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Welcome to Night Vale: The Nice and Unoffical Fan Episode

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Introduction.

WTNV/GO Cross over.

The End is coming, it's right around the corner if you run and hide it might not find you.

[BEAT]

Welcome, to Night Vale.

SFX: Opening Titles.

Good evening listeners, to start things off this evening, I would like to read this bulletin from Sherif's Sam's secret Police:

Two newcomers have been spotted near the edge of town, they have been seen driving a vintage car, large, black and ominous. A looming shape on the horizon that brings up the still desert dust in a swirl that catches the setting sun and drowns it with an orange hue.

John Peters, you know, The Farmer? Welcomed the oncoming car with a raised finger and yelled “Interloper!” however as the car was far off in the distance and only slowly getting closer, he was unable to see the drivers. No one knows what this looming motor vehicle's intentions are at this time. More on this story as we uncover it's secrets.

In other news, Night Vale's local Water Company has been taken to court over their continued use of carbon monoxide to punish late bill payers.

MUSIC NOTE: ETHEREAL POCKET – SHORT AND SIMPLE

“Look, we just think it's fair that if you don't pay your bills, we get to poison you.” A Water Company representative said from within a flooded storm drain.

“It's only fair that if you die, we get all your stuff. Like that new Nintendo Switch lite you had been talking about getting for ages, I mean, if you're dead, you're not going to need it riiiiight?”

Initial court proceedings have been slow as jury members have been complaining that they are without water...and several of them are dead. A further statement from the Water Company read “Hey, I don't know how that happened, probably somebody needed to pay their bills?” Further questions were asked by the gathered press, however the representative began to chug large glasses of water and then started to gargle really obnoxiously. Like...wow it was loud.

Listeners, an update on the mysterious car entering town. It is a dark black Bentley, it's vintage windows hiding vintage faces. Dark glass hiding dark intentions. It moved with the precision of a well-timed knife, and with an aura that disturbed the local angels. (Erika), who all turned to look at the approaching car with a mixture of confusion, fear, anger and awe. Perhaps they had never seen a vintage Bentley before...or perhaps they knew what it's sinister contents are.

Janice Rio, from down the street, said she that she managed to catch a glimpse of the two occupants of the car before they continued to drive to the Moonlite All Night Diner. She noted that they appeared to be two men. One, who walked like a snake trapped in a laundry bag, while the other, skipped like sunshine on a scooter. One thing of interest that she noted on the taller man was that he wore thick dark sunglasses and that he had a tattoo of a snake, just in front of the left ear.

“Kids these days!” Janice said, they will do anything to look hip and cool!

The taller of the two, the snake laundry bag man, called to his companion as they walked into the Diner. Telling him to “Come along Angel.” he crooned in a bored drawl.

Janice didn't catch the rest of what was said, and she wasn't sure if the term Angel was either a literal term...or a term of endearment. But she was happy for them either way.

Aw, that's sweet.

Oh, she also noted that she pointed and yelled Interloper in the usual fashion as they entered the Diner, only for the tall man to hiss in an overly demonic fashion and....apparently unhinge his jaw slightly. Well listeners, who are we to judge to habits of folks out of town? We're a welcoming community after all!

Sherif Sam has noted that it would be wise for all citizens to be on the alert for these newcomers and to be aware of any suspicious activity. Including, the liberal use of wheat and wheat by-products, unlawful use of blue, green and toupee colours of magic and talking too loudly about the latest series of Killing Eve. Yes, we all know it's online and we can check it out at any time, but some of us have busy lives and we would not like the series opener spoiled for us thank you very much, John!

Ahem....

 

And now, it's time for our Fun Fact Children's science corner! And today, we have a question from the audience, isn't that wonderful listeners? Today's question comes from Neil Patrick, of Night Vale junior high, and he asks.

“Dear... oh that's not quite how you spell my name Neil. Better luck next time. We hear a lot about Omens in class. But it's something that never really comes up in the curriculum, you mention that a while ago you got your Weird Scout Badge, which means you might be able to help us.”

Well, Neil, I just happen to have a partial list of government-mandated Omens here for you! Let's see here...

MUSIC NOTE: ETHEREAL POCKET – FADES IN, GETS MORE COMPLEX

One Small Raven
Two Large Ravens
A single mournful Raven.
An empty laundromat.
Your mother's bedroom...now pale and vacant.
A distant voice you remember, but only in dreams.
That one odd burnt penny you have.
That ringing phone you can never reach in time.
A discarded lotto ticket.

A copy of Paul Blart Mall Cop...but it's actually a grainy VHS recording of dark shapes in the distance, calling your name and getting closer and closer. They are powerful, formless beings, they know you, they know all about you. They tell you secrets, secrets of things you tried to forget, secrets that others tried to forget telling you. There's a tunnel, the shapes lead you there, into the growing darkness, you ask them questions and they only reply with faint whispers like gas escaping from a fractured methane tank

“Reememmbeeerrr.”

They hiss over and over and over again until the tunnel is so dark now you feel the weight of it pressing into your very soul. You're nothing now, nothing but the darkness as you fade from all existence, from all being, all self-identity and knowledge of yourself is consumed by this void. You and the void are one, one being one creation. One everlasting thing, spanning time, spanning space. You are space. You feel the glow of the cosmos inside you. Stars turn in your inner depths, pulsars are your eyes and nebula are your lungs. You beyond everything. And you always were.

MUSIC NOTE: LINGERS FOR A MOMENT AFTER SPEECH, THEN STOPS

And of course, walking under a ladder. That one's a given.

All of these mean different things, of course, some Omens are good, some are bad. The trick is knowing which ones are good, for instance, the empty laundromat MIGHT be good, if you happen to be carrying the discarded lotto ticket...well if not. It's bad.

These are just some of the government-mandated Omens that we see in our daily lives. I hope this helps Neil, this concludes our fun fact children's science corner!

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Dread, for sweaty parts, ragged breathing, panic, terror at the unknown. You need Dread! It's looming, it's coming, and there is no escape!

MUSIC NOTE: BEDROOM BEATS THEME – getting more and more distorted

 

We now return now to our story of the newcomers already in progress. After leaving the Moonlite All Night Diner, the two people, one who is tall and walks like a snake in a laundry bag turned to his friend, the one that looked like if sunshine on a scooter was a person and asked

“Should we...ask for directions?”
“Probably.” The sunshine man replied. “What's the worst that could happen?”
“They're very ...shouty” The snake man added. “But we can ask them over there.”

He pointed with a spindly elongated finger towards Sigrid Borg.

“Oi! Lady with extra pinky!” He said, pointing. “I'm looking for the library!”

But all Sigrid could do was to look upon both of them and weep. At press time it is unknown if this was because she was insulted by the comment of the extra pinky, or some other sort of supernatural event.

Before she could say or do anything however, the sunshine man hushed her with a soothing smile.

“Oh dear my dear. I'm so sorry about him. You have such a lovely town here, and my friend and I were just looking for the local library.”

As he spoke Sigrid noted that everything seemed wonderfully warm. She explained that the library was on the other side of town, and that they wouldn't be able to get in because of the 24 hour armed guard and electrified fence. The sunshine man seemed confused at this, complaining that it was no way to treat books.

Sigrid tried to explain that the guards were to keep in the vicious and deadly librarians that roam the shelves. (As well as the forbidden knowledge that books hold) However, neither of the men seemed to care all that much for her warnings. With a cheery wave, he got back into the ominous black car with his snake friend and drove away.

Serif Sam has issued a state of high alert due to this revelation and will be making certain that no one gets in or out of the library.
“At least the front doors will be guarded.” They said. “We maintain the tightest of security at the front of the building, and we're pretty sure no one will use the backdoor fire escape which is propped open with a brick.” Well, good luck to our brave secret police officers who will be guarding the library with, no doubt, their very lives. More on this story as it develops.

[A little calmer and less formal]

So, listeners. You might have noticed something slightly different about today's broadcast. There's a very simple reason for that. We are....coming to you live from another part of the multi-verse. We're not exactly sure why this has happened, but I have spoken to resident Night Vale Multi-dimensional theorist Doctor Patric Augustberg to find out why.

When I spoke to him, Patric he simply to pointed to several large and complex chalkboards proclaiming “It's all there if you just look!” Several of the notes where nothing more than scribbles on how the consistency of phonebooks have gotten smaller over the last few years. I did try to explain to him that it's mostly because we use the internet now. But he just kept going on and on and on about something to do with hyper-dimensional theory and tiny wormholes that live in the government underground pulsar research facility.

In the end, he gave me a large spool of magnetic tape and said that these were all his notes on the matter and if I just listened to it everything will make sense. Well listeners...shall we give it a spin?

[STATIC SOUNDS MIXED WITH RUNNING WATER AND A BACKWARDS VOICE READING – IT'S JUST A FAN WRITTEN EPISODE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.]

[Long pause]

Well! I think that clears up everything nicely, doesn't it?

MUSIC NOTE: SOMETHING DRAMATIC TO CUT INTO THE EVENTS WHICH ARE NOW TAKING PLACE, RAMP UP THE DRAMA WITH THE BREAKING NEWS.

Breaking news listeners! The totally locked down Night Vale Library has been broken into. No one is quite certain as to how the large electrical fence had been bypassed. Though it might have something to do with the fact that it was not electrified. We reached out to city council for a comment on this matter.

“Yeah yeah yeah.” City Council said as they hurriedly began to roll up the window of their Uber. “You know what it's like, electrical fences are SoooOOOoooooOOOooo expensive to run all the time. We just thought it would be easier if we bought a regular fence and just put up signs. No one would be dumb enough to actually try to climb it! How were we supposed to know that wood doesn't conduct electricity?” They concluded as their cab began to hurtle away down the street.

Oh no...Even more, breaking news just in listeners. Now that the defence fences have been broken down, the pack of feral librarians that have been clawing at the doors of the building are now free and have begun to roam the streets of Night Vale.

As we hurtle into a bloody and painful future not knowing of what is to come next, the default feeling for so many of us....must I take you now to...

The Weather...

[THE WEATHER PLAYS]

Well, listeners, the relative perception of normality has been restored. It turns out that our mysterious and possibly threatening visitors to our town where quite able to simply round up the librarians and return them to where they came from. Which was nice. The one who is tall seemed to pull from the ground with a snap of his fingers and the librarians just decided that terrorising that town was too boring and they all really needed all to go home.

This strange act seemed to further alarm Night Vale's own resident angles, with sounds that...could be offence...or could be confusion. It's hard to understand what they are thinking. But in a letter posted through the crack between my ceiling tiles, they addressed the matter as such.

“We believe that their sort isn't welcome in the town. They have no respect for the hierarchy and thought they could just storm in here and do what they like. They should go back to their bookshop where they belong before upper management hears about this!”

The letter was enclosed with several black feathers that gently vibrated and seemed to hum with a strange energy that doesn't seem to be of this dimension.

Larry Leroy, (out on the edge of town) called in to say that he did manage to overhear the two talk just outside the library (from inside one of the city's many anti-librarian shelters) to say that they seemed to be looking for something that could help save the world. Probably a book, or a more likely a lost library card.

And well listeners, as soon as our new visitors arrived, they just left. Seemingly unable to check a book out of library....probably because the librarians were all busy escaping...

But now they depart. Their slightly less ominous black car turning past the Arby's as it scatters the lights, causing them to spiral and turn in confusion. Up past City Hall. Past The Desert Flower Bowling and Arcade Fun Complex. And right past the abandoned lot at the edge of town. Engine humming and stereo singing as the two move on to places new. In their wake, a could of desert dust catches the air, turning in the clouds and illuminated by the soft partial moon.

I suppose this might be a lesson in being able to learn something new from strangers as well as being able to put aside some sort of preformed prejudiced in order to come to a common goal in being able to fight an oppressive force or forces that is hellbent on following its own blind and foolish imperative. Or perhaps...the dangers of a lost library card and the horrible impending fees that an overdue book can incur.

But who really knows? My shift is going to end soon. And I have a really biiiiiig bowl of pasta salad at home with my name on it So...anyway I think that means I can- Oh.

Listeners. Something has just come in via the hidden pneumatic package-delivery tube that is under my desk. Let's see here. It's a box. With something inside...inside the box is...oh. It's a book.

Called..The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.

Well, that probably has nothing to do with anything.

Stay tuned next for the actual cannon episode playing.

And as always - Goodnight...Night Vale. Good Night.

 

Welcome to night vale is production by Comonplace books and is normally written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craynor. This episode wasn't.

Good Omens was Written By Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchet.

The voice of Night Vale was Moira Daykin.

This episode's weather was “The Return” By Moira Daykin, you can hear more at bandlab.com/mechamoira

Special thanks to Sam, who put up with me throughout the episode's production.

Comments? Questions? Hit us up below.

Today's proverb.

Please, it's just a fan show. It's just a fan show. Please don't sue us. It's just a fan show. A fan show I tell you. Please, please don't sue us! Please! Please! Please Please! Please!