“Nervous?” Teasing him comes naturally, takes part of my own nerves away.
“A bit,” he confesses and I lean in to kiss him.
“A bit,” he says again, and kisses me back. We trade kisses back and forth until he pulls me on top of him. I straddle him, careful not to sit directly on his - center. Good word for now. Since we haven’t talked about our options yet I don’t want to get too excited, just in case he’s not comfortable with going further.
He’s definitely comfortable with making out, though. His hands roam my thighs, hips and back, skipping my bum for now. I start kissing his neck, nibble at his shoulder a bit. He groans lowly, the first time I hear a sound like this from him. I want more of that.
He’s in great shape; the dusting of freckles on his shoulders leads me towards his collarbone, from there further down his firm chest. I graze his nipple with my fingernail, make him squirm under me. I can’t tell if he’s holding back or if this is going too fast for him, so I go back to kissing him some more, now more or less lying on top of him.
“If you keep this up,” he pants between Kisses, his hands wrapped around me, “I’m not sure I can remain a gentleman.”
“I never asked you to be one,” I reply with a chuckle. “I’m not a blushing virgin, Gavin. And we are not in high school anymore. We can do whatever we want, as long as we both want it.”
I nuzzle his neck when he tightens his hold on me and flips us around.
“In that case, tell me if you don’t want something.” He kisses me again, deeply, as if he’s only now realizing he’s allowed to.
His weight on top of me is just perfect, and the way we are intertwined now, with him between my thighs, makes it clear that he’s anything but indifferent.
I’d even say, his interest is huge.
Still, he takes his time, kisses my lips, my cheeks, down my neck. I want him to speed up yet stay like this. Very confusing. So I just inhale, close my eyes and let him set the pace. One of his hands find the hem of my nightgown, hikes it up just enough for him to touch my butt. There’s a growl low in his throat, makes me answer with a moan while I arch my back, push my butt into his hand and brush his hard cock with my groin.
He peppers my cleavage with kisses, but stays off the parts covered by my nightgown. Time to take things in my own hands - literally. I reach for the hem of my nightgown, pull it up and over my head just to chuck it aside.
The sensation of his skin against mine makes me shiver, my whole body is sensitive to his touch. I pull him in for another kiss, can’t stand to not be as close to him as possible.
“God… you are driving me crazy…” he mumbles and trails his tongue down my neck again. Gone is his hesitation, his one hand cups my breast, his thumb gently brushes over my nipple until it’s hard. I whine, card my fingers through his hair and tug lightly.
He looks at me, holds my gaze while leaning in to flick my nipple with his tongue. A spark of desire runs through me, right into my core and I squirm, can’t just lie still anymore.
“Is this okay?” He waits until I nod frantically before he teases my other breast in a similar way. Gentleness turns into passion, he nips and sucks at my skin, his hand makes its way further down to the waistband of my panties.
“Can I-?”
“God, yes. Please do.” I don’t want to appear desperate, but my patience runs low by now. There were times I could make out with a guy for ages before anything else happened - sometimes it was all that ever happened - but with Gavin I can’t. I want him.
And I have him. For now I’m the only one naked; he slid my panties down and threw them aside just to kiss up my legs now. A chaste kiss just shy above my private area and he lies down next to me, on his side so his free hand can explore the part he just skipped. Careful at first. He hisses when he finds me wet and ready, his fingertips caress my folds until he finds my clit, making me tense up briefly.
He kisses me, greedy, groans into my mouth as his finger slips inside of me. I manage to push my hands down his boxers, find him hard and leaking. Touching each other so intimately fans our passion, but it also takes off the edge, the urgency to be close. I want to savor this moment, want to make it last, remember every second of it. The feeling of dread is hard to shake off; I want to make this count. It could be the first and the last time we are close like this after all.
He teases me, switches from circling my clit to pushing now two fingers into me and back. I try to find out how he likes to be touched, too. From stroking his cock to fondling his balls, making him moan and grunt.
When I can’t take it anymore I pull back, roll over to get to my nightstand and fetch a condom.
“Scoot over to the middle,” I tell him and rip the small foil packet open. He pushes his boxers down and kicks them off, shifts until he’s on his back in the middle of my bed. I take a moment to just look at him. Toned, but not too buff, panting, naked. He’s perfect. I kneel next to him, grab his cock with one hand and manage to roll the condom over it with the other. His hands come to rest on my hips as I straddle him again, this time I position myself, hold his cock in place and sink down on him. He’s big, fills me up just right. I brace my hands on his chest as I lift my hips and sink down again, over and over until I have a rhythm that works for both of us.
“So beautiful,” he mutters, fingertips digging into my hips, “feels so good.”
I hum; can’t argue with him about that.
“Lean back a bit,” he says, with one hand between my breasts he gently pushes me back. “Prop your hands on my legs.”
I do as I’m told, lean back a bit. The changed angle makes me gasp, even more so when Gavin slips a hand between us, his thumb adding friction just where I need it.
I go from moving my hips up and down to grinding on his cock, back and forth so his thumb rubs me just right.
I’m sweating, strands of hair sticking to my skin, others are tickling me with every move I make. I have one hand behind me on Gavin’s knee, the other claws at his chest. But there’s a nice breeze in my living/bedroom and when I glance at Gavin, my eyebrows knitted in confusion, he grins up at me.
Yeah, sure, why not? My personal AC unit. Right now he’s rather heating me up further as I’m chasing my release, rocking in his lap, faster and faster.
It starts in my toes, on my scalp, the heat and tingling, travels through my body until it all pools in my core. Even if I wanted, I couldn’t stop now. My hips move on their own, my fingers dig into his chest, leaving red marks as I curl them into a loose fist.
I close my eyes, throw my head back as my pleasure crests, my hips jerk back and forth until I slump down on his chest, panting, high on endorphins.
He runs a hand up and down my back, kisses my temple, gives me time to catch my breath. But he’s still hard inside of me and I have no strength left to take care of him.
“Okay… okay… I think we need to switch.” After a last kiss I get off him, plop down on the bed and open my arms for him. “Come here.”
“We - we don’t have to continue like this. I mean, if you are too tired we can also-”
“No, I want to go on. I just don’t want to move much anymore.” I chuckle, but it’s the truth. Being with him feels amazing and I’m greedy, don’t want it to stop now. I welcome his weight on top of me, the way his skin feels. The way he sinks into me again. I’m overly sensitive now, shiver at the contact, but urge him on with my legs wrapped around him. He grabs my hand, laces his fingers with mine and starts moving. Deep thrusts, frantic kisses - it all blurs into a daze. He whispers sweet nothings, his thrusts stutter until he tenses on top of me, his breathing ragged and skin sweaty.
After taking care of the condom we snuggle under my blanket. I don’t want to fall asleep because once I wake up, it will be morning and everything I pushed aside will descend upon us.
I bury my face in the crook of his neck, inhale his scent, my hand on his chest. His heart beats steadily, the rhythm lulls me to sleep after all.

I wake up when Gavin tries to sneak out of the bed.
“Sorry, I wanted to let you sleep some more.” He looks for his clothes, starts dressing while I sit up in the bed.
“No, I prefer it like this. Would feel a bit cheap if you just left while I was asleep.”
He freezes and stares at me with wide eyes.
“That was not my plan.”
“I know,” I assure him, sigh and get up, too. “Let me make you breakfast at least.” A few more moments stolen for us, away from the scary reality outside.
Eventually I can’t play for time anymore, he gets ready to leave, not without another kiss and firm embrace.
“Take care of yourself, you hear me?” I mumbled against the fabric of his shirt, my face pressed against his chest.
“I will. Don’t worry, I will come back to you. I promise.”
My weak smile can mask my thoughts, but can’t chase away the re-emerging fear. I pray it’s just me being silly, not part of the premonition.
“You better keep your promise,” I reply, take a deep breath and let go of him. He walks out of my door and I can’t help the feeling he also walks out of my life.