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A Life So Perfect?

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Congratulations Evan Hansen, everyone hates you now.

It’s all over. You blew it.

At this rate the Murphy’s will find out what you did and you’ll be right back to where you were before- wait no, worse than that. They’re probably going to put you on trial in front of everyone and then the whole world will know the monster that you truly are. 

What will everyone think then?

”No. I... I just need some rest. I’ll clear my head tonight and then I can talk things out with everyone tomorrow. Everything is gonna be fine Evan... I promise,” the hesitation carried through his voice as he tried to build up his confidence again. Even though he wrote personal letters like pep-talks it wasn’t helping his little speech now. 

Evan reached for the bathroom door ready to dash to his bedroom and pass the night away in slumber, but he hesitated. Was this the really right choice? This couldn’t be right. He pulled his shaky hand back as a chill ran down his spine. Instead, he pressed his back to the door and sighed in defeat. 

Damn it Evan. What are you doing? Why are we still stuck here? It would be so easy just to close your eyes and walk away! Why can’t you do that?!

Then he remembered everything that had been said to him recently. 

“I really hope you’re proud of your big decision. I hope that’s it all that you wanted and more.”

I’m a selfish monster who doesn’t even care about his mother. How could anyone forgive me? How could anyone love me after what I’ve done? A tear trickled out of his eye and slowly fell down his cheek. All the emotions he had been repressing from the day were finally flooding out. It was a violent storm growing in the distance, approaching and ready to wreak havoc. 

”Does it ever cross your mind to be slightly sorry? Do you even care that you might be wrong?”

It was me who pulled Alana into this blazing fire. I told her what I once thought was true, that we would help ensure Conor was not forgotten. I guess was only helping myself, cause it turns I was only manipulating the spotlightMore tears fell as he descended further into his memories. His inner contradictions only made his thoughts more furious.

”If somebody got in your way, you crushed them and left them behind! I’m done.”

Jared, if anyone, was my only friend and even he can’t stand the sight of me now. I used him for personal gain. Even if he’s a bit harsh, I was still worse to him in the end. I’m so sorry. Evan lost all control of himself. He was sobbing and shaking horribly. It was safe to say he was back to his old self again.

“Go ahead and cut me loose!”

”I’ll shut my mouth and I’ll just let you go.”

”So did you get what you always wanted?”

”Is it good for you?”

”Stop. Please...” he begged quietly.

“Are they giving I life I could never provide?”

Evan let himself drop to the floor as his knees gave way. He tried to wipe his tears away but they just keep coming. I’m just like dad aren’t I? All I’ve done is run from my problems and left everyone else to cry about it. How could I let this happen to us?

“I’m sorry I’m not enough.”

“I’m sorry. I’m... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry! Please stop this. I can’t take it anymore, I can’t. I’m a boat on the verge of sinking.” His breath hitched as his sobs finally started to fall away. Evan then cradled his sides as he laid against the door. Everything else had suddenly drowned away, so much so that he almost didn’t hear his mom calling for him. 

“Evan? I know we’re both upset but I thought you could still have dinner with your mother,” Heidi called up the stairs. She hoped he was okay. She may be mad but she was still worried about her son’s wellbeing in the end. He may not have even heard her but she still wants to check on him. Hopefully, he was okay. 

Evan shifted. A moment later he got to his feet and opened the door a small crack. He fought back the urge to say his apologies and simply replied, “I’m almost done, mom. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Heidi didn’t say anything in response to that so Evan was thankful. His mom’s heart didn’t deserve to break any more than it already had today. He closed the door behind him and laid his back against the door as before. What was he going to do? There was no way out. It was probably time to give up on this lie, let things run it course and receive the punishment he deserved. It hurt so much now and he just couldn’t keep this going anymore. Evan didn’t know how to ease the pain, he needed relief. 

Then he remembered another thing. Inside the medicine cabinet, on one of the shelves, there was an old bottle of Ativan. His mom had trusted him after he claimed he had no anxiety but she had left it here in the case he ever needed it again. He grabbed the bottle and held it in his shaky hands. If he took one maybe he’d feel a bit better. So he gently popped one in his mouth and flushed it down with water. He waited for the sensation to kick in.

The numbness was almost soothing. Being void everything he had just been feeling felt well... great. He didn’t want it to go away, but it did. Maybe his body wasn’t used to the medicine anymore? Was that something that could happen? He wasn't sure. Despite his instinct, he took another pill to see if it would do anything. It lasted only a moment longer. 

There’s only one way to stop the pain. It can all be over and you won’t feel a thing.

It’s too late to reset. There is only one solution. 

You won’t fail this time...

“I can’t take this pain anymore... It has to end,” Evan said softly to himself. He unscrewed the cap on the bottle for the last time, he forced his hands to stop shaking this one time. He gently poured most of the pills into his hands. “I’m not strong enough to face my mistakes. I’m sorry mom.” 

He tilted his head back and dropped them in, he almost gagged at the motion. He had almost forgotten the bitterness of medicine that always bit at your tongue. Evan forced a shaky hand over his mouth. This was the only way. It had to be done. 

— — — — —

Heidi grew increasingly worried when Evan hadn’t appeared in the kitchen doorway after five minutes of waiting. Even with everything going on right now she knew that he never wanted to miss these few special moments. Something had to be wrong. 

She rushed up the stairs. “Evan?” She called as she approached the bathroom. 

There was no response.

”Evan, are you okay honey? I need you to talk to me... Evan?” She knocked quietly on the door and waited, but the anticipation was killing her. She needed to see his face. She needed to know that her little boy was okay because she wouldn’t know what to do if anything happened to him. 

She heard a pained gasp from inside the door. She knocked again and this time harder. “Evan please let me in! I’m your mother, you can’t keep me locked out forever.” 

Then only a moment later the door finally swung open finally and she was horrified. Evan was leaning heavily against the wall and had one hand holding the doorframe for stability. His breathing hitched and he gagged as he held his other free hand to his chest. She even picked up on his reddened face that was a stark contrast from his unusually pale skin. Something was definitely wrong. 

Without saying a word she grabbed Evan by the hand and pulled him forward causing him to stumble into her grasp. She took hold of his face and looked him in the eyes. She didn’t like how his eyes seemed out of focus or that his skin was a little warm to the touch. “Can you hear me?”

“Mom?” Evan looked at her briefly with a confused look before his eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped forward going completely limp. 

Heidi panicked. Being a nurse had it’s perks but right now she had no idea what was going on! She tried to support his weight as she put her fingers to his neck. His pulse was a little weaker than usual. She quickly removed her hand and dug her phone out of her pocket. She clicked the emergency button and placed the phone to her ear. 

“911 what’s your emergency?” 

“This is Heidi Hansen. My son just passed out and I have no idea what’s wrong with him but it doesn’t look good,” Heidi muttered to the phone.  

“Of course ma'am. I just your need your address so we can send an ambulance right over.”

Her heart stopped as she looked into the bathroom where all the confusion had begun. She noticed the open Ativan sitting on the sink counter with the cap now laying on the floor. Her eyes widened and without thinking, she dropped her phone.

”Ma’am, is everything alright?” The voice sounded so soft compared to the buzzing filling her ears but she picked up the phone and carried on the conversation anyways like she hadn’t seen anything at all.