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You're Beautiful and So Much More

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“Wow, check this dude out, ‘Manda,” Sonny says, he brings his iPad over towards Amanda’s desk, “What a misogynistic asshole,” he mutters.

This case was unbearably sexist, women have been pouring into the sixteenth precinct for a week now, describing how a man was forcing them into sex. They would describe in detail how the man would make them wear old-fashioned housewife clothes from the ’80s and make them play a game of house. It seemed like the man had a type too, young, petite, thin girls, but then he had a drastic shift in M.O when both a man and a woman came to them, discussing how he took his turns with both. It was the first they saw a man be victimized by their perp and not to mention, a slightly heavy one. It didn’t make sense to Sonny how the perp would change from easily controllable, thin girls, to a heavy-ish looking male.

But with this drastic change came their perps biggest mistake of all. The man had recorded their attack through his laptop, it was left open through the whole assault and they now had a face to run through the database. However, they turned up short but once he and Amanda started asking around, they got a name, Marcus Ramos, a twenty-eight-year-old who lives alone after his mother died a year ago. But, as Sonny just learned, his father had just passed two days ago.

It explains the change in M.O.

“Huh well, listen to this,” they had pulled up his Facebook page, it was a post, a few years ago, he started reading the post out loud, “I have a type, you know? Young, petite, and thin girls, while Dana wasn’t the best, at least she was thin,” Sonny wonders how he managed to get any girl with that kind of disrespect and lack of force. Sonny continues reading from the feed. “Back in high school, I used to get all the girls, what can I say? I was hot. Some cheerleader bitch had it in for me too, she was pretty and thin, always wore those smutty dresses.”

He feels like he’s going to gag, he objectified so many women Sonny’s surprised they’re just now hearing about him and haven’t sooner.

“And what about now?” Amanda asks, she has her classic ‘men-are-stupid’ face on.

Sonny scrolls to the top, “I settled,” he reads, “while he’s not that great looking in the physical department and not as thin as I like em, he’s got a tight appeal, you know what I mean?”

The two partners look at each other and share the mutual feeling of disgust. Sonny screenshots the posts and closes the tablet, enough of that. Just then, Sonny turns and sees Rafael. His whole face lightens up, he was just on his way to catch a lunch with him. “Hey you,” Sonny says, walking up to the man. Rafael made him forget about all that stupid shit he just read. He smiles at Rafael and he knows his cheeks are flushed because of thoughts of them this morning when he woke up with his cock down Rafael's throat. He plans to show Rafael how much he appreciated that gesture during lunch, or at least when they get back home. “We’re still on for lunch?”

“No,” the reply came and Sonny’s eyes scrunch in confusion. “I have something to do, do you have anything for me, Detective?”

Sonny’s eyes squinted, and he looks over at Amanda who’s just as shocked but tries to hide the fact she’s eavesdropping.

“Uh,” he starts unintelligently, “Yeah, we’re pretty sure we got the guy, Marcus Ramos, from the laptop film? Yeah, we printed his picture and three people recognized and identified him as Ramos.”

Rafael nods, “I’ll get you a warrant,” and that’s all he says before he walks away. Sonny blinks.

Sonny should have noticed right then.

Sure, work was taking an overbearing toll on both of them for the past two weeks but that’s no excuse, as a detective and a lover, Sonny should have noticed how distant Rafael grew. That case was taking longer than either of them had thought. Once Sonny and Amanda confronted the guy, he made chase and they ended up losing him.

Sonny remembers, it first started when they both stumbled back home after an excruciating 28-hour work shift when they first made the identification that their perp had been Ramos. They were both tired and had the next day off, but despite Sonny’s sleep-addled brain he should have picked up on the way Rafael threw on an old, ratty and oversized shirt, one Sonny hadn’t even known Rafael owner despite living with the man for the past six months.

While Rafael took it down a notch when at home with his wardrobe, he always slept with a fitting shirt and matching pants, but that night Rafael threw on: one, a shirt Sonny had never seen, meaning Rafael had to dig down for it and two, an oversized and baggy pants that didn’t even match.

Sure, Sonny was tired and barely put two and two together that night, all he wanted to do was take off his work clothes and cuddle up next with Rafael. But when the man woke up the following morning, Rafael was nowhere to be seen.

Sonny remembered the anxiety at first, leaving the bed and calling out Rafael’s name to no avail, scooping out the whole apartment and not finding Rafael anywhere in sight, not even a note or a message on his phone. Sonny was another minute away from calling the whole NYPD task force when he heard keys jingle and the door opened quietly.

There Rafael stood, in a red sweater, it looked like the blue sweater he wears for jogging but it’s bigger and a bit older looking and the sweatpants are black and have his Harvard logo on them. Rafael must have seen Sonny’s worried and confused expression.

“Cariño? What’s wrong?” He asked, dropping his keys in the ceramic bowl.

Sonny just stared, he would kick himself later for not putting two and two together, but at that moment, Sonny was just glad that Rafael was okay. “About to call the whole NYPD task force, Christ, you scared me, where did you go?” Sonny asked he didn’t even wait for Rafael to toe-off his shoes before he pulled the man towards himself and kissed those lips. He remembers hearing the shaky sigh, how Rafael’s hand pressed against his chest and felt, and at that moment, Sonny had thought nothing of it instead of a suggestion for further activity.

How wrong he was.

Rafael’s chuckle, soft, gentle, it was tired and a bit dismissive, “Possessive,” he quipped, but pressed his lips against Sonny’s again, as if he was trying to prove his words right.

And Sonny, god he took the distraction, he didn’t even notice how Rafael deflected and didn’t even answer his question afterward.

“Protective,” Sonny corrected, a smile casting on his lips as he dips down and kisses at Rafael’s neck, his hands pressed against Rafael’s chest and tried to peel off the sweater, wanting to get his hands all over Rafael’s body.

But as soon as he did that Rafael pushed away, faster than Sonny had ever seen before, obviously confused, Sonny went to say something but Rafael pushed a smile onto his lips and tried to placate Sonny with a kiss on his lips. “I’m going to take a shower, I’m heading to the office this morning.”

Once again, Sonny was thrown into a loop he didn’t even recognize at first. The concern he had over Rafael’s quick push away from him was now overridden with the concern of Rafael going back to One Hogan Place.

“Wha..? Rafi, we just got home eight hours ago from a twenty-eight-hour shift, I thought we were taking a day off today?”

“Soleado, I can’t, I’m sorry, I have court to prepare for-“

“Yeah, in three days from now.”

“- and I have to go back to the office for paperwork and some pre-motion trials.”

Sonny’s mouth gaped, he knew how much of a workaholic Rafael was but even this was excessive.


“Cariño please, let’s not fight about this,” and in his voice, the distraught was real, but it was misplaced.

Sonny lost his fight, Rafael’s eyes weren’t even looking at him.

“Okay,” he sighed, his hand dropped and took Rafael’s hand in his, “we can talk later, yeah? I’ll make you some breakfast and drive you-“

“It’s fine, I’m alright, I’m running late,” Rafael pulled his hand back and looked away, “we can talk later.”

Sonny watched as Rafael made quick to disappear from view.

They never had that talk later.


The whole squad finally caught a break, the perp was caught, indicted, and pleaded out, life with no parole. While usually, the squad would celebrate their hard work and success, everyone just wanted to go home and sleep for a week. Liv and Amanda had kids at home and Fin had Fin-things at home. They were all ordered to take the weekend off, Sonny was more than excited and rushed home as soon as he could. He knew Rafael had a few loose ends to tidy up and despite Sonny’s insistence to stay, Rafael assured him that he’d see him at home.

So, Sonny thought the best thing he could do was make dinner. A whole course meal so Rafael can come home to a relaxing, non-work related environment. Thus, Sonny stopped at the supermarket before going back home, he was going to make one of Rafael’s favorite meals, Lechon con Moros y Maduros. He remembers that one Sunday he and Rafael spent at his mother’s and Lucia showed him how to make the meal.

It was a fond memory and Sonny was in the mood to spoil Rafael, the case was hard and as always Rafael superseded all expectations and knocked the defense attorney out of the park. Not to mention, it’s been a bit of a strain on their relationship. Sonny remembers that day when Rafael came home from whatever, Sonny had never found out what, and Rafael had practically run away ten minutes afterward of being in the room with Sonny.

Sonny cursed, they never had that promised talk, instead, and Sonny is not proud of it, they had some particular rough sex. It was brought on by Rafael as soon as he came home, knocking the whole script Sonny had made while waiting for Rafael to get home.

It’s not like they don’t have rough sex, he and Rafael enjoyed a bit of BDSM and they always make sure to spice up their sex life, but what they did was different.

“Fuck me, Dominick,” Rafael’s voice was heavy, full of emotion, but the action of Rafael pressing his lips against Sonny’s skin and his hand against Sonny’s cock threw the detective out for a spin. Sonny didn’t realize the pain in Rafael’s voice, the desperation, the worry. At that moment, all Sonny’s brain to register is Rafael throwing himself at him, Rafael’s cock hard in his jeans and his cock twitching and growing hard in his pants. “Give it to me.”

“Woah- Rafi, hold on a minute-“

“Do you not want me?”

“What? Of course, I do, I just think-“

“I think you should just shut up and fuck me, Dominick, can you do that?”

Sonny felt his cheeks flush and he nods dumbly, Rafael was still fondling with clothed cock and Sonny was having a hard time focusing on the important matters. He knew they should talk, he knew that sex was just a distraction, but Rafael groped at him again and his teeth attached themselves at Sonny’s pulse.

“Yeah, yeah, I can do that, fuck, okay.”

And Sonny fucked him, it was hard, dirty, it was to the point that Rafael didn’t even take off his clothes…

Sonny blinked, his lips twitched and his eyebrows furrowed. Sonny got completely naked that night and Rafael had only taken off his pants and then right when they were finished Rafael slipped on another pair of pants. It was subtle.

And Sonny had completely missed it.

Sonny watched as the rice cooked on the stove. Rafael has been distant, he has, and Sonny doesn’t know why. At first, he thought it was because of work, but work is over, and even when work was over Rafael still had this air around him, tense, reserved, and snippy.

And Sonny had been wrong.

Rafael has been distracting him, either with sex, false tiredness, or work.

Sonny wants to kick himself for having such an epiphany while staring at the pot of rice. He should have been better. They had to talk because as of right now, he couldn’t remember the last time either has said “I love you” to one another and that didn’t settle well in his stomach. Perhaps his memory is being selective and maybe he said I love you this morning, but his brain is not telling him so.

They had to talk, tonight, while Sonny wanted to end this night with sex, he fears that it may end in a fight or tears, whichever comes first. They haven’t had dinner or even lunch together for a few weeks, thanks to, yet again, work. So as much as Sonny wanted to enjoy this night, he couldn’t due to the nagging his head was now supplying.

Did I do something wrong? Are we growing apart? Does he not love me anymore?

These thoughts now plagued his head and Sonny felt the anxiety and dread building up as dinner slowly cooked to completion.

It was now nearing nine o’clock and the food has been done for a little over ten minutes now, Sonny had gotten out the scotch and wine during his wait and even set the table up a bit. That’s when Rafael came in.

The jingle of keys and the lock undoing itself had Sonny bouncing on the heels of his feet in anticipation. There, Rafael walked in, keys going into the white bowl, briefcase being set down near the door and the door being shut closed and locked.

“Hey you,” Sonny greeted, walking over to Rafael and helping him out of his coat, Sonny noticed how Rafael flinched upon his touch. Sonny blinked, “I-I uh, I made dinner,” he finished, but Rafael stepped out of his space and barely regarded him.

“I’m not hungry, only tired, I hope you didn’t wait for me,” Rafael answers, it’s quick, and almost rehearsed.

“Awh, c’mon Rafi, it’s your favorite, I thought we could have a nice dinner. We barely saw each other for the past few weeks,” Sonny tried to intertangle their fingers together as he pulled on his best smile, he knew his dimples were one of Rafael’s weaknesses but the man wasn’t even looking at him. “I missed you.”

“You saw me earlier.”

Sonny blinked, “Okay, but in a professional sense, these past few weeks we barely had time for one another.”

Rafael took his hand back and once again stepped away from Sonny, “I know, we can talk about this tomorrow please.”

But Sonny was already shaking his head, “Wait, no, no, I- what’s up with this attitude? You’ve been so distant. Is it me? Rafael, could we at least eat together? Please? We can relax, talk about this now.”

“I don’t want to talk about this now.”

“So there is a this to be talked about at least.”

Rafael finally flared at him, Sonny knows the look was supposed to be harsh but all Sonny could see is the pain. He could finally see the pain.

Sonny’s lips pulled down, “What’s… what’s wrong? What happened? You’ve been like this for weeks, and at first, I thought it was work, but now I can see it’s something else, you know you can talk to me.”

And just like that, Rafael’s eyes were darting away from him, “Dominick, please, I just want to sleep.”

Sonny can see how tired he looked as well, the bags underneath the man’s eyes, “Eat first at least,” Sonny said because he doesn’t remember the last time the man ate in front of him.

He doesn’t remember the last time the man ate in front of him.

“When did you eat last?” Sonny asked, his brain was now going a mile a minute. He watched as Rafael gave a shrug and kept his eyes directed towards the floor.

“I ate this afternoon-“

“Bullshit,” Sonny’s eyes widen, “you haven’t, none of the squad had been able to,” Sonny’s hand went to Rafael’s face, he cradled it and lifted his chin to look at him. “When’s the last time you ate?” The emotion is heavy in his voice, his detective skills finally making themselves at use as he pieces together the last few weeks.

The big ratty shirts, how that morning Rafael had gone for a run, how his regular blue jumper was replaced with an old red one, how he denied breakfast, how he pulled away when Sonny touched his chest, how Rafael barely took off his fucking shirt when they had sex later on.

He couldn’t have been that blind. Was he?

“I’m not hungry, now get off,” Rafael pulled away, but Sonny can hear it now, the pain, he can see it too. Sonny grabbed at Rafael’s wrist. “Dominick, I said get off-“

“I love you,” Sonny said, it was soft, but filled with love, it was honest, and it’s the first time he remembered saying it for the past few weeks. “I love you,” he said again, Rafael just stared, those green eyes in a constant battle. Sonny pulled Rafael’s hand towards his lips, he gave the knuckles a gentle kiss. “What have you been doing to yourself, my love?” He asks gently, he turns Rafael’s wrist over and presses a kiss onto the man’s pulse.

“Get off,” Rafael said, he tugs at his wrist, but it’s weak. Sonny’s eyes lift, Rafael was looking everywhere but him. Green eyes never looked so dull, so broken. Sonny can see the way Rafael battled to void himself of emotion, he can see the fight on his face as Rafael’s lips tried to press in a straight line but was pulling into a quivering frown, he can see the way the crinkle in his forehead deepened as his eyes closed themselves, as if he was trying to will himself to not… cry. “Leave me alone.”

Sonny remembers how he just tried to help Rafael with his coat, only for the man to flinch. He remembers how Rafael presses his hand onto his stomach that morning and felt, he remembered how his hand hesitated and softly scooped out the lines following his ‘V’. Sonny remembers that sex, how rough it was, how void of aftercare it was. Rafael had just left, cleaned himself up, threw on pants and gave Sonny a rag for himself. Sonny now looks back on that sex and thinks how much they just used each other for an orgasm. Sonny remembers how quick Rafael was to deny breakfast, how faster he was to deny dinner.


Was the simple but so complex question he gave back. There were so many why’s he had right now, all floating around.

Rafael let out a sigh, it was shaky and it was followed by a few intakes of breath. “I heard you.”

And Sonny is confused all over again, he stands up straight and tugs at Rafael’s wrist, the man spares him a glance, “You heard me?” He parrots.

Rafael blinks, his eyes narrowed and now he pulls away, “Don’t patronize me, Carisi,” that hurt, now much more prominent, also made room for a sudden wave of anger. “You could have just fucking told me, or, I don’t know, just not had dated me at all?”

Sonny, now completely taken aback, his head trying to understand what Rafael was implying, “No, no, wait, Rafael, the hell are you going on about? Just wait a minute.”

Those were wrong words, “Just wait until what? Until I’m thin? A bit younger? Get out of my face, Dominick.”

“What?” Was the only reply Sonny could muster, where the hell was this coming from? Rafael just scowled at him again, but the anger was dwindling and the pain and hurt were overriding.

Rafael regarded himself, his hands wrapped around himself, “I heard you talk to Rollins about your previous lovers, and how I’m not your type but you will ‘settle’,” his voice was small, Sonny knew he tried to put my spit into his words but also knew Rafael couldn’t. His fight was gone and now replaced with defeat.

“You heard me talk to Amanda…?” Sonny was confused, he tried to think back to the last few weeks where he even remotely mentioned to Amanda about someone other than Rafael in that context- “That day when I told you first about Marcus Ramos?”

Rafael looked at him, wow, his green eyes are tired, Rafael sighed, “Yes, look I know I’m not thin or petite, and especially not young but you should have-“

“Did you read what I sent you that day?”

Now it was Rafael’s turn to blink and stare at him confusedly.


“I sent you something that day I think,” Sonny said, but after a few seconds of silence he then mutters to himself, “That’s why you blew me off at lunch.”

“What are you talking about, Dominick?”

Sonny wants to flinch, they don’t use his given name, only when Rafael was mad, serious, or close to cumming did he.

“Stay right there,” Sonny leaves the front entrance and goes into their room, he plucks the iPad from off his nightstand and walks into the living room, Rafael is still where he left him. “Come over, please.”

Sonny assumes it’s Rafael’s pure curiosity that helps him off his feet, but soon enough Rafael follows and sits down.

“What is it?”

Sonny just opens the photos, it’s his work tablet, so he goes to the screenshots and hands Rafael the pad. “Read. This is from Ramos’ Facebook feed.”

Rafael hesitantly takes the iPad, he gives Sonny one last look before averting his eyes towards the tablet. Sonny watched as Rafael’s eyes dart back and forth reading the posts, Rafael swipes and reads the other two as well.

They sit in silence.

“I- I never got this,” Rafael says.

“Yeah,” Sonny said sheepishly, “once you blew me off it kinda went over my head, me and ‘Manda just figured to get the guy in person.”

“When you saw me you were flustered, embarrassed.”

“I..,” Sonny thinks on why he was blushing and then smiles, “I was thinking about that morning, you know the one where you decided to wake me up with a blowjob. I remember I was thinking about giving you one too when we got lunch.”

Rafael was now blushing, “I’m…- oh god, I’m so sorry, I thought - I had heard you say you had dated these thin young girls and I don’t know, I just - I just couldn’t help but think and then you said you settled for him and I couldn’t help but think that was me - oh god, I’m so sorry-“

Sonny shushed him, Rafael’s breathing was growing uneven now as he looked away in shame. Sonny embraced him, hugged him tightly and couldn’t help the explosion of feelings once Rafael hugged him back.

“I’m sorry,” Sonny had whispered back, his hand was now in Rafael’s hair, carding through it,

“What? Why are you sorry?”

“Because,” Sonny sighed, “I should have made this conversation sooner, I knew something was wrong with you but I assumed it was the case. But now, looking back on it, the situation was so clear. What kind of boyfriend, let alone Detective, am I? I couldn’t even pinpoint the reason you were so distant.”

“No, no, no,” Rafael pulled away and his hand cupped Sonny’s jawline, “this is on me, I jumped to conclusions too quickly and thought of the worst. I should have just talked to you about it, plus, it wasn’t like I gave you a chance to understand what’s wrong.”

Sonny just sighs, he places a soft kiss right next to Rafael’s lips, “How long?”

“Two weeks.”

“No, how long?”

Rafael’s quiet.

“Rafael, please.”

“A week and a half.”

Sonny made a pained noise, one a dog would make if you stepped on its tail. “No, oh god, baby,” Sonny closed his eyes and started peppering Rafael with soft kisses.

He could feel Rafael shake, “I- I didn’t want to lose you,” he admits, “I couldn’t bear to lose you and every time I did eat I just heard your voice I- I-“ his voice was trembling. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I couldn’t lose you, Sonny.”

“And so you starved yourself? My God, and you were running in the morning, going to work, no wonder you’re so tired, Rafael-“

But his words got caught, he pulled back and saw the tear, it generated from the green eyes and then rolled away from it, it marred the beautiful face with its stain.

“I’m sorry,” was the reply, and more tears rolled, “I-I snacked, sure, and I made sure to at least eat something once a day, but I couldn't- every time I bit into anything I could hear your voice and I-“

But Sonny knows better, he knows Rafael better, the man wouldn’t start crying over his weight for anybody. He was tough as nails and skin were just alike. Sure, Rafael always had something in his mouth, whether it be snacks, meals, or words, and throughout their almost two-year relationship, Rafael was never self-conscious about his body.

“Your father.”

Sonny hears himself say. Rafael only started crying when the voices got too loud and he knows that Rafael chases them away with a bottle but if this starving was as bad as Sonny thought it to be then he knows the man barely had a drink or two.

Rafael nods, “Always finds his way back to me.”

“Did he used to tell you that you’re too big?”

“First time I heard it,” Rafael takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself. “I don’t know, just hearing you imply it- it just triggered something and I tried to fix it myself, that's why I kept quiet about it, I’m sorry.”

“Shh, it’s okay,” Sonny kisses at Rafael’s head, he sits there holding Rafael, the older man slowly starts to quiet down. “Come on,” Sonny whispers, he stands up and helps Rafael to his feet as well. Rafael gives him a look but stays silent.

Sonny leads them to their room and motions for Rafael to sit on the bed, the man does so. Sonny takes out one of Rafael’s matching pairs of nightclothes, he hasn’t seen the man wear them since this problem started. Sonny watched as Rafael tenses as he sets the clothes down next to him, Sonny just hushes him again.

“May I?” He asks his hand at the hems of the suit jacket. Rafael just stares, so many conflicting emotions in the man’s eyes, but he settles on one and nods his head. “Thank you.”

Sonny removes the jacket, the vest, the tie, and the button down. He gets to the wife-beater, neither of them has said a word while Sonny was undressing Rafael, but now, the air grows three times as thick.

“May I?” Sonny asked again.

Rafael stares, his lips are parted but Sonny can see Rafael’s teeth biting into the side of his bottom lip.


In a slow, fluid motion, Sonny’s fingers curl around the white fabric and pull up, revealing that skin he hasn’t seen in two weeks. He notices how thin Rafael now looked. Sure, a bit of his pudge is still there, but it wasn’t like how he remembered it from before.

Rafael hasn’t said anything but his labored breaths and his averting eyes speak volume. Sonny places the white material onto the side of the bed, he bends, and he kisses softly at the hairy patch of skin.

“I love you.”

There’s another choked noise.

Sonny stands and motions for Rafael to do the same, the lawyer does and Sonny reaches down to Rafael’s trousers.

“May I?” He asks again.

“Yes.” No hesitance.

Sonny takes the belt off first and then undoes the buttons. Rafael slips out. Sonny notices how Rafael’s thighs aren’t as full as they once were. Now, Rafael stands almost completely naked save for his boxers and Sonny pulls him close.

With the lights on and a full view of his body, Sonny dips down right next to Rafael’s ear and whispers, “You are beautiful,” Sonny’s hand skates down Rafael’s chest, right on his stomach it lands, “You are beautiful,” and then Sonny’s hand ran up Rafael’s back and buried themselves into Rafael’s hair. “You are beautiful.”

Sonny skinks slightly and presses a kiss right on Rafael’s heart, “And I love you, so, so much.”

And then they hug, Sonny stands and Rafael holds him and holds him, he had buried his head into Sonny’s chest and held him close.

And Sonny held him back.

His nose deep into the man’s hair, smelling, he hasn't held him like this for so long, too long.

Sonny was the one to pull away first, the room is still quiet and Rafael hasn’t said much. Sonny takes the night bottoms and helps Rafael into them, they sag a bit more than they used to. Sonny does the same with the nightshirt. Sonny steps back.

“You are still so beautiful.”

The emotions are raw, heavy, intoxicating.

And then finally.

“I love you.”

Sonny smiles and he says, “And I love you.”

Sonny takes Rafael’s hand and leads him back into the living room, this time he sits Rafael at the table. Rafael gives him a confused look, “We’re eating, you don’t have to eat too much, but at least most of even half of the plate and then we can watch a movie and go to bed, deal?”

And finally, Rafael smiles and Sonny momentarily loses himself, “Deal.”

God, how long has it been since he’s seen that smile?

Sonny just smiles himself, presses a kiss to Rafael’s lips and disappears into the kitchen. He fixes only Rafael a plate and brings out two water bottles. He sets the plate down in front of Rafael as well for the waters, he brings a chair closer to Rafael’s and sits.

“Where’s yours?”

“This is about you,” Sonny says, he scoops up some rice and beans onto the fork, “please.”

“I can feed myself.”

Sonny gives him a look, “Humor me, let me take care of you.”

Rafael wants to say something else, Sonny knows, but the man just nods and his eyes fall onto the plate in front of him and then the fork.

The first bite is the hardest.

But Rafael parts his lips and Sonny pushes the fork into his mouth and pull it back out, Sonny watches as Rafael looks away and he starts to chew, but it’s forced. Sonny knows Rafael doesn’t even want to swallow.

“You can do it, please Rafi.”

They catch eyes, it’s only for a few seconds but it’s enough, Rafael nods and swallows. Sonny smiles.

They continue like this, Sonny feeding him small portions of food and Rafael chewing and swallowing them. It takes Sonny to get a quarter of the plate down until Rafael starts to relax until he stops struggling with swallowing each time.

Sonny sets the fork down, he picks up the bottled water, “C’mon, drink,” he instructs, Rafael gives him a look but compiles, he gulped down half the bottle. Rafael looks at the bottle in slight shock but Sonny doesn’t regard it even if he notices. “Good.”

They make their way through a third of the plate and a whole water bottle.

“I- I can’t anymore,” Rafael whispers and Sonny nods.

He drops the fork into the plate, “Can you drink more water?” he asks, opening the second bottle.

Rafael gives the water a surveying look but nods. “Okay.”

Sonny smiles, “Great, here,” he gives Rafael the water, “Go find us a movie, yeah? Let me clean up a bit.”

Rafael hesitates but takes the water anyways, but before he stands up, he places a kiss onto Sonny’s lips. Then, the man walks away.

Sonny smiles, he stands and cleans the table, he throws away the rest of the food on the plate, recycles the water bottle and put the rest of the food away for tomorrow. However, when he walks into the living room Rafael isn’t there, Sonny squints and goes to their room. There the man was with Sonny’s laptop and a soft smile.

“I thought we can watch a movie in here,” he explains. Sonny notices how the water bottle is half empty.

“Of course we can, Rafi, lemme change. You find anything good?” Sonny moves to his dresser and pulls out a pair of night pants and shirt, usually, he’ll only sleep with pants, but he wants this to be as comfortable and relaxing as it could be.

“Uhh, yeah, I think it’s a Disney movie? The Corpse Bride?”

Sonny grins, he lays down on the bed and takes the laptop from Rafael, he places it on his lap and opens his arm so Rafael could cuddle into his chest. The man does, his head right over Sonny’s beating heart.

“It sounds perfect.”

He presses play and plays with Rafael’s hair, he can’t see the laptop or the movie at all. But he doesn’t care, all he cares about is Rafael.

So he cards his fingers through the raven locks and scratch at the scalp.

“Thank you.”

Sonny hears, one of Rafael’s hands are laid over his chest. Sonny brings that hand up to his mouth and kisses the palm.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They fall back into silence and it wasn’t long until Sonny heard the quiet snores comes from Rafael. With his free hand, he closes the laptop and places it on the nightstand next to the half-empty water bottle. He pulls Rafael a bit closer to him and the sounds of Rafael’s breathing, finds himself falling asleep as well.


Sonny’s eyes slowly fluttered opened, it took a moment but slowly he started taking in his surroundings. He was in bed, it was perhaps ten, and there was a constant weight against him. Sonny looked down to see Rafael, his head is pressed against his chest, right where his heart is and his free hand is intertwined with Sonny’s.

Waking up as otters do.

Sonny grins and allows himself to lay there, he can still hear Rafael’s soft snores.

Last night had been an eye-opener, Sonny knows that Rafael doesn’t get insecure about much, but coupled with miscommunication and his childhood, Sonny is just glad that Rafael allowed him to hold him last night.

He knew this insecurity wasn’t going to go away just like that, it’d probably take a few months or even years, but Sonny is willing to wait, he’s willing to help.

He thinks, maybe there is something he can do.


Rafael wakes up a half an hour later, “Mornin, baby,” Sonny says, only now using his voice and hearing the hoarse accent.

Rafael blinks and yawns, he looks up at Sonny and smiles, he leans up and presses a soft and lazy kiss onto his lips. Sonny sighs into the kiss, so many little things went missing in those past two weeks.

“Goodmorning,” Rafael whispers when he pulls back, Sonny chases those lips and gets rewarded with a laugh and another gentle kiss.

They linger in bed for a bit more until Sonny taps at Rafael, “C’mon, let’s go make breakfast and coffee.”

Rafael hums at that, it takes a moment, but the two finally get out of bed. Rafael makes a b-line to the bathroom while Sonny goes towards the kitchen.

He starts the coffee pot and takes out eggs, bacon, and grits, wanting to keep things simple. He hears the sink stop and the bathroom door open when he was done cracking the eggs open.

Rafael comes up behind him and wraps his arms around Sonny’s waist and Sonny could swear that his stomach filled with butterflies. Rafael’s head was pressed against Sonny’s back, “I’m sorry about last night,” Rafael whispers.

“Don’t be, I want us to be able to talk about these things. Here I thought you were close to kicking me out.”

Rafael laughed and Sonny stopped scrambling the eggs, “As if, I can’t imagine much without you, Soleado, pretty sure you ruined me.”

Sonny placed the fork back into the glass bowl and turned, properly hugging the shorter man. “I love you,” he starts, “and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, you better write up a protection order if you want me gone, Counselor.”

Another laugh and Sonny is running laps in his head.

“You’re lucky you’re cute, Detective, or else I would have been hauled you to the wolves.”

“That’s not a nice way to talk about Liv and Amanda.”

They both laugh at that and Sonny dips his head down to steal a kiss.

“Hmm, a lazy day?” Rafael asks, pulling away and holding Sonny again.

Perhaps he’s making up for the lost time. Sonny isn’t complaining.

“Lazy day.”


Sonny is ecstatic when Rafael finishes his breakfast and coffee and then finishes his lunch. Things between them settled, it sizzled down and now they lie comfortably on the couch watching cooking shows. It was truly a lazy day but Sonny had something planned for later on that night.

It rolled around seven p.m and Sonny reheats last night’s dinner and after a bit of goading, Rafael eats everything on the plate and with the help of Sonny’s dimples, Rafael also eats the dessert of chocolate ice cream.

But Sonny now sees and recognizes the sighs, the conscious lingering of Rafael’s fingers over Sonny’s chest, the hesitant touch of his own stomach, the fidgeting of his clothes. Sonny curses at himself for letting this get too bad. But, he plans to help fix it. To help Rafael know that Sonny loves him, to help Rafael try to love himself.

“Mm, how ‘bout a shower? C’mon, we can both use one,” Sonny murmurs into Rafael’s hair, he can feel Rafael slightly tense but relax almost immediately afterward.


They move their way to the bathroom and the tension is back, he notices how Rafael barely glances at the mirror.

Sonny turns on the water and turns over to Rafael, “May I, Counselor?” he asks, a flirty smile.

Rafael turns and there’s a tug at his lip, “Sure, Detective.”

And just like the night before, Sonny slowly takes off the pieces of clothes but he’s surprised when Rafael does the same to him.

They step into the shower without another word.

They don’t shower together much, due to their impromptu schedules, they only indulge in this luxury once or twice during the week. However, when they’re usually all over each other, Sonny makes sure to go slow, calculating.

“There is no rush.”

He tells Rafael when Sonny slowly rubs the loofah over the expanse of Rafael’s stomach, he brings the loofah side to side and up and down. The air is heavy with unspoken emotion once again and Rafael just watched as Sonny kneels and skin by skin covers Rafael’s thighs and legs with suds of white.

Sonny doesn’t stand until the legs are washed off with water and there are kisses left in their wake.

“Sonny…,” Rafael starts, there’s a flush on his cheeks.

Sonny just quiets him with placating kisses, “It’s okay,” he whispers. Rafael trusts him when he tilts the man’s head back into the water and then shampoos it. The motions are slowed, loving, each scratch of his nails and each caress of his fingers marinate in the touch, the feeling.

They make sure they’re thorough cleaned from head to toe before stepping out.

Sonny takes his time with the towel, first drying Rafael’s hair, then both of his arms, his shoulders, his chest, he pays extra attention to his stomach, he does fleeting touches of Rafael’s cock and ass, down each leg and then back up again. When he stands back up, water droplets running from his hair to his face, Rafael smiles at him.

“I love you.”

And those three little words make everything worth it. He grins stupidly and ducks down to capture Rafael’s lips. They kiss, slow, soft, gentle, their lips move in sync, in tangent. Sonny’s tongue licks at Rafael’s he parts them and Sonny makes his way of exploring everything.

They made out hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times before, but Sonny treats this as his first. Exploring the caverns and hot flesh as if it’s new, even if it’s not, even if Sonny knew Rafael liked it when Sonny wrapped his tongue around his, even if Sonny knew that the clang of their teeth makes Rafael feel like a teenager again. Even if he knew. He treated it as if he didn’t. Not because he lost the old Rafael, but he’s trying to comfort the new one.

Rafael sighs, his hands shake as they grab onto Sonny’s shoulder, the pad of his thumb presses against the shoulder blade.

Nothing about this is new. But yet they dance with nervousness, with anticipation.

They made love before, plenty of times have they took things slow in the bedroom, made the other feel like they reached cloud nine. But this wasn’t make-up sex, this wasn’t I-miss-you sex, this wasn’t you-got-hurt-on-the-job sex. This was I-love-you-with-my-whole-being sex. There was always the I love you in sex but there was never the need to show it.

There’s a need to show it now.

They kiss like drizzling honey, slow, and it comes to a stop when Rafael pulls away, he pants hard and hides his face into Sonny’s neck. Sonny carefully moves them into the bedroom.

“Do you trust me?” Sonny asks as he presses hard kisses onto Rafael’s forehead and hair.

“With everything.”

This is what Sonny has been planning.

There was a mirror, full view, propped against the closed closet door and in front of it was a lounge chair, it was black with armrests on either side, it was a good distance from the floor, perhaps two feet, and near the legs laid out a bottle of lube.


Sonny shushed him again, “Trust me,” he tells, with the lights on, Sonny pulls Rafael over to the chair, he sits down on it first and taps his legs, Rafael hesitates but sits on Sonny’s legs.

That’s when Rafael notices the mirror.

“I can’t do this,” he says quickly, trying to sit up.

“Please, please, Rafael,” Sonny says, just as quickly, pulling the man’s back against his chest. They both have a perfect view of Rafael’s front side, the soft curves of his body, the chest hair, brown nipples, the plush thighs. “Look at yourself for me, please.”

Rafael stops squirming but he doesn’t look at himself, Sonny presses soft kisses against the nape of Rafael’s neck. Sure, Rafael plumped back up from Sonny’s feedings today, but the man still looks vastly different from what Sonny remembers.

Sonny’s hand goes running down Rafael’s chest, from his shoulder blades down to the curve of his stomach. “God, you are so beautiful,” he whispers, and Rafael finally picks up at his head and their eyes meet in the mirror.

Rafael lets out a shaky breath as he looks over himself, Sonny had never seen the man so vulnerable, so uncertain.

“You are everything I could want and more, I know it’s hard for you to believe it, but trust me, I would never and had never thought you were ‘too fat’ or ‘unattractive’ for my standards. I would never settle for you, if anything, you will have to settle for me because every day I need to prove to you and myself that I’m worthy of everything you can or want to give me.”

The confession lays heavy and they’re both still staring at Rafael, Sonny’s fingers deftly brush up and down the soft, pliable stomach.

“As much as you are handsome, beautiful, sexy. Rafael. You are so much more than your body to me.”

Rafael whimpers, something soft in the back of his throat as he turns away. “No, no, baby, please, look at you, look at us, look while I show you how much I love you, how much I want you.”

Sonny’s hand left Rafael’s, his fingers curled around the lube by the peg of the chair and he coated the right-hand digits. Rafael hasn’t said anything, he’s still trapped in his head, but Sonny swears to fix that.

Sonny teases the hole, slowly tracing one finger around it before pushing in. “Watch,” Sonny says, Rafael’s green eyes reappear and just in time to see as his mouth falls a bit open and a small moan leaves them.

“I got so lucky with you,” Sonny continues, he thrusts the digit in and out of the hole, taking his time again, re-exploring discovered caves. He wiggles the finger, presses it against the walls that have since relaxed and loosen up. “Each day I fall more in love with you, even these past two weeks, it only made me love you more since you were away.”

“Sonny…,” Rafael moans out, his face is now a pretty shade of red.

“Just keep your eyes on us, my love, watch as I love you, don't worry, I will love you enough for the both of us,” and he does, he adds a second finger and watches as Rafael’s thighs shake in the mirror, watches as Rafael’s green eyes darts down to his cock as it hardens and grows.

Sonny pumps two fingers now, nice and slow in and out of Rafael, they scissor him and explore and when they crook towards an angle, they make Rafael give a full-body tremble.

“You know, the first thing I liked about you was your body, but in my defense, that was before I talked to you and learned that you were so much more than the hot and sexy A.D.A, you were Rafael Barba, with words as hard as diamonds and heart made out of gold, you were everything I always wanted to find in myself.”

Sonny had opted to massage the small bundle of nerves with his two fingers, in slow circles, mimicking the tick of a clock, with each second, a new circle began. Sonny also decided to make use of his other free hand, while making sure to keep it over Rafael to ensure the man won’t fall (or run) he played with the hardened nubs.

Rafael’s hips bucked, his eyes blinked, and his breathing labored, it was hard to watch himself and Sonny knew, but his green eyes kept the focus on the reflection.

“Do you see?” Sonny asks as he stops his circles, he pulls the two fingers out and then pushes them back in, nice and steady. “How beautiful your body is though? How it takes my fingers so good? How your hole eats anything I give it? And I love that your hole is so greedy for me. Watch it now.”

Rafael’s eyes snap downwards, watching as a third digit pokes at Rafael’s hole before pushing its way in. Rafael lets out a whine as he bucks his hips again, Sonny watches as Rafael’s cock twitch and a little spurt of pre-cum leaves the tip.

“Don’t you see how much I want you?” Sonny asks again, “There is no rush here, we have all the time in the world, my love, and I intend on loving you with every second of it.”

Sonny goes quiet as he preps Rafael, his three fingers making their way to slowly stretch the man out. It’s a beautiful sight to watch as Rafael becomes undone, the simulation from his prostate and nipple alone making his cock leak of pre-cum. Sonny wants Rafael to remember this, remember the slow push and pull of his fingers, remember his soft and honest words, remember how he says: “You’re beautiful,” with all the reverence he can muster.

Because Rafael is beautiful, but he’s so much more.

Sonny only became aware of achingly hard his cock was when he touched it, pulling out the three fingers he goes to lather his cock in lube. He hears a whine from Rafael and smiles.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Sonny whispers into Rafael’s ear, he kisses at Rafael's neck. “We’re gonna take our time.”

Sonny presses his blunt head against the slightly gaped hole and he pushes in. Sonny makes sure the tip slips in before slowing. Sonny has a hand over Rafael’s stomach, feeling as it goes up and down as Rafael takes in breaths of air. Sonny finds one of Rafael’s hands and holds it before pressing it over Rafael’s stomach. Rafael catches his eyes in the mirror again and whines. “Look at you taking my cock,” and as to accentuate, Sonny slips in a bit more. Rafael moans. “Look how you accommodate for me, how can I be anything but lucky to have you?”

“Mi Amor,” Rafael whispers, he’s out of breath and it shows, “I- I can take it, please.”

“I know you can, and you will, but with time, I’m telling ya, Rafi, I’m gonna take you apart, show off every piece of you and love it before putting you back together.”

Rafael moans at his words, his thighs are quivering and he struggles to keep his eyes open.

“That’s right,” Sonny encourages, “just keep those beautiful green eyes on us,” and Sonny’s cock presses in more. Just one more push.

“Y-You’re big,” Rafael huffs.

“And each inch is for you only, now turn your head to the side,” Rafael instantly complies and Sonny pressed their lips together. The angle is not even close to ideal, but the message is sent. Their tongues slip in to play as well and Sonny takes Rafael’s distraction to push himself the rest of the way in. The moan he gets to eat up in return is worth it when Rafael pulls away.

“O-Oh fuck.”

They never really tried this position before, sure, Rafael rode him, but Rafael was usually facing towards him not away when he did.

Sonny had a bit of trouble catching his own breathing, he notices how red his cheeks grown and knows his chest is the same color.

“You’re gonna cum for me like this,” Sonny promises before he moves his hips. The reaction is immediate as Rafael grabs onto the armrests but Sonny feels more pride when those green eyes tear open to see the mirror. Sonny thrust, it’s shallow, and it’s just pushing his cock further into Rafael’s ass. Now, both of his hands run down the sides of Rafael’s soft skin, planting themselves on his hips. “I love your curves, you’re so soft,” he blabbers, it was really for himself but he hopes Rafael finds some pride in it. His fingers curl and pressed into the plush skin, Sonny groans as he helps Rafael move his hips up and back down Sonny’s cock.

They both let out a punched out moan when Rafael does it on his own for the second time.

Rafael goes to do it again, with more speed this time and Sonny stops him, “Take your time, Rafi, take it slow,” and he shows Rafael how helping keep his hips up as hovers a few inches off his cock before falling back down with grace. Sonny had to muffle his moan in Rafael’s neck, “J-Just like that, beautiful.”

And they keep that pace, Rafael slowly dragging himself up Sonny’s cock only to sit back down. There will be no fucking during this. Only the push and pull of their bodies. Only the love and want of their hearts.

The emotion, it is raw, it is heavy, it’s suffocating and relieving at the same time.

They have both resorted to staring at each other in the mirror, Sonny pants and grunts at Rafael’s ear while Rafael moans and whines openly to the mirror.

They continue like this, in perfect motion, in perfect balance, the slow build-up is everything, especially when neither of them is chasing for it. Sonny knows he could stay in this moment forever.

But they’re only human. And the constant stimulation is causing them to go into overdrive. Even Sonny is losing his control, his cock desperate to cum which he’s so close to doing.

“Soleado, please, let us cum,” Rafael’s voice is lower than a whisper.

Sonny thinks and a small smile tugs at his lips, his fingers hold back on to Rafael’s waist, “I want you to say it.”

“Say what?” Rafael asks, his green eyes watching how Sonny’s cock disappear into him again. Sonny can feel the clench.

“Say you’re beautiful.”


“Say it, Rafael, say you’re beautiful.”

“I- but-“

Sonny presses his hips against Rafael and Rafael cries out, “Say it, Rafael, look at us and say you’re beautiful, I know you can.”

Rafael chokes out a breath, “Please Sonny, this is embarrassing-“

“No, it’s not, this is me showing you how much I love you, every bit and every piece,” Rafael sits back down on his cock and they both moan and take a moment to recuperate themselves, “and I know this problem won’t be fixed overnight, but if you can look at us, look at you, and see every beautiful thing I see, it will take you far, so look at us, look at you, and say it.”

Rafael lets out another whimper but he picks his head up, Sonny sees as the man is covered in sweat, hair sticking onto him. Green eyes look up and down at the mirror, Rafael’s lips tremble.

“I’m beautiful,” is the whisper, it’s soft and barely there. Sonny is now in control and he lifts Rafael with ease before pushing him back into his cock.

“Again,” Sonny grunts, kissing and biting at Rafael’s neck.

“I-I’m beautiful,” despite the stutter, it’s louder than before and Sonny repeats the movement, once, twice. “I’m beautiful,” is the cry Sonny gets for his efforts.

Their eyes lock, Sonny is just lifting and dropping Rafael on and off his cock, their moans grow louder and louder but neither takes their eyes off the scene, bouncing between the way Rafael eats every bit of Sonny’s cock to the loving glares in both of their eyes.

Sonny’s cock then hits Rafael’s prostate, dead on and Rafael shakes, his hole clenches as his eyes find Sonny’s, “I’m beautiful,” is the last words out of his mouth before Rafael cums onto his own chest.

Sonny can’t help but watch as Rafael’s body quivers, how his mouth falls open, and his eyes, while still on the mirror, unfocused and flutters open and shut.

Just like that Sonny is gone too, his cock buried itself deep within Rafael’s ass and cums. He doesn’t even muffle his moan.

They’re twitching from the afterglow, Sonny helping them both to ride their orgasms until they completely slump against the backside of the chair. Sonny is the first to catch his breath.

“You’re beautiful and yet so much more.”

And then he hears a sniffle, confused, Sonny instantly looks into the mirror just in time to see a tear fall from Rafael’s eyes.

“Oh baby, I’m-“ Sonny starts but gets cut off.

“I love you,” Rafael says, “I love you.”

Whatever Sonny was about to say does on his tongue, he wraps his arms around Rafael’s waist and pulls the man closer than possible.

“I love you, too, I love you so much.”

They sit there, waiting for Rafael to calm down and once the man does Sonny helps Rafael off of his spent cock. However, upon standing, Rafael immediately starts to fall to the ground, however, Sonny was there to help balance him and walk Rafael over to their bed.

They both let out a laugh as Rafael planted himself on the bed.

“I can’t move for a week thanks to someone,” his tone light, teasing.

Sonny’s eyebrows perked up in faux interest, “What? I wonder who that could be,” he murmurs, looking around for an invisible culprit, that only makes Rafael laugh again and Sonny eats it up. Sonny looks at the tear stains and kisses both of Rafael's cheeks lightly, “I’ll be right back.”

He goes to the bathroom and fetches a rag, once he cleans himself off he runs the hot water over it, wring it out, and goes back into the bedroom. He watches as Rafael’s eyes flutter back open.

Sonny takes his time making sure to clean Rafael’s skin and hole, the rag lingers for a bit longer than needed but neither of them makes a comment on it.

“I didn’t mean to uh-“ Rafael starts, but loses his words.

Sonny understands, “It's okay that you did, I’m not judging you, Rafael, I don’t think I ever could over something like that,” he tosses the rag towards the general direction of the hamper. “But just know, I meant every single word and we’re going to work on this self-esteem issue, together, yeah?”

Rafael looks up at him, green eyes big and sincere, the battle in them finally ceased, “Yeah.”

And they won the battle, now they just have to win the war.