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Gunmetal Warp (If He's Happy Now)

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Spiderman grabbed at the mask that had been rolled up to his nose so he could drink the glass of water Weasel had grabbed him. The man stared, both he and Wade perplexed as to what exactly the Spidey thought he was doing.

Except, you know, when Spiderman just ripped his entire mask off his face, bearing dark tousled hair. Wade never had to deal with mask hair, but it looked like it was a bitch and a half-

Spiderman’s face.

The bar had gone silent. All the patrons had snapped their heads towards the one hero in their midst, eyes wide. Weasel leapt at Spiderman, grabbing his head and stuffing it into his chest from the other side of the bar counter. Wade grabbed Spidey’s ass - {Just as amazing as I thought it’d be <3} - and helped Weasel boost him over the counter so he could usher the high off his ass mutate into the back room. Spidey’s arms were flailing, and one hand pointed accusingly at Wade’s chest.

“Yoooou are hot as fuck, gooo on a daaate with meeeeee-” the same voice it’d always been. Was he really confident enough to not wear a modifier? It was muffled by a string of shut up shut up shut up by Weasel.

Wade turned to the rest of the bar, let Bea and Arthur slip from their sheaths.

“You all saw nothing.” his tone dead, flat. When Wade Wilson, the merc with a mouth disappears, and the weapon they’d created appears. It always gave him a sick sense of humour - the rest all looked away, heads down. A collective agreement to silence.

How did Wade get himself into these messes?

*flashback squiggles* *flashback squiggles*

Wade Winston Wilson did not do house calls. Unless, of course, it was a booty call that just so happened to be inside a house, but those notwithstanding… he didn’t usually break into apartments, houses, creepy underground bunkers - whatever type of living situation that floated your boat unless he was getting them paid. The one exception - a blaring ringtone of SexyBack, attached to one of two numbers saved on his personal cellphone - had Wade busting his ass into this man’s aforementioned creepy underground bunker and questioning some of his life choices.

[Like why we’re even here in the first place. If Spiderman can’t even solve his own problems, then what good is he?]

{But this will make us look good!! We could finally tap that ass!}

“Both of you are wrong.” Wade grumbled, feeling his suit shift uncomfortably around his thighs. He’d tried the new ketchup Doritos after scaling the Star Industries building, and had crumbs fall down his suit.

[This was too easy.]

“For once, White, I agree with you.” Wade picked himself off the ground after launching himself down the elevator shaft. The elevator had started coming down as soon as Wade had snuck his way into the shaft - {Ahahahahaha, not the first time we’ve snuck into a shaft-} [Shut the fuck up!] - so looked around for a place to hide before the doors opened and he got busted. He glanced up, then gave a running start at the wall, planting a foot on one side of the wall and launching himself up. He pulled a Spidey, feeling his knees lock underneath a beam on the ceiling. He pulled the rest of his body up, his abs clenching to keep his form above the line of sight of anyone coming out of the elevator.

The doors dinged and opened, and three figures stepped out in white lab coats.

“It was so easy to lure him here. I’d never imagined… all we had to do was chase Rosa’s child until she screamed.” one of the females was speaking, red hair bobbing. “His blood will have such unique components. I studied the suit, briefly I regret, but it didn’t allow for sticking to walls. That’s all just his biology.”

Wade tilted his head, gripping onto the beam with his hands and letting his legs swing down. The scientists didn’t look up as they passed underneath him.

“Imagine what we could do with Spiderman’s blood!” Wade froze. “Weapon X was a failure - but we can learn from their mistakes.”

Yeah, right.

When Wade came to again, the red was fading from his eyes, but replaced by the blood of the scientists, spread all over the hallway. He flicked Bea and Arthur, examining rips in the redhead’s neck from Arthur’s blade. He’d have to remember to sharpen the edge later.

He stalked down the hallway, eyes scanning the white washed walls. Honestly, why couldn’t any evil lair just have directions? It would make Wade’s life so much easier.

[Kill them all.]

{Not Spidey! We like him!}

[The author says the directions are a left, a right, then go straight to the very ominous door at the very back… because who needs originality?]

{Works for me!}

Wade let himself grin, the mask on his face shifting. His wrists dropped, the tips of his swords scraping against the floor. He knew he was in plain sight of security cameras, but [{Let them know}].

By the time Wade had made it down the hallway, taken a left, and a right, and then gone straight down to the very ominous door, security alarms were already blaring and the red lights were hurting his eyes. So annoying. Why couldn’t bad guys just accept they’d never win, and just let Wade do his thing? Honestly.

He stuck Bea’s blade into the door and pulled. The metal bent under his grip, and he then kicked the door open. It flew, bashing against the wall. Spidey was unconscious. His muscles were too relaxed, his head lolled against his chest. He was strapped into a metal chair, gag around his mouth, and metal restraints over his ankles, arms, wrists, and four over his midsection. All of the restraints were bent, twisted, and pulled at, but judging by the equally bad-guy-101 large syringe machine that was suspiciously empty, they’d gotten him before he could snap them completely.

A blonde lady stood in front of the machine, hands over the controls and an evil smirk playing at her lips. “Deadpool.”

[Oh great, another villain monologue.]

{Whoah! Look at those tits!}

[Do you ever focus on anything else?!] “Look lady, just hand Spideybabe over and I don’t unalive your pasty white-” “He’s a monster. Mutated beyond what we can control - the good we could do if we just had more of him, under our control-” She was interrupted by a bullet going through her open mouth, spraying blood all along the walls. She choked, jaw working as her body bent forwards. Wade let another shot fly, the second bullet just going straight through her skull. Gray brain matter splattered along the floor as the body slumped with its ass in the air. {Not as good as Spidey’s.}

“Is anything?” Wade listened to an entire chorus of agreement from the boxes. He stepped over the body, undoing the restraints. Spidey could be mad at him later for killing these people, but right now… the man in his arms started stirring. Wade finished undoing the restraints on his ankles as Spidey’s head flopped onto his shoulder.

“Waade..?” Spidey was slurring his words. Wade narrowed his eyes. With Spidey’s metabolism, whatever they gave him should wear off soon, but…

“Heya Spidey-babe!” Wade lifted Spidey from the chair, grimacing at how light the man was. What does he eat?! {Packing peanuts?} [Coffee?] “Jeezums, my main squeeze, have you not been catching enough flies recently?” Wade felt Spidey curl his arms around his neck, digging his face into Wade’s shoulder. He was too out of it to respond. “You scared me baby boy. Maybe give a situation update instead of just calling my name?”

Spidey mumbled something into Wade’s shoulder. Well. Not like he could leave baby boy alone on a rooftop. He could bring him to his apartment-

[Your walls are covered in blood from the last time you roughed up that asshole who harassed the pizza guy-]

{-there are holes all over the walls-}

[-you still have My Little Pony bedsheets-]

“My bedsheets are the fourth greatest thing to grace my life, so shut the fuck up.” Wade snarked back at the boxes. “But I get your point. Apartment is not Spidey proofed yet.”

{The bar?}

[Weasel can watch him until he sobers up.]

Wade hummed in agreement, making his way back to the elevator shaft. “Sorry ‘bout this, baby boy.” he grabbed the rope he kept in his suit and tied Spiderman’s hands and ankles around his body so he could climb unhindered. The elevator - of course - had been shut down when the alarms had gone off. He could hear footsteps below - boots, guards? - as he was hoisting himself back through the vents that led to their rather obvious trap door in the ground, marked by caution tape.

The bar would be full of mercs, but better than Wade’s apartment.

*unflashback squiggles* *unflashback squiggles*

[That is so not how flashback sequences work.]

{I like it!! Squiggles!}

“I can’t believe you’re actually that dumb. What the fuck did they do to you?” Weasel groaned as he dropped Spiderman onto the spare bed in the back room. He raised an eyebrow and glanced down at the hero. He couldn’t help but be curious. Wade talked about this one a lot - a shining beacon of hope. Sometimes straddled the line between hero and antihero - played rough with the Avengers, hard on his enemies, and also someone who had walked out of a broken clock tower with a body in his arms not even three months ago.

“He’sss so preetty. You seen his eyes?” Spiderman’s pupils were blown. No kidding. Weasel winced and stepped back as the hero stretched and curled around the pillow like a cat. “I think I love him.”

Weasel’s eyes narrowed. “You can’t say that unless you mean it.” he knelt down to Spiderman’s level, glaring into soft brown eyes. He resisted the urge to fix the man’s hair - college aged? - and wondered how it could be that Wade had ever fallen for something like this.

“I doooo-”

“You do.” Weasel knew his voice was flat, knew that this was cruel. Spiderman wouldn’t remember this when he woke up. “You do realize he looks like an avocado chewed up and spat out by a rabid squirrel, right?”

“Whhhhaaa avocados…” Spiderman curled around the pillow tighter, and Weasel felt his gut cramp uncomfortably. He turned to leave, opening the door to the back room. “He doesn’t smile at allll… he gotta do that more. I wanna see him smile moooore. I’ll catch him. I’ll catch him.” Spiderman’s mumbles got quieter as Weasel froze in the doorway. He turned his head to see the man’s eyes squeezed shut, teardrops building in the corners and something like hatred in the curl in his back.

Weasel stepped back into the bar, holding the door open for Wade. He barely spared Weasel a glance, broad shouldered and rushed, as he knocked into Weasel trying to get through the doorway. Weasel spared a glance backwards, seeing how Wade’s hands softened to hold someone who should have never loved him back. Cooed in a voice Weasel had never heard before. Deadpool’s hands were covered in blood - could they still heartbreak and soothe the sobs wracking Spiderman’s shoulders? Why did they trust each other enough to be weak, when Deadpool couldn’t even trust Weasel-

He sighed. No use dwelling. Weasel sat down in the stool in front of his computer, looking out over the hushed patrons, all reasonably threatened. Weasel booted his computer up, hacking into any facial recognition technology that Spiderman’s face could be searched or caught. He found the man’s real name - Peter Parker. An alliteration. Wade would be giddy for weeks. He’d probably repeat the name over to himself again and again once Spiderman told him, and revel in trust he’d gained from someone he looked up to. Weasel removed Peter Parker’s face from all databases, instead replacing it with blurry pictures of Harry Osborn. Enough rumours had flown about Osborn’s connection to the web slinger, so it wouldn’t be too far of a stretch for people to try to connect those particular dots again.

Weasel tried not to think about how Deadpool must’ve been shoved aside, or how Wade’s humanity finally came out to cuddle and comfort. If it made him happy.

Considering the brunette who dreamed to make a mercenary smile, one who cried over promises that he’d catch him, that this time he wouldn’t miss, Weasel figured that it would.