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English
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Published:
2019-10-01
Completed:
2019-11-01
Words:
73,951
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32/32
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188
Kudos:
286
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Whumptober 2019 (ephemeral-afterlight)

Chapter 14: Day 14: Tear-stained

Summary:

Prompt no.14, "Tear-stained".

Take a deep breath and embrace what you're feeling.

Warnings in end notes!

Notes:

Word Count: 1314

Relationships: Loceit (up for interpretation/ambiguous; can be read as romantic, platonic, neither, or somewhere in between)

A/N: THIS ONE’S ACTUALLY ON TIME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA;;;; anyway omg hope y’all enjoy this Logan Angst™ because y’all know it feeds my life force

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

They’re not real. They can’t be.

He’s Logic. He’s only Logic, not Passion, not Creativity, not Morality, not anything but cold, hard facts. He’s Logic. He’s Logic, so he can’t have feelings and emotions. They’re impractical, they just get in the way, and they’re absolutely non-essential to his purpose. So they’re not real. It’s impossible for them to be real, because he doesn’t have feelings. He knows they’re not real, that they shouldn’t be there. So why are the tears still dripping hot on his cheeks?

Logic is annoyed, frustrated, irritated because he shouldn’t be crying. He can’t cry, because crying is caused by emotion, something he’d like to remind he doesn’t have. He shouldn’t be here, holed up in the corner of his pristine, dark closet, muffling his sobs with shaky fingers. He shouldn’t be pressing his face into his drawn-up knees, shouldn’t be curled up as tiny as he can into the wall. He shouldn’t be hiding behind the hanging fabric of his shirts, shouldn’t be so overwhelmed he can barely think properly, but he is. He is and he doesn’t understand why.

He’s always been a neutral, unbiased force within Thomas. His job is to act as his host’s Logic, unfeeling and unfettered by social expectations. He is here to act as Thomas’ critical thinking and fact recollection. He isn’t emotional. He doesn’t have emotions. That’s Patton’s area of expertise, Morality’s job. He’s not supposed to care about himself. He doesn’t have wants or needs or feelings. Logic exists only to serve Thomas as a core aspect of his being, to be his function and nothing more. 

Logic knows this. Logic knows this, so when will he stop crying already?

And it started because of something childish, too! It wasn’t even that big of a deal. He shouldn’t be crying because of Virgil saying that he’s insensitive, because of Roman calling him a “mean robot”, because of Patton telling him “just because you don’t have feelings, it doesn’t mean you disregard the feelings of everyone else”. It’s not that bad. It’s really not that bad. He’s used to it by now, he seriously is! He even made himself into a robot puppet for them because he knew they’d like him accepting his inhuman personality. But…

Then why is he crying? Why is he so upset over this? They’re right, so why does he want to do something, anything to go back to that familiar state of apathy? Why is it that he can operate perfectly fine without feelings, but a few words can force a metaphorical crack in his brain to let an avalanche of emotions leak out? Why? Why? He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t want to feel like this, he doesn’t want to cry, he doesn’t want to hate himse–

And then light is flooding the closet, and Logic can’t see a thing through the tears blurring his vision, and his stinging arms feel wet. He’s being lifted up, brought into someone’s arms easily, too easily. The fabric of their clothing is unbelievably soft, and they smell like rose water, and Logic really hopes that Deceit closed his bedroom door.

“Logan, you can’t hurt yourself like this,” Deceit murmurs as he sets him on the sink counter, furrows his brows as he takes Logic’s shaking arms in his gentle grip. He reassures him that it’s okay, everything’s okay, he’s not mad at him, he’s going to help him. He wipes the blood away with a damp cloth, and then his tears away with smooth fingertips, and Logic can finally see Deceit’s sad eyes boring into his own.

“Can’t– ‘m not… I’m Logic. I can’t h-have feelings. Why am I crying?” Logic asks, hoarse and small, and Deceit gathers his stiff body in his arms again. Some part of Logic wants to be embarrassed by the treatment, but then Deceit snaps his fingers, instantaneously replaces Logic’s day clothing for his favourite unicorn onesie, and Logic doesn’t really care anymore. “Shouldn’t– be like this.”

Deceit just sighs as he sets Logic slowly onto his bed, adjusts his pillow and fixes the placement of his head, and Logic doesn’t really know what to think. Deceit pulls the covers up and tucks them underneath his legs like a small child would want, and Logic yearns for something he’s unable to pinpoint. Then the other side’s laying down next to him, cradles his head and presses it into his chest and lays an arm and a leg over him as a comforting, safe weight, and… ah.

That’s what it was.

Why? He shouldn’t need this. He shouldn’t need reassurances and gentle words and tactile comfort. He doesn’t have feelings, and therefore there should be no reason why he… he needs this. He shouldn’t need the tight embrace, the protective arms around him like a safe cage from negativity, but he does, and he doesn’t– he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand. So he says so.

“I’m– I’m Logic. I’m only here to further Thomas’ knowledge and get him through academic pursuits. I’m just here to help him ‘think straight’, as one would say. I don’t– I can’t have emotions. Feelings are not imperative to my function, and are in fact a detriment in most cases. S-So why? Why am I– I–” Logic stutters, recites a spiel that he says to himself every single day, and his head feels like it’s wrapped in a figurative fog, a haze that sets deep into his psyche. Nothing feels real. He doesn’t feel real.

“I shouldn’t exist,” Logic mumbles, and Deceit’s hands squeeze a little tighter around his waist as if to make sure that he can’t just up and vanish. Maybe he shouldn’t be saying this. He should probably keep this to himself. Yeah. Yeah, he should. He should stop talking. He’s going to stop talking. Right. “It would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here. I’m broken. I can’t perform my function properly because for some reason, it seems I’ve developed these false ‘feelings’. I’m no longer of use to Thomas. I’m worthless. Have… have been for a long time. I should just disappear. A new Logic will form in my place, a better one, one that is emotionless and stoic as Logic should be. I can’t– I can’t burden you guys and Thomas any longer. It’s unacceptable.”

Huh. So much for shutting up.

“You… no. That’s not it. Yes, you are Logic. You are in charge of Thomas’ knowledge, and academics, and logical thinking. But you are also Logan, who urges Thomas to learn and discover new things. You are his curiosity, and his drive to better himself, and his wonder about the world around him. You keep him on track, and focused, and on schedule. You work so hard to make sure Thomas is living the healthiest and most fulfilling life he can. 

“It’s okay if you make mistakes. It’s okay if you aren’t always perfect, because not only is it impossible to be perfect, you shouldn’t be 100% flawless, either. Imperfection is, in itself, what makes us real. You’re not perfect. But you shouldn’t be perfect, you should be Logan. You’re Logan, who loves space and the stars. You love the ocean, and learning about the depths. You love animals, and coffee, and reading, and onesies. You are Logan, and you are imperfect, and you’re one-of-a-kind. Nobody can replace you. We don’t want Logic, we want Logan. We want our friend.”

Maybe… maybe Deceit is right. Maybe it’s okay to not always understand everything, to have to learn how to be more accommodating of others, and to also be more accommodating of himself. Maybe it’s fine if he gets things wrong sometimes, if he makes mistakes. Maybe… maybe it’s alright to be Logan, here, crying into Deceit’s chest, and maybe, just maybe, it’s okay to be flawed after all.

Notes:

CONTENT WARNINGS:

Self-hatred
Emotional repression
Minor suicide ideation
Minor derealization
Non-graphic self-harm (scratching)
Blood mentions
Touch starvation
Cursing