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if it's with you

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( once, you might have loved them. the human heart is a fickle thing, after all. who’s to say what you can or cannot feel? 


them, apparently.


you think that you still have the capability to love, despite everything. you want to love yourself and others. you want to be happy again. is it so wrong for an ordinary human to think this way? 


they're ordinary hopes for an ordinary person. you're glad for it. 


except… is it what you deserve? does your happiness matter anymore? will it ever, to the people around you? 


they’re gone now. aren't you free? 


you’ve done all an ordinary human can. ordinary, meaningless actions. so much, so little, all at once.


it still isn’t enough. ) 

( is it wrong to miss them? 


you find yourself doing it, again and again. making mistakes, not learning from them- you're such a fool, aren't you? 


two years. slightly more than that, though it feels like forever. maybe it'll go on like this, for eternity. 


when is it time to move on? ) 



( the emotions you feel for him are messy and complicated. it’s warm and gentle. it’s miserable and suffocating. feeling everything yet nothing at once. 


of course they’d be the only one who could ever make you feel this way. they’re special, after all. 


to you especially. 


you wonder if you were ever special to them. in a good way. did they ever say so? or give you some form of acknowledgement? 


hopefully, by the time you realise the answer, you’d already have gone mad. ) 

( they never did tell you anything. it was all secrets and games with them, wasn’t it? 


you just wish you realised it before it was too late. maybe then, you would have been happier. who knows?


because the choice has been made, there's no going back. such are the rules you have to play by. ) 

( it’s hard to find happiness when you felt it most with them.


no. no, it wasn't happiness at all, was it?


just a bitter, corrupted sense of contentment. ) 

( hm? if I could make a wish? well… 


that’s a secret, Hiyori. if I tell you, then it won’t happen, see? 


pfft. sure. I’ll tell you when it’s fulfilled. if it's fulfilled. 


wait till then, okay? 


yeah. it’s a promise. ) 

( you never did tell them what you wished for. a bit too late for that now. 


hm? what you wished for…? that’s- 


well. you just wished for them to be happy, is all. 


hopefully, they can do that in hell. ) 

( anger and sadness grow from the same branch. they are, essentially, the same. you don't feel one without feeling the other.  


of course, you've felt both in relatively large amounts over a particular matter. 


really, all you want to do is sock them in the face. is that truly too much to ask for? )  

( fake it fake it fake it- what an absolute faker you are. 


you want to blame them for this. because of them, you turned out to be this absolute atrocity. it’s so easy to just… push all the blame on them. 


and yet. you’re still here, not even making an effort to change. it’s better this way, isn’t it? people like you better if you’re like this. 


so it isn’t their fault. once, it might have been. but now? it’s all yours. it's all on you now. 


because you know that you’re wrong, yet you don’t do anything to change. ha. haha. 


you’re a monster just like them. how fitting. )