”Welcome friends, family and loved ones," the priestess began, her voice ringing out like a clear bell amongst the trees. "We are here today to witness this union of these two bright souls being joined together as one.
"We are gathered to celebrate the bonding of Leo and Ray because love is truly the most powerful magic of all, a unique and special phenomenon, truly a gift bestowed upon us directly from the gods."
"Well, I'm not sure about directly," Len murmured into Barry's ear, "but I did definitely help."
"Shush," Barry giggled, fidgeting in his seat.
Len had insisted on sitting in the very front of the audience for the wedding, happily lounging across three chairs and snuggled up to Barry's side. No one questioned that one of the grooms had a mysterious twin brother, and Barry was doing his best to make sure he behaved himself.
Wrangling a mischievous god was no easy task.
"Marriage is a sacred bond, not to be taken lightly," the priestess went on as she began to bind the grooms' hands together. "It is the ultimate expression of the gods' love for us."
"I would argue that the ultimate expression of my love is a Hell’s Kitchen marathon and feeding you ice cream," Len teased, his tongue flicking out over Barry's earlobe. “Naked.”
"Len!" Barry hissed, cheeks flushing furiously. "It's almost over, stop."
From behind them, an old woman said, “Shhhh!”
Barry mouthed a quick apology and gave Len a dirty look, hoping it would be enough to quiet him until the services were over.
"It is a sacred house, one to be entered with great care and open hearts," the priestess continued, her words fading out as Len continued to complain.
"This is boring,” he whined loudly. “There’s not even going to be an orgy-“
“This is the worst wedding I’ve ever been to!”
The old woman huffed, shushing again, “Shhhhh!”
Barry swallowed back a giggle, whispering urgently, “You’re upsetting the guests.”
“I’m upsetting them?” Len pretended to be offended, biting back playfully, “They’re upsetting me! Why do they all still have their clothes on? Where are all of their gifts to properly honor the union? There is not one single goat here. And why isn’t there a fire?”
“Len,” Barry warned.
“Worst. Wedding. Ever.”
“Shhhhh!” the old woman hissed again, louder than all the times before and clearly very angry. Len turned his head and stuck out his tongue.
The old woman’s dentures instantly popped out of her mouth with a wet slurp, landing on the grass by her feet. She squealed in horror, scrambling to pick them up.
“Oh!” Barry slapped a hand over his mouth, trying desperately not to laugh.
Len smiled smugly and turned back around, cuddling up close.
“You’re a freakin’ menace.”
“I’m a god,” Len corrected happily.
"A god who is also a menace," Barry countered, snickering as he curled his arm around Len’s shoulders.
"It’s really quite difficult being so perfect," Len sniffed indignantly.
Barry was grateful when the priestess finally announced the conclusion of the ceremony and presented the newly married couple to the crowd. Leo passionately kissed Ray the second the priestess gave him leave to, picking his husband right off the ground to a loud round of cheering and applause.
Even Len clapped and whistled excitedly at that. He didn't bother rising as the new couple walked back down the aisle together, earning himself a few awkward stares, but those that knew him encouraged the others to leave him be.
The wedding had taken place in a small clearing in the middle of the forest on Thawne's property. Upon his death, Thawne had left everything he owned to Barry. Whether that had always been his intention or Len had something to do with it, Barry wasn’t sure, but he didn't want it. Once Thawne was declared legally dead and his missing persons case was closed, Barry offered the land to Leo and Ray.
The house had a certain sentimental value to them, considering it was where Leo had been resurrected and they had shared their first kiss. When they’d announced it was where they were going to have their wedding, Barry wasn't the least bit surprised.
The couple was soon leading everyone back to the house for the reception, Barry lagging behind with Len.
Up ahead, he saw Lisa reach over to get a healthy handful of Cisco's ass as they strolled along, prompting Cisco to giggle and blush. Mick was a few feet to the side, holding the hand of a petite young brunette and smiling shyly as they strolled along together. His ghoul doctor, Barry recalled, Caitlyn something or another.
Everyone had found their happy ending, Barry thought to himself with a warm smile. The future was bright and full of promise for all of them.
Back at the house, guests filled up every room of the house and champagne was passed around by the bottle. Thick wreaths of daffodils and irises were hung everywhere, flowers valued for their symbolism of rebirth and renewal; more than appropriate considering one of the grooms had been brought back from the dead not too long ago. The living room had been converted into a dance floor, sweet music playing as Leo took Ray into his arms for their first dance as a married couple.
Barry watched them for a few moments, frowning when he realized he had lost track of Len. There was no telling what sort of trouble an unattended god could be getting into. He waded through the crowd, finding him poking around the gift table. He could see one of Len’s tentacles prodding at the wrapping paper, trying to peek inside one of the larger gifts.
"Hey!” Barry scolded. “No revealing your godhood in public because of potential mass panic and crazy religious zealots! Remember?"
"No one’s looking," Len said stubbornly, but obediently withdrew his tentacle back inside his sleeve. “It was nothing good, anyway. One of those ridiculous toaster ovens.”
“You are not seriously casing the wedding gifts, are you?”
“I was merely browsing,” Len replied innocently. “What if one of them is a bomb? A cursed family heirloom? A furry pet that will multiply into a horde of murderous little creatures if it’s exposed to water? I’m just looking out for the wellbeing of dear Leo and Ray.”
“You’ve been watching way too much television,” Barry chuckled, taking Len’s hand and kissing his cheek. “I think I’m going to have to adjust the parental controls on the cable.”
“Hmmph,” Len snorted. “What else am I supposed to do all day?”
“Laundry?” Barry wistfully suggested. “Feed the hungry? World peace?”
“No, something fun!” Len declared. “I could help you with more cases! I’m very good at helping and all your clients love me.”
“You also steal things from my clients,” Barry accused.
“Not all of them. And I always return what I’ve taken!”
“Only after I’ve caught you.”
“Hmmph. It’s the thought that counts.”
A small group of children came rushing by them, laughing and whooping, leaving a crying girl behind in their wake as they took off towards the kitchen. She had puffy pigtails and a pitiful pout, clutching a small plastic jar with a yellow ribbon tied around the neck.
Len’s devious intentions were derailed by the girl’s tears, and he kneeled down beside her as he asked sweetly, “What’s wrong, little one?”
“My bubbles,” she pouted sadly, rubbing at her eyes and holding out the empty jar. “See? They’re all gone! The other kids won’t share with me! And, and, and Mommy said I can’t have another!”
“Oh?” Len winked, taking the jar from her. “Did she now?”
The jar began to magically refill in his hand, Len promising, “These bubbles will never run out, little one. Not until all the stars fall down from the sky.”
The little girl’s eyes widened, dipping the wand inside and blowing out a big stream of bubbles. She jumped up and down excitedly, and then hugged Len’s neck as she squealed, “Thank you, thank you! Thank you s’much!”
Len was beaming as she took off, standing up and casually brushing himself off as if he hadn’t just been adorably hanging out with a small child. It made Barry’s heart absolutely melt, and he reached out to gently squeeze his shoulder.
“You really are quite wonderful when you want to be,” Barry murmured, watching the little girl parade around the house with her magical never-ending supply of bubbles.
“When I want to be,” Len agreed with a wink.
Barry looked up when a new song began to play, something slow and sweet.
“Would you like to dance?” Len asked suddenly, bowing dramatically with a sweep of his arm.
“Are you going to behave?” Barry asked with a knowing grin.
“Mmm.” Len took Barry’s hand and pulled him into a tight embrace, twirling them around in rapid circles. “Probably not!”
Barry laughed, clinging to Len to keep himself from falling over as they spun their way onto the dance floor. They settled into a slow rhythm, a simple two-step, not much more than gently rocking their bodies together. He couldn’t stop smiling, amazed at how much his life had changed in such a short period of time.
He got to wake up every morning with this beautiful creature in his bed, sharing everything from the mundane tasks of cooking to matching socks to going out on magical adventures, even exploring secret places left behind by the gods that Len wanted to revisit. They worked together on cases, helping as many people as they could, all while also battling against the struggles of a capricious god living in a mortal world.
It wasn’t always easy, but Barry wouldn’t trade it for anything.
"I'll dance with you on a floor made of fallen stars and shattered comets one day," Len promised. “This is shit.”
“It’s fine,” Barry sighed, relaxing and resting his head on Len’s shoulder. “It’s more than fine… it’s perfect.”
“It’ll do,” Len huffed. “For now…”
“Mind if I cut in?” It was Leo asking, having finished his first dance as a married man and offering his arm to Barry.
“Yes,” Len answered immediately.
“It’s fine,” Barry chuckled, pulling away from Len with a smirk. “Why don’t you go check on your new little friend? Give me and Leo a minute?”
Len glanced over his shoulder with a scowl. The little girl from earlier was crying again and her magical bottle of bubbles was missing. His eyes narrowed and he puffed up his chest as if preparing for battle. “I’ll be right back.”
“Should we be worried?” Leo asked hesitantly.
“No. Maybe… Hard to say for sure.” Barry grinned, politely resting his hand on Leo’s shoulder as they began to dance together. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“You know, I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you,” Leo said, smiling brightly. “I need to apologize.”
“Gonna have to give you a raincheck for that date,” Leo replied with a playful wink. “My new husband may not approve.”
Barry laughed. “Can’t say that your ‘brother’ would approve either.”
“Funny how things all worked out, hmm?” Leo dropped his voice down, whispering, “Went from asking you out to having you solve my murder.”
“And yet here we are,” Barry said fondly, “together at another party. But this time, it’s your wedding day.”
“Yes, it is.” Leo’s gaze shifted to find his groom nearby, dancing with an elderly relative. Leo was so clearly smitten, sighing, “Ironic that I had to die to find what I needed to live.”
“The gods work in strange ways.” Barry smiled softly, his own attention wandering to track down Len. He had somehow retrieved the bubbles and was kneeled down beside the little girl, whispering something in her ear that made her giggle. “And sometimes you fall in love with one.”
“Thank you, Barry,” Leo said sincerely, suddenly pulling him in for a crushing hug, “for everything.”
“Oof! Yeah!” Barry coughed and patted Leo’s back. “Happy to help!”
“Really. Thank you. I wouldn’t be standing here if it wasn’t for you,” Leo gushed sweetly. His eyes suddenly went wide, saying excitedly, “Oh! And that reminds me. Something Cisco said about that weird blue residue. He ran another test and he seems to think that it’s actually-”
“I’m here to take my lover back,” Len boldly announced, sticking out his tongue at Leo as he swept Barry into his arms.
“Oh! Of course!” Leo grinned bashfully. “Sorry.”
“You do realize that if you weren’t my very favorite worshipper, I would disembowel you for even having asked to dance with my mate,” Len informed him smugly. “But there is no need to apologize, dear child.”
“Thank you,” Leo said reverently, his cheeks flushing brightly.
“I do hope that your new vows haven’t made you a completely honest man,” Len went on with a teasing purr. “You’re still my most beloved little thief and I expect an invitation to your next heist.”
“It would be my honor.” Leo beamed. “You know, there’s actually a very large exhibit of royal jewelry coming in tomorrow-”
“Hey, hey!” Barry quickly cut in when he saw the way Len’s eyes lit up. “How about we save the potential felonies until after the honeymoon, please?”
“Fine,” Len conceded, sighing dramatically. “I’ll leave them to their boring domestic bliss.”
“You can commit federal crimes later, I promise.”
“Speaking of crimes,” Leo chuckled, glancing over his shoulder, “I might get myself murdered again if I don’t go retrieve my groom.”
Barry cringed when he saw Ray being passed along to another elderly relative, looking around desperately for an escape. “Yeah, might wanna go handle that.”
Leo bowed politely. “Thank you. Both of you, for all of your blessings.”
Barry waved as Leo left them to rescue Ray from the clutches of his geriatric dance partner, squealing as Len grabbed his hand and pulled him right up against his chest. He had already forgotten what Leo had been trying to tell him about the blue goo, snickering, “We weren’t even apart for five minutes! Calm down!”
“Five minutes is still five minutes too long,” Len sternly corrected, nuzzling against Barry’s cheek.
“You’re immortal. You have all the freakin’ time in the world,” Barry retorted dryly.
“And every second I intend to spend with you,” Len argued softly, planting a sweet kiss behind Barry’s ear. “Otherwise, it is time that has been wasted.”
“Sweet talker,” Barry protested even as his face blazed red hot.
“Only for you, my dear Starkiller.”
Barry was content to settle back into a slow rhythm with Len’s arms curling around his waist. They danced and danced, Barry enjoying the gentle sway of their bodies as another sweet song began to play. He smirked when he felt one of Len’s hands slide down over his butt. “Really?”
“It’s been hours,” Len said insistently. “I had to make sure it’s still there. It’s technically your fault for looking so utterly delicious. I simply can’t help myself.”
"Weddings get you all worked up, huh?" Barry giggled, gasping sharply when Len squeezed him.
"Apparently.” Len smiled mischievously. “All that talk about unions and bonding and mmmph, I can’t stop imagining being inside of you..."
"That's nothing new!" Barry laughed.
"It really has got me thinking," Len went on, hesitating briefly. "Not just about being inside you, I do often think of that, but something more... I want more." His forehead scrunched up in thought. "I want the dancing. And the cake. The stupid words, the rings. All of it. I want it. With you."
Barry could hardly believe what he was hearing. He had to look Len right in the face as he asked skeptically, "Are... are you saying you want to get married?"
Len's eyes had transformed into vast sparkling oceans of ebony, and he smiled warmly as he replied, "Only if you're going to say yes."
"Azaethoth," Barry whispered, his cheeks flushing beautifully as his heart burst with joy. He rarely ever used Len's true name, but this was a special moment.
"Bartholomew Henry Allen?" Len murmured, his hands framing the side of his face as he sighed, "Son of Henry and Nora Allen, would you please-"
"Yes!" Barry shrieked, squeezing his neck and kissing him firmly.
"Mmmph!" Len protested. "I didn't even get to ask you!"
"Don't care!" Barry giggled.
"You don't even know what I was going to say," Len snickered. "I may have been about to ask you if you'd please join me for a massive tentacle orgy!"
"All of these tentacles belong to me, thank you very much," Barry said smugly.
"Really?" Len scoffed playfully. "They seem to be attached to me, last I checked."
"They might be attached to your body, but they're mine. No orgies. And I already knew what you were going to ask me!"
Len pouted dramatically, sticking out his lower lip. He all but whined like a puppy.
"Fine," Barry groaned loudly, "go ahead."
Len was very pleased, replying happily, "Bartholomew Henry Allen, son of Nora and Henry Allen, would you please do me the honor of being my earthly husband, my mate amongst the stars, and the love of my life for all of time?"
"Yes," Barry replied with a bright smile, laughing ecstatically. "A million times yes!" He wrapped himself around Len, kissing him passionately. “Mmph! A cake! We’ll need a big cake!”
"Whatever you’d like.”
"Honeymoon. I want to go somewhere warm. A cruise, yes, I want to go on a cruise."
"Anything for you, my beautiful Starkiller."
"And I want to be married for at least a year before we have any kids," Barry went on excitedly, surprised when Len looked startled. "What is it?"
Len was staring at him with such raw emotion that Barry was sincerely worried that he had said something upsetting.
"You really want to spawn with me?" Len asked softly, hopeful and earnest.
Barry swallowed thickly, a swarm of butterflies zooming through his stomach and straight up into his chest, his heart skipping several beats. "Yes," he replied breathlessly, "I do. I want to marry you, Len. I want a family with you, whatever that would mean for us. I love you."
"Oh, Barry," Len moaned, immediately locking their lips together in another fierce kiss with his hands sliding down over his hips. "I love you so much."
“We’re really going to do this, aren’t we?” Barry grinned. “We’re going to get married?”
“Absolutely,” Len replied, hugging Barry close. “We can begin planning at once. If what we just witnessed is a customary mortal wedding, hmmph, there is much room for improvement.”
“Not good enough for a god?” “Not good enough for my beautiful Starkiller,” Len said proudly. “I’ll ask my sister to marry us, you will just adore her. My mother will certainly cook. I’ll ask her to make you the same cake she prepared for the very first celebration of Dhankes. Hmm, we’ll need to find her a suitable vessel-”
“Wait,” Barry blinked. “Your family is gonna come?”
“Why wouldn’t they?”
“Aren’t they… you know...” Barry spun his finger around his ear. “A little on the side of sanity challenged?”
“Oh, not all of them,” Len snorted. “Just my father, most of my uncles and aunts, maybe a few dozen of my cousins, at least thirty-two of my brothers…”
“You see why I’m concerned.”
“Pffft, it’ll be fine!”
Barry’s phone began to ring, and he groaned, pulling away from Len and holding up his finger. “Just hang on, one second!” He hurried outside to take the call, not surprised when Len followed right behind him. He stepped out onto the newly remodeled front porch, glancing at the caller identification. It was a number he didn’t recognize. “Hello, Allen Investigations?”
“Hi! My name is Hartley Rathaway,” a young man replied shyly. “I heard about you from Cisco? I work with him at the department and uh, well, I was hoping you might be able to help me.”
“Of course! What seems to be the problem, Mr. Rathaway?”
“It’s my cat,” he began to explain, sounding quite distressed. “I think there’s something really wrong with him. I tried talking to the magic enforcement division guys here, but no one believed me!”
“I promise I will believe you,” Barry assured him. “What’s going on with your cat?”
“Well…” There was a pause. “I think he opened a portal to another dimension and pushed my roommate into it.”
“Had your cat… uh… been acting strangely prior to this?”
“Not really?” He paused, seeming to think the question over. “He did throw up in my roommate’s shoes a few times. Does that count?”
“Uh, could be important,” Barry said with a grimace. “Maybe we could meet tomorrow morning and go over the details? Maybe bring the cat along?”
“Oh, thank you! Sounds good! Thank you so much! Okay, uhm, like eight o’clock?”
“Eight should work-”
“Better make it later,” Len interjected, slipping one of his thick tentacles between Barry’s legs and making him squeak in surprise. “You’ll need some rest after tonight…”
“I’m sorry, is later all right?” Barry cleared his throat awkwardly, cheeks burning red hot as Len continued to tease him. “M-maybe say eleven o’clock?”
“Noon,” Len whispered.
“Noon! Definitely needs to be noon!”
“Oh! That should be fine! See you then, Mr. Allen!”
“Thank you, Mr. Rathaway! Bye now!” As soon as he hung up, he whirled around on Len and smacked at his invading appendages. “Hey, hey! That is freakin’ rude! That was for work! I have a new case!”
“Ah, wonderful! I can help you again!” Len declared excitedly. “We do make a great team!”
“Eh, I don’t know...”
“What? We solved Leo’s murder together, did we not?”
“Yes, and I also got stabbed with a spear of starlight, my car got blown up, and I had to fight a god.”
“Oh, please. What are the chances of anything like that ever happening again?”
“With you? Probably pretty high!”
Len pouted, sticking his nose up in the air with a loud huff.
“I love spending time with you,” Barry sighed, “and while yes, you can be helpful, you know as well as I do that you don’t exactly make things easy when it comes to dealing with other people.”
“Me?” Len actually looked offended. “I have no idea what you mean.”
“You threatened to turn the grocery store clerk inside out.”
“A simple miscommunication,” Len scoffed.
“On my last case, you said it was the butler and tried to have him arrested.”
“But it’s always the butler and he had a face like Ghatanothoa’s backside! He was quite obviously up to something-”
“What about when you told Leo and Ray we should have an orgy together?”
“Ah!” Len held up his hand. “I did no such thing! I simply suggested we watch each other have intercourse to celebrate a day of fertility-”
“Azaethoth!” Barry scolded sharply.
“I suppose that sometimes I may be a tad difficult,” Len finally confessed. “The world is much different than the one I remember, but I do sincerely want to help. I swear to you that I will be on my absolute best behavior.”
“Fine!” Barry exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “You can come help me with the case. Happy?”
“Ecstatic,” Len purred happily. “We should celebrate.”
“We should be practical,” Barry argued. "This is going to be insane. Working a case while planning a wedding and inviting your possibly crazy god family... I don't even know where to begin."
"My darling Starkiller," Len drawled with a wicked grin, "you saved the world. Certainly you don't think this could be that hard?"
"Guess we're gonna find out," Barry laughed, kissing Len's lips with a bright smile.
"Mmmm," Len purred, "Yes, we will."
“Hey!” Lisa’s voice carried all the way outside, shouting furiously, “You two! Get your butts back in here!”
“Must be time to open gifts,” Barry said, trying to disentangle himself from Len’s arms. “Come on. We should go back inside.”
“But I already know what they’re getting and it’s all very boring!” Len complained, determined to hold on.
“There is a swarm of bees chasing the kids around!” Lisa continued to yell. “And a certain little lady told me she learned the spell from this really nice guy who looks just like the groom! Ringin’ any bells, brother?!”
“Bees?” Barry glared disgustedly. “You taught her how to summon bees?”
“No,” Len scoffed indignantly. “I taught her how to ask bees for assistance in smiting her enemies.”
“That’s the same thing!”
“It is not.”
“They stole her bubbles!”
“Fine!” Len pouted, grumbling sourly, “I will remove the bees and then we can watch Ray and Leo open their ridiculously boring presents. You just wait until we have our wedding. There will be no stupid toasters or tupperwares waiting for us, I will see to that!”
“Ugh, I love you,” Barry groaned, leading Len back inside to assess the chaotic swarm of bees and screaming children.
“And I love you,” Len purred adoringly, leaning close enough to discreetly brush a tentacle against Barry’s hand.
Blushing at the teasing divine touch, Barry watched Len take off to clean up the mess he’d made, standing by to help calm down the terrified children and soothe their stings. Len made amends by giving them all enchanted balloon animals that floated on their own and sneaking them pieces of the wedding cake. He settled down with more promises to behave himself, sitting beside Barry as the newly wedded couple opened their gifts.
Barry shouldn’t have been surprised when a new blender was magically replaced by a giant purple dildo. Len feigned innocence and all Barry could do was laugh. He had no idea what the future held for them, a mortal and an immortal trying to carve out a happy life together, but one thing was for certain;
It would be anything but ordinary.
Being engaged to an old god wasn’t always easy.
There were definitely perks that couldn’t be denied. Good parking spaces were guaranteed, all stubbed toes could instantly be healed, and the sex was beyond mind shattering; but then there were the interpersonal problems of trying to mediate between ignorant mortals and a very stubborn deity.
All the gods of the Sagitarrian religion were laughed off as mythology in modern times. No one had seen them for centuries, though a few dedicated Sages held onto the belief that they were sleeping in the stars and would one day return. Barry had kept up the old ways to honor his parents, but he hadn’t been a true believer.
Being literally smacked in the face with a divine tentacle changed that pretty quickly, thrown into a whirlwind adventure that tested his faith and his sanity. The hot guy he’d met at a Halloween party ended up dead and possessed by an old god seeking revenge.
Barry solved the murder, discovered the truth about his parent’s own mysterious deaths, and killed a mad old god determined to end the world. To top it all off, he went and fell in love with the very old god who had taken over the hot guy’s corpse.
It wasn’t a story that would be easy to explain to their future kids, but Barry had never been happier.
He adored Len, he truly did, but there were also certain moments that sincerely tried his patience and got him wondering if he could summon another starlight sword to kill himself another god.
“Len,” he began calmly, “you cannot threaten to turn the mailman inside out.”
“But I can,” Len argued defiantly. “It’s actually really easy once you know how. You just start at the feet and roll the skin upwards-“
“I’m not saying you can’t do it, as in you’re not physically capable of it,” Barry growled. “What I am trying to tell you is that you can’t keep threatening him!”
“Ah!” Len nodded in understanding. “What you mean is I should go ahead and do it because a clear example needs to be made!”
“You are so confusing.”
“Len,” Barry groaned, sitting down beside him on the couch and taking his hands. “Remember how you can’t reveal that you’re a god because it would cause mass panic since most of the world is Lucian now and believes the old gods aren’t real?”
“Yes!” Len said cheerfully.
“Turning the mailman inside out? Good way to cause panic!”
“But he keeps wrinkling my catalogues,” Len snarled. “I like the catalogues. And I like them best when they are not wrinkled. There is a definite crease-“
“Azaethoth!” Barry scolded, invoking Len’s true godly name with a growl.
Len pouted, crossing his arms as he sighed, “Fine. I will fix the creases myself like some peasant.”
“And I will not turn the mailman inside out,” Len added sullenly.
“Thank you,” Barry breathed, rewarding Len with a sweet kiss.
Len smiled, a grayish tentacle slipping out from his sleeve to nuzzle against Barry’s cheek.
Barry shuddered pleasurably. Any contact with Len’s godly flesh was utter bliss. It was still hard to believe sometimes that a giant tentacled dragon was crammed inside that human body.
“Mmm, let me take you to bed,” Len purred, more of his tentacles slithering out to pull Barry into his lap. “I want to apologize for my awful behavior.”
“We have a case,” Barry reminded him, playfully swatting at him. “Remember? Mysterious disappearing roommate? Cat might be guilty?”
“Yes, I remember, but that can wait until I’m done apologizing.”
“No,” Barry said plainly. “We did plenty of that last night and this morning!”
“So? It’s tradition to celebrate an engagement with intense physical coupling-“
“Work first, playtime later.” Barry wiggled out of Len’s lap, grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet. “Come on.”
Len let himself get dragged up from the couch, mumbling, “Fine. We’ll go, but I’m going to complain the whole time.”
“Big surprise,” Barry chuckled as he led Len downstairs to his car.
“I liked the old car,” Len said, huffing as he got settled into the passenger seat. “The old car had personality. This car is shit.”
“The old car got blown up by a very angry witch,” Barry reminded him.
“Yes, but we shared our first kiss in that car.”
“You mean when you tricked me into kissing you.”
“God of Tricksters,” Len said with an unapologetic smile.
Barry rolled his eyes, frowning when his phone began to ring.
“Hey!” It was Cisco Ramon, Barry’s best friend and former co-worker when he still worked for the Central City Police Department as a magical forensic investigator.
“Hey! What’s up, Cisco?”
“You need to come by,” Cisco insisted. “Like, right now.”
“Right now?” Barry glanced at the time. “I’m supposed to be meeting with a new client-“
“It’s about the blue goo.”
“Look, it’ll take like five minutes!” Cisco sounded particularly excited. “It’s super important! I have to tell you, in person, like right now.”
Barry flinched, glancing sideways at Len. Cisco was known to be passionate even about mundane things, but the blue goo in question was of particular concern. “Okay, we’ll be there in five.”
“What is it?” Len asked, tilting his head curiously. “Did Cisco anger Lisa again?”
Lisa was Len’s little sister; well, technically, she was Leo’s little sister - the hot guy whose murder had started it all. Because Len was living in a copy of Leo’s body, Barry wasn’t sure if the familial connection still counted or not.
Cisco and Lisa had moved in together a few weeks ago, and things had been a bit bumpy.
“No,” Barry replied, “it’s about that goo.”
“You’re willing to risk tardiness to meet our new client over some magical slime, but not for hot, primal mating?” Len wrinkled his nose.
“I promise, lots of mating later!” Barry argued stubbornly. “This could be important!”
Len grumbled his protests the entire drive, Barry not even waiting for him to get out of the car as he hurried to the front door of Lisa’s house.
Barry blinked when Cisco answered the door with his face covered in black ash, asking carefully, “Are you okay...?”
“Oh! I’m good!” Cisco exclaimed, bowing to Len as he finally caught up. “Nice to see you, Your Most Holy Tentacle-ness!”
Cisco was a recent convert to the Sagitarrian faith. He was a bit exuberant, but Len loved the attention.
“Greetings, mortal child,” Len purred sweetly, wiggling his fingers in a friendly wave.
“You guys have got to see this!” Cisco quickly ushered them inside, leading them into the kitchen where he had set up a small laboratory.
There was still a faint smell of smoke and judging by the broken glass underfoot, something had definitely exploded.
“What the hell?” Barry gasped in horror. “Dude, Lisa is gonna kill you if you don’t clean this up-“
“Just listen,” Cisco whined, grabbing a dish towel to wipe off his face. “You first found the blue goo when Leo was murdered, right? After Len took over his body and you guys went back to his apartment to look for clues ?”
“Yeah,” Barry replied. “We also found it at Thawne’s house.”
“After he blew up the car,” Len helpfully chimed in.
“Right!” Cisco confirmed. “All places Bad Ray had been so we always assumed it was him. But you know where I didn’t find any? In the yard after you went all Starkiller on his ass.”
“I found some definite worm slime, but it’s not the same stuff as the goo... Follow me here for a second. I think the blue goo belongs to another god,” Cisco said slowly.
“Are you freakin’ serious?” Barry scoffed, exchanging a worried glance with Len. The old gods were not known for their sanity, most of them having gone insane when they went into their deep slumber.
“Yeah,” Cisco replied with a grimace. “I’ve been blowing myself up all morning testing it again to be sure.” He grabbed two plates from the counter, offering them out for Barry’s inspection. “Look for yourself. Lefty is the original blue goo, all refined down. Right? The slime from Bad Ray.”
Barry held up his hands to form a triangle for a perception spell. He recognized the blue residue immediately, the holographic aura familiar and equally uncomfortable. The worm slime had a similar shine, but Cisco was right.
They weren’t the same.
“It’s definitely godly. Like, for sure. We know it’s not Len, and if it’s not Bad Ray... well.” Cisco eyed Len. “Any idea who might have been awake running around with your brother trying to end the world?”
“How much time do we have?” Len retorted dryly. “It’s a long list.”
“Seriously,” Barry said, squeezing Len’s arm. “Can’t you like, go back to Xoth and do like a head count or something? I mean, shouldn’t we be worried?”
“I’ll reach out to my sister,” Len soothed, pulling Barry into a tentacle filled embrace. “She still wakes often. Maybe she’ll know who Ghat was hanging out with.”
“Ghat?” Cisco blinked, putting the plates away.
“Ghatanothoa,” Barry sighed. “God of music, poetry, and plagues. AKA Bad Ray?”
“Right! Sorry!” Cisco grinned sheepishly. “Still trying to learn them all.”
“The most important one to remember is Azaethoth the Lesser,” Len said proudly. “Me.”
“How soon can you talk to your sister?” Barry asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.
Len closed his eyes and clicked his tongue. “Done! Mm, I hate to wake her up so early, but I suppose we do need to start discussing wedding plans, after all.”
“Wedding plans? What?” Cisco squeaked excitedly, grinning at them and clapping. “You mean, wait, did you, you two?!”
“Len asked me to marry him last night at Leo and Ray’s wedding,” Barry confirmed shyly. “We didn’t want to announce it then and steal any of their thunder-“
“I wanted to,” Len said with a soft huff. “Barry wouldn’t let me.”
“Ahhh! Congrats!” Cisco gushed. “That’s so awesome!”
“Don’t say anything yet! We want to make an official announcement later!” Barry pleaded. “And maybe keep this new god business hush hush. I don’t want anyone freaking out if it turns out to be nothing.”
“Okay! Can do!” Cisco looked around at the huge mess he’d made. “Little help, my super awesome starlit friend? Lisa might come home for lunch and, well...”
“I got you,” Barry chuckled, wiggling away from Len’s many arms so he could clap his hands together. All the broken glass was immediately made whole again and the smoke cleared, all evidence of the disaster magically gone.
“Phew!” Cisco sighed in relief. “You’re a lifesaver!”
“You guys doing okay?” Barry asked sympathetically.
“Yeah. She’s been super moody lately and I think she wants to kill me? But then she’s super happy and doesn’t want to kill me.”
“You should mate with her more often,” Len said sagely. “Mating is a wonderful to declare your love and it solves almost every problem-
“No, it does not,” Barry scolded. “You should try talking to her first. Don’t listen to him, Cisco.”
“Hmmmph,” Len fussed. “Right, don’t listen to the all powerful immortal being who has lived for thousands of years and gives really great advice.”
“Your advice is terrible.”
“No, it’s not.”
“When that little girl at the wedding was being picked on, you told her to summon a swarm of bees.”
“Do onto others as they’ve done to you.”
“Thanks, guys,” Cisco chuckled, “but I think we’re gonna be okay. Moving in together can be way stressful, you know?”
“Let me know if we can help. I’ll call you later if we hear anything,” Barry said to Cisco with a warm smile. He gave his friend a big hug. “Gotta run! We’ll talk soon!”
“Take care, mortal child,” Len said, waving a tentacle as he followed Barry back out to the car. “Mmm, my sister is on her way. It may take her some time to find a willing vessel.”
“You guys can just... talk to each other? Just like that?”
“Mmhm. As long as she’s not too dreaming too deeply, my sister always hears me.”
“Well, hopefully she can help us.” Barry sighed as he started driving them toward his office. “It makes me nervous as hell thinking that Bad Ray wasn’t working alone.”
“I can’t think of many others that it could have been,” Len said with a shrug. “Ythogtha would have been next in line to rule the world after Ghatanothoa. Perhaps it was him? Although, he’s a very heavy sleeper...”
“It wouldn’t have been your sister, right?” Barry hated to ask. “Cthylla?”
“No,” Len said with a firm shake of his head. “She wouldn’t do anything to hurt mortals or endanger this world. That much I’m sure of.”
“All right,” Barry said, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He frowned when his phone started to ring again.
It was Ray, the good one.
“Hey!” Barry answered cheerfully. “Thought you guys were leaving for your honeymoon?”
“Almost!” Ray laughed, sounding a little nervous. “Look, uhm, could I speak to Azaethoth? Or maybe just put me on speaker? It’s sort of, uhm, personal, but...”
“Oh, sure! One second!” Barry passed the phone to Len. “Put it on speaker.”
“Azaethoth the Lesser here,” Len announced. “God of Tricksters, Thieves, and Divine Retribution.”
“Hello, Azaethoth!” Ray gushed, even more nervous now. “I know this is very last minute, but we’re getting ready to leave for the airport and I’m terrified of flying.” He took a deep breath. “Would you be willing to give me and Leo a blessing of protection for our trip?”
Barry glanced at the time worriedly. They were so going to be late, but he nodded at Len with a strained smile.
“Of course, my dear child,” Len purred happily. “We’ll be right over.”
“You can just meet us at the hotel!” Ray said excitedly. “Wynne Hotel, right downtown! Thank you so much!”
Barry groaned softly as he took his phone back, making a quick right turn to get them redirected to the hotel. “I don’t normally ask you to use your godly powers, but if you could make every light green? That would be great.”
“I am yours to command, my sweet Starkiller,” Len declared, eager to show off his abilities.
They whizzed through the busy streets, Barry pulling up to the front of the hotel in mere minutes. He spotted Ray and Leo waiting for them, putting the car in park and waving.
The newlywed couple hurried over to the passenger side, bowing their heads respectfully in greeting.
Len rolled down the window with a very pleased smile, purring, “Hello, my faithful ones.”
“Hi!” Ray waved, kneeling down beside the car and trying to appear inconspicuous. “I hate to rush, but we need to leave soon-“
Len reached out his hand, one of his tentacles slithering out from his sleeve and poking Ray in the middle of his forehead. “Great Azaethoth will be with you on your journey; his whispers will guide you and his starlight will guard you.”
Eyes fluttering from the rush of divine contact, Ray sighed deeply, “Thank you... thank you so much.”
Len smirked at his twin, asking, “And what about you, my most devoted follower? Would you like a blessing?”
“I already have all the blessings I need,” Leo replied, smiling adoringly at his groom. He grinned shyly, adding, “Although, I did hear about another shiny exhibit coming to town...”
“Ohhh, do tell,” Len pressed eagerly.
Leo had become the trickster god’s most beloved follower by being a bit of a trickster himself. Leo was a very talented thief and had earned Len’s respect with his profitable and clever heists.
The pair were capable of great mischief when they were together and Barry was quick to protest, “No felonies until after the honeymoon is over and we really have to go!”
“We do, too!” Ray grabbed Leo’s hand, laughing at how he and Len both pouted. “You can play with your patron god when we come home!”
“Take care, guys!” Barry hurriedly drive away, tires squealing. He hadn’t meant to take off like that, but they were dangerously close to being late to meet with their new client.
When his phone rang again, he wanted to throw it.
Len picked it up to investigate, saying, “Ah, it’s Mick!”
“Hello, Mick!” Len said cheerfully. “How are you doing, dear child? Did your arm fall off again?”
Mick was Leo’s best friend, a Sage, and a ghoul. His body had been destroyed by a fire and through forbidden sorcery, Lisa created him a new one. Ghoul bodies were essentially husks, shells that would hold a resurrected soul.
Len’s body was technically a ghoul since it was a copy of Leo’s, but he could maintain its integrity through his divine essence. Ghouls like Mick, on the other hand, required special magic to keep their bodies from rotting.
“Nah,” Mick’s gruff voice rumbled through the phone. “It’s fuckin’ awesome. I wanted to call and let you know... I appreciate it.”
“It’s my pleasure,” Len said with a warm smile. “Let me know if there’s anything else I can for you.”
“There is something,” Mick said, pausing uncomfortably. “Things have been going really well with my ghoul doctor lady... but I need somethin’ personal looked after.”
“Ah, your penis,” Len said without missing a beat. “You’re worried about copulation. Barry and I are on our way to an appointment, but afterwards-“
“Thanks,” Mick grunted shortly.
“-I will happily examine your penis.”
Mick sighed audibly and hung up.
Barry scrubbed a hand over his face, giggling, “Smooth. Very smooth.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Barry laughed, still blushing from secondhand embarrassment.
“Mortals are so uptight,” Len snorted, crossing his arms as he pouted.
Barry parked outside his office, quickly unbuckling his seatbelt. “Okay, come on. We’re finally here.”
Len reached over to slide his hand up Barry’s thigh. “Mmm, you’re so tense, my sweet Starkiller... you need to relax.”
Trying to ignore how his cock stirred at Len’s touch, Barry argued stubbornly, “I’m tense because we’re gonna be late. We literally have four minutes-“
“I can make you come in two,” Len promised, pushing closer.
“Len,” Barry protested, but his voice didn’t sound so strong. Len already had his pants unbuttoned, one of his larger tentacles snaking its way down into his underwear and making him squirm. “Shit, shit, shit... You’d better be quick.”
“I’ll be so very quick,” Len purred happily, kissing Barry as his tentacle began to swallow down his cock and sucked hard.
Barry bucked up into the wet heat, gasping against Len’s lips. Any physical contact with Len’s godly self felt incredible, Barry’s entire body at once flooded with a spectacular heat that made his heart ache.
Making love with Len wasn’t just amazing. It was absolutely otherworldly and oh, those tentacles; the things they could do.
Most of them were merely prehensile, but there were three that were especially unique. Two of them were equipped with small mouths that had several delicious talents, including sucking with mind numbing pressure and dispensing thick loads of divine seed.
But the third one...
That thing was a god in its own right.
Barry clung to Len’s shoulders, groaning when he felt another tentacle slipping between his legs and petting around his hole. It didn’t penetrate, only teased and nudged as the other continued to suck away.
“Come on, my love,” Len urged, kissing along his ear and nipping. “I’m so hungry for a taste of you...”
Barry whimpered brokenly, the ache in his balls making him tremble. He prayed that no one could see what was happening in the front seat of his car; they were in a public place, right in the middle of the day.
The thought of someone watching them made this insanely hotter, coming immediately with a loud cry. He fucked up into the tentacle’s willing mouth, gasping and twitching. “Len! Oh, fuck, oh, yesss!”
Smiling smugly, Len stroked him through it and slowly withdrew when Barry began to swat at him. “There,” he said smugly, “don’t you feel better?”
Barry melted into the seat, flushed and satisfied, grinning sheepishly. “Yes, I feel much better...” Then he looked at the clock. “Fuck! Two minutes my ass! We’re freakin’ late!”
Len was all smiles as he followed Barry frantically racing into the office. There was a young man waiting at his door, a large pet carrier in his arms. He didn’t seem too upset by their tardiness, but Barry was already saying, “Hi! Mr. Rathaway? I am sorry that I’m late. It was utterly unavoidable.”
Len snickered. Had he been close enough, Barry would have elbowed him.
“Hi!” the young man with glasses said. “It’s okay! You can just call me Hartley.” He smiled down at the carrier. “This is Mr. Twigs!”
“Please, come in,” Barry said earnestly, trying to fix his hair as he opened the office door. He ushered Hartley in, saying politely, “So, your roommate is missing and you think that Mr. Twigs here might be responsible?”
“Yes,” Hartley said, gently setting the carrier on Barry’s desk and opening it up. “I’m Silenced, so you know, no magic for me, but I know the sound portals make. I know I heard one right before he vanished and no one else was home except Mr. Twigs.”
The cat slinked out of the carrier and perched right on the corner of Barry’s desk, its tail swishing thoughtfully. It was fluffy, black, and it was wearing small round sunglasses.
Len kneeled down, eyeing the cat suspiciously. They were nearly nose to nose, locked in an intense stare.
“Huh,” Barry said, blinking slowly. “The cat... wears sunglasses?”
“Oh!” Hartley blushed. “I know it sounds crazy, but his eyes are really sensitive to light. So, yeah. I tried to take them off and he got really upset.”
“Wait, you didn’t buy them?”
“Oh, no!” Hartley laughed. “He had them on when I found him. He’s a rescue and he’s like, literally the sweetest-“
“He is a foul and wretched creature!” Len suddenly shouted, spinning wildly and promptly smacking the cat across the room. “Go back to the depths of Xenon, you disgusting fiend!”
“Mr. Twigs!” Hartley screamed in horror.
“Azaethoth!” Barry roared, shocked and furious. “How could you?! It’s just a cat!”
“That is not a cat!” Len argued, his tentacles beginning to unfurl. “It’s a monstrous fiend that just looks like a cat!”
“Owww,” a new voice complained, the fluffy black cat picking himself up from the floor and yowling in complaint. He hopped back up on the desk, his tail lashing as he hissed, “That was super rude!”
“Mr. Twigs...?” Hartley stared in awe, starting to reach for the cat but drawing back. “You’re... you’re talking?!”
“Duh,” the cat replied sweetly. “Now, Hartley, why don’t you forget all about this and go to sleep?”
Hartley’s eyes rolled back and he dropped down on his face immediately.
“What the fuck are you?” Barry demanded, his hands moving to summon a shield of bright starlight. Len stood in front of him protectively, his thick tentacles writhing around him and poised to strike at any second.
The cat laughed, suddenly transforming into a very thin and very naked young man. He tilted his sunglasses down, grinning slyly as he teased, “Meow, motherfuckers. Name’s Axel. I’m here to save the world.”