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Tour Tales

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flan chess ski has created a group!

flan chess ski has added btec joey essex to the group

flan chess ski has added max’s munchies to the group

flan chess ski has added matt’s munchies to the group

flat chess ski has added müller corner to the group

max’s munchies has named the group tour time

btec joey essex: i fucking hate all of you

müller corner: you’re such a fucking aries it hurts

btec joey essex: get outta here u fake sagittarius

flat chess ski: *pretends to be shocked*

matt’s munchies: we deadass go on tour in like an hour stop talking and finish packing

max’s munchies: yeah guys stop talking

flat chess ski: fuck off matt u ain’t cool eating max’s ass

müller corner: i didn’t need that in my life

btec joey essex: deal with it then u little bitch

matt’s munchies: danyul be nice

flat chess ski: good name choice

flat chess ski has changed btec joey essex’s name to danyul!

danyul: this is why i don’t suck your dick anymore

flat chess ski: liar, u deadass gave me head last night while watching bake off

müller corner: my! virgin! eyes!

danyul: shut up chris we know you wank

müller corner: so what? i gotta get myself off somehow since my boyfriend ain’t here atm

matt’s munchies: we don’t care about brian

müller corner: you're just salty because matt didnt suck you off last night

matt’s munchies: ok we have levelled up from that

müller corner: he's probably rimmed you

matt’s munchies: we f u c k e d

danyul: like dick in butt action?

max’s munchies: how else dan, by inserting my penis into his eye socket?

flat chess ski: ok this is getting out of hand stop

matt’s munchies: i once caught you fucking dan and it was scary

danyul: it’s because i was bottoming for once lmao

danyul: but thats not as scary as being woken up by you two moaning at 3am

müller corner: that’s a sentence i also didn’t need to read

flat chess ski: i didn’t sign up to be harassed, i made this group so we could discuss tour

max’s munchies: well fucking add who we’re touring with u nonce

flat chess ski: im gonna push you off a cliff matthew

matt’s munchies: get tf off my mans u little pussy, atleast he didn’t cheat on his fiancé in australia


müller corner: SHOTS FIRED

max’s munchies: i love my boyfriend :)

flat chess ski has added woli skyes to the chat

flat chess ski has added vegan to the chat

flat chess ski has added mail to the chat

flat chess ski has added salmon boy to the chat

flat chess ski has added micky pickles to the chat

woli skyes: why the fuck are we here?

danyul: t o u r

matt’s munchies: we’re discussing our sex lives and how i like to rim matt

vegan: sorry what

max’s munchies: oh and we made fun of josh cheating on a*****l

micky pickles: sounds fun but i’m going back to sleep

mail: the tour bus is about to pick you up, dingus

micky pickles: you’re gonna have to drag me out of my bed then

salmon boy: fucking watch us then

flat chess ski has changed their name to joshuah!

joshuah: i sound a bit more sane now

danyul: babe ur never gonna be sane after shagging me

vegan: oh yeah btw oli i stole your bunk


matt’s munchies: u have the strength of a toddler u ain’t gonna do shit oliver

woli skyes: watch me p u s s y

max’s munchies: don’t!be!so!fucking!rude!

micky pickles: i was awoken by jordan dragging me out of my bed down the stairs and into the bus

salmon boy: should’ve got out of bed u lazy cunt

micky pickles: never

mail: im going back to sleep in my bunk goodnight fellas

danyul: it’s 1pm?

mail: i’m sleeping pussy

danyul: yeah, i know i get pussy, more than you mate


danyul: dw love i only love u

woli skyes: i just gagged

joshuah: just bc u cant get a relationship

salmon boy: incorrect!

matt’s munchies: and how would you know this?

woli skyes: bc he is my relationship

müller corner: i was messaging brian and i come back to nicholls being dragged into the bus and jordi being a thing

joshuah: bet you were like "suck me off after tour!"

müller corner: josh stop PLEASE

salmon boy: is that our ship name?

müller corner: yes

woli skyes: change it i hate it

vegan: we don’t care oliver just embrace it

woli skyes: this is harassment, i did not sign up for my boyfriend and i to be harassed

joshuah: well you clearly fucking did

salmon boy: i’ll have you know that i love oliver sykes and no one can stop me

danyul: ah that’s where you’re wrong

danyul: we can murder one of you, that’ll stop you from loving each other

müller corner: what the fuck daniel

matt’s munchies: i don’t know how to respond to that

max's munchies: me neither babe

danyul: save if for the bedroom

salmon boy: did you just reference your own band?

joshuah: get off my man jordan or else there will be consequences

matt's munchies: eh josh being all protective

max's munchies: thought that was dans job

joshuah: you can't say anything both of you are kinky

matt's munchies: have you seen chris and brian? theyre worse

müller corner: i didnt expect to get called out by this

joshuah: atleast i dont wank in the shower because my boyfriend didnt suck me off

müller corner: thats matt and max youre talking about not me.

max's munchies: dont be so fucking rude!

danyul: chris lets face it you wank in the shower, thats why you take so long!

matt's munchies: imma pretend i didnt read that

max's munchies: ^

salmon boy: can we talk about how josh, dan and chris are all exposing each other and then matt and max are out here being moods

matt's munchies: sOMEONE SAID IT FINALLY !

joshuah: i hope you break your neck jordan, supporting those arseholes smh!1!1!

woli skyes: get off my man joshua

vegan: i dragged nicholls out of his bunk, lazy fucker

woli skyes: thought i heard something coming from the bunk aisle

danyul: ^ the rest of you me listening to matt and max moaning at 3am

max’s munchies: put in headphones then dummy, i need to dick my boy down

salmon boy: just let him dick his boy down ok?

danyul: imagine being awoken by two of your best mates dicking each other down though

danyul: it’s not that great for my psychological health but ok

matt’s munchies: just get josh to do the same to you

danyul: nah because im not a twink like you

danyul: also chris fucking socialise

müller corner: no, leave me alone, i want sleep

vegan: oh.


vegan: also if you’re awoken by loud moans, it’s probably jordan and oli

joshuah: oh same but with matt and max

matt’s munchies: stop fucking calling us out like this

salmon boy: ^
joshuah: nO

danyul: atleast we dont shag at 3am, if so its in a hotel

woli skyes: again, i dont want my boyfriend or i to be harrassed ever again!

woli skyes: i’d also like to inform everyone

woli skyes: that daniel david flint

danyul: thats me

woli skyes: has kept the handcuffs from the loverboy music video

danyul: you werent supposed to tell anyone you dingbat

joshuah: he probably found it in your bunk

joshuah: just so you can tie me up

salmon boy: too far save it for the bedroom

woli skyes: wait josh

joshuah: das me

Woli skyes: who was it who you cheated on abigail with in australia?

Danyul: it was me motherfucker

Joshuah: you were supposed to keep that quiet you dweeb

Woli skyes: i thought it was a fan you shagged

Müller corner: what an insult, dweeb

Matt’s munchies: youre a dweeb chris

Müller corner: i didnt come here to be harassed

Salmon boy has added maccies into the chat


Danyul: it’s chris’ hookup!

Max’s munchies: it is oh my god

Maccies: hi i guess

Matt’s munchies has changed maccies’s name to chris’s hookup


Chris’ hookup: ive not even been in the chat a minuet and you’re all ruining me


Mail: waddup, i’ve been dragged out by nicholls and vegan
Nicholls: well then
Max’s munchies: we all heard something then
Matt’s munchies: *jokes incoming about us and jordi shagging at 3am*
Salmon boy: atleast its not one like “helnes”
Max’s munchies: fuck off shading our ship name
Matt’s munchies: im thinking of getting flinteschi tattooed on my arse
Joshuah: i just called chief and he said this aint it
Danyul: joshua someone loves us
Chris’ hookup: what have i been added to
Salmon boy: something that you shouldnt have been added to
Chris’ hookup: could i add lyndsey into this chat for emotional support
Joshuah: a wOMAN FINALLY
Danyul: bi culture meme

Chris’ hookup has added gerd to the chat


Salmon boy: i thought you were american

Gerd: jordan you have oli to dick you down shut up

Woli skyes: hi lynn

Gerd: i will throw my amp at you and jordan next time i see you both

Mail: how nice

Nicholls: ^

Vegan: ^^

Vegan: we can finally get peace then

Gerd: damn

Gerd: you all really cant go a minute without shading each other

Max’s munchies: Lynn

Gerd: what

Max’s munchies: max is full on crying to heaven

Chris’s hookup: pussy boy

Max’s munchies: SAY THAT AGAIN

Chris’s hookup: pussy boy

Gerd: i will slap the queer out of you brian

Max’s munchies: good

Matt’s munchies: im done crying to heaven and st. patrick now

Matt’s munchies: it was the stripped version of st. patrick as well

Joshuah: i go for 5 minutes and this is what i come back to

Matt’s munchies: but just remember that if we ever tour with pvris i will be crying to heaven and
st patrick

Max’s munchies: possibly you and i as well

Danyul: if that aint me i dont know what is

Joshuah: danyul that is very gay

Danyul: i know, its why i put my dick in yer arse

Gerd: i’m leaving

Gerd: tmi!!!
Chris’ hookup: lynn you are meant to be here for emotional supportSalmon boy: clearly she fucking isnt look at the poor lesbian

Woli skyes: sticking up for lynn hMM?

Woli skyes: if i wasnt any smarter i’d say you lIKE her

Müller corner: pLoT tWiSt


Vegan: thats not very vegan lyndsey


Mail: pew pew the shots have been fired

Nicholls: im going to bed im too hungover for this

Vegan: again? Bitch i will drag you out again

Nicholls: not if i sleep with you ;)

Max’s munchies: this is where i draw the line

Joshuah: sick,,,

Woli skyes: hey josh

Joshuah: wat

Danyul: oh lord here goes oliver saying some more shit

Woli skyes: ur pull out game is shit josh

Joshuah: sorry what,,,

Müller corner: i wasnt expecting that

Max’s munchies: me neither tbh

Salmon boy: babe what the fuck

Woli skyes: im here to spill the tea im a scorpio what do u expect?

Vegan: oli go to fucking sleep

Woli skyes: and what are you doing matt, because all i can hear is nicholls yelling

Vegan: he’s trying to climb into my bunk

Mail: im witnessing this and its quite funny because all i can see is two legs sticking out of his

Salmon boy: sad times but im going to bed

Woli skyes: me too goodnight

Danyul: is that code for ‘we’re gonna fuck’?

Joshuah: technically matt and max

Joshuah: shit i hear something

Müller corner: yeah, its called jordi are fucking

Müller corner: and helnes smh


Chris’ hookup: wanna make that a third couple?

Danyul: this is where i want to die

Gerd: me too dan

Gerd: me too

Joshuah: stop stealing my boyfriend you fucking lesbian

Gerd: fucking fight me alphonse


Joshuah: im joking please dont hurt me

Danyul: you’re scared of lynn? She’s like a dwarf compared to you

Gerd: watch it daniel or i’ll come for you as well

Danyul: gotta zoom

Müller corner: ok so helnes are really going at it, i can hear scary noises coming from the bog

Vegan: ok nicholls gave up and fell asleep on the floor, but i just heard the door open on the bus
and im scared

Danyul: i’ll fight them

Gerd: me too, im the big bad lez

Joshuah: lynndsey,,,

Joshuah: youre as menacing as a teddy bear

Gerd: i will be menacing when i strangle you

Danyul: kinky

Joshuah: ok so someone in all black just walked into the front lounge, im in the kitchen peeping
round the corner

Danyul: do u need me to protect you

Joshuah: dan im a 28 year old man

Danyul: yeah but you screamed yesterday because there was a spider in the bathtub at home

Gerd: ha pussy

Joshuah: at least i didnt cry because there was a bee in my bus once

Gerd: that was one time!

Gerd: atleast i didnt cheat on my fiance of 7 years in australia with a fan

Joshuah: and thats where youre wrong

Danyul: i’ll have you know lynn, i was the fan

Gerd: bitch what the fuck

Gerd: when?



Gerd: hey where’s brian?


Chris’ hookup: surprise motherfucker


Müller corner: w h a t

Joshuah: get your ass into this kitchen now chris

Danyul: ohmygod more butt sex? This is too much for me to take

Joshuah: you’re not the one who bottoms though

Gerd: tmi!!!

Vegan: update: helnes are still fucking and so are jordi



Gerd: was wondering what happened to them both

Max’s munchies: sorry were bruhng so loud its goof sec


Joshuah: put your phone away and enjoy your sex you fucking pillock

Gerd: wait max is topping?

Gerd: never thought id see that coming

Mail: they woke me up with max screaming daddy

Mail: this isnt what i came on tour to witness

Gerd: id be fucking traumatized if i was awoke by moans

Gerd: especially if its max topping screaming “daddy”

Nicholls: why am i on the floor?

Vegan: you tried to get into my bunk so i pushed you out

Nicholls: thats nice, goodnight

Gerd: so brian as i am your emotional support, how’s things going?

Danyul: that’s not a suitable question to ask

Joshuah: the better question would be “what are you doing?”

Gerd: ohmygod he isnt is he?

Salmon boy: sadly yes

Salmon boy: yes he is

Gerd: i’m gonna murder him

Woli skyes: i just busted the fattest nut

Danyul: ok i didnt need to know that

Joshuah: did it make you go blind?

Woli skyes: it made jordan go blind if you know what i mean ;)

Gerd: i fucking hate you oliver

Woli skyes: love you too ;)

Matt’s munchies: did we miss much?

Joshuah: um, oli nutted on jordan’s face, chris and brian are currently shagging, vegan nearly
murdered nicholls, and me and lynn verbally attacked each other

Matt’s munchies: sounds fun

Max’s munchies: i love you max

Gerd: thats gay stop

Salmon boy: Lyndsey gunnulfsen is homophobic smh!!

Gerd: fuck, you caught me out, i secretly love dick

Danyul: you can suck mine since josh cant take head

Joshuah: want me to prove it?

Danyul: ok

Woli skyes: ok so theyre going to fuck now, im gonna go sleep

Salmon boy: ok night babe

Gerd: what a shame dan, bye you fags


Müller corner: i just got the best dick in my life

Salmon boy: cool beans

Chris’ hookup: hell yeah im going to sleep for 47 years now

Salmon boy: ok goodnight everyone

Vegan: night

Mail: ok see u in the morning