Dimitri had always admired Felix’s hands, lithe but calloused, delicate in every way excluding how brutally they could murder a man. But honestly, it is not until this moment that Dimitri could truly appreciate the duality of Felix’s fingers, their innate beauty and spite.
His thighs were unbearably tense where they propped on either side of Felix’s lap, sweat sliding down straining muscle. It took every spare thought in his head to not crush the headboard beneath his fingers, against which Felix rested. Dimitri’s whine ended on a gasp when Felix applied pressure to that same place once again, how he’d been teasing him for what felt like hours now.
One hand wrapped around the base of his cock, denying him any release, and three fingers buried in him, mercilessly seeking his pleasure. Dimitri had grown to hate Felix’s hands, he’d decided. Fuck Felix’s hands, he thought hysterically, nearly sobbing when Felix squeezed his cock again.
Felix, on the other hand, was having the time of his life. Dimitri was falling apart under his fingertips, spit slicked lips parted to gasp for breath, eye screwed closed, and every muscle quaking. The Dimitri spread across his lap was beyond anything he’d ever conjured up in his wildest fantasies - if Felix were a religious man, he’d say Dimitri was a specter of divinity itself. The silk of Dimitri’s shirt clung to his skin, the only item of clothing left on him, and sweat had quickly rid the fabric of any level of decency it might have otherwise provided. A heated flush painted Dimitri’s cheeks and chest rose, making the love bites scattered across his neck stand out even darker. Goddess, he was a fucking wreck. And Felix had made him that way.
He’s held Dimitri at the brink for nearly half an hour now, ruthlessly seeking out that spot within him that him shiver and whine. This was only the second time he had touched Dimitri like this, been inside him the way no one else ever had. It had quickly become clear early on in their relationship that between Dimitri’s natural physical sensitivity and the long years without a kind touch, that such treatment could easily unravel him.
This was quite fortunate in Felix’s mind, for after so much pain, after the endless exhaustion and responsibilities that still chase his King’s every step, there is nothing Felix wants to do more than make Dimitri focus every fiber of his being on feeling good and nothing else .
Dimitri had been slipping recently, back into patterns that were once a source of miserable comfort for him but were anything but good. He slept less and worked more, forgot meals and spent hours in the training yard. Unsurprisingly, unifying an entire continent was exhausting, demanding work - enough to drive any man mad. Felix was terrified at first, anxiety rising is his throat and nearly making him sick. What to do, what to do, what do I do - the panic was overwhelming. At a loss, he had turned to Mercedes for answers and as always, her advice was simple: find out what he needs, and give it to him. She told him that he would do his part, and they would do theirs. Neither Dimitri nor Felix was alone in this again, and they never would be.
So Felix focused on how he could help Dimitri the way no one else could.
What was it that Dimitri needed? He needed to fucking take care of himself. Remember that he was worth taking care of - that people cared about him. That he deserved to feel good. Okay . Felix could do that. He wasn’t always the best at words, never could seem to convey the tangle web of emotions that got caught in his throat - he was a man of action.
So one night he cleared Dimitri’s schedule - as was well within his power and rights as the King’s advisor and consort, thank you - and sent him to their room. Felix gathered a few necessary items from the kitchen (a stash of almond cookies Mercie had made and a canteen of chilled sweet tea) and steeled himself. He had spent the day before in the castle library, pouring over books that likely would have gotten him detention all those years ago at the academy. Another day he might have questioned their presence in the royal library, but he was just grateful he wouldn’t have to consult Sylvain. Which, disgustingly, he would have done if it came down to it. The things he did for love.
Prepared as he would ever be, he had entered their bed chamber, set aside his rucksack of goods and dragged Dimitri away from the heap of papers at his desk. He took the taller man’s face in his hands, held his gaze and told the love of his life that in no uncertain terms - “I’m going to make you feel good, okay?”
Dimitri had gaped and spluttered some nonsense about how Felix didn’t have to, how there was still the southern skirmishes he had to read intelligence reports of, how it was only half past eight -
But Felix wouldn’t give in so easily.
“I want to make you feel good. Yes or no, Dimitri?” Felix narrowed his eyes at Dimitri’s hesitation, “You can say no. You can always say no.”
Dimitri flushed, darting his eye between the space beyond Felix’s head and making bashful eye contact. He swallowed hard, and Felix distractedly watched the shift of muscles along his neck. Dimitri muttered something, dragging one huge hand across his face as if gathering his wits and then gave a quick jerky nod - yes.
Not enough , Felix thought.
“I want you to say it. Can you say it for me?”
Felix nodded, good enough for now. He’ll get Dimitri to where he needed to be before the end of the night.
“Okay. You tell me to stop if you need me to, or go slow if you need a break. Okay?”
Dimitri licked his lips - and. There it was, black eating away at ice blue and the telltale shift in his footing. Nervous but intrigued. Felix can work with that.
Dimitri cleared his throat: “Yes. Okay.”
And so, Dimitri ended up spread on Felix’s fingers, his entire body on fire, and mind cleared of anything but the need to fucking come . Goddess please just fucking let him - !
Felix’s fingers were pumping in and out of him idly now, only grazing the spot where Dimitri needed them the most, damn him. Felix had been going back and forth between relentlessly building up the anxious need in his body, massaging there till Dimitri was certain his knees would collapse beneath him, and leisurely stroking his insides as if they had all the time in the world. Every time he even got somewhere close to relief, to finally letting go, Felix would squeeze his cock and Dimitri would stifle a miserable sob. Every now and then Felix would ask him if he needed to stop, to slow down, to breathe - but Dimitri just shuddered and choked out a desperate denial. (At the beginning of this affair, he’d even tacked on a heated thank you , an acknowledgement of the security Felix offered him time and time again - but he was past any sense of verbal decorum at this point.)
It was just after the half hour mark of this special kind of torture that Felix began to slow, almost still his fingers - wanting to give Dimitri a breather - and Dimitri chased them, not wanting to be bereft for a moment. Up until then Dimitri had always taken what was given to him with gratitude, whining for more but taking no initiative to pursue that which he wanted so desperately. Until now, until he sank down onto Felix’s fingers with a desperate little cry, the headboard behind Felix creaking dangerous. Felix swallowed hard. This was it - this is what he wanted, this is what Dimitri needed. Fuck , he did it.
“Does it feel good - did you want that? Do you want me to make you feel good? Do you want to feel good?
Dimitri sobbed and rocked on Felix’s fingers, fucking himself on them. His eye shone in the soft lighting and big fat tears slipped down his cheek. He was looking directly at Felix - no shame, no hesitation, no fucking useless self-worth issues hanging around his neck or bullshit left - he just. Wanted. Felix couldn’t breath for moment, enraptured - and then Dimitri gathered himself enough to respond to the question Felix barely remembered asking.
“Please... please Felix.. please I want it, I want you to make me feel good, please, please… I want to feel good-” Dimitri interrupted himself with a shallow moan, closing his eye and biting down on his lip hard .
Felix shuddered, he thanked the goddess he was seated because his legs were fucking numb , he was going fucking crazy he needed to make Dimitri come, he had to let him come - but not before -
Felix lurched forwards, thrusting his fingers into Dimitri hard, deeper than ever before making the other man cry out. Three things happened all at once - Felix found that spot inside Dimitri that made him shake, pumped his cock, smearing the liquid at the head, and latched onto the string of bruises at his neck, worrying away at them when his teeth and tongue - mind full of nothing but Dimitri, Dimitri, Dimitri .
Dimitri went slack beneath him, and it felt like a gut punch to Felix. This was it, this was it, he fucking did it - Dimitri’s breathing was shaky and sweet, his eye glazed over and muscles loose. Felix wasted no time then, his own breathing fast and hard as he worked Dimitri’s cock until the man was mewling, tears spilling down his cheek even faster now.
Dimitri came with a miserable little sob, spilling over Felix’s fist and clenching hot and tight around his fingers, making Felix curse at the sensation.
What came next was a flurry of movement - pulling himself free of Dimitri, grabbing a cloth from the bedside stand he’s left there in preparation, and making a quick work of clean up. Felix, with no small effort, traded positions with Dimitri so that the taller man was proposed up against the head board and Felix curled above him. The whole time Felix kept one hand on Dimitri’s chest, stroking softly or curling into his collar. As he wiped away the mess from their bodies he pressed kisses to Dimitri’s temple, his cheeks, his nose, his brow.
“You were so good for me, Dimitri. Thank you, thank you,” he murmured brushing kisses to his cheeks. “You did so well, so good, thank you. Thank you for letting me make you feel good.”
Dimitri hiccuped, cheeks still flushed and his eye screwed shut and Felix could feel the embarrassment, the shame that was curling up under his lover’s skin now that he was returning to the world around them.
“Dimitri, Dima, can you look at me? Look at me, Dima,” Felix whispered, brushing away tears and caressing Dimitri’s cheeks in his hands. Dimitri let out another shuddering breath and cracked open his eye, shining with tears.
“There you are,” Felix rumbled, pleased, and pressed a kiss to Dimitri’s forehead. When he moved back he maintained eye contact and filled Dimitri’s vision.
“Just for me right? Always for me? It’s okay, it’s for me. You can show me. I’ve seen everything, Dimitri. It’s always been me, right? Thank you for letting it be me.”
Felix knew he was babbling, but the way Dimitri relaxed with the words, the tension bleeding from his shoulders made Felix ready to babble for hours if necessary.
Of course it was fine , Dimitri thought to himself, his breathing slowing. It was Felix. When no one else saw what festered under his skin, Felix knew. Felix always knew. Felix could accept everything, Felix could take everything, Felix-
“I want you to show me, okay? That’s what I want.”
Felix wants all of him.
Dimitri quietly munches on the cookies, lucidity slowly returning to his gaze. He polished off his sixth cookie and washes it down with a swig from the canteen. Felix is both pleased to see him taking the initiative to go for more cookies and also only a little disappointed he’d no longer be required to hand feed him as he had previously been doing.
After a few moments, Dimitri hummed thoughtfully.
“You know, of all the times I imagined being with you, I never could have imagined you’d edge me for almost an hour, make me beg, then make me cry, and top it all off with feeding me cookies and tea afterwards.”
Finally, somehow, after all this time, Felix flushes a bright, beautiful red.
Dimitri smiles, soft and sweet, and a little tremulous, tears threatening to rise again - “guess I really underestimated how much you love me.”
Felix choked, and without hesitation: “Yes, you absolutely did. Don’t be stupid. You have no idea how much-“
Dimitri shushed his lover with a kiss.
“No, I do now. Thank you... I’ll take better care of myself. I...” Dimitri huffed then, and pawed at the tears welling up.
“Your judgement has never been wrong. You would never... never do this for me if I... didn’t deserve it,” Dimitri breathed, a little awed despite himself. Felix felt emotion rise in his throat. He got it. Dimitri understood , Felix had gotten through.
“So I will... treat myself better. Okay? For you... and for myself.”
“Good... Good,” Felix choked out - and then he was the one crying, overcome with relief and just how much he fucking loved this man. Dimitri just startled and moved forward to wipe away his tears, and Felix indulged him for a moment before swatting him away, not unkindly.
It was a few minutes later that Dimitri gave a slight cough into his fist and slide his eyes over to Felix meaningfully - “Did you want me to…?”
Felix hummed for a second, trying to figure out what the fuck that was supposed to mean and then - oh. Felix scoffed at first, choking slightly on his amusement, then laughed, a wild thing that had endearing confusion sweep across Dimitri’s expression.
“Sometimes you really amaze me - like I wouldn’t alone fucking come from watching you like that,” Dimitri made a pained noise next to him, but Felix paid him no mind - “Goddess! I thought you said you knew how much I loved you,” Felix snickered, teasing and feeling lighter than he had in years at the completely awed and embarrassed look on his lover’s face.
Dimitri was gobsmacked, jaw dropped and flush returning to his cheeks, “...you?!”
Felix rolled his eyes and huffed, unmistakably fond, “Did you really already forget that you came from just sucking me off the first time? We’re fucking embarassing.”
Dimitri muttered something about of course he didn’t forget but goddess he didn’t expect Felix to - !
Felix just laughed again, snatched one of the remaining cookies, and gave into the urge to feed it to Dimitri - fuck fear of attachment, fuck fear of getting into too deep. They’re far past that, now. Dimitri smiled and Felix just grinned back helplessly. They’ll be okay.