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my lucifer is lonely

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Rey was left with a choice. She was staring at the man who had risked his life to come over here and save her. What had he been thinking? Seriously? In front of her was the man that had molded her into what she was today — too. She had a choice. Play it safe. Kill the man in front of her, or take a chance. She cleared her mind. “My worthy apprentice, daughter abandoned in the dark, a nobody who molded herself into something greater. Where there was conflict, I now sense resolve. Where there was weakness, strength. Now, complete your training and fulfill your destiny.” 

“Rey,” Ben’s lip was quivering, he was struggling. He really was. Rey picked up her lightsaber from the cold floor. 

“I know what I have to do,” 

“You think you can turn her? You’re as pathetic as Luke Skywalker. I cannot be betrayed, I cannot be beaten.” It took everything in her to stay calm when she knew that she wanted to panic. Every time she was around Ben Solo she was like that, he made her irrational in some ways but forced her to stay calm in others. “I can see her mind, her every intention. She is turning the lightsaber to strike true, and now she ignites it and kills his true enemy—” Rey made her decision just then. She killed Snoke. It was a very anticlimatic feeling really. 

She watched his body hit the floor, and at the time she felt nothing. Like she was going into another world. That’s when Luke’s lightsaber flew right into Ben’s hands and he got up. The both of them stared at each other for a few seconds, and Rey came back down from that few seconds of a panic attack. They both felt — relieved? Despite the impending danger. They fought hard. There was something new in Ben when he fought. 

Something that was almost feral. It scared Rey a little when she felt it through the Force, because it felt like her. But she let it go. When everything was said and done, it would just be her and Ben. Her and Ben. The thing that she was fighting for were those soft, intimate moments. The ones where she didn’t feel so alone. 

She didn’t have to feel so alone to get everything she wanted. And then they were dead. All of the guards were dead. Ben was surveying the carnage around him, “If we call the fleet off now there won’t be any casualties.” Rey was zoning out, staring at Snoke’s dead body. What now? “Rey? You okay?” 

Rey shook her head. “The fleet?” She reached out for the comm on her belt. “This is Rey from the First Order, reaching out to General Hux. General Hux, come on in.” 

“This is General Hux. What do you want, Rey?” He sounded annoyed. 

“Call off the fleets,” 

“What? Why?” 

“It’s not in your best interest to waste money and fuel shooting out all of the Resistance when they’re not even all on that planet. Plus they have backup coming.” 

“We can handle backup.” 

“You will call off the fleet for now and await further instructions,” She said. 

“I will call off the fleet and await further instructions.” The fleet was starting to come back. Rey turned to Ben. “You happy?” Ben smiled half heartedly and sighed. That smile didn’t last for long though. 

“Yes,” He said. “You should come with me. Now that the fleet’s gone and Snoke’s dead—” 

“Snoke’s dead.” Rey repeated. “The Supreme Leader is dead.” 

“Rey,” 

“Sometimes you have to let go of the past, kill it if you have to.” She turned back to Ben. “Your parents sold you off to your uncle and didn’t start talking to you again until they deemed you useful. The next pawn in the Skywalker legacy. You should come with me. We could rule together, forget about the Sith and the Jedi. It’d just be us. Just us. We could fix all of the things that are wrong with this galaxy.” 

“Rey,” 

“Listen to me, Ben.” She took a step forward. “Maybe the force wasn’t meant to be separated into two sides. Maybe that’s why the galaxy has been at war for such a long time. This could be our purpose—” Rey took another step forward to him, this time her gloves were on. “Please.” Ben just stared at her hand for a second, his lip quivered. 

“My mother needs me,” Rey’s hand dropped, her jaw was set square. 

“So it’s going to be like that, is it?” Rey said. 

“Rey, you sh—” 

She grabbed her comm before Ben could say anything else, “I changed my mind. Focus all of the fleet and as many other stormtroopers you can spare on Crait. I want it bloody and I want it fast. Got it?” 

“Got it.” The comm shut off and Ben’s eyes widened. Rey’s cheek twitched, she felt the thin ‘x’ shaped scar on her cheek more than ever. A reminder of Ben. She would always have that remind of Ben Solo. 

“What did you do?” 

“Go,” Rey said, “I think you have about five minutes before they get down there. What? Did you think that I just called off the fleet out of the kindness of my heart? Go, now. Before I change my mind and have you detained.” She wasn’t going to try and fight him. If he won and knocked her out, then he would take her to the Resistance. 

They would put her on display and use her as an example. She would be paraded around planets and made fun of before coming to a grizzly end. People would laugh and put her on display for Show and Tell, telling the stories of the monster in a mask, a girl weakened by love. Why did she ever think that she could be in love? Seriously? Why did she think that? 

Weak. 

Stupid. 

She was so stupid. Ben left, and Rey let him leave. She was hoping that he would stay, hoping that he would tell her that he changed his mind. He didn’t. She didn’t know why she expected that. Skywalkers were all stubborn, all assholes. She hoped that Crait burned. She hoped that Ben hurt for that choice. 

Chapter Text

Five Months Later

 

Rey sat in the throne room. It had been redone to suit her personal wants and needs, the garrishness of Snoke’s throne room was gone. It was a little more welcoming than before. Lights. A carpet. No Praetorian Guards. Something that Snoke never understood was that meetings with allies would be more possible if you could give them at least the slightest sense of welcome. Rey had always thought that maybe he wasn’t keen on meeting with them though, and had the General stick to that sort of thing. Rey was different. 

She liked to know what was going on, and not just get second hand information from the General. This earned in some sense of respect from Hux and his colleagues, something that she had never intended on earning but was glad that she did. It gave her a sense of security where she might not’ve had it before. She had turned away from focusing on the Resistance, and it made the First Order a better place because of it. 

They were currently dealing with a rather unruly planet whose millionaires were raising a big fuss on some newly imposed workers sanctions that forced them to pay the people in their employment a livable wage. “You have millions of credits in your bank accounts, you can give your employees a five credit raise.” She said. “It’s not that big of a deal.” 

“You don’t understand,” They would say, “if you raise the living wage everything else in the economy will spike and the wage will be livable no more. Thus the vicious cycle continues.” 

“If the economy is affected by someone being paid more than half a credit an hour, then there is something wrong with your economy. You will impose these sanctions and pay your workers the proper amount or I will send in people to enforce it, and you will not like what they do.” That would get the message across. No one doubted her. She liked that. Liked the power that was associated with it. 

**

Ben Solo knew that anything he did to try and help the Resistance was useless. No one wanted to help him or anyone that was associated with the Resistance. Seeing them on their planet was like a death sentence, ready for them to see a shadow of Death knocking on their door. So, most days he stayed in bed and didn’t get up. No one pressured him — they knew that something bad happened. 

Luke more than anyone. “I’m not going to tell you I told you so,” He said, “but I told you so.” He was referring to Rey, when the two of them had gotten off Crait. “Some people don’t come back from the dark side.” Ben didn’t say anything, he hadn’t spoken in a while. There was this crushing weight on him most of the time. He didn’t speak for five months — and then Rose knocked on the door to his room. He opened it. 

“You’re not gonna mope around anymore,” She said. Rose and Ben barely knew each other, but there were some things about him that reminded of Rey. Mainly her persistence. “We’re going out and we’re going to get food and have a good time, and you’re going to tell us why you’ve been moping around for five months, even though you’re the reason that we survived Crait.” 

“Rose—” His voice was scratchy from disuse. 

“No, get up. Get dressed. Meet us at the hangar in five. If you’re not there I will get Chewbacca to bring you to the hangar on his back.” 

“Okay, I got the message.” 

“Good. See you in five.” She was serious. When Ben showed up five minutes late, Rose looked relieved. 

“I told you five minutes,” 

“Ben’s always late,” Poe smirked, “but hey, at least he’s here.” 

“I haven’t seen you in a month, buddy.” Finn hugged him out of nowhere and Ben just stood there. “You ready?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” 

**

Five Months Earlier

 

Rey was getting her check up with a med bot when it asked her if she wanted the scar on her cheek lasered off. At first she thought about it a little, just another way to get rid of Ben Solo. But she didn’t go through with it. She liked it there. It reminded her of a time where she almost had everything. 

**

Five Months Later

 

“Are you really ordering a new wardrobe?” Hux asked when he looked at the expenses. 

“We just came in to a five billion credit shipment of black kyber crystal and you’re worried about me ordering a new wardrobe? The First Order’s bank accounts have been doing better than ever. Some shoes and dresses aren’t going to make it any different.” Hux shook his head. 

“I will never understand—” 

“Understand what?” She asked. “Fashion? It’s great. You should try it some time, instead of wearing your uniform everywhere.” 

“You know that we’re not allowed to do that.” Rey shrugged when he said that. 

“Sucks for you, I guess.” There were some days that were a lot slower than others. Days that Rey hated. This was one of those days. She tried on her new dresses and shoes and spent hours going over beautiful fabrics that would give her great but practical ensembles. Her favorites were the combat boots with straps that allowed the storage of a lightsaber or a knife. The soles were a bright red too. 

There was something about putting on some new boots that acted as some sort of safety blanket. The Force opened up between Rey and Ben when she was taking off the shoes and starting to unzip the front of the black top she had been trying on. She could see him in the mirror. His pale skin turning a rosy pink color when he saw she was changing. Rey kept undressing, even if she knew he was there. 

It took him a second to avert his eyes, “Rey—” She didn’t answer. Just put on her robe and walked past him and to her bed. “Rey, I know that you can hear me.” Rey grabbed the holopad next to her bed and started watching some trashy romance. “Ignoring me? That’s real mature.” She could tell that he had been drinking a bit. 

Maybe that was why he was being stupid and talking to her again, even after he left her like that. “I’m sorry,” The female protagonist of the holopad movie said, “but you’ve called at a bad time. Every time is probably going to be a bad time.” She almost laughed, knowing that Ben would hear that. The force closed off not long after that and she shut the holopad off and laid back in her bed. 

That damned scar on her cheek started to ache again. Rey wondered if it was always going to be like this. Ignoring Ben Solo until he went away, dealing with the constant phantom pains that the thin and jagged ‘x’ shaped scar his lightsaber had made on her face, crying in bed. In another life, Ben Solo would be in bed right next to her. 

He would tell her that she was okay, and that she was strong enough to get through any hardship that she faced. Except you aren’t, love made you weak. Snoke’s voice echoed in Rey’s head. Rey hated it. She hated that all she got out of doing something that she thought was right was being haunted by her abuser. 

She closed her eyes, knowing that she wasn’t going to sleep, and just stayed there until she felt like getting back up again and working. It was like this for several weeks. The force would open, like the wound in Rey’s heart that hadn’t completely healed yet. Rey would be doing something important and Ben would try and talk to her. Rey would tune him out. 

**

Ben didn’t think that not being able to talk to Rey was going to be such a problem. But it was. He kept trying to talk to her, despite Luke telling him not to. Despite Luke saying that it was a stupid thing to do. When he wasn’t talking to her, he was training, finding enough food to feed everyone, or sleeping. There was no inbetween. He barely saw Rose, Poe, or Finn at all. When he did, they were concerned about him. One day he was in the mess hall, eating across from Rose when she said, “So I know you said nothing bad happened, but you were lying. Weren’t you?” Ben paused. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“You’re acting like you just went through a really bad break up.” She paused. “Are you going through a really bad break up?” 

“I wish,” That was actually a really apt guess. 

“Then tell me what’s going on.” 

“You can’t tell Poe or Finn.” Ben told her. She nodded. 

“I won’t tell Poe or Finn,” Ben led her out of the mess hall and to a corridor no one was in. “Are you going to tell me now?” 

“Yeah,” Ben shook his head, “I just wanted to make sure that no one heard this.” 

“Okay,” Rose was looking up at him with concern, “what?” 

“I went to Rey on the Finalizer,” 

“What?” 

“That’s exactly what I didn’t want to happen.” Ben said. 

“Why did you go to Rey—?” 

“Because something happened. The Force connected us and I saw something, like a vision of her coming back to the light. And then I learned why she had gone to the dark side in the first place. It was Luke’s fault. So I wanted to help her. I thought that maybe she just needed a little bit of help to get back to the light side.” 

“So you went to her,” 

“She saved my life and killed Snoke,” 

“Holy shit,” 

“Yeah, I know. Right?” 

“But she didn’t want to come back to the light side because she was scared and thought that you were asking a lot of her, so that’s why Rey’s the Supreme Leader.” 

“Yes,” 

“That’s rough,” Rose said. “Have you told Leia about this?” Ben shook his head no. “Have you told anyone else except Luke about this?” 

“No.” 

“I think that’s best for now, but you’re going to have to tell someone else about this..connection that you have with her.” He knew that she was right, but he didn’t want to. He dreaded the day that that conversation was going to come up. They were quiet for a minute before Rose asked, “Do you love her?” 

**

One Month Later

 

Three hundred thousand slavers dead and gone, Jakku wiped off of the map, crime starting to go down in the galaxy. Rey felt satisfied with her achievements, but there was still something there that was missing. She replaced the hole in her heart with new outfits, new weapons. Buying the stuff that she wanted was a good way to ignore her problems for a little while, but when she was alone in the dim lighting in her room, she cried. 

She would stop when the Force opened up and showed Ben what was going on, pretending to be asleep. He stopped trying to talk to her. Sometimes she would see him depressed too. Silently crying and gripping his sheets, or he would toss and turn under the sheets as he slept. When he was asleep Rey would dare to get closer, stroke his long black locks until he stilled. Then she would lay down and try to go to sleep herself. 

She never thought anything of it, it was just instinct. When he was calm, she was calm too, and she could go to sleep. 

**

Ben was in bed, warm from blankets, a delicate hand stroking his hair. “Did I wake you?” He turned to see Rey there, smiling. The scar on her cheek was so light that it almost looked like it wasn’t there. He was about to ask if this was a dream when she kissed him atop his cheek, and he knew it was. She continued to stroke his hair. “Your mother took Hannah with her for the day, so it’s just the two of us alone.” Rey smiled like something Ben had never seen before. It was the best thing he had ever seen. 

“Good,” 

“What do you want to do?” 

“Cuddle,” Rey smiled, “I thought that you would say that.” She nuzzled into him and Ben felt whole for the few minutes that they cuddled.  The scene morphed into something else, something that Ben hadn’t seen before. 

When Ben had won the lightsaber fight, he really hadn’t meant to hurt Rey. The ‘x’ shaped scar had been an accident due to the world falling apart. He never really knew how she recovered from that. But now he saw… her laying down, shaking, sweating, in pain. “You think she’s going to make it?” Captain Phasma said. 

“God, I hope not.” Hux said. “She’s annoying.” 

“I hope she does,” Phasma said, “I can’t be the only woman in power around here.” 

So much pain. Ben wanted to reach out and console her. “She’s in the grave she made for herself when she killed her parents.” Hux shrugged. The scene morphed before Ben could really start to get angry. The transition from a happy dream to a nightmare almost gave Ben whiplash. 

He had four good dreams and four bad dreams that night. A dream where the two of them cuddled, a dream where Rey sat in his lap as he read poetry, a dream where they found a home, a dream where he proposed to her and she said yes. Those were the dreams that he wanted to focus on, not the others. 

But it seemed that his mind wasn’t done hyperfocusing on Rey, it had one last thing there for him. He was in the throne room in handcuffs, but something was different. Rey was sitting on the throne. “You know, you’ve been a bad boy.”Ben’s eyes widened when she saw what she was wearing. Black lingerie that showed off her legs, making them look like they were the best thing in the universe. They weren’t the most revealing things ever, but Rey didn’t need her clothing to be revealing to make Ben start to sweat.  She chuckled a little to herself as she got off the throne, feeling darker. “Coming here, to me, thinking that I’m going to come back to the light. That’s just pathetic.” Something in Ben quaked, but it wasn’t fear.

He wasn’t sure what it was. “Get on your knees,” 

“What?” 

“Get on your knees, traitor.” 

He did exactly as she asked. “What are you going to do to me?” His lip quivered as a gloved hand reached up to stroke his face. She looked down at him with something dark in her eyes. She looked like she was going to devour him whole, and Ben wanted her to. Her gloved hand went down to his throat, slowly pressing down on his windpipe. 

“Why should I let you live?” 

“Because we’re connected,” He said, “because I know that you want me.” She laughed a little bit.  Rey pressed down on his windpipe a little bit more. 

“Oh,” He started to feel a little bit of fear creep up him, but mostly just that thing that he wasn’t sure how to deal with. “But the question is, do you want me?” She pushed him to the ground hard and clambered on top of him, pressing a light kiss into his neck. 

“I think you know the answer to that.” The kiss turned into more of a bite, although it was more pleasurable than anything else. Ben wished he could take her clothes off, but he was powerless. Helpless. She sat up, her ass rubbing against the tent in his trousers. He bucked into her and she smiled. 

“You’re not getting off that easy,” 

**

 

Ben woke up with a boner and really, really embarrassed. He had never had a dream like that before. He was glad that Rey couldn’t see him at a time like that, whimpering in his bed and pathetic. The sheets were too hot then, as he thought about all the things she had done to him. There was more to the dream than he cared to share with others. 

More that he hoped that Rey would never have to see. He ended up having to go to the fresher to fully satisfy himself before he started his day. Luke gave him an odd look when he saw him in the mess hall that morning. “What’s wrong with you?” 

“Didn’t get much sleep,” Ben said. Why would he ever tell anyone what had happened? Why would he tell Luke of all people? Luke shook his head. 

“You’d tell me if there was something wrong, right?” 

“Sure,” 

“Cuz’ you didn’t tell me about—” 

“I don’t want to talk about her.” He said. 

“Well I think that we’re going to have to,” Ben was ready to book it out of the mess hall at this point, he didn’t want to have this conversation. Least of all with his uncle. “She is the Supreme Leader, now. The ultimate threat.” 

“She hasn’t attacked us in six months, I think that the more immediate threat is how are we going to feed the few people that we do have.” 

“Yes, but are you in contact...with her. Still.” 

“No,” He had tried. She hadn’t answered. 

“Good, if you do get her to reach out to you, tell me. I may be able to help you bl—” Before Luke could finish his sentence Rose was right next to him. 

“Finn and Poe are having a picnic,” She said, “I assumed that Ben could get away from his boring Jedi stuff to come have some fun for a bit?” Before Luke could say anything, Rose continued, “Great. Bye, Luke. See ya’ later. We can play cards.” She yanked Ben along with her so hard that he nearly fell flat on his face. They left the mess hall and Rose said, “Don’t hate me.” 

“What? Why would I hate you?” Ben’s head was still reeling from this morning. 

“I told Finn and Poe,” Her eyes were wide, and she flinched when Ben dropped his food. 

“What?” 

“I told Finn and Poe, because they were concerned about you and I thought that they should know. Ben, don’t hate me. They both promised that they weren’t going to tell the General so it’s okay, right?” 

“I doubt that Dameron will keep the General from knowing anything, especially if it will get the Resistance the upperhand. Why did you do that?” Rose gave him a doe eyed look. 

“Because when you’re depressed, your friends should be able to help and they needed to know what was going to be able to help, Ben. Believe it or not all of us like you a lot and we were really concerned about you after Crait.” That made Ben’s temper start to cool down as he stared at his food. 

“Shit,” 

Having the conversation with Finn and Poe was something that he had not wanted to have to endure, but it happened anyways over a picnic. Poe, understandably, wasn’t sure about Ben talking positively about Rey, but then Finn said something. “I haven’t told anyone this, but I knew Rey when she was still in her training. Like the tail end of it. Before I left… um.. She used to wipe the stormtroopers records when she could to keep them from having to report to reconditioning. Did that for me a few times and then...something changed. Like she was broken, I don’t know how to describe it because it’s not an excuse but, I get that. I don’t think that she’s completely lost to dark.” With some vindication, Ben talked of her more, of the Force and their connection, and Dameron seemed to understand. 

“Damn, flyboy. You’re fucked.” Poe laughed. 

“What?” 

“You’re in love with her,” 

“No I am not.” 

“Yes, you are.” 

“No, I am not.” Ben tried to be more persistent. Rose snickered a little bit. 

“You totally are,” 

“She’s just a really good friend,” Everyone raised their eyebrow at that. Ben felt like he needed a drink. 

**

That night, the Force connected when Ben was shirtless. 

Again. 

Not that Rey minded. 

He didn’t speak, and for a minute Rey considered ignoring him, but she couldn’t. Knowing what she knew was too good. “You know,” She took off one earring and set it down on her dresser, “if I knew that you wanted to be dominated like that I would have put that in my offer in the throne room.” She saw Ben get visibly red through the mirror and she smiled, feeling some sort of victory.

“You saw that?” He asked. He felt horrified. 

“Yeah,” Rey turned around and nodded.  All she was wearing was a black silk robe to maintain her decency. He tried to turn away from her and cover himself up, he ended up just putting his head in his hands and swearing softly. “I saw all of that. It was cute.” That only seemed to make the blushing worse and Rey smiled. He shook his head, as if trying to come out of some sort of spell. 

“I don’t normally do that,” 

“But it is normal. To do that.” She said. “Everyone does it,” 

“Yeah but—” 

“You didn’t want to do that. With me.” Her voice was starting to sound more irritated than she wanted. Was he really that disgusted of her? Did he not want to be with a monster like her? Parent Killer. Daughter of Death. Destroyer of Worlds. Ben’s breath hitched and he got back up, glaring at her. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“It’s the Force, it’s hardly like I can control it.” She shrugged. 

“Yeah, but you’ve been ignoring me for six months. Only to start talking to me again. Now?” 

“Yeah,” Rey said, she got up too. “What did you think was going to happen, dumbass? You left. ” That seemed to knock him down a peg or two. 

“Why are you mad?” He sounded like he was about to cry, and honestly, Rey hated him for it. Really? He was about to cry. “I did what I had to do,” 

“I offered you everything!” She gripped the sides of robe, clawing into her skin, she was starting to break the skin under the fabric. 

“I didn’t want everything, when are you going to see that?” Rey stared at him for a minute before shaking her head and laughing. “What?” Rey kept laughing. “Rey, what’s so funny?” 

“Nothing,” Rey sniffed after a minute, “just can’t believe that I thought you were my friend.” The force bond closed before she could deliver any more verbal punches, and she just walked over to her bed, sinking down in the red sheets and closing her eyes. You blew it again, she thought to herself.

Chapter Text

 

Rey was six years old when she started to present her powers of the Force. She doesn’t remember if the people who had taken her in were her real parents or not, but that’s what she remembered thinking of them as. She was six years old and they would clothe her, bathe her, feed her, give her toy speeders and things to read. But they were terrified of her. Even if she didn’t know it at the time. “You have a special power,” She didn’t know if it was her mother or father that told her this. “One that needs to be taught how to be used for good. We’re going to take you to a man who can help.” 

At seven years old, they made the trip to the Jedi Academy. Rey didn’t remember much about Luke Skywalker. She knew that he looked like a kind old man who had the weight of the world on his shoulders. She smiled the first time that she saw him and he smiled back. He told her that he would have to give her a test, before she was able to enter the academy. He told her that she would have to stay with her parents for the night. That’s when she saw her parents disappointment. 

That’s when she realized for the first time that her parents didn’t want her, but she smiled and tried to keep calm. She wasn’t going to cry in front of this man. Luke seemed to notice something too. The next day something happened, Rey couldn’t remember what the event was that made Luke reject her from the Academy. But she remembered crying. She knew that whatever was going to happen next wasn’t going to be good. 

“Please,” she was just a little girl and she was begging on her knees. “Please, they don’t want me anymore. Please just take me in.” 

**

Rey was nineteen going on twenty and she would not get down on her knees anymore. She would not grovel for the respect of others. And everyone knew that. The way she walked into a room like she knew the very importance of her aid to the First Order. She proved useful in battle strategy, although headstrong and stubborn, she returned Hux’s barbed insults with the same amount of wit but more playfulness, and she didn’t treat people like shit. 

Her people loved her. 

The Resistance on the other hand… She could tell that they were struggling every single time that she saw Ben through the Force. She hated him. She really did. She hated what he made her do, that he didn’t let her take care of him like she wanted. She would’ve left the Resistance alone if he had listened. 

**

Luke heard of a ring of children that were made to fight against each other in order to become a student under Supreme Leader Snoke’s privilege. It made him sick to think about it, but it made him glad that he had a good grasp on the kids that he was teaching. “You ever think that maybe we should go help them,” Ben asked. Ben had a bleeding heart. He always had. He got emotional easily but instead of trying to quell that, Luke just tried to teach him better coping mechanisms than bottling it all up inside like he used to when he was a kid. 

“We don’t even know if this ring really exists, it’s just rumors.” 

“But the First Order exists, and we know for a fact that they aren’t beneath robbing cradles for the Storm trooper academy.” He knew Ben was right, but most of the people here were not ready for such grave missions. 

“Just read your texts, Ben.” He said tiredly. 

“Why are we changing the subject? I just feel like we could help.” 

“Most of the kids there won’t want help from Jedi,” He told him. “If we weren’t killed by the First Order they would surely turn on us.” Ben just stared at him. That night, the dream he had, the nightmare. It was so vivid. There was a young girl, tall and slender, but muscly none the less. 

“You know as an old man you don’t look that threatening,” She said, “Thought you’re be more of a monster.” A chill went down his back and he didn’t know why. Why did he feel his heart beating in his chest? “You probably don’t remember me, do you?” 

“Who are you?” The girl nodded, a nightmarish glint in her eye. There was a small tug on the hem of his shirt and a small girl got on her hands and knees and started crying. Please. Please, please. Please. Please, they’re going to take me away. “Stop this.” 

“Remember me now?” 

“Yes,” He said, “Rey, have you come to tell me you’re going to kill my family.” Rey came out of the dark and eyed him. 

“Kill you?” She said. “Please, I don’t want it to be that easy for you. That’s why I’m going to tell you this and you’re only going to hear it from me once. You have five hours to evacuate the Academy before Snoke’s students get to you.” 

“Does that include you?” 

“No,” Rey said. She shuddered a little bit. “But that doesn’t matter. I’d like to watch you burn but I don’t think that anyone else in your Jedi Academy should. You better hurry. Make sure your nephew is safe.” Luke woke up in a cold sweat, things were already on fire.

**

Rey had scars on her hands. That’s why she wore gloves. The first time she had touched a boy with her bare hands was when she touched hands with Ben Solo. Ben said he didn’t see scars on her hands. 

Ben didn’t see scars on her hands, but that was all she saw. 

So many scars. 

She had a problem with intimacy. The first time she touched Ben Solo was the first time she had been intimate with each other. Of course, it wasn’t the first time that she had been sexual with someone, but she didn’t consider that intimate in the slightest bit. 



**

“Are you really going to keep doing this?” Rey shot down a shipment of weapons that the Resistance had coming to them. “I know what you did to those weapons.” Rey stared blankly to the open spot on the table she was sitting at. She was physically exhausted. “To the people on that ship.” Rey knew that she shouldn’t care about his judgement. She had riots to quell, jobs to fill. “I know that this isn’t like you, Rey. So why are you making decisions like this?” 

Rey was so tired. She just closed her side of the bond again. Afterwards she went to train, she felt like she needed to cut some things down. That made her feel whole again for a little while. Then she began the construction of something she knew would be unhealthy for her. The construction of a ring made from kyber crystal. 

This time she heard a voice that she wasn’t used to hearing. That of Luke Skywalker. What do you hope to achieve by this? She tried to push him out of her head. He didn’t get to judge her, especially because of what he did to her. How badly he ruined her life. 

 

**

Rey came to Ben in his dreams, but it wasn’t Rey. It was a dream, really. The two of them sat in his bed. She didn’t look at him. Slowly, he untied the ribbons that held her dress together. He watched as her pale skin shivered under his touch. He had never seen her so vulnerable. After he took her dress off she pulled up the covers and laid back on him, closing her eyes. “Do you know what I’m thinking?” She asked him. 

“No,” He tried not to invade Rey’s head like that. He didn’t want to invade her privacy. 

“I want to stay like this forever,” She told him, “I’m so tired.” 

“I’m tired too.” If she wanted to stay like this forever why didn’t she come back to the base with him? She could have. She would’ve had to pay for her crimes but it was better than being in a place where she had no real friends and a certainty of death that loomed above her shoulders every day like an angry storm cloud. He wished he could stay in his dream forever, but he was woken up. 

By none other than his uncle. He didn’t look pleased. 

“I think that we have to talk,” 

**

“Of course my only good dream is ruined by Luke Skywalker,” Rey muttered as she got up. Everything hurt. In that familiar dull ache of something Rey always dreaded. “Fuck,” When she got to the bridge, Hux eyed her in a strange manner. “What do you want?” 

“Nothing,” He said. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“You look like you’ve been struck by lightning.” She killed Snoke and couldn’t deal with bad period cramps well enough that people couldn’t tell if she was on her period or not. Great. At such an inopportune time too. “You know, Supreme Leader. I do appreciate your more hands on approach, but if you are feeling unwell you can simply go rest in your bedroom.” She ignored Hux’s advice for a few hours before she finally had to call it quits and go to her room. Her bed was like the sweet release of death. 

**

The most annoying thing about the Force was that he could feel almost everything that Rey felt when she let him. It seemed like she wanted to inflict pain on him today. He remembered excusing himself in the middle of a meeting because of the sudden pain in organs that weren’t supposed to be there. “ Rey, ” 

Shut up, your voice sounds like nails grating against paristeel.” 

“Haven’t you taken pain killers?” 

“Enough to kill a bantha, haven’t set in yet.” 

I didn’t know they could get this bad, you need to get it checked out. ” He could feel Rey roll her eyes as Ben made it to his bed and buried his head in his pillow. 

Wow, a man who's never had a period, telling me to get something that is completely normal checked out by a doctor. You’re so funny. ” He turned around, almost wanting to ask her to close the bond just so he didn’t have to feel this. God, how was she even living right now? He got back up and went to BB-8. “Hey little buddy, I need you to order something and send it out for me.” 

**

A day later Rey got delivered a box of chocolates, set in a box sitting on red velvet with a note. Hope this helps - Ben Solo

Chapter Text

“She’s a lost cause,” 

That was something Rey had heard one too many times. Luke Skywalker had said it, her parents had said it and now Brendol Hux said it was he stood before the Supreme Leader. Rey had been told to bite her tongue, had been told that she was not worth the opportunity like this. The Supreme Leader was a big, grotesque old man, his skin looked like melted wax. 

Rey was nine years old and she was scared of him. Her palms cut into the meat of her palm and she tried not to shake. She would not cry. That made her weak. “Well,” Snoke said, “what do you have to say for yourself. Why are you a lost cause?” 

“I am not a lost cause. ” Rey told him. “The old man is just bitter that I put his son in his place.” Snoke laughed when Rey met the bitter end of Brendol’s punishment. An open palm to the face. The inside of her mouth filled with blood as she crumpled to the floor. 

“Give her a break, Hux.” He said. “I’ll handle her.” 

**

“Stop making the kids in the Stormtrooper academy wear masks,” 

“What?” Hux coughed. “Are you seriousl—”

“You don’t want them to be clones, do you?” Rey whirled around on him, her fists clenched. Today was the day that Snoke picked her up off of Jakku thirteen years ago. She was ready to fight someone. “You and your father fought for the clone program to end. I was looking at their specs yesterday and guess what, half of the stormtroopers fire over six hundred and eighty missed blaster bolts every single goddamned time they are deployed!” Now she was yelling at him. Rey was famous for not losing her temper. “You want to know why that’s happening?” 

Hux was turning red, “Let me guess, you’re going to tell me?”
“Yes. I am. It’s because they don’t want to fucking fight for us, Hux. It’s because they’re scared and get punished for not firing their blasters. If they have the illusion of freedom, they’re more likely to want to fight for us. Does that make sense to you?” He didn’t say anything, just swallowed. 

Rey extended her hand, but before she could choke him he said, “Yes. There’s no need to take whatever frustration you have out on me.” That made her simmer down. 

“Sorry,” She said. 

He blinked. “Why?” 

“Because you’re right, I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you.” 

“It’s because I remind you of my father,” Rey just eyed him a little, not saying anything. “Don’t worry. I hated him too. I’m glad you killed him.” 

**

The first time that Rey had seen anything beautiful in her life was when she saw Ben Solo in the forests of Takodana. For a second, she thought, ‘ Maybe I should let him get away’ , but there was something that was just all too tempting about him. He was scared, and Rey kind of liked that. It made her hurt just a little bit to see something so beautiful quiver like a flower in a gailing wind. She gave him a second before coming out from behind the rock that she was hiding behind. 

He went for his lightsaber only for Rey to call to it. How funny it was that the lightsaber of Anakin Skywalker, and then of Luke Skywalker, called to a dejected outcast. She placed the lightsaber in a loop on her belt and he ran. She did not run. 

She let him think for a second that he was going to get away. He wasn’t. When she immobilized him, he looked like a painting. Rey could get close to him and take him in. Rey had never been interested in men or women, never noticed them before they asked her for their partnership and she accepted, this was different. She could feel his heartbeat. 

She felt so proud of herself when she had the stormtroopers take him back, she never thought that he would be her undoing. 

 

**

Ben remembered the first time he fought Rey. They had been planning on blowing up Starkiller Base, when Han had said that he was going to be a distraction, because there she was. That girl in all black. There was something that was off about her. Ben had never been scared enough until he saw her. He should’ve told his father no, that he didn’t want him to go. But Han did. He would remember what he said to her that day. He couldn’t hear everything that happened, but he heard some. 

“How old are you?” 

“Nineteen,” 

“Nineteen.” Han said. “I made a lot of bad decisions when I was nineteen. Didn’t have anyone in my life to show me love. I think that’s the same for you right? That’s why you’re so angry. Isn’t it?

She looked like she was actually listening to him when the blaster bolt of a stormtrooper struck Han Solo dead. It was a jarring moment, something that felt so hilariously off and wrong that it should’ve been a nightmare. 

“Shame,” She said, she looked back to the stormtroopers that were starting to shoot at Ben, Finn and Chewie. Chewie was the one that shot Rey in the stomach, Ben screamed. He didn’t realize it but he was screaming, crying. Grief pooling in his stomach and just coming out of him. It was almost like he grieved everything he could grieve in a split second, and then he was running for his life. 

The forest was filled with snow, droplets of blood almost as big as rose petals formed where Rey hit herself in the stomach. When Ben stared at her, he thought that he would be mad, but he wasn’t. He was just scared — and a little bit sad for the woman in front of him — more than anything else. “It’s just us now.” 

Finn was right there with him. Ben was going to protect him, because that was what friends would do, but Rey sent him flying into a tree. Ben was surprised that Finn had lasted against her at all. 

**

Rey hadn’t put a scar on her body in four years. She had put that behind her. But something was different today. She had broken the mirror in her bathroom. Perhaps from the want to feel something other than the anger that she had pent up in her body. She took her glove off and grabbed one of the shards of glass. Most of the nerve endings in a human body were in a hand. 

Snoke wasn’t the only one who would scar her hands. In preparation for punishments, Rey used to do it herself, and figured out how to heal them quite nicely. It was something that separated her from most dark siders. If you believed that you could heal yourself, you could. “Are you sure you want to do that?” Rey nearly dropped the piece of glass in her hand. She turned around to be Ben standing there, wide eyed and looking like he was about to cry. 

“What?” 

“I thought that you might need someone to talk to, today.” He said, “The force just felt wrong.” The way he talked to her like a wounded animal, it was almost humiliating, even though Rey knew that he was trying not to be.

“I’m fine,” Rey just wanted to be alone. She wanted him to go away. But he didn’t, because Ben Solo was a stubborn asshole like that. 

“It’s okay to not be fine,” He was sat on his bed, leaning backwards against the wall. 

“Stop that,” 

“Stop what.” 

“Stop pretending that you care about me,” Rey said. As soon as she said it she regretted it. She had fought Ben Solo so many times, but he had never been angry. Never angry at her. Just sad or scared. This was different, he got up off the bed and surged forward. Rey took a step back. 

“How dare you say that?” 

“What? That you’re just pretending to care about me to get me weak and have me get arrested by your mother. Bec—” 

“If I was trying to get you arrested I could’ve just knocked you out and taken you with me on the Finalizer. If I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t spend days thinking about you and hoping you were okay. If I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t have spent six months trying to get you to talk to me again.” He stepped forward and Rey actually flinched. She hated that. Hated how he made her feel vulnerable like that. It was so annoying, so regrettable. The flinching made Ben visibly deflate though, and he looked like he was about to cry again. “I’m sorry.” He said. “I’m sorry.” Rey felt like she was swaying a bit. 

Her throat was dry and she didn’t know what to do. “No, I’m sorry.” Rey told him. “I shouldn’t project my insecurities onto you like that.” There was silence between the two of them for a long time. But Rey felt better. He was there. It was Ben who started crying first. He wasn’t full on sobbing or anything, just tears streaming down his face. Tears that Rey wouldn’t be able to catch. “I’m sorry.” She said. 

“Why are you sorry?” It was weird. The mix of emotions. The laughing. The crying. 

“Because I hurt you. I caused that.” Rey said. 

“It’s not all you,” He shook his head, wiping the tears from his cheeks. “It’s more my mother and uncle than anything else.” 

“Tell me about it,” Deflecting her problems by focusing on his wasn’t the best thing to do for her own mental health, but she did it anyways. 

**

“We know that you and Rey are connected.” Was the first thing that Leia said when Luke and her had sat him down for a talk. “Through the force. I don’t know why Luke refrained from telling me this, but you need to tell me the extent of it.” 

**

“They expect too much of me,” He said, “I don’t want what they want?” Rey wanted to ask what he wanted. Why did he go back to them even though they put him through such shit? “It’s weird. Uhm, Luke told Leia about the bond.” 

“Shit, Ben.” Why hadn’t he led with that? Had she gotten him in trouble some how? 

“They want me to close it off,” Rey felt her stomach sink. 

“Do you want to?” The walls were coming back up again. 

“No,” 

“Well you should,” Rey told him. “You and I both know that I’m not good for you.”

Chapter Text

Rey got what she wanted when Ben stopped talking to her. It allowed her to clear her head. She felt better than before, making new allies, getting deals that would help the First Order. She started eating better, and training again. 

She kept really busy, and that made things better. Until it wasn’t. There was always down time when Rey least wanted it. It was too cold in her chambers, and she was alone. She ended up burying herself under a blanket, reading political documents on her holopad. 

Rey felt Ben before she saw him. She could hear muffled talking outside of her chambers, Ben was probably talking to his mother before he stopped. He could sense her. He stopped talking and soon he was inside her chambers. “What do you want?” He said as soon as he saw her laying in her bed. 

“Nothing,” Rey shrugged, “why do you think that I want something? I didn’t connect us.” 

“Right,” He sighed, sitting down on his cot. 

“You look tired,” 

“I am.” 

“Having a hard time?” 

“Why would you care?” He looked exasperated to say the least. Rey couldn’t say that she blamed him in the slightest. She looked him over more. He had lost weight. A lot of weight. Rey started feeling, really, really bad.

“Because I do, unfortunately.” Rey grimaced. “So I’m going to ask you again, are you okay?” 

**

Ben wished that he could just not want Rey. That would make things so much easier. “I’m not okay,” He told her, “but there’s nothing you can do about it.” 

“Because I’m the one that’s hurting you,” He didn’t disagree with her. 

**

Back in the hutt, Ben was sopping wet. He didn’t know what he was looking for, didn’t know why he was confiding in Rey of all people. But he was. The storm raged outside, but it was calm in here. Just the two of them separated by the galaxy and a crackling fire. “I’ve never really told anything about my past,” She told him, “but I’m going to tell you this. I know what it’s like to be lonely. What it’s like to be hurt by people.” Ben could feel his stomach turning. 

“There were a lot of kids that were...touched… in ways that kids shouldn’t be touched. Snoke liked to punish people, liked to make people feel bad in their own bodies. He did that by specific targeted torture. For some, it was just one muscle. He targeted my head, my hands, forced me to skip meals and would make me sit and watch stormtroopers get tortured. He wanted me to like it. I would tell myself that I did, so that I could survive. But it made me feel so lonely, that I couldn’t help anyone. That I hurt so many people.” 

**

Before Ben connected with Rey, Luke was telling him that it was time to cut Rey off. He said that it was affecting him negatively. He sighed, “No,” He told him. “I’m not going to do that.” 

“You’re so sad when you two have connected. I can see it in your eyes boy, it’s hurting you.” 

“Or maybe you just want the reason I’m hurting to be her,” He said, “and not everything else that’s going on right now.” Rose wasn’t there to save him, so he ended up going to his room so he didn’t have to deal with Luke’s bullshit anymore. 

The next morning, when Rey’s connection with him was gone and he was feeling like shit, Rose knocked on his door with three muffins in hand, and her hair done in a neat bun that made Ben ask. “You’re dressed like you’re going to be pilotting today, why?” 

“Because I am going to be a pilot today,” She said, “we don’t have enough people.” 

“I can do it,” She handed him two of the muffins and kept one for herself. 

“Actually,” Rose told him, “you were going to do it. I saw how you looked yesterday and decided that you were unfit to, so I volunteered. Now you’re going to eat, and we’re going to go over plans before we have to go out.” 

“Why?” 

“The First Order did something bad.” 

“What else is new?” 

**

When Rey and Ben weren’t talking after the throne room, Ben started to develop some health problems. He would stop eating, telling himself that it was for others. That he was just sacrificing the food for others. Rose told him that he needed to eat. That whatever was going on was something that they could talk about together. This resulted in the only female friendship that he had ever had that wasn’t complicated, and he braided her hair. She braided his too. That’s why Ben didn’t want Rose commandeering her own ship. 

Paige died that way. 

Rose shouldn’t go out the same way as her sister. It was wrong. 

**

 

“What happened?” Ben asked as Rose pulled him along. 

“Byss, Kessel, and Klatooine have all been destroyed. Jakku is probably next.”

“What?” 

“Rey commanded all slavers to be killed on sight on all planets, none of them complied, so she killed everyone on those planets. Everyone. Including the slaves.” Ben felt like he was going to throw up. 

“Fucking hell,” He saw both Luke and Leia in the briefing room waiting for him. He bit into his muffin, just because of the stress he was under at the moment. This was going to suck. 

**

“Before you say anything,” Rey said as the Force opened up, “I don’t feel bad.” 

“You killed a bunch of slaves with the slave masters, that’s tons of innocents dead!” 

“Honestly if someone had killed me under Unkar Plutt’s care, I would have thanked them.” She said. “It’s a mercy killing, and I couldn’t stop it. I’m not the one that authorizes when the missle strikes,” 

“Yes, but you are the one that orders them!” Ben shouted so loud that the droid that was cleaning Rey stopped. Almost as if it recognized Ben’s voice. “Are you really trying to piss me off?” 

“No,” Rey said, “but again,” She turned towards him and Ben saw something off in her eyes. Like she was drunk but not exactly. “I really don’t care. I have other things to attend to, because it seemed other planets with slaves have gotten the message and now want to strike a deal. So this is the end of the conversation.”  Rey tried to cut off the bond, but for some reason it didn’t work. Ben wasn’t done. 

“You killed people, Rey! You used to be so against mass murder, what happened?” Rey nearly laughed. The way he said it sounded so funny. 

“Nothing, Ben.” She shrugged. “It’s war, shit happens. Slavers died, at the end of the day it’s a good day.” 

“But so did a lot of innocent people,” 

“Oh well, even more people will be free of slavery now because of what I’ve already said. Now bye.” She closed the bond. 

**

Ben hadn’t talked to Rey in three months, lying to Luke and his mother, telling them that he had cut the ties in the Force between the two of them. He used this as an excuse to lie around a lot more than he normally did, and be a lot more antisocial than he normally was. And then Leia told him something. 

He knew immediately what was going to happen next. “Rey’s going to be on Tatooine with minimal security in the next two days. I want you and Luke to go out and take her out as discretely as possible.” 

“That sounds like a horrible idea,” Ben told his mother. 

“It’s one of the only ideas we have right now, you’ll have Dameron and your friends backing you up.” 

“Still sounds like a horrible idea,” 

“Ben—” 

“She’s strong with the Force and the First Order’s best pilot, she doesn’t need to have security with her,” 

“And Luke is the strongest Force user in the galaxy, I’m sure that the two of you are more than capable of taking Rey down. Unless it’s emotions that are speaking—” 

“No, it’s fine. I’ll do it. I just don’t think this is a great idea.” 

“Glad you have faith in yourself,” Leia rolled her eyes. 

**

Rey wasn’t sure what she expected when she went to Tatooine, maybe something more foreboding and threatening considering the fact that the Skywalkers lived here at one point. But now it was almost a booming place of economics, perhaps from the legacy that lived on from the people that were born here. 

There was a parade in Rey’s honor, Hux insisted that he send people with her to make sure that Rey wasn’t murdered, but Rey didn’t trust him to put together a sufficient team. She put together a few people and a line of stormtroopers with the most successful kill rates, but there weren’t many people there. 

Chapter Text

 

Rey swore that some of the things that Ben and his friends did were so idiotic that she could only think of doing them when high. Ben Solo, Poe Dameron, FN-2187 and Commander Tico were all sitting in front of her, cuffed and looking rather tired. Rey couldn’t suppress her laughter. This was too ridiculous. “It’s not funny,” Ben said. Rey had to calm herself before she could say anything back to him. 

“It really is,” She said, “did Leia Organa’s military strategist take a vacation day on this? Because I have some of the Resistance’s most invaluable members in front of me and it’s very hard of me to not want to kill you.” The throne room was silent. Rey started laughing again. “And Ben, really? Do you see my point now? Why I asked you to join my side? This is really pathetic, and I mean really pathetic.” 

“You should let us go,” Commander Tico said. Rey turned her attention on her. 

“And why should I do that?” 

“Because you don’t want to hurt Ben, and if you hurt his friends, you’d also be hurting him.” This girl was rather presumptuous, wasn’t she? Rey wasn’t sure if she liked her or she hated her. 

“Your sister was Paige Tico, right?” The girl suddenly fell quiet.

“Sorry for you loss,” Rey said, “sincerely. She was a far better member of the Resistance than Dameron ever would be. And while I don’t know what losing a sister is like, I can imagine it’s like losing a limb.” Rey was actually being sincere in what she said, even if she was trying to get Rose to shut up. She felt hot, the way you felt before you came on with a fever. It wasn’t pleasant in the slightest. 

“I’ll cut you a deal,” She said. “You guys decide amongst yourselves which two of you will walk out of here, and I’ll keep the other two.” 

“We’ll stay,” Both FN-2187 and Ben said at the time. Did they think it was going to be that easy? Rey was astonished that they could really be that stupid, but at the same time she knew it was going to happen. Ben’s nature was that of the sacrificial lamb. 

Rey clapped her hands together in bemusement as Tico and Dameron started to argue. “So it’s settled then.” She said. She nodded to the guards. “Put Solo and the traitor on escape pods, take Dameron and Tico to the dungeons.” 

“What — Rey — you s—” Before Ben could finish protesting, the guards had subdued him and Finn and started dragging them out of there. That left Poe and Rose. 

“Why am I not surprised?” 

“Ah, Dameron. You have a voice, how...unpleasant.” 

“Your voice brings me just as much splendor,” He told her. Rey only smiled. 

“Glad we feel the same about each other, now round up the prisoners. Don’t torture them, unless you find Dameron too annoying, then rough him up. Keep them alive though.” 

**

Three Days Later

 

Rose wasn’t sure how long she was locked up before a guard came to get her. “The Supreme Leader has requested you for her presence.” 

“Tell her I don’t want to see her,” She was hungry and her mouth was dry, but she hadn’t been tortured. 

“It’s mandatory, Ma’am.” The stormtrooper told her. Rose only went because she remembered Finn saying how they would get punished for not doing something on time. She was given a chance to shower and then was taken to the throne room. There, a lavish set up for a meal was set out, and on one end sat Rey. There was enough food for maybe four people. Not just two. It looked like Rey wasn’t touching her food though. After Rose sat down tentatively, Rey smiled. 

“Who talks first? You or me?” Rose asked. 

Rey shrugged. Rose wasn’t sure if she should be worried or not.

“I bet you’re hungry, eat.” 

“Did you poison the food?” Rey paused when Rose insinuated that, and then laughed again. Rose suddenly became aware that this girl wasn’t sure how to interact with other people, and certainly not other women.  

“Why do people think I’m constantly trying to kill them?” Rey said. “Frankly, killing people is rather boring most of the time and that’s not what I’m interested in.” 

“What are you interested in right now?” 

“Just getting to know you,” Rey admitted, “you seem interesting to me.” She motioned to the food again, insistent that Rose filled her plate up. So, slowly she did. She took some rolls, vegetables, and fruit. Things that wouldn’t be too hard on her stomach after not eating for so long. The first few minutes of their meal were silent before Rose broke the ice. 

“You going to eat,” 

“Later,” Rey said, “not very hungry right now.” 

“What are you thinking about right now?” 

Rey was quiet for a few minutes before she said, “Thinking of what I can do to make you believe that I’m not as bad as Leia Organa would have you believe I am.” Rose almost choked at that. Part of Rose wanted to say that she didn’t think that she was a bad person, because Ben didn’t think that. But that wasn’t entirely true. “I’m not great at making friends,” 

“You made friends with Ben,” 

“I’m not sure he would say that we’re friends,” 

“I think that he loves you way more than friends love each other,” Rose told her. Rey almost choked when she heard that. 

“What?” 

“Yeah,” 

“That’s absurd,” 

“You’re absurd,” Rose told her. “Ben loves you,” Rey shook her head.

“You’re insane, Tico.” She said. “But I like you, you’re not insufferable.” 

“Thanks, I guess?” 

“I’m going to have your room upgraded, so you don’t have to stay in a cell all day. Clearly it’s still going to be the place you’ll be confined to until I decide to let you guys go back to the Resistance, but it’ll be nicer.” 

“You’re going to let us go back,” 

“That was the plan.” 

“Then why kidnap us in the first place?” Rey didn’t answer that question. 

“Eat. You’re going to have to go to your new quarters soon.” 

**

A Day Later

Poe wasn’t sure what to feel. No one ever came to check up on him, all the doors were locked, there was no way to get out and he felt weak from not being fed or having any water. He should be used to that by now, but it was hard. He was very surprised when the Supreme Leader herself opened the door one day and said, “Get up,” 

“What?” 

“I told you to get up, get up.” 

“Are you here to finish me off?” 

“No,” Rey was staring at him like he was stupid. “I just want to talk, so get up.” 

“Why do I have to get up?” 

“Because I’m taking you to get food, asshole. Now get up. Gods, you’re more annoying than Luke Skywalker.” 

“That’s an overstatement,” Poe muttered. He got up. Mostly because he didn’t feel like getting killed though, and right now, he didn’t really have any other reason to not go with her either. If she was planning on killing him, then he’d have an easier means of escape than in a cell. 

“If you try to run I will kill you, all you have to do is last until the end of the week and then you and Rose Tico are free to leave.” 

“Rose is okay?” 

“Yes,” Rey told him matter-of-factly.

“Why did you kidnap us? To fuck with Ben?” She didn’t answer, but smirked a little. Poe wondered if part of that was the truth. 

“Enough talk of me,” She said, “tell me about you.” 

“I’m not telling you anything about the Resistance.” 

“I couldn’t give two shits about the Resistance, you have proven to me that they are no longer a threat to my existence. I just want to hear about you. Your life, your wellbeing. How are you doing?” 

“I thought you thought that I was insufferable and annoying.” 

“I only said that in the heat of the moment,” She shrugged it off. “It was nothing personal.” 

“I’ll tell you something about me if you say something about you.” 

“Okay,” She said, “ask whatever you want?” 

“When did you get into this… everything with Snoke?” 

“You mean, when did I turn to the dark?” She nearly laughed when he asked that. It was such a personal question. “I was seven years old, my parents were either going to sell me a slaver or take me to Luke Skywalker to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like your best pal, Ben. Luke saw something in me, and rejected me from the Jedi Academy. My parents were going to abandon me, I freaked out and killed them.” She said this with no hint of regret in her voice. “Snoke took me in quite generously and showed me where true power lie,” 

“So do you really believe in the dark side of the Force?” 

“No,” She said. “I believe in doing whatever the fuck I want with the Force.” 

“I guess I can get behind that,” 

**

When she and Leia Organa had a comm meeting, the first thing Leia Organa said was, “What do you want in return for Dameron and Tico?” Rey yawned and sat back in her seat. 

“Why would I want anything from you when you have exactly nothing to give?” 

“What are you playing at?” 

“Just fucking around,” Rey felt like she was going to be sick, and honestly it made her give less of a fuck that Leia had actually taken the time to talk to her. “If you really want to know, I quite like Rose Tico. She’s really nice, I’m thinking of keeping her.” 

“Are you drunk?” 

“No,” Rey sighed tiredly, “running on two hours of sleep out of the past month, but you know what that’s like. Don’t you?” 

“Are Rose and Poe okay?” 

“No,” Rey lied, “they’re in horrid conditions. I fed Poe’s arm to a rathtar.” She ended the comms chat. Hux stared at her with an eyebrow raised. 

“You feeling okay?” 

“No,” She said, “but that’s how life works. Isn’t it?” He nodded understandingly. 

“Something troubling you?” 

“A lot of things are troubling me,” She admitted, “too many to count.” 

**

 

By the end of the week, Rey could almost say that she was friendly with both Poe and Rose when she let them commandeer an escape pod to get back to the Resistance. This also happened to be the same time that the Force seemed to open a bleeding hole in Rey’s mind, and all day she could see Ben getting drunker and drunker. She wanted to talk to him, try and tell him that Poe and Rose were okay. 

But she was always in positions where she would look positively insane if she just started to talk to him out of the blue. He didn’t seem to realize that she was there either. He was upset, and she had made him upset. Poe and Rose hadn’t made it back yet and he was worried about his friends, doubting himself. It all came to head when Luke fucking Skywalker of all people came to talk to him. She wasn’t sure what Luke said to piss him off, and she didn’t really care. She never really cared about anything that Luke ever said to anyone. 

What she did care about was what Ben proceeded to do afterwards? “Will you fucking shut up?” She was working on cleaning her lightsaber when he said that. Rey had never heard Ben yell at anyone, so she nearly dropped it when it happened. “I’m fucking tired of you continuing to ignore the problem here!” 

She snorted, fully in support of Luke getting what was coming to him. If that was how it ended, then Rey would’ve been perfectly fine with that. “Yes, the problem is you, you fucking moron. You started all this shit — the corruption — it started because of you. Not fucking Snoke, you. Because you were too pure to accept one kid into your fucking academy.” 

She heard what Luke said next, “ That doesn’t excuse all of Rey’s actions. She’s an adult now.” 

“I know,” 

She stopped cleaning her lightsaber. 

“She’s killed so many people. Committed so many crimes,”

“I was wrong to think that she wasn’t a monster, but she is.” 

Chapter Text

“You’re so right,” Rey’s voice bloomed from the darkness of Ben’s drunken state, and he turned to see her staring right at him. Her expression was so icy and cold. 

“Are you okay?” Luke asked. “Is she here right now?” 

“Go on. Tell him,” 

“Rey, I—” 

“Tell him that I’m a monster,” She said, “tell him that when I killed my master, I enjoyed every second of it. I wished it could be slower, I wished that I could tear him apart limb from limb, rip his heart out of his chest and eat it in front of him.” Ben froze. This couldn’t be happening. 

“Where are Poe and Rose?” He was cursing at himself for not saying sorry, he was about to open his mouth again to tell her that he was so, so sorry, but she raised her hand and cut him off before he could say anything. 

“They should be landing on your planet soon,” Rey shrugged. “That doesn’t matter though, go on and tell Luke what you really think of me.” 

“Ben, are you okay? What is she saying?” Ben was starting to shake. He wanted to vomit. He just sank back on to his bed and then he couldn’t see her again. When she was gone, he threw up all over his uncle’s robes. 

**

When he woke up, Rose was pressing a cold compress to Ben’s head. “This is why you shouldn’t drink alcohol. Ever.” She said. Ben groaned, his head pounding. He felt way worse than any other hangover that he had ever had. He was realizing in mounting dread, why. “Luke said that you saw Rey and then she said something, and then you passed out.” He didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to throw up again. 

“I don’t want to be here right now,” The cold compress was the only relief that he was getting, everything else about his existence was pretty bad right now. 

“So, you threw up on Luke?” 

“Yeah,” Ben croaked out. “That’s not the worst thing I did though,” 

“What did you do?” 

“I called Rey something that I told myself that I was never going to call her.” Rose bit her lip. “And now the bond — I’m not sure if it’s still there.” 

**

Rey felt blood dripping down her arms. It had been since Ben and her fought for the first time since she had intentionally cut herself. She had a reason not to want the pain, but now, now she welcomed it. She closed her eyes and sunk down in the fresher. Rey, please let me talk to you. She could hear weak thoughts of his in her head, but he couldn’t see her. Good. If he saw her right now, he would give her a pitying look that Rey didn’t want. Rey, I’m sorry. I need to talk to you. 

I was drunk, Rey. Please let me in. Don’t push me out now. God, he was so pathetic. Rey opened her eyes again and watched her blood mingle with water and go down the drain. She should probably be light headed by now. She wasn’t though. The cut on her arm had stopped bleeding, and Rey was satisfied with the pain that she had felt. After she got out of the ‘fresher, she hit a comm piece. 

Dopheld Mitaka was on the other side of the line. “Do you remember when Snoke had those sensory deprivation chambers aboard?” 

“Y-yes, ma’am.” 

“Are they still active?” 

“Yes,” He said. 

“Good.” She said, “Oh, and Mitaka?” 

“Yes, ma’am?” 

“If you tell Hux about this conversation, I will fucking kill you. Got it?” 

“Got it, ma’am.” 

**

Ben couldn’t feel Rey, which was weird. Because he always felt her, even when the two of them were fighting, he always felt her. It was worrying, but he couldn’t let on that he was worried about her. Luke and Leia were watching him even more, making sure he was eating, asking him if it was okay every single fucking day. 

He wasn’t okay.

He hadn’t been okay for a while, and that wasn’t because of Rey. 

It was because of the pressure of everything going on. He was trying to do what was right, but kept fucking up. He thought that Rey and him had finally been getting somewhere, and then he had to get drunk and talk to his uncle. 

Luke and Ben hadn’t spoken to each other in two weeks, and Ben had barely said a thing to his mother either. She was worried about him, he knew that, but she deserved to be worried for once. Leia was just like Luke, more concerned with the cause than what was going on with her son. “Hey,” Rose said, “I was wondering if you wanted to go off world with me and Finn?” 

“Third wheeling on you guys,” Ben said, “no thanks.” 

“Third wheeling on what, bud.” Finn had just walked up behind them. Ben suddenly regretted getting out of the room. 

“We’re trying to find an excuse to get you away from all this shit from a little bit, so just say yes. You’re going to load cargo with us.” Ben knew that they were trying to be nice. So he just nodded and went along. Poe joined them in the last second as they were starting to fire up a cargo ship. Something felt off. The connection with Rey came back, and Ben tried not look insane as he watched her start to dry her hair and close her eyes. 

He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. 

What was she doing? She came out of a room that he was not familiar with, but all the lights around her had been turned extremely dim. She looked straight at him, she could see him, but she didn’t say anything. “Are you okay, buddy?” Poe asked. “You seeing her right now?” 

“I’m fine,” Ben lied. 

He went to sit down, Rey following his movements and going to sit down in her own seat, reaching for a holopad. That’s when Ben saw it, the self inflicted scar on her arm. It was new. He opened his mouth to say something, but the words died in his mouth. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I am so so so sorry. I don’t deserve you and you’re not a monster, you proved that. You’re not a monster, you didn’t kill Rose or Poe, you’re not a monster. His thoughts were broken and scattered. Gods, he was so tired. 

It was an hour into the trip out when Poe said, “I can see why you like Rey.” Ben took a deep breath in. Why did it hurt to hear her name? “She’s a trip.” 

“Yeah,” He said, “she is.” The image of Rey sitting next to him flickered out of his head. 

“She was actually really nice to us, when Rose and I were on the ship.” This was making him feel worse than he already felt. Why was Poe talking again?

“What happened?” 

“I don’t know,” He said, “she didn’t even interrogate us. She just gave us food and made us stay in our rooms most of the time, but she said some things that were… Let’s just say that they made me look at Luke in a different light.” 

**

The first time that Ben Solo had called Rey a monster, she had said the same thing that she had said the second time, “Yes, I am.” He was mad at her. For some reason. 

“Why are you like this?” Rey took a step forward. 

“Why am I like this?” She smirked a little. “Why don’t you ask Luke?” 

“I have,” 

“So you know the story then—” 

“That you were behind the attack on the Academy, that you killed most of my friends—” 

“ — What? No. I mean I did kill some of your Jedi friends, but in all fairness, they attacked me first. And that wasn’t the story. He really didn’t tell you how we met, did he?” 

“ — What do you mean?” 

“I was seven, the first time we met. Scared of myself because of this thing that I had me, but my parents were fucking terrified of me. I think that they lost love for me the second that I showed signs of being force sensitive. I guess I don’t blame them though, I can hardly remember their faces now, by the way. They wanted to take me to Luke first, but I guess your uncle can predict the fucking future or something and decided not to take me in. So, my parents were taking me to Jakku. I heard they were going to abandon me, I freaked, and I grabbed my father’s blaster and killed him and my mother. I was nearly starved to death by the time Snoke found me and graciously took me in.” 

He was silent for a long time before he said, “I — I’m sorry.” All of this hate that he had for this girl was gone, now. “I didn’t know that,” He had judged her unfairly, he hated that. “But you know that what Snoke is doing to you isn’t gracious in the slightest.” 

**

The first time Rey actually talked to Ben after the incident was three weeks after the comment was made, and both of them were alone for once. “Are you back to ignoring me? I just have to know so that I can know what to expect from you,” He expected Rey to yell at him. She was always reactionary like that, but she didn’t even flinch at that. She was so calm, swiping at something on her holopad. 

“I’m not ignoring you, Ben. I just don’t feel like talking to you,” 

“Listen, Rey, I—” 

She held up a hand as a signal for him to shut up. “You’re so sorry for what you said, and you were drunk so you didn’t actually mean it.” That was what he was going to say, although it would have been worded a little bit differently. “I don’t believe you, though.” She said. “I’ve been drunk and crying about you before, never once have I called you anything disparaging.” 

“You’ve called me an idiot before,” 

“That is totally not the same and you know that,” There was no emotion in her voice whatsoever, and that was scaring Ben more than anything else. “But if you’re really wanting to count who’s done what in this thing between us, let’s get into it—” 

“I’d rather not,” 

“I’d rather not,” Rey mocked, she rolled her eyes and said, “I would though, lets see. We first met, you shot at me and could have killed me if I wasn’t so well versed with a lightsaber.” 

“You kidnapped me,” 

“And treated you perfectly fine, all things considering.” Rey shrugged. “Then you escaped, causing me to get in tremendous trouble, cut my face open, I nearly died by the way, and proceeded to call me a monster and a murderous snake.” 

“I fought for you,” 

“You also manipulated me into killing the man that gave me a home and taught me how to use my power,” 

“He was abusing you and you know that.” He remembered Maz saying something about abuse victims rationalizing the abuser’s actions and trying to make them not deplorable. 

“Every punishment I got was something that I deserved,” She told him, “I was and still am, a brat. But that’s not the point. You did that, and then when I offered you the galaxy you said no. Then proceed to call me a monster again.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“That’s the least believable thing you have ever said to me, if you said it while drunk, then you must mean it while sober.” 

“I —” 

“Ben,” She said, “shut up.” 

“I wanted to ask you why you cut yourself,” 

“Get out—” 

“I c—” 

“I don’t fucking care,” Still no emotion. She never moved from her spot. “The next time I see you on the battlefield, I’m going to enjoy ripping you apart.”