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Everything I Didn't Say

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it’s all so confusing, jisung thinks, what’s happened in the past four days. every inch of his mind is swimming with thoughts left unsaid to someone who won’t be able to hear them anymore. minho’s gone for good and there’s no way to keep in contact. there’s nothing left for them, but jisung holds on. the tears rolling down his cheeks are getting old, especially while listening to music that he used to enjoy because it suddenly reminds him of minho.

he’s being dramatic, he knows that he is. break ups are natural, they happen all the time, but he was naive to think that it would never happen to him. he was caught up in the bliss of having someone to be there for him and care for him that he was painfully unaware of what was to come of their relationship. it was something worth remembering and he will never forget minho, and that’s the problem.

he’s trying desperately to forget, to push the thoughts out of his brain, to erase minho from his memory: every attempt deemed unsuccessful. that’s not how life works, but he was hoping with every bone in his body that it would be okay, that he would be okay. if he’s being quite honest, he’s tired of everyone surrounding him telling him that it takes time, he wants this shit he’s feeling to go the fuck away already. so in a futile, last attempt to finally ease the past six months from his memory, he does what he’s good at: write.


this is really hard writing this, firstly because i know you’ll never read this and secondly because i’m a coward who never actually speaks their mind so this is killing me in more ways than one. and even though the chance of you ever seeing this is slim, writing this out will make me feel better in the long run, so here it is:

i’ve tried my hardest to go through every emotion and validate it in the past four days, and at this point i’m just so exhausted. i’m tired of waking up and no matter where i look i see your face, i’m tired of dropping whatever i’m doing because something triggered me so much that i had to fall to the ground and cry. i heard our song today and i felt so stupid because it isn’t even ours but it’s what we listened to together and it was the first song i’d ever sent you to listen to. it reminded me of you, it reminds me of you to this day and it’s hard to listen to it, and it’s so pathetic to admit something like that but it just hurts to hear it. 

aside from that there’s so many things i still want to tell you, i just. i, okay, this is going to be really hard for me. you’ll never see this anyway so i guess it’s fine. i want to tell you that i hate you, i hate you so much minho. i hate the way you shorten your words when you text, i hate the way you always complimented me to make me feel better about myself. i hate the soft lilt of your voice and how cute your laugh was.

i hate the way you take selfies and always seem to find the right angle and always sent them to me to cheer me up. i hate your stupid mole on your nose that i want to kiss more than anything in this world and i hate your beauty marks that litter your skin. i hate your stupid laugh lines and the way your smile brightened my day, i hate the way your bangs fan out across your face and how you put it up to move it out of your way, i hate the fact that you would always stay up late to talk to me and make sure i was okay. fuck.

i woke up this morning still hating you. i hate you for making me care, for making me worry, for making me want, for making me love you and then taking all of that away. i despise you and how much i want to waste everything i own on getting one kiss, just one. i can’t stand these feelings and i despise you for planting them in my mind. 

what i can’t fathom is the fact that you made so many empty promises that you couldn’t keep. and i was a fool to believe your sweet words because i was in so deep. you told me you couldn’t see yourself with anyone but me (which is stupid on my part for believing), you promised me of all the things we’d do as a couple, and you promised you still loved and cared for me even after our breakup. you promised that we’d still be friends and that you’d never leave me. 

we were friends before we were together so i believed that shit like it wasn’t gonna be broken. i lapped your words up like a kid drinking a milkshake and i believed everything you told me. you lied to me, you broke all of your promises. every single one. you made me believe you and then you up and left and blocked my number. how are we supposed to keep in contact and stay friends like you promised?

you promised i was stuck with you, that i could never get rid of you and then you decide that you think it’s for the best to just up and leave? that i would be better off if you just left? that’s not okay, minho, it’s not fucking okay. i trusted you with everything. you said you cared but you could no longer be my boyfriend and i understand, i understood you. i just wanted you to be happy and if our relationship no longer made you happy then we didn’t need to be together, but don’t make empty promises you can’t keep. 

you broke every single promise you made. and i should have seen it coming. you told me you’re a compulsive liar. i should’ve known, i really should have, but i was blinded by you. you’re a liar. a thief. you stole my fucking heart and you didn’t even ask if i would miss it. and i hate you for that, but i hate myself for willingly giving it to you, for falling so quickly after promising myself i’d never fall in love again. especially after-

you’re worse than him, i hope you know that. at least he had half a mind to keep every promise he made me even after we broke up. he kept every single promise minho, and you didn’t keep a single promise. i hate you, i hate every single moment of this because i despite everything i still love you with everything i have. 

i hate that i love you

love, ji.

p.s. fuck you minho, fuck you for blocking me and for abandoning our friendship. maybe it’s for the best and i’ll thank you down the road but right now fuck you.

he wipes the tears that fall freely as he signs the paper and folds it, placing it in the envelope and setting it on the shelf that he knows would never be opened again before heading up the stairs and heading to bed (and if he shed a few tears in bed and pet his cats thinking of minho’s then so be it).