It wasn't every night that the four men found themselves stuck in the middle of nowhere in desperate need of food, but to the greatest distress and angst of the squad, this night was different.
"Well, this doesn't look good." Esidisi remarked as the ice cracked several feet in front of them; causing them to get trapped on a large chunk of ice that separated from the rest and began floating away into the-
Where were they floating, they wondered. All of them shared the same question (and many more,) but none of them had an answer.
"Listen, Wamuu, Esidisi, we need to stay calm or else we'll never reach land and find that damn stone-" Kars paused when he heard some unfortunately familiar sounds assault his innocent eardrums.
Kars turned to Esidisi, who was crying like a baby like he usually did on Tuesdays at 2:30 a.m, except it was neither Tuesday nor 2:30 am, and then turned to Wamuu, only to find him muttering to himself and breathing heavily as he held a knife to his stomach.
Kars was no magician (though, perhaps in some sense, he was a wizard-) but his spidey sense was starting to tingle, faster and more violently than ever. No, Kars told himself. He wasn't really a wizard. Not after what happened in 85,558 BCE, with the giant ice cave and-well, no use crying over spilled milk now, Kars though, and not just because he was lactose intolerant. Esidisi was having another freakout and Wamuu was preparing to commit seppuku (although it hadn't technically been invented yet but whatever,) and they were all floating away to God knows where on a chunk of ice in the middle of the ocean.
"Wamuu, put that knife away right now."
"I live to serve and obey you, Lord Kars, but I fear I cannot. I have shamed us all by allowing us to get caught in this predicament, and so I shall take it upon myself to carry out the punishment I deserve for this heinous, unforgivable act of negligence and sheer foolishness-"
"Dammit all, none of you *redacted* *redacted* *honking noises* *car horn sounds* listen to me!" Kars yelled, snatching the knife out of Wamuu's hand and hitting Esidisi with the blunt end of it over the top of his head. "Unless you morons want to die here, you better hang onto every word I say-" Without warning, Kars gave Santana, who silently shrugged when Kars started cursing at them and went back to smoking his joint, the filthiest death glare that had ever been delivered in any possible universe, and turned as red as a tomato.
"Maybe if you monkey-brained simpletons bothered to listen to me, maybe we wouldn't be stuck in this predicament, so how about you bunch of half-rotten bananas hanging off the tree use what feeble brains you have for once and allow me to finish a sentence for a change."
Just as Kars, for once, finished his sentence, the giant chunk of ice they were trapped on crashed into a much larger chunk of dry land.
"My Lord, do my foolish, undeserving eyes deceive me? Is this land? What incredible fortune this is!" Wamuu, somehow looking more distraught than Esidisi, who had been crying non-stop for a good 15 minutes, inquired when they made contact with good old terra firma once more.
A few sniffles and some snorting could be heard when Esidisi blew his nose on a particularly large leaf, and as soon as they all left the ice block and got on land, the ice block melted in barely more than the blink of an eye.
Santana glanced over at Esidisi and continued to smoke his joint, continuing to ignore every single word, noise, and movement from Kars.
"Phew, I feel much better now, what a relief." Esidisi remarked in a voice that was far too calm for a man who had been ugly-crying for a good quarter of an hour, stretching a little to work out the kinks in his back and shoulders.
"Well, at any rate, now that we're no longer trapped on that thing, we need to continue looking for the stone. Follow me everyone." Kars informed his companions.
"Full offense, but that's how we got caught in this predicament to begin with." Santana said. "You're the one who suggested we head over to-"
"All offense taken, but I didn't fucking ask for your worthless opinion, so shut your mouth before I shut it for you permanently!" Kars yelled, almost blowing out everyone else's eardrums in the process.
Santana glared at him, sighed, and went back to smoking his joint.
"Anyways, now that nobody's interrupting me ever again, let's all head west for now, with the time we have left, we have about 3 or 4 hours before sunrise, so let's get a move on and make it count." Kars informed everyone and without further ado, the dysfunctional squad trudged along in search of the fabled red stone of aja.
One semi-violent incident with a howler monkey, a sprained ankle, a tearful confession about a hidden kink involving feet, and some unspeakable horror involving a damaged nest of ostrich eggs later, the squad (eventually, after approximately 2 and a half nights of traveling later,_ did not find the stone, but they did, however, find something else of a certain level of interest: a simple log cabin in the middle of an ordinary, unremarkable meadow. Being exhausted from their travels, even if mostly psychologically rather than physically, they all, after investigating to make sure nobody was inside, decided to check it out. They did need somewhere to hide from the sun, after all.
"Well, this is rather-" As soon as Esidisi stopped speaking, everyone, minus Santana who had disappeared of his own free will several seconds before, noticed why he had suddenly gone silent.
The cabin was a simple building, with only one level and not more than 3 rooms (not counting a tiny closet that none of them could even fit inside, given how jacked they were,) but right in the middle of the largest room was something simple but intriguing: the burnt out remains of a cooking fire and a clean, empty cooking pot.
"Someone had to have brought this here for a reason. And the reason is simple: there must have been food nearby. I think the next course of action is obvious here." Kars told his remaining companions. "Once we've eaten, we'll continue our search for the red stone, but for now, we hunt."
"Sounds great, I'm in." Esidisi replied.
"Whatever you command, I will obey without complaint." Wamuu added. "I would certainly enjoy the opportunity to hone my hunting skills as well."
Their hunt, such as it was, turned out quite well, as in less than an hour, they had caught and killed some exquisite looking....well, none of them could identify just what it is that they killed, but whatever it was, it looked tasty as hell, and they were all hungry. When they got back to the cabin they were illegally squatting in, Kars lit a fire and Esidisi prepared a nice stew, dumping the meat in with some herbs and spices and stuff to make it smell nice and tasty. Just because they didn't have to eat with their mouths didn't mean they didn't enjoy it once in a while as a treat, after all, savoring delicious flavors was nice as long as you had taste-buds to savor them with, and for whatever reason, despite their biology, they still had taste-buds.
Yet despite their recent victory, as simple as it was, a sketchy vibe began to fill the room of the small cabin, setting them all on edge in a matter of minutes.
Though the meat seemed good enough, the stew began to take on an unusual odor, unlike anything they had ever smelled before, and soon a strange, cloudy sort of smoke filled the air, causing the atmosphere to seem somewhat ominous at first, at least while they were still able to be aware of such things.
"Lord Kars, Master Esidisi-this meat smells rather unusual-perhaps we were mistaken in assuming the creature we killed is edible." Wamuu stated in a neutral voice, despite an odd sort of itch crawling just under his skin, like the feeling of an electric spark that was all at once hot as coals and yet made him crave a certain kind of warmth regardless.
"Huh, well, it does smell a bit odd, I suppose-" Esidisi started, looking at Wamuu. "But more importantly, Wamuu, have you been working out? Your muscles seem bigger. You look even better than you usually do."
"Do you really think so?" Wamuu asked, feeling an uncharacteristic warmth spread across his face. Although his skin was dark enough that there was no obvious change of color in his face, Wamuu felt shame burning inside him regardless. What had come over him to feel this way, all of a sudden?
"Though I will admit it's odd, since we haven't been separated from each other for long in quite a while, I must say it does seem that way." Kars replied, glancing at Wamuu before he turned to Esidisi. Unlike Wamuu and Esidisi, Kars was light enough that, if one were to look closely, they could see a faint touch of pink on his cheeks. "And I can't help but admit that the same seems true for you too, Esidisi."
Esidisi snorted. "Hah, you're one to talk, Kars, look at you."
"Yes, and? Since when have you known me to neglect my appearance?" Kars replied, his arrogance just narrowly winning out over the odd warm feelings beginning to stir inside him.
"Oh, don't give me that bullshit, you know damn well what I'm talking about." Esidisi replied, thinking: "There he goes again...he's just too damn lewd."
Wamuu's face heated up even more as their increasingly dumber conversation continued, the heat coiling inside his inner core growing too much to bear.
"The air....it's so...it's so warm in here all of a sudden." he thought, shifting nervously as he tried to ignore the urge to move closer to either one of them. "This feeling...I....what should I do...."
Drowning in the introspection he couldn't even begin to spell, Wamuu grasped at answers, and then, as it all went black, he found one.
"Lord Kars, Master Esidisi...." Wamuu started. "Forgive me. But this feeling, I cannot bear it any longer....please allow me to offer a suggestion...."
Kars and Esidisi, both feeling hot and bothered enough to be uncomfortable themselves, but in a way that made no sense, paid Wamuu close attention.
"Let us wrestle in the ancient and noble style of sumo."
A fist flew into the rickety walls of the shoddily built cabin as Esidisi accidentally moved his arm the wrong way while attempting to grab Wamuu-he had his eyes on the prize, but Kars was too quick, distracting him by grabbing one of his large, firm pecs. Although his hand was a bit sweaty, they were all rather sweaty, so it really didn't make much of a difference. Esidisi felt something clench inside him-no, wait, that was just a leg cramp-when Wamuu's hand brushed against his thigh.
Kars rolled over him in order to grab onto something himself-getting a nice handful of Wamuu's enormous pecs in one hand, still grabbing Esidisi's arm with his other hand. Wamuu was having more than a little trouble remembering things like where he was or what his name was, but none of those concerns troubled him in the moment, at least not as long as Kars has his hand on one of his pecs like that, feeling the massive amount of well-defined, perfectly sculpted muscle there like a squirrel grabbing a handful of nuts.
Though the floor was rather hard, Kars, Esidisi, and Wamuu were blissfully unaware (even though they were also sweaty,) rolling around in only the most minimal amount of clothing in the small wooden cabin, grabbing and groping and squeezing each other all over in the world's most degenerate wrestling match. Emotions were higher than Santana was when he smoked too many joints, and adrenaline and arousal were as well, the air devoid of all sound except for heavy breathing, panting and a few labored grunts as they put all their effort into wrestling like nobody had ever wrestled before, limbs tangled together and bodies pressing against each other in a sweaty, horny, senseless frenzy of...well, whatever it was, they were all top notch in the wrestling department, and wrestle they did, rolling around without a care in the world, much to the detriment of the tiny cabin they were in, as once they suddenly felt satisfied, the cabin had been laid to absolute and utter waste, the floorboards and walls horrifically damaged due to the actions of the trio of aztec supervampires.
Wamuu, though he was the last one to get up, due to the fact that he had pulled his hamstring, was the first to notice. "It seems as if the odor from the meat has dissipated. I suppose we forgot all about the stew for some reason."
"Haha, yeah. We got pretty worked up, it seems. I wonder why...." Esidisi chimed in.
"Yes, it would seem so. Well, at any rate, we should continue searching for the red stone..." Kars added.
Before any of them could say or do anything else, a knock was heard at the door, which immediately fell down after the first knock.
"Damn, who built this dump? The construction's shoddy as hell." Santana though after the door fell down after just one knock. "Hey, anyone here?" he yelled, his face contorting into a grimace for the briefest of seconds once he got a good look at Kars, Esidisi, and Wamuu, all sitting and/or lying around, all sweaty and disheveled looking.
"......Y'all n***** gay."
When Santana picked up the door again to slam it shut before leaving, the entire cabin crumbled into a pile of useless wood, leaving Kars, Wamuu, and Esidisi lacking shelter to hide from the sun yet again.
Kars glanced around, his neutral expression quickly turning into a frown. The sun was set to rise shortly and there was, of course, no other suitable form of shelter left in the area.
"Wamuu, Esidisi, we need to start digging."