The thing about sex was…
Or, well, the thing about Atsushi and sex was that it wasn’t for him.
As tinted by religion as the education at the orphanage has been, at least they hadn’t shied away from telling the children all about pregnancies and STDs, though as always, abstinence was key (something that had made Yosano boil when he had mentioned it. At least after that she only found it necessary to drag him into her office for a talk about Safer Sex. That had been embarrassing enough all on it’s own.) So the mechanics weren’t something he struggled to comprehend. It was more about the… company. Or the lack thereof.
See, sex wasn’t something you could do on your own, but it wasn’t like anyone wanted to get close to Atsushi. He knew how it was supposed to work and that it felt good enough that people would risk getting caught over it. It was just…
The moment Atsushi had wondered what it would be like, he realized that no one would ever want him like that. So it was easier to just… ignore it. Shove the thoughts down. Refuse to touch himself if he happened to get hard and not let his eyes linger for too long.
Sex became just another thing for other people to experience.
Then he met Dazai.
Dazai was handsome. Lithe. Quick on his feet, quicker with his mind. Even if his flirtations ended in requests for a double suicide, he had this boyish charm about him, one that matched his graceful movements, that made it impossible not to pay attention. And sometimes that charm turned a little darker, a little more rakish and Atsushi caught himself thinking oh. So that’s why they had risked getting caught.
It seemed that Atushi noticed everything about him— the way Dazai pushed his shoulders straight when he got serious; How he didn’t just walk with his legs but with his whole body, smooth as a wave rolling in; How sunsets made his brown eyes shine amber.
More often that not found Atsushi swallowing with a dry throat, struggling to shove the butterflies down. Dazai was a beautiful man and Atsushi… well, Atsushi wasn’t a woman.
“Mh?” Atsushi looked up, momentarily blinded by the sun reflecting of Dazai’s pendant. “What is it, Dazai-san?”
Dazai squatted down, leaning his arms on the table and pillowing his chin in them. “Did you have any particular plans for tonight? There’s a nice little restaurant that I wanted to try out and I figured if they give us food poisoning, at least you’ll be fine.”
Atsushi gave him his best disappointed look for the suicide method of the day (he’d been practicing it for times like this after all) before he thought about it. Tanizaki and Naomi had promised to take Kenji to a public viewing since he was still new to movies and had offered to take Kyouka and him along. So Kyouka wouldn’t be alone at home and Atsushi could always go another time… “Sure”, he answered. “Have you already finished for today?”
Dazai waved him off. “Atsushi-kun, by now you should know the answer.”
“So you didn’t.”
“How could you accuse me like this, Atsushi-kun?! I am the most honest of men!”
“I’m not leaving here of there is a chance of Kunikida-san dragging you out in the middle of dinner.”
With a lot of grumbling, Dazai straightened up and returned to his seat, all the while sending Atsushi hurt looks. For a second, Atsushi was tempted to make the same kissy face at him that Dazai always made at Kunikida after customary ‘get back to work’ scolding. Then his brain caught up with the sheer audacity of the thought and Atsushi spent the next thirty minutes trying to fight down his blush with no success.
Lost in his mortification as he was, Atsushi startled at the hand touching his shoulder. Dazai looked down at him with barely contained amusement. “I’m done. And I’m sure”, he glanced at the monitor, “That that spreadsheet can wait until monday.”
“Yeah.” Atsushi’s voice came out as an embarrassing croak. “Just let me—”
“I’ll wait at the door for you.” Dazai sauntered off, grabbing his coat as he passed by and Atsushi couldn’t help but let his gaze trail down from his shoulders along the lines of his waist coat, where it cinched in at his slim waist and came to rest just above his—
Atsushi saved his progress before turning off the computer, all the while taking slow careful breaths. He had eaten with Dazai plenty of times before. Nothing to get worked up about. It would be just like any other time.
Dazai had already put on his coat and was talking to Kenji by the door. Atsushi ended up reaching them at the same time as Tanizaki. “Ah, there you are!”, Kenji said. “Naomi-san and Kyouka-chan are already waiting downstairs.”
“Ah, about that…” Atsushi rubbed at his neck. Before he could continue, Dazai put a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m borrowing Atsushi-kun for the evening. I hope you don’t mind, Kenji-kun.”
Kenji blinked. “Is there a mission?”
“No, no, nothing dangerous.”
“Ah, it’s fine then. I’ll tell Atsushi-kun all about it on monday!”
Atsushi smiled. “Thank you, Kenji-kun. I look forward to it.”
They left the office together, Kenji chattering on excitedly while Atsushi listened. Downstairs, Naomi noticed them first. “Finally. Let’s go!”
Atsushi explained the situation to which Naomi only shrugged as she clung onto Tanizaki’s arm, beginning to tug him along. Kenji waved goodbye before following. Atsushi turned to Kyouka. “You don’t mind, Kyouka-chan?”
Kyouka’s gaze flitted between him and Dazai before she shook her head. “It’s fine.”
Still, Atsushi couldn’t help but reach to pat her head. “I’ll take you next time. We’ll get some crepes, too.” Kyouka nodded with a spark in her eye and Atsushi felt a lot better about watching her catch up with the others.
Dazai hummed. “Let’s go, Atsushi-kun.” He lead Atsushi across the city towards the river. The sun began to set, making the water look golden and sparkling, mirroring the sky. There was no way Atsushi could ever grow tired of the sight.
“Here we are”, Dazai said when they reached a building that was almost all glass windows. Atsushi remembered seeing it in the newspaper that week. He blinked.
“Dazai-san, are you sure—”
Dazai laid a hand on his back, pushing gently. “Come on, no dawdling.”
Before Atsushi could protest, the were already inside and being seated. Too dazzled by the fancy decor and beautiful atmosphere the sunset created, he didn’t protest but accepted the menu the waitress handed him with a small ‘thanks.’ She was pretty, her polite smile showing off dimples.
Dazai smiled charmingly as he accepted his own menu, making her blush. He didn’t utter a word, not even when she walked away.
Atsushi squinted. “Are you trying to butter me up?”
Pausing in opening the menu, Dazai blinked back at him. “What would make you think that?”
“You finished your work”, Atsushi counted off (although realistically, Dazai could have just pretended to,) “This is quite fancy for a ‘little restaurant.’ And you aren’t going off about a double suicide.”
Dazai chuckled. “Am I not allowed to focus on my favorite subordinate?”
“Not when the subordinate has to save you from Kunikida-san.”
“Ah, I’m hurt. Atsushi-kun has so little faith in me…”
Shaking his head, Atsushi looked back at the menu. If Dazai wanted to be irritating, then so be it. Atsushi’s stomach growled as if to agree that there was something more important to focus on.
After they ordered (still with no mention of suicides), Dazai asked about Atsushi's day. Part of Atsushi wanted to argue that Dazai already knew but he found himself answering anyway, allowing the conversation to flow this way and that. Halfway through dinner, he went off on a tangent because Dazai mentioned books and Atsushi had finally managed to find the one he had been searching for for weeks and had Dazai ever reread a book only to find that it wasn’t as interesting as he remembered?
Much to Atsushi's embarrassment, Dazai exploited his distraction to order some cake to share. Dazai didn't listen to Atsushi insisting that it was unnecessary, only held out a fork. "Humor me", he said with that charming little half-smile. And because that was what Atsushi had been doing the entire evening, he accepted.
They spent the walk home in companionable silence. Atsushi let his gaze wander over the lights of the city, the passing headlights, the way they all glinted off of Dazai's dark hair. When they reached the dorms, Dazai turned to smile at Atsushi.
“Come in with me for a minute, Atsushi-kun.”
Atsushi’s heart stuttered in his chest and he nodded, dumbfounded. Dazai unlocked his door, waiting for Atsushi to step through first. The door clicking shut left them in darkness. Atsushi felt around for the light switch, except there was Dazai, taking hold of his shoulders and pressing him against the wall. “Dazai-san?!”, Atsushi squeaked.
“Atsushi-kun.” Dazai was close enough that Atsushi could feel his breathing. His hands slipped down to rest on Atsushi’s waist. A lingering kiss was pressed against his cheek, making him shudder. “Let me take you to bed.” Dazai murmured the words into his skin, pressing even closer.
Atsushi's mind blanked. His heart stuttered before picking up the pace, sending blood rushing in his ears. The only answer Atsushi managed was a tiny nod and a whimper when Dazai moved. Lips found his in the dark, warm and firm as Dazai pulled him away from the wall. Atsushi didn’t know how he managed it, but Dazai lead him through the dark apartment, lips never leaving his, swallowing all of Atsushi’s embarrassing noises, until Atsushi stumbled over the futon, bringing Dazai down with him.
Dazai chuckled, shifting so he didn’t crush Atsushi. It left him hot and still a little heavy on top of him, eyes glinting in the light of the streetlamps falling in through the window. He leaned down for another kiss full of single minded focus, every swipe of his tongue making Atsushi’s head spin a little more. Their knees knocked together as Dazai shifted, getting one of his thighs between Atsushi’s, aligning their hips. The moan that was torn from Atsushi’s lips when he rocked them together was downright obscene.
Hearing it tore Atsushi back into reality. “Wait”, he gasped. Even without the tiger strength, his shove was enough to almost throw Dazai off the futon. It was more than enough to give him the space to roll to face the wall.
“Atsushi-kun?” Dazai sounded breathless. The knowledge that he was the cause for it hit Atsushi like a suckerpunch, yet it wasn’t enough to dislodge the ball of nerves in his chest. “I— I don’t—” It was hot. Atsushi was covered in sweat, hyper aware of where it gathered in the dip of his spine, behind his knees. Energy filled him to the brim, making him feel like a live wire. Dread made it hard to breathe.
He was being silly again, getting nervous over nothing. And now that the spell was broken, Dazai would realize that this was a mistake and kick out Atsushi out. Atsushi was going to die from shame when he arrived at work on monday and if he didn’t, well then it would be better to leave Yokohama altogether, because—
Fingertips at his neck. “What’s wrong, Atsushi-kun?” They rubbed tiny little circles into his skin, the motion strangely grounding.
Atsushi took a deep stuttering breath. “I don’t really know what to do”, he confessed. “And I can’t— well… It’s just— I don’t know. It feels— weird.”
Dazai hummed, never ceasing his gentle ministrations. “Bad weird?”, he asked. “Or ‘never done this before’ weird?”
Atsushi swallowed. “The later.”
Dazai hummed again. His fingers left Atsushi’s neck as he slid closer. “We can stop if you like”, he said, still so gently. “Or we can figure something out that you’re more comfortable with.”
Dazai’s hands snaked around his waist. Even through cloth they were burning. “From the top of my head? Give me a minute and I could blindfold you— heightens the other senses, you see, but it could also help you focus on what’s happening now instead of getting lost in that pretty little head of yours.” His thumbs brushed dangerously close to Atsushi’s nipples. “I could let you tie me up. Let you control the pace. Just imagine, me all strung up, completely at your mercy…” The shudder that went through Atsushi at that nearly dislodged Dazai, but he only chuckled, pressing his lips to Atsushi’s neck for a split-second. “But for now, I think, we can stay just like this.”
Atsushi swallowed. Licked his lips. “Yeah?” His head was spinning. Breathing was still hard. Only Dazai’s hands on him kept him from floating away.
“Yeah.” Dazai slid even closer, pressing up against Atsushi’s back as one of his hands trailed lower. “We don’t even have to take your clothes off”, he murmured right against Atsushi’s ear, voice low and satisfied, even though they weren’t doing anything. He hummed at the gasp that followed his hand firmly cupping Atsushi through his pants. “Bit of a mess to clean up, but I don't mind. I like the thought, actually— leaving you a mess without even touching your skin.”
Another gasp fell from Atsushi’s lips and he rocked into the touch— chafing and catching against the wet spot in his underwear but oh so good. “Yes”, he begged. “That, please.”
Dazai hummed again, nosing along Atsushi’s neck before he followed the trail with his lips. The hand on Atsushi’s cock squeezed in time with his rocking, setting a rhythm that punched the air right out of his lungs. It was good enough to die for.
“Just like that.” The breathless words had Atsushi moaning. “You’re doing so good, Atsushi.” A particular hard squeeze against the tip of his cock made Atsushi full-body jerk and shove his hips back and oh, oh, that was Dazai’s cock, hard against his thigh.
With sudden desperation, Atsushi clawed at Dazai’s hip, bringing him closer until he rocked back against him, Dazai’s cock nestled just so in the cleft of his ass. The moan that fell from Dazai’s mouth made Atsushi burn. “Atsushi”, Dazai gasped right into his skin. The hand not occupied with Atsushi’s cock reached for one of Atsushi’s nipples, tweaking it through the fabric before rubbing circles over it. It was too much.
“Off”, Atsushi growled. “I want them off— yours, too.” After two tries, Atsushi managed to get his pants open, shoving them to his knees before reaching to do the same with Dazai’s. A moan right by his ear was his reward for bringing them skin-to-skin, one hand clamping down on his hips hard enough to bruise. Dazai’s cock felt like a brand as it slid between his cheeks, precum easing the way. Atsushi threw his head back with abandon, blindly reaching for Dazai’s hand, guiding it to where he ached to be touched. Dazai’s grip was firm, calluses catching against Atsushi’s skin. A high keening noise joined Dazai’s low grunts and at any other time, Atsushi would have been embarrassed, but right now he couldn’t care less, all that mattered was the way they rocked together, Dazai’s grip on Atsushi’s cock and how he kept kissing and biting on Atsushi’s neck. Heat simmered in his belly, so good and almost too much when Dazai twisted his hands just so and growled: “Come on, Atsushi.”
The heat boiled over and the world went white.
When Atsushi opened his eyes again, he had no clue how much time had passed. His pants were all the way off and there was no dried residue on his skin, meaning that Dazai had gotten something to clean him off before curling up behind Atsushi again. Speaking off…
“Back in the land of the waking?”, Dazai rumbled. He rubbed his cheek against Atsushi’s shoulder like an affectionate cat.
Atsushi couldn’t help how he tensed up. “Yeah”, he answered. His voice was a wreck, all hoarse and cracking in his dry mouth.
Dazai stopped. “You’re regretting this, aren’t you?”
“No!”, Atsushi yelled, but then he shut his mouth with a click. Trying to roll away would make him seem like a liar. Trying to hide his face in the pillow would press him closer to Dazai. Atsushi chose option two.
A hand was holding onto his waist, as deadly still as Dazai had gone and Atsushi snaked a hand upwards to hold onto it. “I’m embarrassed”, he admitted quietly, hoping it could be heard through the pillow.
Dazai snorted. “Again? Or are you still? Because you got really into it.” The only reply Atsushi could form was a pitiful whine. A mouth pressed to his neck, little puffs of air betraying Dazai’s silent laughter. He let himself roll on top of Atsushi, all loose limbs and warmth. “I guess I should be flattered. You liked it so much, you forgot your embarrassment, after all.”
Atsushi burrowed even deeper into the pillow. Swatting a hand back at Dazai proved ineffective. “Stop mocking me!”
“I’m not mocking you! At least, not deliberately.” The next kiss pressed against Atsushi’s shoulder felt different— open-mouthed. Hot. It sent a jolt down his spine. Dazai swung a leg over Atsushi’s thighs, caging them in and oh. “Tell me, Atsushi-kun, what is it about this position that you like?” He rolled his hips, slow but hard, shoving Atsushi’s own down against the mattress. Atsushi felt himself harden, hissing at the friction. "Even when you shoved down our pants, you didn't turn round. Why?" Dazai caught him by the hands, holding them down, heedless of Atsushi’s struggle to find purchase. The pillow was dislodged from his face.
“Answer me, Atsushi-kun.” Dazai rolled his hips again and Atsushi gasped.
“To hide? Just because you’re a little embarrassed?” Dazai was back to leaving kisses across Atsushi’s skin and Atsushi really didn’t know how he expected an answer when all he did served to fry Atsushi’s brain.
He stopped and faster than Atsushi could comprehend, he was flipped onto his back. Dazai hovered above him, lips swollen and red and breathing heavily but his eyes were serious. “Or is there another reason?”
Atsushi tried to turn his head but Dazai caught him by the chin. The flames he had fanned were quickly turning into mortification. For a lack of something better, Atsushi focused on Dazai’s earlobe, normally hidden by his hair. “I’m not a woman”, he mumbled. Dazai’s hand was cool against his flushed face and he wanted nothing more that to break away. Atsushi gripped the sheets in both hands. “I’m not pretty, either.”
Dazai hummed, only looking at Atsushi for a long moment. Then he leaned down. The kiss was slow and deep, Dazai running his tongue across Atsushi’s bottom lip before slipping in, swallowing the helpless noises that escaped. Atsushi was left feeling light headed when he pulled away. “You’re right, you aren’t pretty— you are beautiful.” Dazai pulled at Atsushi’s traitorous hand that had slipped to his waist, kissing his palm, scraping teeth against his knuckles.
Atsushi whimpered. “But you said—“
“I know what I said.” With his mouth hidden behind Atsushi’s hand, Dazai looked at him. It was hard to gauge the expression but… Atsushi’s breath stuttered in his chest and it took conscious effort to keep his legs from spreading further apart.
“I was trying to keep you away.”
Something inside Atsushi unclenched. He relaxed into the sheets. It was too good an opportunity so he pulled his hand from Dazai’s grip to cup his face, running his thumb across that full lower lip. “So—”
“I like women”, Dazai interrupted. “But I also like men.” He leaned closer until all Atsushi could see were his dark eyes.
“And I like Atsushi-kun the most.”
The thing about Atsushi and sex was that for the longest time Atsushi had thought it wasn’t for him. He had ignored it like everything else he couldn’t have.
But he was in a different place now, with people he shred a bond with and now it wasn’t only for others to experience, but for him, too.
And as obnoxious as Dazai could be and as much as he loved to embarrass Atsushi, he had given Atsushi so much— a roof over his head, a place to belong, flutters in his chest.
He had given him love.