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Bi the Way, I'm Ace

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Amanda Lumbard always knew she was different. She was really young when she was dignosed with leg length disparity and her shoes and classmates never let her think of herself as 'normal'. But she doesn't mind. She likes her legs and herself and she never lets the assholes at school get her down. She has her family and Millie and that's enough.

So, when she realizes that not only is her body different, but that she herself is different, it's mostly easy to accept. Telling others is a different thing, though.

She finds guys attractive, and that helps her hide for a while. It's not really until she goes to that drag show and some queens help them practice for the pageant that she really starts exploring other aspects of herself.

Hannah also helps, even if Hannah doesn't actually know it. Somehow, the two of them get along well and when Amanda meets Hannah's girlfriend Courtney, she starts to slowly accept her own bi-ness. And she knows that she will tell Millie about herself, eventually. She knows that Millie isn't like her parents, that she's a lot more accepting of non-straight people.

But the part of herself that she realized before the bi part, the one she connects with more right now, she's not sure she can tell Millie, or anyone else. Because her bi-ness isn't sexual, it's romantic. And her sexuality is ace.

People don't really know what asexuality is, and how there's romantic orientations, and Amanda has a hard time getting to a place where she would feel up to do the whole vocabulary lesson coming out requires. And there is a part of her that doesn't know how people would react. Hannah might accept her bi-ness but would she understand her asexuality? And despite Millie's strict upbringing, she definitely experiences sexual attraction towards Malik. And every time they talk about that, and Amanda makes a comment that she doesn't feel like that towards anyone, Millie thinks she's comforting when she tells her that some day she will, that these feelings will come to her eventually.

It makes Amanda feel slightly wrong, even though she knows she isn't. She's pretty sure she will never feel sexual attraction, and sex itself doesn't seem very interesting. And she knows that that is OK. But she's not sure the people around her would feel the same. Sometimes she'a scared Millie would think there's something in her that needs fixing.

But when Millie wants to have sleepovers, and during the first one they play Two Truths and a Lie, and she feels like it's time. She just needs to get it out there, and she's among friends. So she puts another banana Runt into her mouth, takes a deep breath and says:

"And number three! I... have never really been sexually attracted to anyone."

What happens when that is revealed as a truth is a mixed bag. Hannah is amazing, and she feels silly about worrying how she would react. Willowdean and Ellie are confused but supportive. She notices Millie's looks, slightly hurt, guilty, worried.

"It's great! Whatever makes you happy makes me happy." Millie finally says, but she's too loud, her voice too high.

Amanda smiles back, it's a little restrained but she's relieved. This is a good start, though they'll have to talk about this more later.

***

And they do talk, after Millie's wisdom tooth removal makes her a bit too honest, and it feels good to talk about her fears and find out that they were for nothing.

But then Millie starts hanging out with Callie Reyes more and more, and Amanda starts to worry. While Callie has had a fall from grace re: popularity, and she is actually not as big a bitch as Amanda thought and she doesn't necessarily mind her intrusion into their friend group, she feels... abandoned. Like her having LLD is one thing, but being ace as well? It feels like she's not enough for Millie anymore. And that hurts.

She keeps that hurt to herself until the end of semester, and Millie is really apologetic. Amanda can't be mad at her for too long. Millie just has a huge, open heart, which is why she loves her.

Amanda goes into the summer before senior year happy for her friends, and open about who she is. She and Hannah plan a trip to a Pride, and she is excited about including more purple in her clothing, and all the ace and bi puns she's kept herself from saying until now. She is excited for the future, and being fully herself. Bi ace with LLD. She has her family and friends who love her for who she is. Romance and its complications can wait.