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Can't love like this

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Soft feather like movement of fingers against skin, kai was looking at Yeonjun sleep while he traced the relaxed features, relishing in being able to see his hyung rest at last after days of practicing day and night.

Kai hand Benn able to rest well this days either, but his sleepless nights weren’t caused by problems with practice, no, his thoughts kept going back to that afternoon, when he had heard something he wasn’t supposed to, it was taxing to say the least, to know how much his decisions had affected his Soobin hyung without realising he had broken a heart, well or Yeonjun.

He wasn’t sure who they were talking about, maybe it was about Yeonjun hyung and not him, but even when he dared to think that his own subconscious would laugh at him, knowing better than to try and put the burden on his boyfriend, he knew it wasn’t him who Soobin loved, but the thought of it still made him feel something he couldn’t quite grasp, it was a turmoil of emotions, guilt and fear and something that made his chest go up and down fast and stomach flip.

He didn’t want to think about it anymore but it was inevitable, every time he saw a glimpse of red puffy eyes or black and blue bags under once upon a time lively eyes, his brain would come a scream at him how it was his fault, it made him anxious and in desperate need of comfort, even if it was hypocritical from him, he didn’t want to take responsibility.

So he just laid there, looking at his sleeping boyfriend tracing the chapped pouty lips he loved so much, counting each eyelash on the others eyes and tried to engrave the image in his brain.

After all the only thing he did wrong was to fall in love with somebody else.




The yelling could be heard from outside the leaders group, Soobin had been getting steadily worse lately and while he refused to talk to the eldest or the youngest Taehyung was the only one who could actually get some sense into the leader, well, most of the time.

Nowadays though, Soobin would brush the younger off when he tried to reprimand him or tell him something about how he was acting, it was a ticking bomb, Tae would call him out for Soobin to tell him to mind his own business, it left an awkward felling in the air, and even their managers were starting to notice.

Now it seemed the bomb had gone off, “no, you’re not going tout again!” the now louder voice startled the other three people in the apartment “fuck off Taehyun” Soobin was steadily walking towards the exist of their apartment while Tae was trying to hold him back, his stature wasn’t working on his favor in this one, because Soobin mostly brushed off all of the younger efforts to stop him.

“you’re not going to find anything out here that makes you feel better!” Taehyung hissed after Soobin brushed him off again, the air seemed to stop at that, the elder stopping in the middle of putting his shoes on, kai, Yeonjun and Beomgyu that had come towards the ruckus when they heard the other two came out of the room were standing close, kai holding tight Yeonjuns arm.

Soobins eyes went to him looking straight at his eyes before looking at his hands on the oldest, he scoffed, putting his other shoe on and taking his keys “there’s nothing that can help me here either” and with that he slammed the door behind him leaving them in a suffocating silence.


“Soobin! Soobin hyung!” kai felt his lungs burn screaming after the hyung while running to get to him, Soobin didn’t turn his head to him, didn’t even stop, even if kai knew that he heard him, it made something inside him hurt more. “Soobin hyung please!” he called while getting closer, Soobin barely turned to see the younger getting close to him before turning his head again towards the other direction “go away Huening”

Kai almost stopped at that, Soobin never called him that, but he shook his head, this was about Soobin not him, he couldn’t feel hurt, he didn’t have the right to. “No I won’t leave you alone.” kai said going fast again to catch up with the older “I’m sure Yeonjun is waiting for you” said Soobin turning on another street making kai curse under his breath.

“come on Soobin hyung” he called trying to get a hold of the taller while trying not to crash with strangers “go away, I’m not in the mood for you” Soobin hissed and the venom on his voice made kai falter but he had to think of the elder not himself, so he ran faster, taking the elders hand in his and efficiently stopping the taller “hyung please I can’t let you do this anymore” kai said searching for Soobin eyes, but the older didn’t want to look at him “it’s been weeks since this started and you’re just worrying us more and more each day, we can’t keep on watching you throw away everything”

Kai begged the elder, eyes moist with tears and voice full of desperation, but the silence just stretched by each second that passed and kai felt something going through his chest slowly and painfully, strangers gave them weird looks and some of then whispered stuff neither of the teens heard, but no one dared to interrupt them.

Kai felt his hope dying out, his grip loosening a little when the elder refused to look at him, to speak “please Soobin” kai said trying to make sense of how was he supposed to make everything better, that’s when Soobin spoke, way to small, way to low, kai couldn’t hear a thing of the words.

“what did you say?” he asked desperate getting closer and seeing how tears went down trough the air to end up on the ground bellow the taller, after a few seconds the elder spoke again voice clearer “why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“why do you suddenly care so much?” kai took a step back when Soobin lifted his head to look at him, red eyes and a blush that only meant sadness, being honest, kai didn’t know what to say anymore “I-I just do”

“you’re my hyung, my best friend, I love-“

“no you don’t” Soobin yanked his hand out of kais hold aggressively startling the younger, the sadness that once seemed to drown the older now became anger “you don’t care enough for me, and I’m not enough for you, even when I did everything to become all the things you may have wanted, that wasn’t enough, so don’t, don’t say the thing both of us know it’s a lie, you don’t love me, and I can’t, I can’t love – I shouldn’t love you anymore”

Kai looked up at Soobin taken aback when the elder started to push him closer to a wall, scared of the truth, scare of hearing his hyung say everything he didn’t wan to hear, because he knew, God he knew, but heating it just made it true and he couldn’t live with that, he didn’t want to carry that.

Soobin on the other hand could only hear his heart beating so hard against his chest he feared other people may listen, he could only feel fire inside his veins and tears dripping down his face while his eyes stung, this wasn’t right, after all this time why was the younger suddenly caring, he didn’t have the right to, not after all this time, not after all the suffering Soobin had to go trough, it wasn’t fair, why could the younger not feel anything, but he was doomed to long for everything he couldn’t have.

“hyung” kai spoke, but Soobin wasn’t listening, he was looking at him with so much anger, and sadness and resentment, he didn’t look like himself anymore and kai had nowhere else to go when his back hit the wall, finally the truth had come for him to forcibly open his eyes to what he had partially done.

“I can’t love like this anymore” the words were barely above a whisper and before kai could also desend into a crying mess, chapped lips were on his own, kissing hard and wet with tears, taking what did not belong to them, but what they needed, accomplishing a wish that should have never been out in the open.

And for Soobin, for the first time in months, he did what he had promised not to do, he shut his brain and his ears, he shut everything off but the younger boy, he ignored the fact that they were in the open air, and forgot the fact that he couldn’t and shouldn’t, and just let himself kiss the only thing he couldn’t have for the first and last time.

Earth seemed like a foreign concept for kai in that moment, it felt like falling down a black hole, were he couldn’t breath or move or act, it felt like falling and floating at the same time, as if someone had pulled him underwater and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. Lips that shouldn’t be were still kissing him and for an unknown reason he felt himself kissing back, as if his body wasn’t obeying him again and his real self was just watching from the outside, Because kissing a friend shouldn’t hurt this much.

Soobin stepped away first, chest heaving up and down after not breathing for a good amount of time, lips shiny and red, eyelashes still damp with baby tears, but he couldn’t care any less, he saw what he had done, he saw tears on the younger eyes and trembling lips, he saw a simple teenager as well, with way too much weight on his shoulders and he saw Kai's eyes turn cloudy with emotion, he saw the disaster he had just done, and then his senses came back, guilt hitting him like a slap on the face, he had done this, he had broken the younger when he had promised himself not to, he had touched him even when he had seared up and down he wouldn’t, he had reach the end of all his anger and resentment, taking the younger with him and hurting him too when he didn’t deserve it.

“no” the word tasted bitter in his lips, and while they didn’t move for another second a broken sob ripped trough the younger making him almost collapse, and then Soobin moved taking the younger in his arms, pressing him against his chest while both of them cried, he didn’t wanted this to happen, he was supposed to be under control, he was supposed to be responsible, but he wasn’t and both had to paid the prize now.

Soobin Hugh the younger closer while kai sobbed into his chest, broken pieces of sorrys and I didn’t meant it left the younger lips, which served for the older to start apologizing to, it was his fault after all, he begged for forgiveness while sobs broke from his chest making pain bloom on his chest for how hard he was crying.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this.