Lan Xichen has never felt the way he feels for Jiang Wanyin, and it is frightening all the same as it is exhilarating.
Jiang Wanyin makes him feel like the world is theirs and at the same time he feels like one day when the whole world is against him, it would not matter because Jiang Wanyin is his universe.
He is the one who hung the stars and the moon, the one who rotates the whole earth around the sun, the rain that drenches his crops, the hurricane that destroys and rebuilds his mountains of feelings. He has never loved like this before, he has felt a deeper bond with his family and sworn brothers, but it was never quite like how he harbors these feelings for Jiang Wanyin.
The irrational bitterness of jealousy he sometimes felt when he sees the man, who, rarely has the edges of his lips curled up, but then he sees how Jiang Wanyin would fondly sometimes look at his brother or his nephew.. he sometimes wishes it is him instead, being in the receiving end of his affections.
How Lan Xichen strongly fights himself so he can stops and holds himself back from marching towards Jiang Wanyin and just shelter him from all the hurt and pain the world has been throwing at them, at him . How sometimes he wants to reach out and just holds the other’s calloused palm but so warm in his own, how sometimes he wants to wipe the frown and bring back the light in his eyes, Lan Xichen is selfish. He wants everything that is Jiang Wanyin, and he is terrified by the revelation. He wants him so badly that his heart hurts sometimes from feeling so much, so so much for just a single person, that he does not think he is able to contain it.
The day he finds Jiang Wanyin, standing with white robes underneath looming trees with blossoming flowers, the petals flutter as it falls gently on the quiet figure, with butterflies surrounding him, he looks almost ethereal and so humanly divine. when Jiang Wanyin notices his presence and the smile, the smile that he gives only to Lan Xichen, one that he never gave to anyone, not since... everything that happened, the one smile that makes the world suddenly spins with slow motion, Lan Xichen has to hold his breath and keep his eyes open, petrified of even blink, to exhale, afraid the moment will disappear, Jiang Wanyin to disappear.
Then, the other walks toward him, clasping his both hands together, securing something to share with Lan Xichen, “ L an Huan, ” he says a greeting, eyes alight with mirth. He looks so different now, calmer, gentler, softer... so content with himself, at peace, and Lan Xichen does not want to take it away from him, telling him this raging storm of feelings he contains tightly in his chest for the other.
“ I ’ve got something for you, ” he speaks again, now so close, so near to Lan Xichen, that if.. if Lan Xichen leans a bit more closer their foreheads will touch, nose closer, and lips nearer— the distance between them then vanishes, warm lips against ones Lan Xichen remembered to have seen colored purple and blue almost white.. of which now are awakening every part of him, gently burning him from the inside out.
Hands not remembering to have moved, motions about to gather the surprised man in front of him, pulling him close, guiding his lips closer, inhaling the other wholly until he is the only thing Lan Xichen can think about.
Forever feels like a moment in passing as they need air to breathe, but Lan Xichen would rather lose all his breath for Jiang Wanyin. Jiang Wanyin, hands cupping Lan Xichen’s elbow as he half turns to look at the sky, searching for something, then, “You surprised me, now the butterfly has flown away. I thought of giving you to release it, I hear you can make a wish,” he says, not looking at Lan Xichen.
“Wanyin,” he calls, look at me, voice like the blowing wind. The other turns back to him, when their eyes met, Lan Xichen feels like collapsing in his arms. “Did you make your wish?,” he asks, feeling breathless all of a sudden. A beat feels so long, then Jiang Wanyin chuckles, raising an eyebrow at him.
“ D id you make yours?, ” he asks back.
Lan Xichen stares at him, gaze so fond it makes the other feels warm all over. “I do not find the need to make a wish,” he answers, the palm that was cupping his elbow now slips into Lan Xichen’s own hand, he cradles the hand on his, thumb pressing a pressure to the pulse, feeling every pulsing beat, he counts it patiently in his heart.
“E veryone has a wish, ” Jiang Wanyin says, fingers curling to hold Lan Xichen’s wrist. “You wanted to give yours to me,” Lan Xichen states, holding the other’s gaze. It is almost a question, which it is. Jiang Wanyin now smiles, there is a pinch of sadness but it is ever so subtle it almost inexistent. Lan Xichen wants to drink it away, let him feel it too, to understand better, so Jiang Wanyin does not have to feel it anymore. So they can feel it together, so that his beloved will never have to feel anything alone.
“But how can I make a wish when it has already come true,” Lan Xichen continues, tucking the stray hair behind Jiang Wanyin’s ears, swiping his thumb so gently on his cheek. There is so many he wants to say, that the books in the Pavilion Library and the Forbidden Room combined, not even the ink of the ocean, the dirt on the ground, the light from the sky, will never be enough for Lan Xichen to ever convey what he feels for the other, “It’s you,” he breathes, stepping closer, “You’re what I’ve wished for, what I’ve wanted, what I’ve searched and found. Jiang Wanyin, I am in love with you,”
In love with you,
Jiang Wanyin closes his eyes, leans in closer to the warm touch on his cheeks, a hand rests on it. His fingers interlace with Lan Xichen’s, and he holds it as is.
“Y ou are a silly man, A-huan. You have the whole world’s eyes on you, from the deepest bottom of the lakes to the heavens above, you have them all. Yet ,” Jiang wanyin opens his eyes, cranes his neck a little bit higher, the tip of his nose tickles the sides of Lan Xichen’s face. He does not finish his sentence, but Lan Xichen knows what he is about to say.
“Y et .” jiang wanyin hums, uttering a single word. He is closer now, his lips touching the shell of Lan Xichen’s ear. There is no question to his statement.
For a passing moment Lan Xichen thinks that this will be the last time he will feel this warmth, that if he blinks his eyes just one time, he will be holding scattered petals and fluttering butterflies ascending to the air brought forth by the breezing wind instead. That this is all a dream, an achingly wonderful, frightfully sublime, and he will wake up again with cold touch, freezing ground, and a steeling silence.
“Y ou have got only one wish, Lan Huan. ”
If he blinks...
If he dares to even blink just a fraction of a second...
If he even dare to blink just once,
“Your everything is my only wish, Jiang Wanyin,”
Would you still be here?