My relationship with Jungkook has always been one of admiration and idolization. JK being the youngest and me falling short behind him, I subconsciously took up the responsibility to make sure he would always feel loved, comfortable and safe. I was eighteen myself, still a kid, but I wanted to make sure I could be there for Jungkook. I couldn't imagine moving away from my home, the ones I loved and my family, to join a group of boys I've never met before, at the age of 16. I admire Jungkook, even then, he was an amazing singer, could dance better than some of the other members, attractive, had a good body and was adorable and innocent.
During BTS's first debut, I received an extreme amount of comments saying I was chubby and feminine. It didn't help that I had a high pitched voice and that my face & body was still going through changes due to puberty. I know that the other members shared the same amount of worries and horrible criticism but I'm afraid I wasn't as thick skinned, mature and confident as the other guys. It got to me. I started to, in a way, obsess over Jungkook. I was amazed at how much the fans loved him & Taehyung and always took mental notes as to what I can do to better myself.
We shared a bedroom as a band. It was crowded and sometimes uncomfortable but what else does one expect from a newly established company. I had hope for BigHit. I could tell, in a weird way, that we weren't just some kpop boy-band but that we were possibly special, that is what I hoped for. At times I would stare for maximum 5 seconds at the other member’s bodies, to compare and admire their bodies with mine. I liked Jungkook's body the most. That probably makes me a pervert but I enjoyed complimenting him, teasing him, making him shy. His skin looked almost doll like and his small developing muscles and lean body became something I unhealthily strived for. I started to work out more and diet, believing that the fans would like me more if I became thinner or stronger, that they could look at me as if I was a man, that I was masculine and sexy.
For a while, I would tease Jungkook and obnoxiously flirt with him because I though the way he reacted was adorable. He was quite, shy and nervous most of the time. Though despite the teasing, I would always comfort him and make sure he was okay. I felt as if I could easily understand and relate to him the most and that his struggles were mine, as I didn't want him to face them alone. He would beg for independence and for me to stop caring about him so much but I knew that he secretly enjoyed the unfamiliar sensation of someone caring for you like a family since he didn't spend much time with his due to him being sent to the USA for dance practices along with auditions for talent companies, shows and competitions. Jungkook was spoilt by the fans, by me, by the rest of BTS. I'm actually not surprised that he turned out the complete opposite of an arrogant idol. The hard times, discipline and pressure molded Jungkook into a person I suddenly fell madly infatuated with.
Tae, Jungkook and I have always been a sub-unit aside from Hoseok, Namjoon, Yoongi and Jin. We were the youngest, most inexperienced in terms of life and most vulnerable members to the criticism that BTS faced. We, as a trio, stuck together. It grounded me as our friendship reminded me of that which normal teenagers might've had. We were foolish, naive, fresh faced and anxious to what the world had installed for us.
We started to grow a small fan base quite quickly, this drove me and the rest of BTS through the times we wanted to give up, but we prayed and supported each other, even when it felt as if we blamed and hated each other. I joined BigHit because I've always loved performing, I didn't expect to blow up, to find my best friends, to find meaning in myself and to find a family but most importantly and unexpectedly, I didn't expect to find a soulmate. My soulmate, someone whom I've looked up to and admired, someone who I never dreamed of loving, and that is Jungkook. The beginning of it all was messy, confusing and scary, but eventually the passion and compassion we have for and to each other couldn't hide itself anymore, resulting in complete Serendipity & Euphoria.