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Why I Never!

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Jane smiles softly to herself, taking in the way all the lights in the bar are starting to merge into a giant big swirly thing of light. She's fairly certain there's a word to describe that effect, but she's too tipsy to think of it. Patterson might know, but she's also fairly certain that Patty's beyond tipsy and flat-out drunk at this point. She looks over at Patterson, distracted by the way the neon light is reflecting off of her friend's hair.

 

She's interrupted from her musings by Allie rudely elbowing her in the ribs. "What?"

 

"Are you or are you not going to drink to that?" Allie asks. "Keeping in mind that you're a fucking liar if you try to tell us that you two haven't done that."

 

"Uh…" Jane has no clue what's going on. She'd tuned out the conversation when she got distracted by the lights.

 

"Jesus, Jane." Allie starts muttering. "You are so full of bullshit."

 

Tasha interrupts her before she can really get going. "I don't think Jane's trying to get out of drinking, I think she wasn't paying any attention and didn't hear what I said."

 

Jane nods. "Not a clue what you said, sorry." It's a lie in that she's not the tiniest bit sorry.

 

"I said," Tasha says slowly, rolling her eyes. "I've never had sex in any of the FBI holding cells."

 

"Drink!" Allie demands. "I already did, the rest of these pussies would never, your turn."

 

Jane rolls her eyes, then slowly sips from her margarita.

 

"Told you." Allie sings out to the group. "Did I not tell you?"

 

"Oh, please, like it was a secret." Tasha counters. "We all know that they got it on in the cells to make up for when the Secret Service interrupted them. They weren't subtle about it. Especially when Kurt had to ask a janitor to clean…"

 

"Ewww!" Sarah interrupts, wrinkling her nose. "Could you please not give me any details? I'm okay with us playing this ridiculous game as long as things are vague, but don't tell me the TMI stuff! Especially anything involving my brother. That's just… no."

 

"So you want to suck all the fun out of the game?" Allie bitches. "I want to hear all about it! I'll tell you all about the time that Conor and I…"

 

"NO!" Everyone else at the table screams in unison.

 

"You people," Allie starts to lecture them, but Sarah distracts her.

 

"I've never had a dream about a coworker." She pauses, slight smile on her face. "Wait, no, everyone is someone's coworker. I've never had a dream about one of my own coworkers. I've definitely dreamed about one of your coworkers."

 

"Reade." Patterson, Tash, Jane, and Allie sigh at the same time.

 

"Girl," Tasha starts to say, then stops, holding up her hands in mock surrender. "Nope, not my place, not interfering."

 

"Boring, but effective." Allie praises Sarah. "Good way to get most of us to drink. Well done."

 

Allie, Jane, and Patterson grab their drinks; Jane's more than a little bit surprised when Tasha does too. "Oh?" She has to ask, because that seems like something Tasha really should have mentioned and shared sooner, like when it happened.

 

Tasha flushes for a micro-second, then recovers. "She didn't say it was a sex dream, just a dream. You better believe I've had some nightmares about some of our cases."

 

Allie quickly slaps her hand down over Tasha's wrist, stopping her from taking the drink. "Sarah, be more specific. Rephrase it properly."

 

"That's not fair." Tasha stammers. "You can't go changing the statement after everyone's had their drink!"

 

"Is so fair." Patterson drunkenly argues back. "We all know Jane and Allie had or have sex dreams about Kurt. Of course they did, why wouldn't they? You all know about me and the epic asshole monster." She hisses on the word 'asshole', and Jane can't tell if it's an effect of the alcohol or the memory of Borden. "Plus, Lincoln. We would have taken the drink regardless of how she phrased it. You're the only iffy one, and you've not taken your sip yet. Sarah's statement is still in play."

 

Sarah blurts out "I've never had a sex dream about one of my own coworkers", effectively ending the conversation.

 

Allie lets go of Tasha's wrist, raising a questioning eyebrow.

 

"I hate all of you." Tasha advises, right before taking a giant gulp of her margarita.

 

Jane was not expecting that. "Who?" she asks, somewhat expecting it to be someone at the precinct from when Tash was a cop, because really, Tash should have mentioned it before now, like when she'd told Tash about some of her own dreams. However, based on some prior conversations, she’s guessing there’s a strong chance it’s Reade, which is… awkward… given Sarah’s presence.

 

"Who and when?" Allie questions. "We played this game right before you joined us, Jane, and that was a firm 'no' then. In fact, it was a very strong 'hells no' followed by gagging sounds. She had a lot to say on the subject, if I remember correctly."

 

Tasha mimes zipping her lips closed, shaking her head.

 

"Oh, come on!" Patterson implores. "We tell you everything!"

 

Tasha takes another large gulp, still shaking her head no.

 

"Bitch. You spoil all my fun." Allie sighs. "So clearly we're going to have to do this the hard way." She rolls her eyes. "I've never had a sex dream about Reade." She faux-retches at the idea. "I don't get you people that have. That's a type of all buttoned up that wouldn't be any fun to unbutton."

 

No one drinks except Sarah, who does so with relish before smirking at the rest of them. "And it was good, but not as good as reality! But I'll still take what I can get."

 

They all notice the frown she can't effectively hide. Allie, Tasha, and Jane all exchange glances; someone needs to do something about that situation, but no one wants to be the one to get it started.

 

"I'm calling not dibbs on that one." Tash shakes her head. "She's your problem, Jane."

 

"What?" Sarah asks, not following the flow of conversation.

 

Jane reaches around Allie to pat Sarah's shoulder. "Don't worry about it." She's fairly certain Kurt will blow a gasket if she tries to set Sarah up with Reade again, but she has ways of working around that. She thinks for a second, trying to figure out who would be a likely target for Tasha's dream lover. It's her turn, she can't say Kurt since it would be a lie for her and they all know it, it's not Reade… that doesn't leave many options, unless… "I've never had a sex dream about one of my female coworkers."

 

Patterson drinks and flushes bright red.

 

Allie and Tash exchange slightly startled looks. Jane is confused. "Patterson? Is there something you're trying to tell us?"

 

Patterson turns an even more startling shade of red. “No. Don’t ask, Jane. Just don’t. Please.” She brings her hands up to try to hide her face.

 

Allie snickers and Jane doesn't even want to know what she's thinking. Sarah reaches over and rubs Patterson's shoulder. 

 

Jane’s a little bit worried that Patterson’s going to blush to death, and they drop the conversation. No one else drinks, which doesn't entirely surprise her but does leaves Jane with even more questions. There aren't that many guys at the FBI that Tasha could be thinking about unless she had some random dream about one of the junior agents, in which case they might not ever figure it out.

 

Once she finally regains her composure, Patterson's statement sounds more like a question than it ought. "I've never had a sex dream that involved Kurt?"

 

Before Allie can call bullshit, Jane pinches her. They both take large gulps of their drink, and Jane just about spits hers out on the table when they see Sarah reach for her own drink.

 

Sarah is quick to defend herself. "I was having sex about Reade when Kurt walked in and caught us and I immediately woke up but technically it was a sex dream and Kurt did show up in it!"

 

"You don't drink for technicalities like that!" Allie shrieks at her. "That's not at all what Patty meant and you know it!"

 

"More importantly," Jane points out, "you didn't drink, Tash."

 

Tasha shrugs. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't currently, never have, and never will think of Kurt that way? Not my type. He's like my brother."

 

Sarah apparently forgets that they're trying to get information out of Tash and latches onto the word 'brother'. She also apparently forgets that it ought to be Tasha's turn instead of her own. "I've never had a sex dream about one of my friends' brothers!"

 

Allie drains the rest of her margarita.

 

Patterson starts mumbling a complication explanation about how "college roommate's brother looked like Justin Timberlake" before she repeats the same action.

 

Jane hesitates, though. Mostly because she's worried that one more drink will push her over her limit. "Can we really say that Sarah's my friend since she's also my sister-in-law and that ought to take precedent?"

 

"Just finish your fucking drink already so I can go get us refills." Allie commands.

 

As Jane brings the glass up to her lips, she notices how Tash tries to hide how she takes a quick sip of her own drink. "Tasha! I saw that!"

 

"What? I had a lot of friends in high school with hot older brothers." If it wasn't for the blush on Tasha's cheeks, they might buy her story.

 

"Bullshit!" Allie crows. "You are full of so much bullshit! Tell us, tell us, tell us! It's got to be my brother, Patty's, or Jane's. You wouldn't be acting like this otherwise!"

 

"Please, for the love of God, tell me it's not Tommy." Patterson grimaces. "You can do so much better than my coke-addled brother, and you know it."

 

Allie narrows her eyes as she stares at Tash, then blinks in surprise. "Oh! Tash, really? Huh. Yeah, I can see that. Easily. The two of you would be something to see together. That's hot." She turns back to Jane. "How about you go get us those refills while I pester Tash for details?"

 

"It's your turn." Jane doesn't want to get up, her seat is comfy and the bar seems to be spinning slightly.

 

"Trust me when I tell you that you're not going to want to hear what Tasha has to say." Allie pats her cheek.

 

"What?" Jane's certain that she's gone over her limit now. Nothing is making any sense.

 

"Sarah. Take Jane and go get drinks." Allie orders. "Now."

 

Sarah whines. "I don't want to get up, someone else do it."

 

Allie throws up her hands. "Don't say that I didn't try. Fine. Be that way. So, Tasha, tell us all about what you did to Roman in that dream of yours."

 

"Roman?" Jane questions. "What does my brother have to do with this?"

 

"Seriously?" Allie responds, cackling. "Jane! Try to keep up!"

 

Jane looks at Tash and the way she's flushing red. "Roman?" she repeats.

 

Tasha refuses to make eye contact with her, but she does nod. "Roman."

 

"He is hot." Patterson agrees and nods. “Painfully hot.”

 

"Sizzling." Sarah chimes in. "I'd do him, if it wasn't for the whole somewhat related thing. It would make Thanksgiving super awkward. Plus, Ed would be jealous." She pauses for a second then grins. “Oh, that would make Ed amazingly jealous. Huh. Hmmm.”

 

"You all think Roman is hot?" Jane can't even begin to understand the idea. "My Roman?" She's polite enough to not say that she thinks that they're all crazy, but hopes they can hear how it's heavily implied in her tone of voice.

 

"It's the whole bad boy thing, plus the beard and the height." Allie tries to explain. "And the hands and the muscles and the gingerness and the… well to be honest, the everything. It just works. Mama like. Mama like a lot."

 

"Roman?!?!" Jane thinks she might vomit, and she's not sure if it's the sudden realization that all of her female friends think her baby brother is fuckable or if it's the six margaritas or both. "Oh my God, what is wrong with you people?" she screeches. "He's not hot, he's… he's my brother and his feet smell like moldy cheese because he doesn’t shower often enough and his favorite thing to eat is sriracha on cold spaghetti noodles like some sort of psychopath and ewwwwww!" She doesn’t mention that he’s also tried to kill all of them and did some awful shit and faked his own death, because they’re trying to move on from that and she promised him she’d never mention it again.

 

"Welcome to my world. Cheers." Sarah states, then clinks her empty glass against Jane's own. "Except my world is even worse. Tasha only had a dream. You married my gross brother and Allie…" she glances over at Allie. "The less said about Als and Kurt the better. You all act like he's some sort of sex god and I keep thinking this is the boy that used to fart on command and wash his dirty underwear in the toilet, what the hell, respect yourselves and raise your standards."

 

"Oh, come off of it." Tasha laughs. "You act like Reade is the most perfect man on earth, and let me tell you from years of horrifying experience, you are dead-ass wrong. The stories I could tell you…"

 

"Enough!" Allie slaps her hands down on the table. "I did not come out tonight to hear about how gross guys are. They are, we all know it, now let's move on. I want to hear more about this dream, Tash. I need to live vicariously through you!"

 

That stops all of them from arguing.

 

"Allie?" Patterson seems very confused. "You're the most sexually active of all of us. And most adventurous. Most everything, actually. Why do you need Tash like that?"

 

Allie chuckles bitterly. "I have two kids under the age of seven back at home. Do you really think Conor and I have time for sex? For fuck's sake, I don't even have the time or energy to even dream about sex any more. I love my kids, but they are the biggest cockblocks in existence."

 

Tasha sighs. "Jane, switch seats with me or go to the bar or bathroom or something."

 

Jane's still reeling from everything that's been discussed over the last few minutes, and she numbly gets up and takes Tasha's seat. Tasha immediately skips over to Jane's chair and leans over to whisper in Allie's ear.

 

Allie's eyes go wide. "No fucking way," she exclaims.

 

Tasha continues whispering. Jane both simultaneously wants to know and doesn't want to know what's being said when Allie grabs a drink coaster and starts fanning herself with it. "Good God Almighty, Tash. Give me a minute."

 

Tash leans back and smirks.

 

"Water. I need water." Allie gasps. "Someone please get me something to drink."

 

"If you agree to tell me later what she's telling you." Sarah offers a deal, then once Allie nods, runs off to the bar.

 

"That is the fucking hottest thing I've ever heard." Allie's voice is barely above a whisper, reverent. "Like, whoa."

 

"Oh, if you liked that…" With a smile, Tasha starts whispering again.

 

As soon as Sarah returns with water for everyone, Allie grabs her glass and drains it, then shakes her head. "I renounce my title as filthiest sex queen at the table. All yours, Tash. You nasty."

 

Jane can't even imagine what Tash could have possibly said that would result in that. "Really, Als?"

 

"She has eclipsed anything and everything I've ever said, done, or even thought about." Allie seems sincere. "Believe me when I tell you, you don't want to know. I'm not even sure we should tell Patty and Sarah. This is like PhD-level sex ed 1,000,001. They can't handle it."

 

"Hey!" Patterson protests. Tasha leans over the other direction away from Allie and whispers something in Patterson's ear. She immediately turns bright red again, even brighter than before. "Oh, dear God, why did you tell me that?!?!?!?!" she screams, drawing the attention of people at the tables around them. "People actually do that? For real?"

 

"I'm feeling very left out." Sarah pouts. Allie murmurs something to her that Jane can't quite catch. "Oh. Oh! Oh, that's… that's… Tasha, please tell me more. I, um… yes, please?"

 

Allie cackles.

 

Tasha looks at Sarah with a new appreciation in her eyes. "I didn't think you had it in you, Weller. I really didn't. I thought for sure you'd be clutching your pearls and being all judge-y and vaguely slut-shame-y." She takes a swallow of her drink, and Allie reaches for her glass as well, still fanning herself with the coaster.

 

Sarah rolls her eyes. "Why on earth do you think I'm still hung up on Reade like I am? It's not just because he's pretty."

 

Tasha and Allie both choke on their water, and Patterson starts making distressed meeping sounds.

 

"I don't want to know, do I?" Jane asks rhetorically, but Patterson immediately starts gasping "No!"

 

"So, do we know if Roman actually would do any of that, or is this all just speculation?" Sarah asks. "Because if he would…" she trails off, not finishing the thought.

 

"Because if he would, I'd marry him tomorrow." Allie declares.

 

Tasha snorts. "So we now have confirmation of something Conor doesn't do."

 

Jane finds it very hard to believe that there's something Conor doesn't or won't do, based on previous conversations with Allie, but she's not about to ask what it is.

 

"Only if I didn't marry him first." Sarah teases.

 

Tasha crosses her arms over her chest. "Oh, back off. I saw the potential in him first. Dibbs. He's mine."

 

"I'm going to throw up." Jane throws up her hands in disgust. "I don't even know what it is that you're discussing, but still, it's Roman. Like Sarah said earlier, raise your standards. Now, are we going to change the subject, or do I need to leave so you all can continue perving on my brother?"

 

Sarah, Allie, and Tash exchange glances, and Jane has a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

 

"Would you be so kind? Do you want me to call you a cab?" Sarah offers. "Because… I love you, but I'd much rather speculate about Roman's skills in and out of the sack."

 

"Feel free to go on home and climb Kurt like a tree." Allie makes little 'shoo'ing gestures with her hands. "We know you've been wanting to leave for hours, do so with our blessing. Tell him I said 'hi', be safe, use condoms!"

 

"Is Roman still staying with you two, or did he finally move out?" Tasha asks. "Call him and tell him to come down here for a drink."

 

Jane runs away before they can say anything else that's going to haunt her.