Bucky was going to die. He was going to die painfully, and his murder would go tragically unsolved, because no one in the universe could convict Natasha Romanov and Toni Stark if they were working together. His girls could take over the world through their combined intelligence, resourcefulness, and ability to kill things very efficiently if they wanted to.
He knew he shouldn’t have eaten Toni’s favorite ice cream, but how was he supposed to know that it was Natasha’s favorite, too? And that both of them would want ice cream at the same time, when he was unable to distract them from the missing carton with kisses?
Really, the universe was out to get Bucky. That wasn’t his fault at all.
As it stood, he was massively fucked, and not even in a fun way.
“Bucky, is that you?” Natasha called sweetly, her voice a poison trap.
Bucky gulped in fear. “Hey, darlin’,” he said, stepping into the kitchen to face his fate. “What’s up?”
“We’re just snacking,” Toni said from where she was sitting in Natasha’s lips, kissing ice cream off of her lips. “I was craving ice cream, and Nat was kind enough to indulge me.”
“Ice cream,” Bucky nodded quickly, staring at the label of Toni’s carton. It was the exact kind he had finished the night before, and he knew for a fact that JARVIS hadn’t ordered more. It made no sense. “I thought we were out?”
“You mean, you thought you ate it all?” Natasha purred, taking an absolutely obscene lick from Toni’s spoon. If she was planning to punish him like that, it was working. “That’s what he means, right, Toni?”
“That sounds more accurate,” agreed Toni, raising an unimpressed eyebrow at him. “Wouldn’t you say so, Bucky?”
Bucky swore softly. “In my defense…” he trailed off.
“Yeah?” Natasha said expectantly.
“Oh, no, that’s all I’ve got.”
Toni rolled her eyes, sliding off of Natasha’s lap with a feline grace. “Sad,” she chided, tapping him on the chest with one manicured nail. “I expected better from you.”
“To be fair, that sounds like a mistake on your part,” he teased, moving to kiss Toni.
She neatly sidestepped, leaving him leaning into open air. “Thieves don’t get kisses,” she decided, moving back over to Natasha.
“Jealous, Barnes?” Natasha kept eye contact as she planted an absolutely filthy kiss on Toni’s lips. Toni, for her part, gave as good as she got, whining in the way she knew drove him mad. It was all a carefully crafted performance, not that all parties weren’t enjoying themselves.
“Very,” Bucky admitted, voice gravelly. He took a step forward, only for both women to glare at him. “Oh, come on!”
“You shouldn’t have eaten our ice cream,” Toni shrugged delicately. “This is your fault, really.”
Natasha grinned at him, all teeth, and bit down lightly on Toni’s neck. “It was quite rude,” she hummed. “Don’t you know not to touch what’s not yours?”
“You had more stashed away, though,” Bucky said somewhat desperately, pants growing uncomfortably tight at the display his partners presented.
“It was my emergency stash,” Toni panted as Natasha dedicated more of her focus to her task. “For emergencies only. I was saving it, but because of you, I ran out of my normal stash.”
“This feels like a disproportionate response,” he tried.
“Ice cream is sacred,” both women said in tandem, looking at each other and grinning.
Bucky deflated, hanging his head. “You two suck,” he grumbled, knowing he’d be sleeping on the couch. Ice cream thievery was a serious offence.
“Not you, we don’t,” Natasha winked at Toni, who just smirked at Bucky, eyes dancing with mirth.
“Let’s go, Nat,” Toni sniffed, gathering her ice cream carton and spoons. “I can think of some thief-free activities for us to do.”
“Just a second,” the redhead drawled, stepping into Bucky’s space and pressing a fleeting kiss on his jaw to rile him up more. “I’m ready now.”
Toni came up on his other side, lips sticky with chocolate, and did the same. “Me, too,” she replied, voice high and breathy in his ear.
“Me, three?” Bucky said hopefully.
“Not a chance,” Toni shot him a jaunty little wave as Natasha- shit eating grin firmly in place- picked her up and carried her out of the kitchen.
With a sigh, Bucky trudged over to the sofa, laying down and covering his ears. Unfortunately, he couldn’t cancel out the super serum’s effects even a little bit. He resigned himself to the torture, already plotting how to get his girlfriends back. In the meantime, though...
“Hey, JARVIS?” Bucky stared at the ceiling, listening to the sounds coming from their bedroom. “Order more of Toni’s ice cream, please? Get it here as quick as you can.”
“Done, Sargeant,” JARVIS said smoothly. “Ma’am and Agent Romanov have said that once it arrives, you may join them.”
Bucky smiled wolfishly and turned his eyes on the elevator to wait.