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All you have

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I watch the waves hit the side of the ship with a strange detachment, like I don’t belong here, but I’m also not sure I belong in England either.

“Ed.” I choose not to turn at my lover’s quiet voice, instead waiting for him to come up behind me and wrap his arms round my waist. His beard tickles as he kisses up my neck, “What’s wrong, Love?” I don’t answer, instead leaning further back into his embrace. Fingers link with mine and his breath ruffles my hair as he sighs. “Edmund, please?”

I turn slowly in Caspian’s arm to face him, smiling as I find his chocolate eyes gazing far out to sea. After a moment he focuses on me and raises our joined hands to brush across my cheek then leans down to kiss me softly, my eyes flicker closed as his free hand comes up to rest on the back of my neck, running a hand through my dark hair.

“I love you.” I smile against his lips and return the whispered sentiment as his hands fall to my hips, gently tugging me towards our bunk. When his legs hit the wood, he pulls me so I’m sitting in his lap, straddling his hips. “Well hello there.” My arms slide round his neck as he rubs our noses together then kisses me again.

Pulling back slightly, his hands slide under my shirt while his lips leave mine to trace my neck and nip lightly at my collarbone, undoing the buttons slowly; fingers exploring every bit of newly uncovered skin as it appears. I run my hands through his hair, freeing it from its ponytail as my breath hitches. “Cas…”

“You should wear my clothes more often.” He kisses my neck before sliding the shirt off my shoulders. “Then again I could definitely get used to taking them off you too.” His hands then run along my thighs, guiding them round his hips, pulling our bodies closer together, moaning quietly at the contact.

Slightly chapped lips return to mine for a hungry kiss Caspian’s arms wrap round my waist again as our lips part, tongues meeting messily. “God, Caspian, please…”

He pulls back and leans over to kiss my nose, neatly avoiding my lips when I chase after his. “Ed, tell me what’s wrong?” I shake my head, pouting; I don’t want to talk about it, that’ll make it more real somehow.

He sighs again and leans forward, resting his forehead on my shoulder, peppering it with soft kisses as his thumbs stroke small circles on my hips. His lips move up my neck, pausing briefly at my ear before kissing across my cheek to the corner of my lips. “Later then.” I hum in response, which he seems to take as positive as he finally kisses me properly, and suddenly he twists round, resulting in me on my back, Cas leaning over me on his elbow.

I reach down blindly to catch hold of the hem of his purple shirt to try to drag it over his head, after a couple of moments of me struggling; he leans back onto my hips, laughing softly, to remove it himself. He pauses for a second to stare hungrily down at me, hair everywhere, looking thoroughly debauched, before leaning down to reconnect our lips, the hand he’s not leaning on running down my chest as mine return to his hair and my free arm loops round his waist.

After a couple of minutes of wandering hands and fierce kissing, Cas slides back to bite down my neck again, adding to the (already impressive) collection of hickeys I’ve gained over the past few days. Suddenly, he rolls to the side, flipping us over so I’m lying on top of him, connected head to toe. We’re now pressed against the cabin wall but neither of us cares enough to move.

We catch our breath for a second before he leans up to capture my lips again, fingers sliding down to the small of my back before sliding under the waistband of my borrowed trousers, lightly squeezing, making me moan into his mouth.

There’s a sharp bang as the cabin door’s ripped open hard enough for it to smash against the wall, “I demand that…” Eustace trails off and stares as us in shock, we pull apart but Cas doesn’t remove his hands.

“Have you ever heard of knocking?”

“But…you…men…” As Eustace stands in the doorway sputtering at us, Lucy sticks her head round and just rolls her eyes. She grabs our cousin and drags him out, quickly shutting the door behind them. I roll off Cas onto my back, dislodging his groping hands, to stare up at the ceiling. Eustace, as ever, having spoiled the mood.

We lie next to each other in silence for a few moments before Cas shifts onto his side, reaching over with one hand to stroke my hip. “Do you want to talk?”

I close my eyes, forcing my breathing to even out. “I just don’t know what to say.” He leans over to kiss my shoulder and guides my arm under his neck, so he’s kind of using it as a pillow. “This is never going to last is it?” There are far too many issues, most of all Caspian has to have heirs, and the simple fact that I can’t stay with him. I roll on to my side to face him and he wraps me in his arms, letting me bury my face in his chest as I realise that I’m crying.

“I love you Ed, and we’re both here right now.” Cas tugs the back of my hair so I’m looking up at him through my tears. He’s right, but I can see he’s not much happier about this then me.

“I love you too.” He brushes the moisture off my cheek and leans in to kiss me again, but this time it’s gentler. My eyes slide closed again as I relax into him, tears slowly stopping.

I love him and he loves me, sometimes that’s all you have.