Work Header

Raw Vegans

Chapter Text

"What the fuck is this?" Hidan demanded, spitting out the bite of cookie he just bit into. It was like eating cardboard and weighed a ton. The center was raw and he tossed it back onto the plate on the table.

"It's called a cookie, dumbass." Deidara flipped his hair, "They are almost raw vegan chocolate chip cookies packed with vegetables and nutrients."

"Disgusting!" Hidan stuck his tongue out and wiped the remaining crumbs off of it and spit into a napkin, there was something orange in it and a green thing, too, "Where the hell did you find such an abomination? If you went to Whole Foods again, if you paid money for this I'll-"

"I made them, hm! And we don't shop at Whole Foods, there are too many rays in there."

"Well, never make them again, those are the nastiest things I've ever eaten."

"And you didn't even eat it! You spit it out!"

"Yeah and it's a good thing, I was about to fucking puke!" Hidan shoved his way past Deidara to get into the kitchen and rinsed his mouth with the tap water.

"You shouldn't drink that, the PH is all wrong, tap water causes cancer." Deidara lectured as he took a cookie from the plate and started to eat it, "You need to drink alkaline water, hm."

"I need to drink some coffee is what I need to drink. Ugh, I've had this fucking headache since I moved in last week." Hidan sighed, his roommates told him it was because the air inside the house was so 'pure' and 'clean' and 'positively charged' and he just wasn't used to it yet but he thought it was more that they were constantly using several different essential oils in every room 24 hours a day, non stop and used salt rock lamps instead of real light bulbs so it was always hard to see at night and everything had a pink glow.

Hidan got the coffee maker from under the sink and tried to find a place to put it but as he looked at the counter, there was no room. There was a pile of carrot peels and a container of date paste on the counter, along with an assortment of other flours from things that were not wheat and ingredients Hidan didn't know the names of, "You gonna clean this up soon?"

"Yeah, I'll do it later, I'm eating now, hm."

"You're going to be sick later if you keep eating those things." Hidan muttered, and pushed everything out of the way to make room for coffee.

Deidara just rolled his eyes and took the plate of cookies to the bedroom he shared with Sasori, "Hey, I made cookies."

"Hmm…is there any sugar in it?" Sasori asked as his hand hovered above the plate.

"No, of course not, hm, what do I look like, an idiot?"

Sasori took one and bit into it, "These are great, I can't believe they're not even real cookies. They're just like real cookies. I can even taste the chocolate chips!"

Deidara couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not but didn't want to deal with it if he was, so he ignored Sasori, "Yeah, I used raisins for chocolate chips, they're practically the same thing."

"I agree." Sasori said as he took another one, "You know, we should make some raw vegan cookies later, using only carrots."

"That's a good idea, the crunch of the carrots will fool the mind into thinking they're really crispy cookies."

They sat on the bed eating for a few minutes, enjoying the soothing sound of the little desktop waterfall on the nightstand before a smell wafted in.

"What's that?" Deidara asked a few minutes later.

"Smells like…"

Sasori and Deidara exchanged horrified looks before running into the kitchen, Deidara was screaming, "What are you doing, hm?! You can't do that here!"

"You cro magnum man! Does an animal have to die everytime you want something to eat!?" Sasori demanded, grabbing the frying pan from the stove, dumping the bacon into the sink while running water over it and using a spoon to shove it down into the garbage disposal.

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?!" Hidan was furious, they had just wasted his bacon!

"We're saving the animals!" Deidara yelled, "What is wrong with you, hm?!"

"Saving…? Saving the fucking pig that was already DEAD?!" Hidan shouted, "You just wasted food, you wasted an animals life, it gave it's life so I could eat and you washed it down the fucking drain!"

"Here. You may eat these. You see, Hidan, man did not evolve to eat animals, it's really unnecessary these days, there are so many other, better options." Sasori said, handing Hidan two frozen patties of what could only be described, in his opinion, as looking like a pile of cow shit that had been compressed into a hockey puck shape, he was pretty sure there was even a piece of hay sticking out of them…or grass, either way it was something that did not belong in food.

Hidan held them, staring at them, "What…the fuck…is this?"

"They're vegan sausage patties, fry those up and eat them instead. It might not be considered raw, but at least it's vegan." Sasori even got him out a clean, new pan that was not covered in an animals fat.

"I'm about to join Zetsu and become a cannibal and start with the two of you!" Hidan poured an unhealthy amount of oil into the pan and threw the patties in, he was so hungry he didn't care what he was eating at that moment, how bad could they really be?

Once they were done, Hidan looked at them, they didn't smell bad, but…it wasn't the smell of meat, just lots of herbs, he took a bite anyways, and immediately spit it back out, "Oh Jashin." He gasped, trying not to gag.

"Was it too hot?" Sasori asked.

"No! It tastes like shit!" Hidan shouted, "It was like taking a bite of hay and dirt! I'm out of here." He grabbed his wallet and walked out the door.

"He's going to die of a heart attack before he's even forty…" Deidara sighed, very upset that Hidan had no interest in his own health.

"No, he's more likely to die in a back alley in a knife fight in the next six months than live into his thirties." Sasori pointed out.

When Hidan returned he had a reusable shopping bag with him and was confronted by Sasori and Deidara at the door.

"What's in the bag, hm?" Deidara stood there, blocking his way with arms crossed at his chest.


"We cannot allow any animal products past this point." Sasori told him, "Deidara is so distressed by your obvious lack of concern for your own well being and that of the animals you are killing that he meditated for the last two hours you've been gone to try to infuse your being with positivity and light."

"Huh, well, I felt some tingling in my left hand while I was eating my bacon donut cheeseburger."

Deidara turned a shade of green, "Oh my god, Hidan…that sounds disgusting. I feel sick. Tell me you did not eat that."

"I think that's a sign of a heart attack…" Sasori said to himself.

"Yeah, I ate it! And I felt sick after eating your disgusting shitty cookies and vegan sausages!"

"You didn't even eat them! You spit them out!" Deidara screamed, "Don't you care about your health?! Don't you care about the lives of the animals you eat?!"

Sasori wrapped an arm around Deidara and gently pet his hair, "Look at him, kind, sweet, loving Deidara who has never done anything wrong, standing here near to tears because you are slowly killing yourself by polluting your body with that filth you call food. When will you wake up? It's a slow suicide, the way you eat, Hidan."

"Blah, blah, blah. Poor, sweet Deidei can jump off a fucking bridge, get outta my face, both of you before I…" He reached into the grocery bag and took out a carton of full fat ice cream and took the lid off, "Eat this in front of you!" He licked the top of the ice cream and Deidara gasped.

"Take that outside!" Sasori demanded, "This is a cruelty free zone!"

"Oh come off your high horse, shitheads. Nothing died for this." Hidan licked the ice cream again

"You don't understand the dairy industry." Sasori said, "They separate the calves from the mothers and milk them by machines day and night! That baby cow never gets to see it's mother, how is that not cruel?"

"Shut the fuck up, ginger." Hidan said, "If you're quiet…you can hear the baby cow mooing for his mommy." He laughed maniacally and licked the ice cream again, "Oh yeah, tears of baby cows, delicious!"

"You are disgusting! I'm kicking you out!" Sasori shouted.

"Like hell you are, I paid for the month already! I'll call the cops!" Hidan lunged forward and licked Sasori's face, getting saliva and ice cream all over it.

Deidara stared in shock and Sasori, after collecting himself, kicked the shopping bag and container of ice cream out of Hidan's hand and it went flying out the front door, packages of bacon, a bag of bread that was full of gluten, and another carton of ice cream, filled with the tears of baby cows, flew through the air and hit the car.

A woman jogging by slowed to watch and then ran faster when she heard Hidan screaming obscenities at Sasori.

Deidara and Sasori watched as Hidan's face turned red and then purple with rage and lack of oxygen before he suddenly stopped screaming and clutched his chest in pain and grabbed the door for support.

Deidara called 911 to report a man having a heart attack, "Because he's a garbage disposal that eats everything! Oh my god, hurry! I think he's dying!"

"Deidara, stop screaming, your chakra is going out of control." Sasori took the phone and calmly told the 911 operator their address.

While Hidan was at the emergency room, racking up a huge bill he would never be able to pay, and getting checked for heart attack and stroke, Deidara and Sasori took it upon themselves and went through the kitchen, throwing away anything that was processed, pre-packaged, containing animal products, sugar, wheat or gluten, all the while commenting on Hidan's poor eating habits.

"No wonder he collapsed, I wouldn't be surprised if he died in the back of that ambulance." Sasori said, "Look at this, refined sugars, worse than fat they say these days." he threw the cookies in the trash, "And look, Dei, look at this bag of gluten." A bag of bread went in the trash next.

Deidara shook his head as he cleared the fridge of all sorts of food items holding them all out at arm's length as if being near it would contaminate him and his clean chakra.

"Just throw all this out too." Sasori said as he took all the frozen meat from the freezer.

"There! You know, he's going to be angry, but we just saved his life, yeah." Deidara smiled, looking very proud at the nearly empty kitchen except for a bag of kale, cauliflower, and cucumbers.

"Wait." Sasori grabbed Deidara by the arm as he looked at the stove in horror, "That's…Teflon."

"No." Deidara gasped, "We have been breathing this air that is contaminated with that poison?!"

They scrambled to wrap all the pots and pans in a garbage bag and opened the windows, "We'll have to cleanse the air, but first we need to get all this garbage outside."

"Then we need to go buy some real food for when he gets home, he'll be hungry after spending all day at the ER." Sasori said, "Let's go."

On their way out of the house, they took the several bags of 'garbage', which was actually all of Hidan's food and cookware, which he wasn't going to need anymore on his new raw vegan diet, down to the trash bin at the curb. An elderly man was walking by.

"Are you throwing out all that food?" He asked.

"Yes, we are." Deidara told him.

"Has it gone bad?"

"No, but it's very bad for you."

"Might I take it? I don't have much as I'm on a fixed income and-"

"Oh my god, no!" Deidara gasped, "I couldn't let you take and eat this! It's utter filth! It would kill you!"

They threw the bags into the bin and felt very good about themselves as they drove in their Prius to the privately owned natural and organic food store where they spent a lot of money that they didn't have and charged on a credit card Deidara's dad would pay off, to buy organic fruits and vegetables and raw nuts and seeds and some alkaline waters.

"Remember not to scan them." Sasori told the girl with pink hair at the checkout stand, "We don't want any extra radiation from that thing to contaminate our food."

"I know, you tell me every time you two come in here, which is several times a week." She said with a tight lipped smile, "But it doesn't actually work that way, you see there's isn't any-"

"Shhhhhsshhhhhssshhhhshh…" Sasori shushed her, "I don't need to hear from someone who clearly doesn't know what they're talking about," he looked at her name tag, "Sakura. Just input the bar codes as usual." He looked at her hair for a moment, "You know, bleaching your hair is very dangerous, do you know your scalp absorbs all that poison? You might as well just be shooting into your veins, I can see that your chakra is affected by it."

Sakura took a deep breath as she started to input each and every code into the register as the line backed up and people started complaining. Someone mentioning that they were going to shop at Whole Foods from now on.

"You do that." Sasori told them, "Go and get your extra radiations and not really organic organic foods. Support corporate greed and the like! You probably aren't even vegan!"

Deidara spoke very gently, "Sasori, my man…your chakra, it's becoming angry."

"Oh my fucking god." The blond boy behind them groaned.