A thing revered as sacred and yet so shallow- That is what Light Yagami thought of love. Of course he associated himself with the pretty girls at college and made sure to be seen as a 'ladies man' since it was vital for the image he was trying to maintain. But love? He considered it a ridiculous notion, a fairytale weak people deluded themselves into believing because they didn't have the strength to accept one is born alone and one will die alone too.
So therefore Light Yagami knew he would never fall in love (for how could he when Love wasn't real?) He thought such a deluded idea was beneath him. He was content to fake his smiles and move from one girl to the next once a suitable amount of time had passed.
Then Misa Amane exploded into his life. Of course he did not love her like she professed to love him. She was yet another girl to use with the exception she was actually somewhat useful . Her eyes and her blind devotion were assets Kira needed. Her heart and her whimpers and neediness were byproducts to be tolerated until she proved no longer useful.
And then he'd met him and everything changed.
The Detective L was like an enigma. Each time he thought he'd made a breakthrough in the puzzle a new riddle would emerge and a new game would begin. Cat and Mouse, they stalked one another, neither willing to give so much as an inch. Kira and L were evenly matched in intelligence, drive and conviction. Two sides of the same coin. Verbal sparring evolved into physical fighting and that too evolved into something else. Tongues in each others mouths, aggressive kisses and desperate, thrashing bodies…
Ryuzaki was the most complex equation Light had ever come across. He exuded sensuality yet disgusted people at the same time. He acted infantile and childish yet his eyes were unfathomable pools of wisdom. Light liked those dark eyes. He dreamt about closing them forever and reeled as the churning, conflicting feelings of triumph and despair choked him.
Light Yagami eventually conceded to the fact that he had been wrong, Love did exist and he was capable of it. But Love was dark and twisted, needy and grasping. Love did not empower people it made them weak. His love was not the fairytale kind portrayed in those sappy dramas his sister so adored. No, his love was dark, raw and desperate. He loved someone who he would kill and he knew the love would continue to fester inside him like a virus long after L was gone.
Once Light had admitted it was some sort of love he felt for L, it made killing him that much more difficult. Light found himself thinking he would miss their chess matches. He would miss the thrill of the chase. He would miss that sharp tongue and that clever mind.
And he would miss those deep, dark eyes.
Despite all that, when the time came he grinned down at L as he died in his arms. He strangled the sorrow that tried to claw up his throat and swallowed down the words 'I'm sorry. I love you, L' as L stared up at him, dark eyes unfathomable even in these last seconds. Light got to see the thing he had both dreaded and coverted- L's eyes closing for the last time…
Light often thought about L.
He made love with Misa but felt nothing. He had to picture dark eyes just to be able to finish. He toyed with Takada in the same way, using her body but fucking a ghost.
'I wonder if there is such a thing as an afterlife. If there is, will you be waiting for me? Did you love me too?' Light wondered. He only permitted such musings in the dead of night where such vulnerability could be permitted. He always thought about L as he stood on his balcony and looked at the stars. He cried sometimes, silent tears falling as he scoffed at the ridiculous longing he had for the man who had been his rival.
He'd won but deep down he knew he had lost too. Without L life was suddenly monochrome once again. There was no challenge, no flare of conflict and aggression… no dark eyes.
With the dawn came his transition back to being Kira. Kira did not mourn L or love him. Kira rejoiced each time he was addressed as L, the title he had usurped from its original owner. Kira was hiding in plain sight and how he laughed at that idiotic Task Force.
Every year on the anniversary of L's death they held a memorial for him. Kira relished the occasion and his play-acting as he paid homage to the World's Greatest Detective. Light would indulge in silent tears late at night, the moon on November 5th always bearing witness to his despair.
Years flashed by and before Light knew it he was standing on the edge of glory. The final precipice before Godhod was before him. Kira had been accepted by followers all over the world. He had his aids, three of them now, to exploit and use to further his campaign of divine justice. He didn't even cry so much for L anymore. His image would never go away (nor that dull ache thoughts of 'L Lawliet' caused in his heart) but his features were becoming blurred.
He had pale skin and dark, messy hair. He ate too many sweets. How had he 'sat' again? Light wasn't quite sure. He couldn't remember what the man had felt like anymore. Dim memories of heat and dark eyes were all he had left. The passage of time eroded L's features from his memory like waves wearing down the edge of a cliff.
Light would curse himself for thinking about him and throw himself into his plans for his New World.
Then, like L, there came another to challenge him.
Light felt more alive in years as he and 'N' danced around each other. Each word they spoke to one another stirred long forgotten memories. It was like L had returned to him.
N accused him of being Kira and Light felt a pang of longing. ' Yes, I am Kira and you can't prove it. You can't beat me. You're L's heir but you are nothing compared to him!'
The SPK and TaskForce were pieces on a board and Light played the game with nearly as much precision as he had when L had been his opponent. With the utmost confidence Light agreed to meet with Near that fateful day at the Yellow Box warehouse, secure in the knowledge that soon another rival would lie dead at his feet.
But he was doomed to fail. Nate River succeeded in proving he was Kira and now he lay bleeding out on a warehouse floor the horror and shame at having lost to such a cheap-imitation of L far more painful than the bullets embedded in him.
Light knew Ryuk would write his name down. He knew his life was measured in just minutes now. He felt afraid. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to have to look into those dark eyes again.
The best he could hope for was oblivion. What a comedown for one who had such grand plans. The image of his perfect world erupted into flames and Light grit his teeth as tears welled in his eyes.
He didn't want to die. He didn't want to lose.
Light's eyes, which had been drifting closed, snapped upon at the sound of his voice.
"You're not real! You're dead!" Light manage to rasp out. Hazy but distinct enough for him to recognize, the form of L Lawliet stepped out from the shadows. A ray of sunlight falling in through a gap in the corrugated iron roof illuminated him like an angel. Light knew he was anything but.
"You're dead too, Light. You died the moment I did. Was it worth it in the end?" That was L's voice, unmistakable, deep and low. It was just as Light remembered it but he couldn't recall a time he'd ever seen L look so honest and broken. The mask of indifference L had always worn was torn away. Tears were swimming in those huge dark eyes. Light felt his heart clench and even he didn't know if it was due to the onset of the heart attack or the look on L's face.
"No it wasn't! Nothing was worth it after you died" Light choked out in a blaze of honesty. He was seconds from death, what did his masks and lies matter now? "You're real. The afterlife exists" speaking was difficult now but he had to try. There was so much he wanted to say tp L. Pain flared down his left arm and Light let out a soft gasp. The pain was blinding in its intensity. 'You bastard! Ryuk, I hope you end up the same way as Rem!'
"It exists but not for you " L said almost gently. His eyes were huge pools of sorrow and pity as he gazed down upon the dying god. "Those who write in the Death Note can neither go to Heaven or Hell. When you die your soul will be destroyed and I shall never see you again"
"No!" Light's scream echoed through the empty warehouse. It was so broken and heart-wrenching it made L flinch.
"This is goodbye, Light. For what it's worth, I did love you. I will always love you. I suppose that is a sort of immortality and the only thing I can give you now" L approached and knelt by his side.
Light sobbed as the pain flared through him. 'My heart! My heart! I'm dying! Help me, L!' He thought desperately. "It hurts!" Light rasped with the last of his breath. L's hand was cool and gentle on his face.
"I know. Close your eyes now, Light."
Up until the last moment Light resisted. He kept his eyes wide upon, his unfocused gaze drinking in those dark eyes for the last time.
And then with a final weak throb of his heart there was nothing but darkness. Light's hand (which had been reaching for L's face) flopped to the floor, nerveless fingers outstretched for something he could never reach. His love.
L stayed by his side in a silent vigil until Near and his team arrived to collect the body.
As they zipped Light up in a body bag L was reminded of a poem he had once read as a small boy. The words would haunt him forever along with the image of such bone-weary resignation in Light's dying eyes…
I wanted love and love found me
But how I wish it had not
Like a weed it strangled me
Until happiness I forgot
My lovers eyes, they haunt me
I wish I could forget
The sight of my love dying
And this bittersweet regret...