Hi guys, it’s me Aegon from the Lore section on the Runescape fora. I’ve read some of stuff that’s been posted and some of you just fucking piss me off. I’ve seen the bullshit people have been sprouting and I will be adressing them. How can you people not like Zaros? He’s the best god ever, and he’s 20% cooler than Smurfdomin, that backstabbing traitor, that giant chicken and Sueren. He’s good, compassionate, badass, awesome…he’d answer injustice with justice. He’ll kill the other gods with the Elder Artifacts (Staff of the Chicken FTW!) gain their power, kill Mah in her sleep and gain her power, and then kill the Elders one by one, then when that’s done, he’ll kill Zamorak, Papa Smurf,Sueren and everyone else, and reclaim his empire; he’ll take what’s rightfully his with fire and blood.
So in retaliation for all the Zaros hate, I decided to write a pro-Zaros fanfiction (‘cause it’s not like I can just delete any anti-Zaros posts and thread, if I could I’d be doing that).
So in case you didn’t know, I’m 6 feet 3 inches tall with really huge mussels. I have very long, waste length hair like a shining river of silver under the pail moonlight on a star-less night (no I’m not an old man! shut your fucking mouth!), it’s natural (like Youko Kurama in Yu Yu Hakusho and Sesshoumaru in Inuyasha). I recently got purple highlights in it, ‘cause purple is the official Zarosian color so I did it to show my love for Zaros (ew, not in that way, you sick fuck) I also have red eyes, like the blood that spilled out of the Zamorakians and Smurfdominists and Suerenists and those who follow Armadyl that giant soon to be bucket of KFC (‘cause you all know Jagex is gonna kill him off, they’ll turn him into a bucket of fired chicken) when I killed them (so I look just like my ingame avatar).
Anyways, I was dressed very preppily in blue genes and a Tommy Hilfiger polo shit with a poopped collar as I drank my Stella Artois (I don’t care it’s wifebeater juice). I was at the bra in Varrock and I overheard some Zamorakians and Smurfdominists and Suerenists and KFCists talking shirt about Zaros.
"He’s weak and he cunt fight!"
"His faction is too weak, he barley has anyone fighting for him!"
"He experiminted on vampires and the Icyene and chickens!"
"He left Mah! How dare he not stay in an abusive situation and take it in the ass!"
"He scammed the demon king"
"He never fulfilled his promise to the Ilujank!"
"His empire was built on oppreshun!"
I preyed to Zaros to strike them down with lightening, but a second passed and he never did. I knew he wouldn’t because Zaros was too kind and too merciful, it was his fatal flaw (yes he has a flaw, now shut the fuck up about him being a MarySue, he’s not a fucking Sue! Your all jealous the god you follow will never be as cool as Zaros), that’s why he wouldn’t take revenge on the backstabber in the present thyme even though that son of a bitch is 4567898725637892348749498372983479837326478936742934693469246328101689754245666 times worse than that cunt Joffrey.
So I took matters into my own hands. I ran to the followers of the false gods and I grabbed them all by the hare and I dragged them outside. The flowers screamed but I gave them no mercy. I ripped out all of their tongues with hot pincers, then I had them all publically whipped, then I had their arms and legs flayed, then I tied them up on vertical wooden steaks and at night owls came and ate them, then at dawn they puked up pellets and you could still tell which body part they ate and whom it belonged too.
I sent the pellets of Smurfdomin followers back to him, I put the remains of the soon to be KFC’s followers into a cannon and I fried them into the sky and they landed in his citadel. I sent the Zamorak follower pellets back to him, and I sent the Sueren follower pellets back to her.
But I knew that alone wouldn’t stop people from disrespecting Zaros. I’d have to build a time machine, go to the Second age, stop the backstabber from ever carrying out his fucking traitorous plan, and then invade Hollowvale, Priffindas, and all the other lands until I conquered them all and convented everyone to the one true religio that is Zarosianism.
Yes...I would take advantage of the botfly effect.
So I did that. The finished product was a time machina built inside a purple porta-potty, but it was much bigger on the insidious. So I went inside, set the dial & it took me into the Secord age. It took me there.
I got out of the potty, and I gapsed when I saw Senntitsten. It was 25678938267898239 times better than Priffindas width it’s own Grand Exchange (that had fucking unlimited sluts, beat that Varrock and Priffindas!), an agility course that automatically has your character running around, so you don’t have to click every 2 seconds (but only if you’re a true Zarosian like me), a cooking range that never let you bum anything (that only Zarosians could use), a summiting store that gave out charms, shards and everything else for free (but forZarosians only), a magick store that gave away runes (to Zarosians only), a store that gave you planks for fee (only to Zarosias), NPCs that would never catch you steel from them so you always got 1800 xp every time you pickpicket them (but only if you follow the one true god aka Zaros), a shop that gave out free erbs (to Zarosians), a Zarosian temple that had a golded altar only true Zarosians could use, a shop that gave out ice dragon bones (to real Zarosians like me), several farming pots that never got deseased (and only Zaros could use them).
It was awesome, and everyone loved in total happiness in a total utopia, but I knew it would all and the moment the backstabber backstabbed Zaros, and I knew I had to prevent that fast. I needed the Staff of the Soon to be KFC, and Papa Smurf’s crown to locate it, so I went to Hallowvale via teleabortion.