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Perfect Little Girl

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You tell me
Get off your phone
Stop the music
It'll impact your scores
I'm disappointed in you
I regret my life choices
Are you not afraid of death, (dumb child)?

Your heart fills with bitterness
And mine with more misery

Am I not good enough for you?
Not good enough grades?
Not hardworking?
Not a procrastinating phoneaholic?
Not your perfect little girl?

If I were to be your perfect little girl
I'd be a diligent, wise academic
But there would be no more to my name
Other than grades and reputation
For a perfect little girl I would be,
I would be enthusiastic, obedient
With little time for my hobbies
Even for when you claim
You can do what you like
ONCE you are done with your studies
But studies are not to be completed
So easily, so quickly, in 10th grade

You impacted me
Your high standards became mine
You think I don't care much for academia
But do I?

Being your perfect little girl
Is no easy task
When juggling being myself
At the same time

You don't see the silent tears
Every other afternoon
When it feels too much to handle
Too big shoes to fill
Hours of tears, writing, rants
Much of which you never hear

For being your perfect little girl
Is too much for me
I know this
As I fret in anxiety almost every day
To keep up, to work hard, to be "good enough for university"
To be the perfect little girl of your dreams

For under the cheerful, airheaded demeanor
Lies an emotional wreck

Sometimes I wonder whether it is worth it

To flee from responsibility is no option for me
For non-academic sister and friends
Need me to help keep them afloat
The world needs me
But losing my individuality, being your pawn
Is not a choice, for I have tried and failed to cage my gale
Several times in childhood
The world needs me
Suicide and self-harm? Nowhere on my to-do list
The world needs me
So as I tread through No Man's Land
To try to be your perfect little girl but still be me
I know I need a hand to hold on to
Lest I drown in my abyss of despair

The most I get
Is often a tissue or two
As my classmates ask
If their resident hok baa is okay
She isn't, but she lies through her teeth
And for the friends she trusts enough to confide in
Half are not at high enough calibre to compare
The rest are too far away to help with more than encouraging words


And why a girl is phoneaholic
Is to turn from the duties for just a little while
To make things less serious
To numb her mind from the pain
And you attempt to take my drug from me
To return me to my harsh truth

I DO want to be your perfect little girl
But with too many risk factors to consider, I'm not perfect enough for you