The rustle of sheets was obscenely loud in Retsuko’s otherwise silent apartment as she pressed herself down into the bedding, sharp teeth ripping into her pillow at the way she rubbed her own clit. Hungry, familiar, vicious. Tears stung the edges of her eyes, not unlike the sting of Tadano’s goodbye.
Don’t think about him.
But it was hard, so hard, when she could so clearly remember the way his hands rested against her cheeks, thumbs stroking the fur there as he pounded deep, eyes hooded and mouth falling open as he found a rhythm. He’d been so intent on pleasing her, determined to watch her come again and again even as he clutched at her for balance.
Retsuko had always laughed after, joking tiredly that it was one of the few times that Tadano was actually energetic. He was too laid-back to even be offended, eyes more hooded than usual as he drew her close. The fondness in his gaze after sex had made her heart soar.
Biting harder into the downy cotton of her pillow, she tried to fight the memories away. Her body thrummed with it, hole fluttering as another dribble of thin liquid soaked into her fur. She felt empty, but there was nothing she could use. She’d had no interest in penetration until Tadano, not even enough to order a dildo online.
The thought of ordering one now was laughable. No silicone or glass could ever compare to the way he’d felt inside her, thick and warm as he’d split her open. She was always ready by the time he finally pressed in, reeling from the heat of his tongue working over her slit and coy lips wrapping around her sensitive little bundle of nerves.
“You take me so good, baby girl. Shh, just like that.”
The petite panda buried her face in the fabric and whined, chest heaving as her ex-boyfriend’s voice bounced around inside her head, mocking her in dulcet tones. She could nearly feel it now, the way the head of his cock had pressed against her edges before finally popping through and sliding home. It never stung for long, not long enough to deter her.
Then came the nudge of it against her wet insides, spongy but still so firm. Insistent, because Tadano knew what he wanted (and he’d wanted her).
“Tell me how you want it. Can’t give it to you right if I don’t know, can I?”
“Mmf!” Retsuko half-gasped, half-grunted into the pillow, eyes rolling back in her head as she jammed her fingers more violently against her clit. She’d read that going this hard could cause permanent damage, that she could end up numb, but after so many years of getting herself off this way, it was near impossible to come otherwise.
And this was how he’d done it, always so eager to watch her fall apart under his touch. Her legs fell open, claws just barely poking out from the tips of her fingers.
The burn rose hot and sudden. It was a shock after nearly half an hour spent trying to work herself up, touching herself with a stubborn edge before it finally started to feel right. There was no denying what had her body blazing now though. She whined low and long, jaws parting to release her pillow as she chased the lightning zinging through her hips.
“Don’t—stop!” She squeaked aloud, eyes flying open at the overwhelming pleasure before squeezing shut. All she could think about as the waves of need rolled over her was the way Tadano had never been able to restrain himself toward the end, shoving her down and grinning as she begged for his knot.
She could see him then, hovering over her with wild eyes as he fucked into her body, fingers digging into her thighs like he’d die if he let go.
“I love you, I love you — fuck, I really — ”
A choked cry caught in the woman’s throat and she sat up halfway, fingers working over her clit in tight circles as her legs shook. Unable to control her body any longer, her jaw dropped open again as she wrenched the rapture out of herself.
As good as the sex had been, the part Retsuko missed most would always come after. The few minutes before sleep when Tadano had nothing to offer but easy smiles and and easier kisses, his thick mane a mess above awe-struck eyes.
He’d looked at her like the second coming of Christ. Not for the first time, remorse coiled in her gut.
It’s not too late, urged a voice at the back of her mind. This isn’t like Shirota. You still have time. Text him. Tell him.
The night went still and cold around her again. She didn’t have it in her. She wasn’t brave enough, not when she’d been the one to take everything they’d built and send it tumbling.
This was the price of her aspirations, and she wasn’t sure if it was worth the cost just yet.
Breath caught and body heavy, the tears Retsuko felt at the edges of her vision finally slid down her face. She had work in the morning, after all.