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“Sup boring bitches.”

“Chara! Don’t be so mean.”

“Your problem, not mine.”

Frisk shook her head as the bantering duo settled in her bedroom to discuss a very important matter: boys. Or more specifically, one certain male skeleton and his multiverse alternates. Chara flung themselves onto Frisk’s bed with a groan, flipping off Fell as they did so. Frisk’s black-clad counterpart winked in return as she dropped cross-legged on the rug, “Sorry sweetie, I’m taken. But if you ask nicely, Red might share.”

“Pervert would want to watch. Not my kink, buttercup.”

“Play nice, you two,” Frisk interjected.

Chara laughed, “God, why am I surrounded by such goodie goodies? I’m gonna puke from all the sugar.”

“Says the one dating the living embodiment of a blueberry pie topped in whipped cream,” Fell cracked a smile as she turned her attention to Frisk. “Now, you mentioned man troubles on the phone?”

“Friskies Bits has a cruuuuush. Is it another of those boring politicians?”

“No! And George was very polite and engaging, thank you very much,” Frisk joined Fell on the floor, ignoring Chara’s eyeroll. “I just wasn’t his type.”

Chara made a crude gesture, “Heard you’re weren’t packing the right equipment.”

“Can we not talk about him?”

“But you’re turning all kinds of fun colors.”

Fell sighed and grabbed a stuffed animal from the bookshelf behind her, before rising and shoving it over Chara’s face in a mock attempt at smothering. For a diehard pacifist, Fell had her moments. Likely the influence of the aggressive monsters that she freed and was subsequently raised by. Or the fact that Red would be a nuisance if someone didn’t smack him with a newspaper and pull his choke chain when he started snarling at the neighbors.

Chara sputtered free after a moment and retaliated by licking Fell’s hand. “Ew! You weirdo.” Fell wiped said hand off on Chara’s sweater as they snickered. Never a dull moment with those two around.

“C’mon guys, chill. I need your help,” they had the decency to stop their antics at Frisk’s plea. Chara almost looked concerned. Rare.

“So if you’re not mooning over some pretty boy in a suit, who are you jonesin’ for a bonin’ from?”

“Chara!”

“Oh stuff it, Fell. Stop acting scandalized. We all know what you and Red are into. Unfortunately. If I could I’d bleach that memory from my brain forever, I would.”

“You were the one that opened the door when you knew what was going on,” Fell fluttered her eyelashes. “Voyeur.”

“Freak.”

“Oh yes~” She hooked a thumb under the red collar she wore beneath her clothes and gave it a tug.

“Bleach. So much bleach.”

“Guys!”

“Sorry Frisk!” Fell folded her hands on her lap, “So, um, are you going to tell us who you’re crushing on, or are we going to have to guess?”

Frisk curled her knees to her chest, arms wrapped about her legs, uncharacteristically hesitant, “Sans.” Chara and Fell blinked at her; the former huffed and rolled onto their back, while the latter shrugged.

“Kinda surprised you two aren’t together yet,” Fell said. “I think you and Ballet are the only Final Fallen Humans that aren't with their Sanses. Even Ace has this squish thing going on with Lust...”

“Tch. Ballet fucked up Dance’s head when they were Underground. The Resets changed his soulsong and he’s pissy about it.”

“There’s more to it than that…”

“Whatever. He’d sooner dust himself than bone Ballet. But Frisky here doesn’t have a Sans that hates her guts enough to carve them out with a dull spoon.”

“True,” Fell tapped her chin. “What is the problem, then? Ask him out. Him and Red are pretty similar if you discount the effects of LV.”

“Pfft, if they were that similar then Sans woulda dragged her barely legal ass into the the nearest closet when she turned eighteen,” Chara feigned gagging. “How did you not go crazy with that edgy asshole sniffin’ around you all those years? I would have shoved a knife into his pervy sockets.”

Fell’s smile was coy, “Only reason he was ‘sniffing around’ as you say was because I was dropping hints. Sixteen is a hard age when you know what you want, who you want and when, where and how hard you want it. Red was so patient. Wouldn’t do more than kiss me until my birthday and I was ready to scream if he didn’t drag me into that closet. Best. Birthday. Ever.” She waggled her brows, “But we’re here to talk about Sans, not Red. I still say being direct is the key. He may just think you’re playing around since you’re so flirty with everyone.”

“I’m not flirty with everyone!”

A pillow collided with Frisk’s head, “Not flirty?” Chara practically howled their laughter. “Who is the one who calls every Toriel ‘Hot Momma’? Who is the one that has had no less than three angry wives threaten bodily harm because they thought you were trying to steal their husbands? Blue once even asked me if you knew we were together because he thought you were hitting on him during last year’s gyftmas party. Not flirty with everyone, my ass.”

“Okay, point made. You have any wise words for how to go about asking Sans? Blue’s more like Pap but—”

“But he’s still a Sans. Hmph. Dunno how sharing an unholy love of condiments and stars makes them similar enough for the same pick up tricks to work. Just pun at Smiley or some shit. Get him laughing...snuggle up close...then lean in and whisper how you wanna suck his big, fat d—”

“Chara!” Frisk was the one to protest this time, Fell cackling as she rolled on the rug. “Honestly, if you don’t want to give answer a question just say so.”

“They just don’t like talking about how they and Blue started dating. It’s adorable.”

Frisk frowned, “Right...You never told us how that even happened. You keep dodging. It’s been over a year.”

They propped their chin on the back of one hand, brows slanted, cheeks looking a little darker than before, “It’s...not that exciting of a story. We were having a drink at Grillby’s, talking about work, when I got it in my head it would be funny to mess with him. Flirt a little. He kept laughing and talking about how we went on that playdate back Underground...I told him I wasn’t eight anymore. Asshole ruffled my hair like I was still a kid. So when we were leaving I shoved him against the outside wall and told him off for treating me like I wasn’t a goddamn adult....Instead of getting mad, the little idiot said he was sorry and asked what he could do to make up for ‘offending’ me. Told him to take me on a proper date and said if he played his cards right, we could have fun after.” Chara was definitely redder. “Didn’t expect him to call my bluff.”

“Ooooh, sex on the first date, didn’t know Blue had it in him,” Fell cooed.

Chara crossed their arms, “Don’t know if he does or not. Nothing happened. I think he thought it was a joke until I kissed him when he was getting ready to leave. His face was like watching a computer reboot. And when he was done processing, he muttered some nonsense about the dating handbook and ran off. Happy!”

“Very. That sounded just precious! Well, except for the mind games part.”

“...He likes puzzles…” Fell’s mouth twitched. “NOT A WORD, FREAK!”

She held her hands up, placating, casting a look over to Frisk, “Well we know one thing that Blue and Red have in common that might very well be a universal constant.” Fell winked, “He’s got a submissive streak. Maybe even a shame kink.”

“The fuck you on about?”

“Oh, don’t try to tell me that he doesn’t let you hold him down and mess him up.” Chara’s silence earned a toothy smirk, “That sweet, innocent face all scrunched up as he begs you to just let him—”

“Hold up! Don’t tell me Red let’s you do any of the pinning down. I’ve seen the bruises.”

“Awe, you were so concerned too, the first time you saw them~” Fell leaned back kissed Chara’s cheek, before attempting to hug them. Chara outright hissed like an outraged cat and shoved a giggling Fell away. She tugged at her collar again, “Have you never heard of Switches, sweetie? Red’s a sadomasochist as well. On a bad day, nothing gets him off better than being absolutely at my mercy~”

“As enlightening as discussing your love of bondage is—” Frisk began, only to be cut off again by Chara.

“Who says I give a shit if he gets off?” Of course nobody believed them. Not with how Blue doted on them with stars in his eyes, as if Chara was the brightest sun in the universe. Cold and harsh as they may be, there was something softer, kinder, in them reserved strictly for that happy-go-lucky skeleton. “What’s important is if he can get me off. Which, heh, hey, he’s got all the enthusiasm in the world going for him. And energy for days.”

“Bet his tongue is talented from all the talking he does.”

“Oh y— HEY! Nunya!”

Fell held up two fingers, “Submissive streak and will go down on you. See, Blue and Red share more than you think. You’re gonna have a fun time once you bag the lazybones.”

“Pfft. That’s assuming he has the stamina to even get it up,” Chara snarked. “Red doesn’t fall asleep anywhere and everywhere, like Sans. He’s lazy compared to most monsters from his world, but that LV gives him enough HP to stay awake for longer than a few hours.”

“I don’t see how this is helping me either: a.) asking him out, or b.) figuring out if he likes me in the first place!” Frisk pulled at her hair with a groan. “Because to be completely honest, the sex, er, possible sex, isn’t exactly my priority here. The size of his dick or lack of dick or whatever, doesn’t matter. Heck, I don’t even care if there is sex!”

“...I mean dicks were optional, he is a skeleton.”

“Fell!”

She shrugged and pulled herself up on the bed to sprawl against Chara, “Just saying assuming that’s your only option is short sighted. It’s all manifestations of magic and intent. Monsters don’t even typically have genitalia usually since they use their Souls for reproduction. But when they fool around with humans, our Souls can get loud and cause all kinds of fun things to pop up!” Fell tucked some hair behind one ear as she continued, “So if sexy fun times isn’t your thing, then he’ll prolly be cool with that since I don’t think he’s fooled around with any humans up here. Your Sans, uh, seems on the shyer side?”

“You mean to say he’s terrified of humans that aren’t a Frisk.”

“Not exactly…”

“He won’t stay in the room if I’m in it. Makes his excuses and sneaks off. Feh.”

Fell frowned but let her head bob in solemn agreement, “And the whole Soul Touching thing isn’t very viable for mixed pairs, just as a warning. In case you were thinking you could be intimate that way. High risk of the monster Soul cracking from the intensity of the human’s, or if the human is being too careful, the monster might accidentally absorb it and then you have a political mess. It’s not very fun when you have to spend the whole time trying not to accidentally kill the other…”

Chara’s eyes were large, “You little moron! You Touched Souls with the edgy trashbag didn’t you?”

Fell’s good-natured facade cracked and her eyes hardened with hurt. She stood up and strode towards the door, “Sorry for wanting to Bond with my Soulmate!”

Frisk rose and caught her by the wrist, “Hey, it’s fine...You’re here. Red is fine. It must have gone okay. But, if it’s such a high risk, why did you do it? When? You two weren’t even talking about marriage and Bonding is such a big step.”

“Why talk about something that can’t happen? We could walk around with rings but in the eyes of the government a marriage between a human and monster isn’t legal yet. But a Soul Bonding...that’s different. Even if humans wouldn’t recognize it, Monsterkind would. And if we could Bond then maybe we could have…” Her hand drifted to her stomach before correcting to rise to her chest. It was said that the Mages of old were born from the Mateship of Man and Monster. Manifested through Magic and Determination into something powerful and different. Fell curled her hand into a fist before sniffing, unshed tears hidden behind loose bangs. “I love him. And there’s so much good in him. He raised Edge to be big and strong and just, when he could have left him to Dust as a baby. He made sure nobody could hurt me or take me away from my family when we came Above. I...I want him to have the happily ever after he deserves. Just like everyone else.”

The ache in her chest was impossible to ignore and Frisk pulled Fell into a hug. They likely made quite a sight. A frilly goth covered in velvet and lace, embracing her casual, blue-jean clad doppelganger. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to change all that. For couples like you two.” Out of the three of them, only Frisk continued on her Ambassador journey once Monsters settled Aboveground post the multiverse collision.

“This is heartwarming and all, congrats on your gross love thing with Edgy McGee, but I think I may have a solution to Frisk’s little question. Y’know, the whole reason we’re in this tiny coat closet. By the way, you need a raise, because the size of your apartment suuuuucks.”

“Inner city rent. The plight of us all hard working young people. And while it’s a shoebox, it’s my shoebox.”

“Whatever,” Chara meandered over to the duo, hands in their pockets. “Anyway, take Sans to Grillbys, buy him all the ketchup he can drink, make a night of it. Have some bad laughs. Eat some good food. You’re friends, if nothing else. And if it feels right, TALK TO HIM!” They flicked Frisk between the eyes. “If he’s anything like Red, the idiot is pining in the corner like a dog. If he’s anything like Blue, he’s just in denial about his feelings for you. And if he’s anything like I think he is, he’s probably too lazy to do the asking himself...or doesn’t have the self-esteem to think you want him. I mean, from his perspective, all of his alternates except one have hooked up with their Human. You can’t possibly want him if you haven’t made a move by now.” Chara clapped Frisk on the shoulder as they made for the door. “Oh...and Frisk...Get a move on with that Monster-Human Marriage Bill or whatever it’s called.”

It was only then that Frisk noticed a gleam of gold glittering on Chara’s hand. Fell watched as Chara left, shutting the front door rather quietly behind them as they exited the apartment. A smile twitched back onto her face, “Whether he says yes or no, he cares about you, Frisk. Remember, stay determined. And good luck!” With that, Fell winked and flounced her way outside as well. Chara was her ride, after all.

“Stay determined, huh…”

Frisk drew in a deep breath and pulled out her cellphone, and shot off a text:

 

*Wanna get burgs tonight? ;)