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Hurt

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I hurt myself today

 

Mark watched the blood run down his arms and smiled weakly. It was not his typical smile of joy, for he had none of that left. Cristina was marrying Diego and Kieran was far away in Faerie. 

 

To see if I still feel

 

He dug the blade in a little deeper, but did not hiss in pain. He was a Shadowhunter. He should feel no pain. Tears began to fall down like raindrops from the heavens, smearing the blood further.

 

I focus on the pain

 

The blonde was slightly aware that he had lost too much blood, but the world was spinning and no one was there to care, least of all his ex-lovers.

 

The only thing that's real

 

Pain had become his new normal. It was the high he craved and the comfort he chased. It kept him alive. Nothing else made him feel half as exhilarated anymore.

 

 

The needle tears a hole

 

Rather than using an iratze, Mark sewed up his deeper wounds slowly, but without care. No one saw his body anymore. He didn't have to be beautiful when he knew he'd die alone.

 

The old familiar sting

 

He thought perhaps if he were thinner again he'd be appealing to Kieran. Maybe if Kieran came back to him, Cristina would too.

 

Try to kill it all away

 

Some days he tried desperately to forget them. He thought of how easy life would be if he did not remember what it felt like to lose a lover.

 

But I remember everything

 

Every kiss. Every caress. Every embrace. It burned in his mind and weighed on his heart.

 

What have I become

 

In lieu of burning and cutting, Mark stopped eating. It was cleaner, easier to hide, and he could become thinner and worthier faster.

 

My sweetest friend

 

He prayed to Kieran and Cristina, still his angels even though they'd gone away. He had faith. They'd be back.

 

Everyone I know

 

He knew so many people that he couldn't remember them all. Some loved him. Some hated him. Regardless, he always treated them kindly. His siblings needed no more stress.

 

Goes away in the end

 

He had few friends, no parents, and no partners. For all intents and purposes, he was alone in the world. His chest ached and his vision grew blurry. From tears, nausea, or exhaustion he could not say. Everything hurt all the time.

 

And you could have it all

 

He began to shiver all the time and layer clothing. He did it subtly. Two thin t-shirts at once. Leggings under jeans. Then a hoodie overtop. Nothing was ever enough.

 

My empire of dirt

 

Fine hair started to cover his body. He was still cold. No amount of warmth was ever enough. It got significantly worse when the hair on his head began to fall out.

 

I will let you down

 

He knew it was sick to deprive himself food, but who was around to care? Cristina was making wedding plans. Kieran was back with the hunt. They lead different lives now. Did it matter if his was ending?

 

I will make you hurt

 

He felt weak constantly. Sometimes his knees or legs would give out and he would collapse and pray no one else was around. He blamed muscle spasms and distractions. His poor, sweet siblings never thought he could be telling half truths.

 

I wear this crown of thorns

 

He thought of Kieran and Cristina constantly. They kept him motivated to keep starving. He strove for perfection so they'd come back for him.

 

Upon my liar's chair

 

I'm fine. I ate already. I'm eating with friends. I'm not hungry. Lies, lies, lies. He began an excellent liar. He liked the burn that accompanied the lies.

 

Full of broken thoughts

 

He wished he was a mundane. He wished he could seek help. He wished he wasn't broken enough to need so much help or so many wishes.

 

I cannot repair

 

The dark thoughts never faded. His bones were brittle and so were the very foundations of the man called Mark Blackthorn from the inside out.

 

Beneath the stains of time

 

Time marched on. Julian had Emma. Ty had Kit. The others had friends. Mark was alone. The Hunters had long since left him be.

 

The feelings disappear

 

Love and despair fueled the fire of rage and self destruction. He didn't need anyone who didn't want him…..he couldn't. After all, they were not the type to come crawling back.

 

You are someone else

 

His Cristina would've never married Diego. His Kieran would've never rejoined the hunt. They'd changed too much.

 

I am still right here

 

So had he, but in the wrong ways. In the type of ways that we're killing him. He was definitely dying.

 

What have I become

 

It had been a long while since he had brought a blade to his skin, but the most recent cuts were still open. His body could no longer heal. It couldn't hold runes.

 

My sweetest friend

 

Starving hadn't made him thin and pretty. It'd made him weak. It made him look and feel like death. It made him smell of rot.

 

Everyone I know

 

His resistance to getting help shoved everyone away. They had the younger children to protect. They had duties in the Institute. If he was unwilling to seek help, then they could not help him. 

 

Goes away in the end

 

He had no one. He'd stopped answering Cristina's fire-calls. If she was not his, then he had no reason to. He'd stopped opening Kieran's letters. If he was not his, then he had no reason to.

 

And you could have it all

 

He'd done everything to have his lovers back. To be pretty. To be aesthetic. To be thin. It had left him feeling hollow physically and mentally. He was worn down.

 

My empire of dirt

 

Mark had nothing left. He cared for no one and nothing. His bones ached. His soul ached. He just wanted to lay down and give up.

 

I will let you down

 

The children were frightened of his new ghastly appearance. Diana wanted so badly to help. Julian and Emma's hearts were breaking for the older brother who had always supported them.

 

I will make you hurt

 

The day he began coughing up blood, he knew his days on Earth were growing numbered.

 

If I could start again

 

He prayed for his siblings, for Cristina, for Kieran, for Diana. Not for himself. No, never for himself. He wished them all new beginnings but a do-over was a kindness he knew he didn't deserve.

 

A million miles away

 

He could not run from who he was. He was too well known. He was too obvious. He was one of the half-fae Blackthorns and he didn't know how Helen did it. He wasn't strong enough.

 

I will keep myself

 

His hair was gone, his skin was gray, and his body was always cold. 

 

I would find a way

 

Mark Blackthorn no longer wanted Kieran and Cristina Mendoza Rosales back. He just wanted himself.

 

It was too late.