Did Him: The First
As he entered the trailer, Orlando heard voices. "Harrison Ford, Patriot Games," Sean was chuckling. "My first star had to be Han Solo, the scoundrel!"
"Did him. Witness," laughed Viggo as Orlando gaped. "For me he was Indiana Jones."
"I was in that too," said a mockingly indignant John. "And I did him, but he wasn't my first star. That was Derek Jacobi in I, Claudius."
"Did him," declared Ian. "But I thought of my first star as Brian Blessed -- Recruiting Officer."
"Did him! Lady Chatterley." Sean smiled, and they all turned to Orlando. "Well? Who's going to be yours?"
Did Him Too: Reshoots
The Fellowship members back in Wellington went out for drinks.
"Sean, what have you been doing?" demanded John.
"Michael Douglas, for one," Beanie grinned.
"I did him!" announced Viggo. "Perfect Murder. Perfect cover, too -- everyone thought I was fucking Gwyneth Paltrow."
"I did him too," came a quiet voice across the table. Everyone stared at Sean Astin. "War of the Roses. I was just a kid."
"What a bastard," Dom said sympathetically. Sean shrugged, looking around.
"Too bad Orli isn't here. I hear Ewan McGregor turned him down."
"Yeah?" Viggo asked carelessly. "He's flying in on Thursday."
Did Him 3: The Most Powerful Man In Middle-earth
"The best? Depp was great," sighed Orlando after The Two Towers premiere.
"Did him during Sleepy Hollow. Also Christopher Walken."
Viggo's eyebrows rose. "He's something. Though Christian Bale was fantastic..."
"Did him. Treasure Island."
"...I suppose Richard Chamberlain," John nodded.
"Did him repeatedly over the course of several Three Musketeers movies."
Bernard Hill leaned forward. "Mine was Ben Kingsley, during Gandhi. Hell of an actor too."
"Did him. Ramses to his Moses." Bernard looked jealous.
"John Gielgud was quite charming," recalled Ian.
"Did him. Far Pavilions."
Finally Billy chuckled. "Is there anyone in the business you haven't done, Mr. Lee?"
Did Him 4: Bondage
"Roger Moore was suave and debonair," reflected Christopher Lee. "Just what you'd expect from James Bond. A little egotistical, but very talented. Man with the golden gun, indeed."
"Timothy Dalton was terrible and knew it," grumbled John Rhys-Davies. "No living daylights there. Tried to compensate for his lack of charisma with brute force. He was quick and nasty."
"Brosnan was first-class," admitted Bean with a nostalgic chuckle. "Smooth, sly, a little dangerous." He grinned at the others. "It's great that we're all in London. What do you want to do tonight?"
They looked at each other and spoke together: "Connery."
Did Him 5: A Mushroom-Cloud Laying Motherfucker
"And then there are the ones that got away," John Rhys-Davies said nostalgically as he started on his third brandy. "For me it was Samuel L. Jackson. I spent all of The Great White Hype trying to get him."
"I barely saw him during Patriot Games," laughed Sean Bean. "I never had a chance."
"And I don't think I'll ever have one in the Star Wars movies. We're on opposite sides of the Force," Christopher Lee sighed, gazing into his wine glass.
"Maybe Marton had better luck making XXX with him," suggested Sean. "We should call him sometime and ask."
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
"I'm so glad you're in this movie, Sean," said Elijah. "In addition to being like a brother, you've lowered all our Kevin Bacon numbers to two."
"Huh?" Sean Astin asked.
"Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon? That game where you figure out how many co-stars there are between you and him? You were in White Water Summer with him, so my number is two -- from me to you to him."
Brad Dourif had been standing quietly by the door. "I did him," he said suddenly. "During Murder in the First. So you're all just one degree from doing Kevin Bacon."
Did Him Seven: Hell and Heaven
"I did two of the Patriarchs," boasted Bean. "Isaac and Jacob, played by Joss Ackland and Matthew Modine. I was Esau, so they were my father and brother."
"When I was the Devil, I did two archangels," Viggo gloated. "Simon and Gabriel -- Eric Stoltz and Christopher Walken."
"I've played Lucifer too," Christopher Lee noted. "But I was more nefarious as Dracula, and Peter Cushing and I did most of the cast."
Then John bested them all. "I had a three-way with Joseph and the Virgin Mary. John Shea and Madeline Stowe in The Nativity. I might have fathered Jesus!"
"Do any of you guys actually do women, or are they just for P.R.?" Liv typed in the chat room.
"Hell yes! Famke Janssen," replied Elijah immediately. "She was the highlight of The Faculty."
"I did her twice," wrote Sean Bean with a happy-face icon. "GoldenEye and Don't Say A Word."
"I did too, during both X-Men movies," noted Ian.
"The geeks will envy you -- she was on Star Trek and in House on Haunted Hill," posted Sean Astin. "Ian, I didn't know you did women."
"Well, for a straight man, you've shagged a lot of blokes," Ian retorted.
Did Him IX: The Legendary Journeys
"I'm curious, Karl," said Marton. "Did you do Kevin Sorbo?"
Karl shook his head. "He wasn't the Kevin I wanted on Hercules." Everyone got quiet. "Marton, Kevin Smith and I were in the Boadicea episode together," Karl explained to the others.
"Ares was in one of my Xena episodes. Great guy." Lawrence looked over at Mark. "Did you do Hercules?"
"Why do you think they kept asking me back?" Mark snorted, glancing at Craig. "What about you?"
"I was only on Xena. Never did Sorbo," lamented Craig. "I did Ted Raimi though."
"Me too!" exclaimed Karl, and they all grinned.
Did Him 10: Down Under
"When were you going to tell the rest of us?" Miranda laughed over the phone.
"Tell the rest of you what?" inquired Dave.
"That you're doing Hugo again! A miniseries now! How many times does this make for you two?"
"Four, I guess." Miranda could hear Dave's grin. "The Rings movies, Russian Doll and After the Deluge. Plus we had Sam Neill in common."
"Viggo told me to ask you if you did John Leguizamo during Moulin Rouge," reported Miranda. "He did him during Carlito's Way."
Dave chuckled. "Tell him I won't answer until he admits he's still doing Sean."
Did Him 11: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
"Dish," giggled Liv. "Did you do Bruce Willis?"
"During Bandits? Him and Billy Bob too," replied Cate. "You?"
"I did both of them in Armageddon!" Liv squealed.
"Guess I've been tailing Viggo," sighed Miranda. "I did Harrison Ford during What Lies Beneath, and Sean Penn and Elias Koteas during The Thin Red Line. Also John Cusack."
"I did him in Pushing Tin!" exclaimed Cate.
"...and I did Patricia Arquette in Human Nature," Miranda confessed. "I think Viggo did her in Indian Runner."
"You do girls, Mir?" Liv smiled. "Do you, Cate?"
"I've been waiting for one of you to ask."
Did Him 12: Fame
"It was bizarre," Orlando admitted. "There was Heath Ledger pleading with me to do it. Said I was a star. I was flattered but it was strange, you know?"
"Yeah," laughed Sean. "I did two little Derek Jarman movies, then I did Lorna Doone and had Clive Owen begging me to do it."
"Well, Russell Crowe didn't beg me," Billy reported.
"He's more famous than us!" exclaimed Orlando.
"I know." Billy grinned. "I begged him."
"What about you, Karl?" asked Sean. "Getting the star-fuck treatment these days?"
Karl snorted. "Why do you think I'm encouraging rumors about me and Viggo?"
Did Him 13: Unlucky
"My worst experience was Crimson Tide," lamented Viggo. "Denzel wasn't interested, Gene wasn't interested, Steve Zahn wasn't interested. I struck out."
"Mine was Troubles," admitted Sean Bean. "Forty people in the cast; I couldn't score with any of them."
"Bulworth," recalled Sean Astin. "I couldn't get Warren Beatty to do me, and he's done everyone."
Dom put a sympathetic arm around him. "I couldn't get Rutger Hauer in Hostile Waters and he's not exactly discriminating," he sighed.
"Glory Daze," groaned John. "Damon and Affleck...and I couldn't touch either one."
"Why not?" asked Billy.
John harrumphed. "Because they were both there."
Did Him XIV: God of Love
"Play Cupid for me," Craig whispered.
"Last time, I made you fall in love with a princess," Karl wriggled as Craig stuck his tongue in his ear. "Can't I play Caesar?"
"No. I want a god." Craig stopped to think. "How many gods have we done, between us?"
"Murray Keane. He played Hermes."
"There was a Xena episode with Hermes?"
"No, I did him during Chunuk Bair. Does Joel Tobeck count as one god or two?"
"One. When was that?"
"Years ago. Didn't we do all the Kiwi gods on Shortland Street?"
"Guess so," Craig agreed.
"So let's stop talking."
Did Him 15: Masters of the Force
"They're all as celibate as Jedi Knights," groaned Dave. "I wished I had a bigger part in Moulin Rouge just to watch Ewan move. But he was never interested."
"Neither was Liam Neeson during Ruby Cairo," grumbled Viggo. "But I heard rumors that they did each other. I wonder if Samuel L. Jackson turned them down?"
"Hayden was too young when we did that Vonnegut movie together," Sean Astin said. "Would Darth Vader count, anyway?"
Then Ian Holm wandered over with a sly grin. "I did Obi-Wan," he told them. Everyone goggled at him. "During Kafka. I did...Alec Guinness."
Did Him and the Chamber of Secrets
"Were you sorry not to get Dumbledore when Richard Harris died?" Christopher Lee asked Ian McKellen.
"Not at all," Ian replied. "Were you?"
"I am not a Harry Potter fan," declared Christopher.
"I wish they'd asked me," sighed Ian Holm. "It would have been a reunion. I did John Hurt in Alien, and Robbie Coltrane in From Hell, and Maggie Smith in Oh! What a Lovely War, and Julie Walters in Dreamchild, and John Cleese in Frankenstein -- and Kenneth Branagh in that, too..."
Suddenly Ian realized that people were staring.
"...but I never did Alan Rickman," he added. "A pity."
Did Him 17: Lucius Malfoy
"I know you guys all scoff at it, but I'd like to be in Harry Potter," admitted Orlando. "I've been an elf and a pirate; I want to be a wizard. And I could do Jason Isaacs again -- I did him during Black Hawk Down."
"Lucky you," said Liv. "He was hot during Armageddon."
"He was in Shopping with me," recalled Sean Bean. "But my wife was in that, so I had to behave. It'd be fun to do him in Harry Potter though, with the long blond hair."
"Got a thing for long blond hair, Bean?" snickered Orli.
Did Him 18: Not Telling
"I'm curious, Dave," said Elijah. "Were Tom and Nicole still together when you did Moulin Rouge?"
"Yes." David cocked an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?"
"I was just curious if the rumors about them are true. You know. Is he...?"
Dave suddenly looked uncomfortable. "I'm not saying a word."
Elijah glanced over and noticed Viggo listening. "Hey, Viggo, you were in something with Nicole, right?"
"Yeah," Viggo shrugged. "Portrait of a Lady."
"Did you meet Tom? Do you know? Is he...?"
"Couldn't tell you."
"Because you didn't get vibes?"
"Elijah," whispered Dave, "do the words 'non-disclosure contract' ring a bell?"
Did Him 19: The Third Degree
"Did you ever do Brad Pitt before?" Orlando asked Sean during Troy rehearsals.
"No," laughed Sean. "But I hear Harrison Ford did him during Devil's Own, so close."
"What about Peter O'Toole?" Orlando persisted.
"Never did him. But I did Nigel Terry in Caravaggio, and Nigel did Peter in The Lion In Winter."
"How about Eric Bana?"
"You did him during Black Hawk Down, right?" grinned Sean. "And I did you first."
"Did Christian Bale, who I did in Equilibrium. Not much separation there."
But Sean had had enough. "What is this...the third degree?"
Did Him 20: Children of Dune
"I'm watching that new Dune miniseries," Sean Bean typed in the chat room. "With Alice Krige -- I did her in Sharpe."
"That's not real Dune!" Sean Astin objected. "Dune is Kyle MacLachlan. Whom I did in Where the Day Takes You."
"And Patrick Stewart," noted Ian. "I did him in X-Men."
"And Virginia Madsen," Viggo wrote. "My bitch from The Prophecy."
"And Jose Ferrer," interjected John. "Whom I did in Peter and Paul."
"And Sian Phillips," Christopher recalled. "Did her in Ivanhoe."
"And me," typed the usually silent Brad Dourif.
"So we all did Dune!" Karl posted happy emoticons.
Did Him 21: The Search For Spock
"So you did the Borg Queen!" Sean Astin pointed out to Sean Bean. "And Ian did Captain Picard."
"And I did Captain Janeway on her own ship," put in John. "I did Captain Archer, too, before he was even in Enterprise, when we were doing Cats Don't Dance."
"I did Kate Mulgrew in Voyager and Scott Bakula in Color of Night," remarked Brad. "Plus I did Patrick Stewart in Dune. Does that give me the most captains?"
"I wouldn't know," noted Sean Astin. "I only did Wil Wheaton in Toy Soldiers."
"Wesley Crusher!" Elijah exclaimed. "You'll never live that down!"
Did Him 22: Brideshead Revisited
"You know who was fantastic?" Ian was waxing nostalgic. "Anthony Andrews. I did him in The Scarlet Pimpernel. He was the Pimpernel; I was the competition. What chance did I have?"
"I did him in Ivanhoe!" John interjected. "He was Wilfred of Ivanhoe. Who could forget?"
"I did him in The Law Lord," recalled Bernard. "But you know who I wish that I'd done? Jeremy Irons."
"I did him!" Ian Holm burst in. "In Kafka. Though it felt more like The Real Thing."
"I worked with Jeremy," sighed Liv. "I was playing a virgin in Stealing Beauty. And he did."
Did Him 23: Encino Man
"If you could be in any other movie franchise, which would it be?" Billy wondered.
"The Mummy," said Sean Astin. "I'd love to do Brendan Fraser again."
"Me too!" exclaimed Viggo. "I dream of reliving The Passion of Darkly Noon."
"We were in Gods and Monsters together," Ian recalled. "He was a god and I was a monster."
"Those were Glory Daze," said John fondly. "We were in Sinbad: Beyond the Veil of Mists together too."
"I wouldn't mind being in The Mummy," agreed Christopher Lee. "I've been a mummy before. But you know what? I'd rather do The Rock."
Did Her 24: Ripley, Believe It Or Not
"What's the scariest movie you ever saw?" asked Cate.
"Alien," said Ian Holm. "I was in it and it still scared me to death. That thing bursting out of people's chests! But I got to do Sigourney Weaver, which made it all worthwhile."
"Sigourney Weaver!" groaned Elijah. "Ever since I saw Tadpole, all I can think is that I could have done her during The Ice Storm. Why didn't I?"
"I did her," Brad Dourif put in. "During Alien Resurrection. But it wasn't that scary. Once you've done Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, nothing scares you."
Did Him 25: Queer As Folk
"Besides Indiana Jones..." Sean kissed Viggo on the chin as he spoke. "...and Arthur Stuart…" His lips brushed Viggo's nipple. "...and Mr. Fatal Attraction..." Viggo squirmed as Sean thrust his tongue into his navel. "...and the Fellowship...anyone else we have in common?"
"Umm..." It was hard for Viggo to think with Sean's mouth continuing its journey downward. "Craig Kelly?"
"My brother from When Saturday Comes?" Sean sighed. "You did him?"
"During Young Americans. Terence Rigby too."
"You beat me to everyone," murmured Sean. Viggo groaned as his tongue reached its goal. "Good thing I've got you now."
"Good," agreed Viggo.