Ch 1, Gay Panic
Dammit Dean was straight. Had always been and would always be. He liked women. Sure he didn't see anything wrong with two of the same gender loving each other and if someone tried to hurt them for that then...well, Dean had more then once beat the hell out of gay bashers who thought it was fun to beat someone for wanting someone with the same genitalia as them.
But to want a man himself? No. Never.
That wasn't him.
Any guy he could just raise an eyebrow and feel nothing. No stirring of arousal. No eyes trailing to them as if without his permission.
And then there was Castiel.
Cas. His best friend. His only friend. The only person besides Sam he felt he could be himself with. Though what he felt for them was majorly different.
Damn had he fought with that. He refereed to Castiel as a brother, but in the end he didn't view Castiel as he did Sam. Sure Dean was not sure how he viewed Castiel, to him to care so much for anyone meant they must be family. Bobby a surrogate father, Sam his brother, Ellen and Jo extended family in all but blood. So how could he care so much about his angel and it not be family?
But still, that didn't mean he wanted to fuck Cas!
He liked women! Dammit he only liked women.
So why did he keep fighting his thoughts moving to his angel as he pleasured himself in the shower? It had been a while since he got any, long enough he couldn't even tell exactly how long it had been. Still he would try to think about women when he gave himself some self love but it moved to Castiel. It always moved to him thinking about Castiel. But the quest was why? Why did he keep imaging the gravely voice moaning and panting his name. Begging.
Why did he wonder what it'd feel like to be pressed together. Wondering if he was experienced enough that kissing his angel would feel natural. Wondering if he'd get him to gasp and beg and rut like he did when pumping himself in the shower.
Castiel was a guy, genderless angel or not his vessel was male. So why did Dean want it, want him, so bad?!
Maybe it was Castiel. He wanted him. Man, woman, genderless angel he didn't care. He wanted him, wanted the holy tax accountant. Even if he couldn't think of that he couldn't go so far. He more then just wanted Castiel.
He needed him.
That in itself wasn't new, he needed him, needed his close friend. Who was he kidding, his only friend, but so much more then that. Castiel was a part of him.
So should it really surprise him that he needed and wanted Castiel more then that? Physically as well?
Even if it scares the hell out of him. He could never have it though, his angel put up with a lot of his shit. If he were to ever find out about this...it'd be the straw that broke the camel's back and he'd lose one of the most vital people to him. Profound bond or not.
What could he ever have that would be enticing to a angel of any kind? Much less the most worthy of them all?
Hello angsty Dean. This is so Dean though, he finally opens his bisexual eyes and then he is sure that Castiel-who everyone knows is head over heels for him-would never want him.