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Contrary to popular belief, Jason didn’t want to steal Dick’s life and his friends and his lovers or whatever. Fuck it. Dick could keep it. Dick’s life was exhausting. Take his voicemails for example. So, yeah, Jason had stolen Dick’s phone — because he was bored and that was something he could do. If the rest of his overbearing, self righteous family insisted on bringing him into the fold, so be it. But if they tried to do that and were careless about their personal electronics around him, well, no one could blame him for what happened next.

Dick’s voicemail was filled with recent calls of people who all wanted to talk to him, all of them begging for his attention in one way or the other. It wasn’t a secure phone, there was no superhero business on it. It was just countless thirsty people, all of them wanting Dick, one way or the other …

And that was before Jason found the dick pics -- and the vids.

He knew, intellectually, that he would find them. Dick was insanely hot, stupidly friendly guy who never said no to anyone if he could help it. He was probably bombarded with as much genitalia as he could possibly want, of every possible variety. Jason squinted at the screen. He could probably spend a week looking through the album, judging the quality of the shots. He could print them out. Make a quilt. But one thing did jump out at him — and that was that some of those dicks definitely belonged to Dick Grayson himself.

How did Jason know this?

Well, he wasn’t trained under Batman, the world’s greatest detective, for nothing. Jason had great observation skills. And he had observed Dick’s dick plenty of times, getting in and out of showers, back when he was Robin and they were training together. It wasn’t like he made it a point to look, or anything. He just did. He was fourteen and horny. Of course he looked. He had to. It was like the law or something. Teen law.

“Hey, Jason, have you seen my phone?” Dick said, sticking his head into the room. Jason didn’t even try to hide what he was doing — what would be the point? Dick probably knew.

“Yeah, I stole it,” Jason said. “You know you can just get this shit online now? You’re really retro, Grayson.”

“But it means more if people send it to me,” Dick said with a wink.

“You’re a sick fuck. I’m putting some of it up on Pornhub.”

“Don’t do that. No one will believe you anyway.”

“What are you two talking about?” Tim asked them, coming up behind Dick. Dick shrugged. Jason tossed the phone back to Dick. The hell he was going to explain the bats and the birds to fucking Tim. Dick could take that loss. As for Jason? Well, he would rather die again.